Author's Note: I know it's been a long time since my last update, and this chapter is...sappy, at best. Real life kind of took over, and the only reason I'm posting now is, in fact, because this chapter was already mostly done. The good news, though, is that there are only two chapters left to go!
Happy Christmas and happy New Year, everyone!
Lord of My Dreams
9: Desperation
The library door had barely shut behind them when Sesshoumaru turned on her.
"I see that your refinement has left you, Rin. I had hoped at least that your etiquette lessons were not wasted, but it would seem that I hoped in vain." Rin had never heard Sesshoumaru's voice so hard.
Rin blinked, startled. She had thought that they had reached some sort of understanding, but this did not seem to be the case. Sesshoumaru was opening his mouth again, and anger flared in Rin.
She would not stand like a fish and be berated for a misunderstanding that was as much his fault as hers. "Oh, like you're one to talk! Do you have any idea what your parents are probably thinking now?"
"You forget your place—they are not my parents."
"Yes they are, and your stubborn insistence that they aren't doesn't do you any credit! And what the hell is that supposed to mean, my place?"
"You have no right to stick your nose into my life. "
"Oh yes I do—you may have forgotten, but you gave me the right when you stuck your nose into mine!"
"What a way to thank a person who saved you from abuse and potential rape."
"I never asked you to save me!"
"Obviously. You could not speak."
"Well, it's nice to see that you at least remember some details of our childhoods!"
"I? You think that I forgot? You honestly think that I would- when you…" Rin watched in astonishment as for the first time, Sesshoumaru seemed at a loss for words. And then he spun around to slam his palms onto the closed door on either side of Rin's head, trapping her against it. "You left me!"
Rin gulped, and tears welled in her eyes. She had guessed the cause for his anger. Sesshoumaru had just confirmed that her guess had been correct.
Rin reached out to touch his face, but he caught her hands and pushed them away. "I thought it was for the best." Her voice was thick.
Sesshoumaru stared at her. Then the fury that had been radiating from him evaporated, and he looked at her with nothing but regret. "Rin. Had I truly wished to go to Harvard, I would have taken you with me if you wished. Had you wished to stay here, I could have gone alone and left you in Jaken's care."
"But you wouldn't have," Rin whispered. "You told Jaken you'd never leave me alone with him."
"It was not necessary."
Rin stared up at him. I did what I wanted to do, he was telling her.
"I thought—it seemed the right thing to do. And the circumstances were just…matching up."
"I told you not to tell people so that they would not take you away. You used the rule to obtain opposite results."
Rin only could reach out and embrace him.
"Sess?" Rin ventured after a few moments.
"Rin," he replied warily, but did not pull away.
"I don't remember a me before you. My life didn't begin until you."
There was no reaction, and for a moment, Rin closed her eyes and prepared for heartbreak. Then his arms came around her and pulled her close.
"The other day—you were so cold."
"You appeared to have forgotten me."
"But I hadn't."
"I made assumptions. That was wrong of me."
Rin looked up in astonishment at the first apology that she had ever heard Sesshoumaru offer. His face was close, and for the first time in years, his eyes were once again those of her friend. It seemed the most natural thing in the world to close the small distance between their lips in a chaste kiss—so that was what she did.
The chaste kiss was over almost as soon as it had begun, but as Rin looked up, Sesshoumaru leaned forward to capture her mouth with his. He kissed her again and again, never seeking more than the touch of her lips against his. The simple feeling of their lips against each other was overwhelming—Rin wasn't certain that she could have handled anymore at that moment.
After some time had passed the pair stood leaning against the door, breathing heavily. Sesshoumaru's head was tucked into Rin's shoulder. It was only then that Rin realized that at some point she had been lifted off the ground, and was now held up only by the arm around her waist. The realization sent a thrill down her spine; her legs moved as though to wrap around his waist before she realized what that might imply and caught herself.
But not in time. Sesshoumaru looked up at her questioningly. Rin's face burned scarlet. Without a word, Sesshoumaru shifted forwards and caught one of her legs under the knee.
"You need not worry," he whispered as he pulled the leg around his hip without letting his eyes leave her. "You need only be you. Do as you wish, always. I will not interpret your actions as invitations unless you make it clear. I will never do anything that you do not desire."
Rin twined her legs around his waist and pulled her arms more tightly about his shoulders. She wondered if she was happier that he seemed to treasure her, or more frustrated that he seemed to find it so easy to resist her. Fresh in her mind was the memory of the dream where she had had but to touch him for him to respond. She had to swallow again before she could convince herself to form the words she wished to say. Even so, they came out weak and childish, half way between a whisper and a squeak.
