TOW the Bloody Nose
I hope you haven't all forgotten this little series, as I still have a few almost finished chapters to post at some point and plenty more ideas :o) Set season 5 when Joey knows and Rachel knows but they don't know she knows…you know?
It was official. This was the best Friday night ever.
All their friends already had big plans for the evening, meaning Monica and Chandler were free to do whatever they wanted with no questions asked. They didn't even have to come up with any excuses, had no curfews and could be together for the night as a 'normal' couple.
Which was why they were currently on some random dancefloor in some random nightclub. They were probably getting way too old for this sort of place, but right now Chandler couldn't care less; right now, all that mattered was the woman dancing oh-so-closely with him.
They were free to kiss and touch as much as they wanted. They were just another anonymous horny couple amongst the sea of dancing, sweaty bodies.
"God, I really needed this," Monica shouted in his ear, as she looped her arms around his neck, her body still moving in time to the overly loud and very questionable 'music'.
Things had been stupidly busy lately, which was why Monica had asked if they could go to a club tonight; she had wanted to just escape, relax and have some fun. He hadn't been quite as keen on the idea but now they were here, it felt so good to let their hair down and be together like this.
"Me too," he agreed, squinting as one of the stupidly bright disco lights flashed directly into his eyes. Ouch.
"When did you get so sexy?" Monica asked, her painted nails tracing patterns of fire on the back of his neck.
"You must be drunk," he teased, "you're the sexy one in this relationship, remember? And I'm the funny one."
"What if I happen to think you're sexy and funny?" she asked, gazing up at him with that smile.
"Then that doesn't really leave much for you to be," he chuckled.
Monica smiled, shaking her head before pulling him down for a kiss. It became passionate quickly and he still couldn't get over how much they needed each other. It had been five months, five months of unbelievable sex and yet he still craved it, still craved her so badly that it actually hurt.
He deepened the kiss, his arms coming around her waist to hold her close to him. Then one hand travelled up to find the back of her head, his fingers burying themselves in the soft strands. His other hand moved in the opposite direction, dancing down her exposed spine, pleased as he felt her shiver against him; whoever had invented backless dresses was a pure genius. His hand continued to caress the naked skin of her back for a moment, before moving further south.
She moaned into his mouth as his hand found a butt cheek, letting his fingers lightly stroke for a moment before pressing their groins together, letting her feel what she was doing to him. She made some sort of sound and Chandler felt his head starting to spin, his heart pounding faster than the beat of the bass coming through the OTT giant speakers that they were next to.
They never did anything like this in public. Sure they teased each other occasionally when they got the chance but it was always discreet, hidden, never this bold and blatant; he was loving it, getting lost in it. He felt her fingers tighten on the back of his head, Monica clearly loving this too. He flexed his hand, squeezing her cheek and remembering she had gone commando this evening. God, the only thing separating him from her perfect ass was the thin silky material that he could feel under his fingertips. She was gonna kill him. He let out his own groan continuing to hungrily kiss her for all he was worth, desperate to taste and experience this incredible woman.
Suddenly, he felt hands grabbing at him, roughly pulling him away from Monica. Confused, he opened his eyes, only to instinctively shut them again as a fist came flying towards him, connecting painfully with his nose. Ow, dear god that hurt. His hands instantly clutched at his damaged face, the blood rushing in his ears and out of his nose.
"What the hell are you doing? My baby sister? How can you take advantage of her like that? She's meant to be your friend and you're, you're…? What's the matter with you?"
Crap.
Thankfully, Monica answered for him, "my God Ross, you idiot! He's not taking advantage of me."
Monica was next to him then, her eyes filled with concern, her warm hands stroking his chest, his shoulders and his arms, before finally taking his hands, gently encouraging him to move them away from his nose, so she could see what they were dealing with. He close his eyes, biting his lips as she poked and prodded.
"You're bleeding," she stated the obvious. "We better get you to the restroom."
"I've got it," Chandler said quietly. His ego was bruised enough, very aware of the curious stares they were getting from kids that probably weren't even old enough to be in here; the last thing he needed was his girlfriend to escort him to the bathroom.
