OK so. It was three years later after Bethany's crule, untimely, tragic, horrific, darkspawnish death at the hands of darkspawn because of her own stupidity. I was terribly sad still and also my mom was still sad and also a little bit mad at me because I didn't keep Bethany alive and well like a good babysitter but instead "let" her die. Andraste, mother, she died of her own stupidity, get it together.
Anyway, we were still living in Gamlen's shithole of a hovel in Lowtown, which was OK because I had my own room now with no Orlesian drapery and also my BFF Isabela's house the Hanged Man was just around the corner where I liked to drink and pick up templars of the unchaste variety. But it also still kind of sucked because every time I walked into the house after a night of partying it up or killing things for money, my mom would always give me this sassy side eye and also hate on me silently. So basically, I had to something about that. I asked Varric for his opinion, because he is my friend and also a dwarf so good at money, like all dwarves are good at money, but not in a racial way.
"So, like, my mom is totally being a bitch," I complained one night as me and my BFFs Isabela and Aveline and Varric and my prince Fenris and my student the Merrill and that gross mage seductress who still hangs out with us despite getting Bethany killed, Anders, were hanging out in the Hanged Man because it is the place to hang haha.
"Um, don't you have like a lot of money now?" Aveline asked, because I totally told her all about our super cool expedition to the Deep Roads of which I was the star and also we got a lot of money and killed darkspawn, two of my favorite things. "Can't you just buy her nice things so she'll like you? If you bought me nice things like a shield, I would like you even more than I already like you, which is impossible because we are BFFs."
Isabela's eyes flashed seductively and jealously with jealousy. "Excuse me, I am Mercie's BFF."
Aveline ignored her teen girlishly and I smiled because they are both my BFFs but I am worth fighting over so I let them do it.
"Ugh, my mom doesn't want money or nice things," I said. 'She is not materialistic like Bethany was, rest her abominable soul, so I cannot buy her love with simple Orlesian trinkets. What am I going to do?"
Varric was all like, "Well, Hawke, didn't your mother's family have a title back in the day?"
"I don't even know what a title means, Varric, I told you not to talk in dwarven business speak around me," I snapped snappishly. I usually don't snap at my friends but I was sad and tired and mad at my mom so I was particularly snappy.
"You could buy back your mother's family's estate here in town," Varric recommended dwarven businessly.
"I do have a lot of money from killing darkspawn," I admitted. "But I like my money because I can use it to buy booze and certainly not templar whores ever, and also I worked very hard for it, unlike you who just came along for the scenery and to get betrayed by your brother and also died like twice."
Fenris casually spoke up in a deep, chocolate voice like wolves running across a glen. "Hawke, you should consider what Varric's suggesting. It wouldn't bring Bethany back, but I think it would make your mom pretty happy to have her old heirlooms back."
"Plus," said Isabela sexily and suggestively, "You would live closer to Fenris wink wink," she said aloud.
"Well," I sighed and contemplatively agreed, "This is a pretty good argument. Also, I am getting like a ton of mercenary and also other work these days that I am very good at because I am good at working unlike Anders who still lives in Darktown." Anders looked up at me from playing with his hair, and shrugged because it is true he still lives in Darktown. "So I guess I could like, look into buying this estate or whatever."
After making such a good and brave decision, I drank three beers because I have a good alcohol tolerance and then I asked Varric.
"So, how do I go about buying this estate?" I asked Varric.
"Well, I heard it's been overrun by slavers," he said. "But if you could find a back entrance, and kill them like you obviously like to do, you could probably find some paperwork proving the estate belonged to your mom's family. Then you bring the paperwork to -"
"Ugh, I HATE paper and also reading and writing!" I yelled seductively. Reading and writing are magely feats to be done in the circle tower and by old people who are unsound of body, and not by strong warrior women who have much more important and warriorish business to attend to. "That is wwaaaaay to much work. I will find some other way to get this estate that doesn't involve killing people and spending my money, which I hate to do."
So I thought about it for a few days while my mom moped around the house because Bethany is dead, even though it's been like three years mom, and also she didn't spend nearly as much time mourning Carber's death even though he is a strong a warrior and not a mage abomination which makes him way better than Bethany even though he was annoying.
