Chapter Ten: Find the Subtle Political Metaphor
Sora burst into Third District, poofy hair trembling with rage. How could Noel say those horrible things about Kairi? Kairi was his friend! And she could be Noel's friend too, if they believed in their friendship. Friendly friendship was what made true friends, couldn't he see that?
Suddenly, his super-human hearing picked up the sound of an incoming projectile. He gripped his Keyblade tightly and scanned the skies, eyes wary. The Heartless wouldn't get him this time.
And indeed, it was not the Heartless who landed on him, squishing his internal organs into so much pancake batter. It was Donald and Goofy.
"The Key!" they both cried at once, their hopes soaring like eagles in the morning sun. But as happens with eagles, their hopes were instantly sucked into the jet engines of bitter reality.
"Hey Donald, is the Chosen One supposed to be this gooshy?"
Donald hung his head. "We've killed him. He's the only one who can save the universe from oblivion, and we've killed him."
Several dimensions over, Riku was helping the Heartless destroy Bambi's home world (located on Endor's forest moon). He crouched in the bushes, covered from head to toe in camouflage. With the stealth of a serpent, he lifted his shotgun and aimed it at a doe in the distance. He squeezed the trigger and put a hole the size of a fist in her cranium. For one golden moment, he could see the shocked expression of her child through the gaping wound. Then the body fell over and the young doe scampered away, crying.
"Venison tonight," he said to his minions, "And them's good eatin'! YEEEEEE-HA!" The Heartless waved their antenna in approval.
As Riku stood up to claim his prize, the Keyblade materialized in his right hand in a flash of light. For a moment, he simply stared at it. Then, he was attacked by his Legions of Evil.
"DEATH TO THE KEYBLADE MASTER!" they screamed, biting into his legs with their tiny needle-like teeth.
Back in Traverse Town, Donald and Goofy were disposing of Sora's corpse in the most respectful fashion they could think of: feeding it to the Traverse Town orphans. But these were not just any orphans; these were orphans from the Aliens universe; xeno-orphans with a taste for human flesh.
"Hissssssss!" they cried, sticking out their second mouths in thankfulness for a filling meal.
Donald and Goofy smiled. They did love children so.
"Now children," said the head xeno-nun, "Let's give thanks for our meal." She lifted her claw hands towards Heaven. "Dear Hive-Mother, thank you for this foolish hu-man that these inferior life-forms have brought us. We will ingest him to your glory, and then implant eggs in the other two."
"Wait a minute…" thought Donald.
"May we successfully glue the denizens of this world to the walls of the hive and then spread as a plague over all worlds, ultimately destroying all other forms of life."
"Amen!" said Goofy.
Suddenly, a lamp came through the window, hitting the xeno-nun squarely on the forehead. Green acid shot out of her black carapace and sprayed the orphans, blinding several of them.
Noel clambered in through the window, face livid with rage. "Where the hell do you freaks get off feeding my buddy to a bunch of freaking orphans?" he snarled at Donald and Goofy.
"Well shucks, he's kinda dead right now," said Goofy, scratching his head.
"He's dead?" said Noel.
"He sure ain't movin'."
"Haven't you guys ever heard of freaking health restoratives?"
Donald and Goofy looked at each other. For some reason, that idea had never crossed their minds.
"Here, give him this," said Noel, tossing them a glass bottle with 'Revive' scrawled across it in black permanent marker.
Donald caught the bottle and looked at it, frowning. "So, do I pour it in his mouth? Or just on his body?"
"Just throw it in his general direction; they're self-extracting."
Riku ran through the forest, breathing hard. Behind him were enough Heartless to destroy an entire dimension, all hungry for him. He had tried dropping the Keyblade, but it just kept reappearing in his hand with that freaking annoying flash of light. Finally, he stumbled to his knees. He could run no further.
"Someone…help me…please…" he panted, petitioning a cold and unfeeling universe. As if to answer him, the Keyblade disappeared from his hand in another flash of light.
The Heartless wandered up to Riku, confused. They thought they had found the Keyblade Master, but it was just the hideous human after all.
Back in Traverse Town, Sora woke up groggily. He looked down and saw the Keyblade in his hand. He looked up and saw Donald and Goofy staring at him. He looked past them and saw Noel.
"Hi!" said Noel, "I just saved your life again."
"Where am I?" Sora asked.
"An orphanage for man-eating aliens," said Donald, "We thought you were dead."
"Hyuck!" said Goofy.
"I seriously need to reevaluate my lifestyle," Sora thought, rubbing his head.
Riku stood up and smacked the Heartless out of spite. "If you ever try to kill me again, at least give me a decent head start!" he yelled.
The Heartless cowered. Why was the filthy human hitting them? They were good Heartless. They wanted Heartless treats, not smackings.
Riku fumed. If Maleficent sent him on one more mission with inadequate support, he'd ram that glowing green staff up her withered white ass. And speaking of his support team…
"INTERN!" he yelled, "GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!"