"Kiss me properly?"
She winced as soon as she said it, positive that Sesshoumaru would find a way to gently disentangle himself from her. She began to loosen her arms and legs, prepared to be set back on her feet. She could feel the heat in her face, and wondered if she wasn't about to catch on fire.
A moment later, she was positive that she was going to spontaneously combust. Sesshoumaru had pressed her forwards against the door so hard that it almost hurt, and his lips moved coaxingly against hers. She could only cling to him with all she had; she was almost positive that she heard herself whimper when his tongue swept across the upper lip of her half-open mouth for the first time.
She had experienced such kisses innumerable times in her dreams. She knew in theory how to respond. But even as she reached out her tongue to meet his, she felt clumsy and childish. She found herself wondering how many women he had kissed to perfect kissing to this extent.
He pulled away, and Rin gave a whimper as she followed his mouth with hers. And just like that, his mouth and tongue were back on hers, stroking and coaxing as his arms tightened around her. When at last they drew apart again, it was mutual and they were both breathing heavily.
"So many dreams, Sess," she whispered without ever really deciding to tell him. "I've had so many dreams about you. All in different times and different places, but it was always us."
"I too," replied Sesshoumaru. "That is why I wanted that book-" He broke off and looked at her speculatively. "Rin, what did you dream last night?"
Rin felt her face grow hot. "I was meeting you in a barn. I loved you, Sess, so very much, but I was supposed to marry another in the morning, so you-" He cut off her words with a kiss—a kiss that was tongue and teeth and hands on her body, and while her body flushed at the unfamiliar sensations, her mind remembered the movements from the previous night's dream.
"We have the same dreams," she gasped against his mouth. "Always the same. Sess, you love me."
"You do not do your intelligence any credit if you claim to have only realized that now."
"I knew you cared for me, but you…love me."
"Yes," said Sesshoumaru simply, looking her in the eye. "I love you."
There was nothing more beautiful than Sesshoumaru's eyes just then, Rin thought. She almost opened her mouth to tell him that she loved him too. But she had told him she loved him many times since childhood. This was the first time that Sesshoumaru had even ever said the word "love" in Rin's hearing. Somehow, Rin thought that an "I love you too" would undermine Sesshoumaru's rare words.
So she leaned her forehead against his, met his eyes and smiled, squeezing him with her arms and legs. She dropped a chaste kiss on his mouth—and one turned into two, which turned into three, which then deepened into a river of kisses. Eventually they calmed again, with Sesshoumaru's head in the crook of Rin's neck where he dropped lazy kisses, and Rin's cheek resting against his hair. They stood there that way for a time, simply holding each other, content to just be.
"Sess?" whispered Rin.
"Rin," replied Sesshoumaru against her neck.
"We have to do something about that book."
"So we do," agreed Sesshoumaru.
"I don't want to move," Rin whispered in his ear. He raised his head and his arms loosened around her, sliding down her back…over her hips…down her thighs…and then her legs were unwound from his waist and she was plunked on her feet on the floor. She wobbled unsteadily for one startled moment, and Sesshoumaru supported her with an arm around her waist.
"That wasn't very nice of you," she remarked a little crossly, covering the hand on her waist with her own.
"I apologize," said Sesshoumaru with a small smile. "But if I had not done that, I suspect that neither of us would have been willing to leave our positions for quite a while."
"I've waited five years for this," said Rin quietly. "And maybe even lifetimes before that."
"Then you can wait a few hours more," said Sesshoumaru briskly.
"Is it so easy for you to cast me aside?" Rin grumbled. A fraction of a second later, she was swung around and pressed against a bookshelf with Sesshoumaru looking intently down at her.
"Never," said Sesshoumaru. Rin smiled. She tilted her chin up and their lips caught each other's in a slow, promising kiss.
"The book, Rin," Sesshoumaru reminded her when they broke apart.
"In my room," replied Rin, distracted by the sensation of tangling Sesshoumaru's fingers between hers. "At o-ne-san's house."
"Then come," he said, and they left the room and made a beeline for the front door. It crossed Rin's mind that should they run into her—or his—family, she had no idea how to act or what to say. But they made it through the house without running into anyone, and walked out the front gate.
"We're walking?" Rin asked. Sesshoumaru nodded. They walked down the street, hands securely laced.