He offered her a little smile as she squeezed his hands, before he shot one quick hesitant look to Ross, who was frowning but remaining quiet. Embarrassed, he walked as quickly as possible in the direction of the bathroom, clutching his nose; he was somewhat grateful that his hands were hiding most of his red face.
Pushing open the hideous orange doors, he cringed at the overly bright lights and headed straight to a sink. He squinted at the small mirror which hung over it, wincing as he noticed it offered him the not so pleasant view of the urinals. He was thankful that no one was currently using them.
"Here," he looked over to see the restroom guy offering him a wad of tissues. Chandler frowned at him for a second, "they are free of charge," the attendant chuckled, "just looked like you needed them."
"Thanks," Chandler nodded, accepting them and turning back to the mirror. He started the icky cleanup job, wiping the blood from his chin, grimacing as he realized his nose was still bleeding. "Am I meant to tilt my head up or down?" he mused out loud, throwing a look to the guy.
"Advice I do charge for," the other man chuckled, taking in Chandler's frown, "just kidding, sir. Tilt your head forward a little." Chandler followed his advice, closing his eyes as he felt the start of a headache.
It was official. This was rapidly turning into the worst Friday night ever.
"What happened? Do you want me to get security?"
"Nah, security's not needed," he dismissed easily, "it was actually one of my best friends."
The guy raised an eyebrow at him, "then you need some new friends, pal, let me start by introducing myself, I'm Eric."
"Chandler. I would shake your hand but-" he half gestured to the mess.
"That's alright. I ensure I avoid all hands that have any bodily fluid on them," Eric told him and Chandler tried a small smile, "that's rule number three."
"That's probably a very sensible policy," Chandler agreed, not asking about the first two rules as he took away the tissue and gently inspected his nose in the mirror. Still bleeding. Just great. "And I kinda gave him a good reason to punch me," he admitted, tilting his head once more.
"Yeah? What'd you do?"
"He, ah caught me feeling up his little sister."
"Ouch, ooooh man!" Eric shook his head in disbelief, "you've gotta be stupid to try something like that with one of your best mate's sisters! It's like going with an ex. You're damn lucky he only threw the one punch."
"I know, I know," Chandler sighed, "but I've been dating her for months. Five months today actually. Ironically, this was just a night out to relax and enjoy ourselves. We didn't know he was here…until the bloody nose thing. I wouldn't have been dancing like that, with her, if I'd known he was around. Hell, we would have avoided this place and gone somewhere else."
"He doesn't like you dating her?" Eric guessed.
"He doesn't know I'm dating her," Chandler frowned before correcting himself, "didn't know; he clearly does now."
"I see." Chandler sincerely doubted he did.
"Yeah…say, do you have anything in your magic stash that gets blood out of clothes? I kinda liked this shirt."
Eric laughed, shaking his head, "Nope, I've just got the usual colognes and soap…you know what I tell 'em? No soap, no hope."
Chandler chuckled slightly before checking out his face in the mirror again, frowning. "Should it still be bleeding? Are you sure I shouldn't be tilting it up?"
"Nah, give it time, it was obviously quite some punch," Eric commented having seen plenty of nosebleeds in his current vocation.
"I was caught off guard," Chandler protested. "I didn't even see it coming. I was too busy feeling up his little sister, remember?"
Eric simply nodded in a 'the-customer-is-always-right' sort of way.
The restroom doors opened then and a sheepish looking Ross entered. He winced a little as he took in Chandler, "hey man."
"Hey," Chandler answered somewhat cautiously, hoping the man hadn't come for round two.
"You sure you don't want security?" Eric whispered sensing the tension, but Chandler shook his head before wincing slightly at the pain. Damn headache.
"I, uh," Ross started, stepping closer to him, "I'm really sorry, dude, I shouldn't have freaked out like that."
Chandler frowned a little. Ross was apologizing to him? How the hell had Monica managed that? "Um-"
"I just wasn't expecting to see…that," he pulled a slight face as he obviously relived the memory, "See, I didn't know you guys were together. I just saw your hands on her and flipped. I've had a few beers, was caught off-guard and I wasn't exactly thinking straight. I just went into big brother mode and did the whole 'Red Ross' thing for a moment. I should never have punched you though, I'm sorry man. I guess I better continue with those anger management classes, huh?"