Crashing through the forest came an ambiguously gendered figure in a hand-me-down black cloak. It tripped over its own feet and got tangled in the underbrush. After five excruciating minutes it managed to free itself, only to walk directly into an oak tree.
Riku shook his head. He knew that villain's sidekicks were supposed to as comically incompetent as they were evil, but this guy took the cake.
"Blake," he said, "Where were you while I was running for my life from the Heartless?"
Blake cleared his throat. "What? Why would they try to kill you, sir?"
"That's not important right now. What's important is that once again, you have failed me. Perhaps I should have you replaced with a delightful trained chimp. At least a chimp would pick insects out of my hair, which is more than I can say for you!"
"Oh yeah? That would be great, sir. Maybe then you could get your own damn mocha lattes!" Blake said with a flourish, pulling a crushed Starbucks cup from inside his cloak.
Riku looked at the cup, which was dripping its frothy goodness onto the forest floor. "Where exactly in your cloak was that?" he said.
"Trade secret," said Blake with a big wink.
Riku's gaydar went off with a vengeance. There was effeminately evil, and then… He shook his head started walking away. "C'mon, we've got a world to finish off."
Blake smiled like his birthday had come early.
"And no eating the Gummi blocks this time! Those things are expensive!" snarled Riku over his shoulder.
"Awwww…"
Back in Traverse Town, Leon was looking for Sora. "Now where could he be?" he mused.
"Think!" said Yuffie, "Where did you leave him last?"
"I can't remember my own name!" wailed 'Leon,' "What makes you think I can remember that?"
"See, this is why you need to leave the Keyblade Master in the same place every night. That way, you'll always know where he is in the morning!"
Meanwhile, Goofy and Donald were giving Sora and Noel a debriefing in a squalid alleyway.
"So, the CEO sent you to find me?" said Sora.
"Technically, he sent us to find the Keyblade Master. Since the Keyblade is lodged onto your hand, we'll assume that's you," said Donald.
"Wait a minute," said Noel, "Leon said that the CEO is evil. He tried to kill me just because I saw him once. Why the heck should we trust you?"
Donald looked down. "Listen…we know that Leon and his friends hate the CEO, and us for that matter. After all, the Corporations are the reason they're dying. But this is bigger than them and their petty freedoms."
"What?" said Sora.
"The reason they're dying is because they chose to violate their copyrights. You see, copyrights are what keep our worlds from falling to pieces. The legal jargon is like an incantation; they're words that define reality. Without them, nothing could exist for very long because anyone could change them. The worlds would lose order and fall into the darkness."
"So why did you guys destroy my world?" said Noel, "And what's with this Kingdom Hearts?"
"Any world that harbors copyright violators has to be destroyed," said Donald. "It's preemptive warfare. As for Kingdom Hearts, it's just a video game. The CEO put it together with the Square-Enix guys, and there you go."
"Yeah, but Leon said that Kingdom Hearts let them escape their worlds," said Sora. "Why would you make something like that?"
"And if changing worlds destroys them, where do you guys get off changing the Final Fantasy franchise, not to mention several Disney movies, for Kingdom Hearts?" interjected Noel. "Shit, you even drug Traverse Town and wherever the hell Sora came from into it."
"And why would the CEO give Noel the Keyblade?" asked Sora, "His world isn't even in Kingdom Hearts!"
"Hey yeah!" said Noel, "Kairi had already left by the time you freaks blew up my world. We weren't harboring shit!"
Donald looked and Goofy. Goofy grinned. "Tell you what guys," he said, "If you forget all of those questions about the CEO's war on copyright violators, we'll give you candy and let you ride on our Gummi ship! Hyuck!"
"Hooray!" said Sora and Noel. They sure did love candy something fierce.
"Do you think we'll meet my friends on our magical Gummi ship ride?" said Sora.
"Sure, why not?" said Goofy, "I'm sure finding them in the eternal soul-crushing vacuum of space will be a cinch."
Sora smiled. It was good to be the Keyblade Master.
Author's Notes:
Yeah, this was a poorly named chapter. insert poignant yet hilarious statement on how this chapter reveals the true meaning of life. At any rate,CH has 500 hits. GLEE!
I'm thinking about compiling a soundtrack for CH. Not an OST (original soundtrack), since I am incapable of playing any instruments, but a UST (unoriginal soundtrack) of other people's songs that kind of reflect the mood and feel of the story. Would that be at all interesting? See, if an author includes a quote from a song in their story, I always try to listen to the song while reading it. It really does help. Anyways...
Personal Note:
Luggage found. Classes start. Life get INSANE. Insanely cool that is. Need sleep now.
Deleted Metaphysical thingie:
Would you trust a thief to watch your riches? Would you instruct a starving man to guard your bread? Would you give your child to a lion for safekeeping? Even so, if darkness is left to rule your Heart, it will make short work of you.
Next time: Part Eleven - The Circle of Shadowy Figures from Disney Movies