Then I realized I could totally call in a favor from my favorite cousin Ravena Cousland, queen of the grey wardens and also of Fereldan who was never going to die because she is immortal, and is also supes rich and beautiful. But then I also realized that she does not live in the pisshole that is Kirkwall, she lives in the beautiful, utilitarian, dog-loving Fereldan, so I could not just run into her house and ask her for a favor because it is across the ocean, and I would have to write her a letter, which I hate. Since Bethany is no longer here and is dead, she couldn't write my letters for me. I would get another mage to do it, but I hate mages and lock them up in the circle as soon as I see them.
Then I realized I had two magely acquaintances who sometimes ran around with me on my errands. I thought about asking the Merrill to write my letter but she is dumb and an illterate elf, so she couldn't do it, and besides when I asked her, she was busy not cleaning her house and said something about a mirror but that couldn't be true because elves are ugly and do not own mirrors. But only the free marches elves because my cousin Ravena Cousland, queen of the grey wardens also of Fereldan, is half-Fereldan-elf and also beautiful and immortal so she is never going to die.
Then I realized that I could ask Anders to write my letter even though I hate him because he owed me for double-tranquilizing his platonic friend, and also for getting Bethany killed in the Deep Roads, and also he needed to repay me for letting him hang out with me all the time, because I was so famous and strong and warriorish that just being near me brought up his status in the slums of Darktown.
So I summoned Anders to my house because I do not step foot in Darktown because it ruins my shoes the slums do with their poo-filled streets. Even though I am not a materialist who cares about such things like outward appearance, having poo-filled shoes is not pleasant or functional. So I made him come to my house, where he knocked on the door and my mom answered it.
"Oh hello," said my mom pleasantrielish and flirtishly. "Are you one of Mercie's friends? She tells me about you all." Then she called to me. "Mercie, there is an attractive man at the door. Is he one of your friends? Can he be mine?"
"MAKER mother NO he is a gROSS MAGE SEDUCTRESS LIKE DAD ACTUALLY!" I said as I ran to the door and grabbed Anders' arm and dragged him to my room where my mom couldn't see him.
"Andraste, Anders, I can't believe you tried to seduce my mother that is super rude of a house guest of you!" I exclaimed. "Now write me this letter!"
"Ok fine, but I wasn't trying to seduce your mom," said Anders. "BTW, is it true that your dad was a mage?"
"OMG ANDERS! Whatever. He was a good mage, OK, unlike you. Now here is some paper and like a quill thing that I'm pretty sure you mages write with."
So Anders wrote a letter to Ravena and then left because I shoved him out the door for stinking up my house with his gross hoboness and also before my mom could see him again. She is obviously fooled by his blood mage charms because she is weak to mage charms because she married my dad, a mage.
"He was quite a nice young man," said my mom. "You should bring him by more often. I think you to look good together."
"UGH mom I am not marrying a mage like you! I am marrying a hot elf prince with skin like chocolate who I am going to bring by more often because he only smells like alcohol, not poo, and does not have any magely charm like Anders. Except for his glowing lyium tattoos but those are not mageish they are lyrimlish."
So I sent the letter to my best cousin Ravena who is also my most beautiful cousin and most immortal cousin of all of my other cousins, who are not beautiful or immortal because they are mostly mages. She instantly sent back a reply. I brought the paper which I did not read back to the estate, where it instantly burned all of the slavers to crisp in a half-elvish fashion and also cleaned the entire house and also did all of my paperwork for me. That is why Ravena is my favorite cousin.
I brought my mom to the house and she was overjoyed to have her old stuff back like probably some tapestries and pictures and reasonable clothing that did not stink and shit. She instantly forgave me for Bethany's crule, untimely, tragic, horrific, darkspawnish death at the hands of darkspawn and Anders, which she should have done immediately because it was not my fault at all but I'm over it. Then we lived happily in our estate and I continued to kill things for money. But not everything was perfect because I did not have my prince yet because he was playing hard to get and also did not seem to notice all of the times I sat at his house and watched him drink by the fireplace. It was OK though, because ours is a lasting love that will eventually previal over all.
Or so I thought… but then, tragedy struck, in the form of giant, grey, horned beasts. TO BE CONTINUED.