Chandler offered him a small nod.
"If I'd even stopped to think about it for just a second, or talked to you I would have figured it was consensual," Ross continued, "You think the world of Monica, always have, I know you would never take advantage of her like that," he shrugged uncomfortable, "I should've pulled you off and waited for some answers. I really am sorry."
"It's fine," Chandler dismissed, appreciating the apology but appreciating more that Ross understood that he would never hurt or use Monica like that. "It's water under the bridge."
They'd been through a lot together, this was just another 'incident' to add to their entertaining stories and anecdotes. They'd be fine. Not knowing what else to say he turned to the mirror again, examining his nose. It had finally stopped bleeding and he was grateful for small mercies.
"That looks painful," Ross grimaced, "It's not broken is it? I could take you to the emergency room if you wanted?"
Chandler carefully shook his head, not wanting to do anything that could risk starting it off again, "nah, don't flatter yourself, you're just one heck of a shot, I'll give you that but you're not good enough to break it. I just need some aspirin or something. Besides, I'm not spending our anniversary in the restroom followed by the ER."
"Anniversary?" Eric and Ross both asked, as the latter rummaged around in his pockets to locate a small packet of painkillers.
"Five months," he smiled almost proudly as he gratefully accepted Ross' offerings. "She's crazy enough to have willingly been with me for five months," he informed them as he swallowed the pills dry.
"She is crazy about you," Ross commented. "You should have heard the hell she gave me for pulling this."
"Hell hath no fury like a pissed woman in a nightclub," Eric offered with an experienced voice. "Wanna buy her a rose?" He gestured to a few single flowers that were squished between the tiled wall and various male fragrance bottles. "Buy a rose for your hoes, that's what I tell them."
Just how many bad sayings did this guy have?
"I'm not buying my sister a rose," Ross protested, "that's just weird. If anyone should buy her one it's Chandler."
"Me?" he blinked in surprise, his head and nose still throbbing. "I've got nothing to be sorry for. I was giving her a lovely evening until you came and punched me. I'm the victim here."
"It's your anniversary," Ross shot back.
"Fine, I'll give her a rose, but you're paying," he raised a challenging eyebrow.
Ross glared at him before rolling his eyes, "fine, how much?"
Begrudgingly, the paleontologist grabbed the wallet from his pants' pocket and handed some crumpled bills over to Eric, receiving an overpriced rose from him in return. Rolling his eyes again he quickly thrusted it at Chandler.
"Ross, you shouldn't have," he quipped earning another glare.
A moment later the doors opened and a nervous kid entered looking around before hesitantly approaching them, "um, are either of you Chandler or Ross?"
"That's us," Chandler nodded confused.
"Look, there's a crazy woman waiting outside, she wouldn't let me in unless I promised to pass on a message. She wants one of you to come out and explain what's taking so long," he held up his hands in defense, "I just wanted to pee."
"You're fine, go pee," Chandler waved him away, throwing a last look to Ross. "I guess we better get out there."
"Yeah," Ross pulled a face, not really in a hurry to see his angry sister again, "let's hope she's calmed down."
"You're the one she's mad at," Chandler pointed out, chucking the bloodied tissues in the bin and washing his hands before picking the rose back up. "Besides I have this," he wiggled the said flower.
"Yeah, whatever," Ross groused.
"Thanks Eric," Chandler turned to the restroom guy. "It's been a blast."
"No worries and good luck," he offered them both a smile, "I hope the rest of your night is less eventful."
With a wave they left the safety of the bathroom, neither surprised when Monica immediately pounced on them, "there you are, I was getting worried," her hands went instantly to Chandler's cheeks, angling his face, so she could see the results.
"Sorry, it was a bit of a bleeder," Chandler commented as she screwed up her face. "I got you a present though."
She frowned, her eyes leaving his somewhat battered nose to see the somewhat battered rose he was holding out to her, "What? From the bathroom? Why?"
"To celebrate our anniversary," he shrugged a little embarrassed, a cute smile touching his lips.
"Well, this is one anniversary I'm sure we'll remember," she chuckled softly, reaching for the offered rose to study it slightly, before blushing a little, changing her mind, "this is really sweet, thank you." She leaned forward, carefully placing a feather-light kiss on his cheek, wary of his delicate nose.
Ross threw him an 'I told you so' look and Chandler just shrugged happily.
"I guess we better head home," Chandler commented, gesturing to his bloodied shirt, "I know a lot of these places have relaxed their dress codes somewhat but this is probably pushing it."
Monica smiled at him, wrapping herself around his arm and snuggling into his side, "you coming, Ross?"
Her brother glanced at them, taking in their cuddling as he tried to get his head around everything. "Yeah," he nodded finally, following them out of the club and into a conveniently located cab.
The short ride was quiet and wordlessly Ross paid for them and they made their way up the stairs and into apartment 20.
"Hey!" Rachel called from the couch not bothering to look up from her magazine until Phoebe's voice.
"What the hell happened?" their blonde friend asked standing up.
Rachel's eyes widened as she turned and took in the entire scene. Monica helping a bruised Chandler into a kitchen chair, a guilty looking Ross trailing behind them.
"Oh my god," Rachel gasped, as realization dawned. All eyes turned questioningly to her, "Ross found about you?"
"You knew?" Both Gellers asked in shock, as Phoebe asked, "found out what?"
"Of course I knew," Rachel dismissed with a wave of her arm, "I told you I knew and you tried to fob me off. Do you really believe I think Chandler is a bigamist who pays you to clean his bedroom?"
"What?" Ross and Phoebe both asked even more confused.
"Ok," Monica nodded, trying to calm the situation as she went to the freezer, grabbing an icepack and placing it on Chandler's nose. He winced, trying to bat her away but she gave him a stern look before addressing the others, "I'm sorry I lied to you Rachel and yes, Ross found out."
"Found out what?" Phoebe asked starting to get seriously annoyed. "Someone better tell me what's going on or I will kick some butt."
Chandler blinked in surprise.
"Monica and Chandler are dating," Ross supplied meekly, breaking the silence as he took the kitchen chair opposite them.
"Really? Since when?" Phoebe's eyes went to the couple in question, watching as Monica fussed over him some more, her arms going around his shoulders as he invited her to sit on his lap.
Seeing that neither Monica nor Chandler were about to answer, Ross stepped in again, "Since five months ago, tonight's an anniversary apparently."
Chandler glanced at Monica around his icepack. Some anniversary this had turned out to be. She met his gaze, reading his mind and offered him a small smile in consolation. She understood. It was good everyone now knew, really it was, but both would have preferred to have tonight for themselves.
"So what happened?" Rachel gestured to the state of Chandler's nose, although she was pretty sure she could put the pieces together herself.
"I was out with some work people," Ross started the tale. "They thought it would be healthy for me to socialize with them whilst I'm on sabbatical," he shrugged clearly not agreeing with their logic. "There were just a few of us left and one of the guys suggested we go to this club, so we all agreed. When we got there I kinda lost them."
"They blew you off?" Phoebe laughed.
"No!" he protested, "I'm sure they just hooked up with some women or something. Anyhow, I started to look for them. It was crowded and I couldn't see them at the bar, or at any of the tables, so I started looking on the dancefloor and that's when I saw Chandler…" he was aware of all four pairs of eyes on him, "…doing that to my little sister. I just lost it and went straight up to him and….punched him."
"You punched him?" Much to Chandler's disbelief Phoebe seemed impressed, "I didn't think you had it in you." She studied Ross' face critically, "you've not got a single mark. Did Chandler not get one in himself?"
"Hey," Chandler protested, his voice a little muffled, "I had no time to defend myself. I was dancing with my girlfriend…"
"Dancing?" It was Ross' turn to protest, "Your tongue was down her throat and your hand was on her ass. That's not dancing."
"It is in my book," Phoebe wiggled her eyebrows, making a weird purring clucking sound.
Chandler frowned a little and Monica stroked his hair in comfort.
"His tongue and hand had every right to be there," Monica stated, meeting his eyes and sharing a smile. She had very much been enjoying where his talented tongue and hands had been, damn over protective Ross.
"I can't believe you punched him!" Rachel shook her head. "You!"
"It was the heat of the moment kinda thing. I've apologized and we're good," his eyes landed on Chandler questioningly, "right?"
"Right," he offered him a smile back as Monica's fingertips continued to gently caress his hair. "We're fine." And they were. It wasn't the way he wanted Ross to find out about them but at least everything had settled down already. Everyone knew about them, the hiding and secrecy was over…it felt weird.
Rachel shook her head at Ross before turning her attention to her roommate, "So, I'm gonna want more details about you guys, Joey was useless."
"Joey?" Ross asked and she nodded.
"Wait, I'm last to know? Out of everyone?" Phoebe questioned pissed, her eyes glaring daggers at them both, before moving specifically to target Chandler, "you told your roommate and not the rest of us?"
"I, uh," Chandler swallowed nervously.
"Oh, Joey found out a long time ago," Rachel cut in, her gossip mode booting up instantly, "see they went away for this weekend together but Joey found out and busted them." She started to rack her brain for the little information she did know, "let's see they got together in London-"
"London? At my wedding?" Ross frowned, suddenly looking like he was going to punch Chandler again. Chandler swallowed again.
"Yeah, but he really doesn't know much, just tried to cover for them. Oh, remember all that weird stuff with the naked photo and urgh those underpants- they were yours," she also glared at Chandler causing him to swallow nervously for a third time, feeling he was on trial here. "Joey doesn't really know much, mostly just about where they've done it."
"You tell Joey about our sex life?" Monica asked, whacking his shoulder, also glaring at him.
"Wh-? No!" How had this happened? How had he gone from the innocent victim to the bad guy in a matter of minutes? Feeling all their glares on him he removed the icepack and addressed the most important person first, "Mon, I don't give Joey any details," he promised quietly, pouting a little before lowering his voice even more. "It's so damn good it's hard not to brag about it but I don't tell him much. I promise."
As hoped, she caved instantly. She found it hard to resist his puppy-dog look at the best of times, it was even harder with his bruised face. She hugged him tightly, pulling back to offer him a large smile before leaning forwards to place a careful, gentle kiss on his lips.
"I wish I could kiss you properly," she whispered in his ear.
He close his eyes, his desire from earlier back with full force. He would love nothing more than to kiss her, even in front of their curious friends but he knew he couldn't. Even if they were careful to avoid his nose, as soon as he got lost in the kiss he knew it would get knocked, bringing an unpleasant end to any make-out session. Damn overprotective Ross.
"You know," he whispered as a thought suddenly came to him, "it's only my lips and nose you can't kiss. The rest of me is working just fine."
She pulled away enough to meet his sparkling eyes, a wicked grin on her face, accompanying his cheeky one. She turned to the frowning gang, "right, well, as fun as tonight has been, we're going to call it a night."
The others' frowns deepened.
"What?" Ross asked.
"But we have questions," Rachel protested.
"Lots of questions," Phoebe nodded.
"Then you'll just have to save them for another day," Monica answered sweetly as she helped Chandler up. "I'm gonna help Chandler get out of these dirty clothes and then we are gonna celebrate our anniversary. Possibly for the rest of the weekend."
Chandler's face went giddy as the others cringed.
"All weekend?" he whispered in her ear excitedly at the same time Rachel asked the exact same question.
"Yuh huh," she answered him quietly with a seductive smile, ignoring her roommate, "we have to enjoy the fact we aren't a secret anymore...unless you have other plans?"
"Hell no!" he promised, thrilled as she took his hand firmly and led him towards the apartment door. "We can leave a sock on the door for Joey," he winked. "Enjoy the rest of the weekend, guys!" he called over his shoulder ignoring their protests.
He'd been right before, this was officially, hands down, the best Friday night ever.
A/N- I hope you enjoyed this silly one. I usually write Ross' reaction being a lot calmer but I figured if this was how he found out he probably would react more like he did on the show (especially given how much he had going on in season 5).
Plus, I'm mega excited today as the tickets to Matthew's West End play arrived in the post. Yeah! Roll on March! Thanks again to Chloe for letting me know about it and if anyone's near London check it out :o)
As always, thanks for reading my ramblings and any feedback is really appreciated!