It felt surreal. Rin walked the whole way to the bus stop with her hand in Sesshoumaru's. She leaned on his shoulder for most of the bus ride, and their hands remained laced as they made their way towards her home after alighting from the bus. Every so often she would wonder if she ought to worry that she would wake—but then she would acknowledge that this felt like nothing else she had ever felt, and know that it was real.
"Does it always feel this exhilarating when you first take a lover?" she asked Sesshoumaru. He stopped and looked at her with dark eyes.
"I wouldn't know," he said, "as you're the first I ever intended to take."
"But your kisses are so…" Rin flushed. "So good."
Sesshoumaru all but rolled his eyes. "Of course they are. So are yours. We do have a few lifetimes of experience behind us."
"But I feel so…clumsy," Rin objected.
Sesshoumaru gave her an unreadable look. "Do you mean to tell me that that was truly your first kiss?"
"It wasn't yours," Rin said. She had already known, somehow, but it was hard anyway. "You said only moments ago that I was the only-"
"You were," Sesshoumaru's voice was solid, daring her to doubt him. "You are. But in the beginning—Rin, you were a child. I felt like a pedophile."
"So you took your attentions to others." Rin kept her voice strong, trying to pretend it didn't hurt.
"Only kisses," said Sesshoumaru. "And only a handful of times. Because it felt wrong, kissing a woman who wasn't you."
Rin glanced at their surroundings, which she had been ignoring. They were almost home, she noted. She took Sesshoumaru's hand and dragged him behind her at a half run. At the door, she fumbled in her pockets until she found her key—thank goodness I brought it—and the moment the door closed behind them she had swung around to press the older man against the door.
"Kiss me," she said. "Touch me like you've never touched anyone else. Take me—make me yours until you're mine too."
"Rin," said Sesshoumaru sternly. "This is no way for-"
"I don't care!" cried Rin. "Five years I've spent pining after you—but I loved you before that, too. I never even thought of replacing you. How could you expect me to be okay with this?"
"I never replaced you," growled Sesshoumaru, his eyes flashing. "I wanted to distract myself. It never worked. I felt like a pedophile, but I realized that other women as a distraction was not going to help after only a handful of kisses. That should speak for the strength of my devotion, Rin."
"Then show me," said Rin, kissing his mouth as she caught both his hands in hers and placed them on her body.
"Rin," Sesshoumaru protested even as his hands stroked her. "We do not need to rush."
"We won't," Rin assured him even as their clothing was being shed and they were making a beeline for her bedroom. "Just—I need to feel you."
And Sesshoumaru did not protest as they entered her bedroom. He gently lowered her down onto the bed.
It was perhaps an hour later that they remembered the book.
"Right there, on my desk," said Rin.
"And you are closer to the desk," Sesshoumaru pointed out. Rin gave him a mild glare before darting out from under the covers to the desk. She grabbed the book and clambered back into bed, seeking the warmth of Sesshoumaru's skin against hers. Snuggled up against him, she opened the book.
The page was blank, so she flipped to the next. And the next, and the next after that. She flipped through the whole book then, but saw not a single page with writing on it.
"Invisible ink?" she suggested.
"The more likely explanation is that you were sold a fake," said Sesshoumaru. "Did you not even think to check the book while you were in the shop?"
"The shop keeper flipped through it for me," said Rin defensively. "I was sure I saw what I needed there. It certainly didn't look blank."
Sesshoumaru considered this a moment. Then he moved, forcing Rin to abandon her comfortable position.
"We should go to the shop," he said, picking up his discarded underwear. "And I certainly hope that your sister and her husband aren't back yet, because I believe most of our clothes are still in the halls."
"And on the stairs," Rin giggled.
"It is not amusing," said Sesshoumaru crossly. "We ought to have had more self-control than that."
"Oh, come on," said Rin. "It was fun." And she gave him a peck on the cheek as she passed him on her way to her drawer to at least obtain some underwear before she left the room.
Sesshoumaru caught her hand and when she looked at him, she found herself caught in an intense gaze. "I hope that you don't think of this as something that ends in 'fun,'" he remarked. His tone was light but there was an underlying strength in it. "I don't mean to let you go again."
"Neither do I," smiled Rin, and when she pressed her body flush against his and tilted her head up to him, the kiss they shared was devoid of lust and desperation, filled instead with something deeper and stronger.
They pulled away and resumed their task hunting for their clothes.
"It doesn't sound like they're back," said Rin, and she ran out into the hallway in her underwear to retrieve their carelessly discarded clothes.
They dressed and left the house in minutes, and were back at the pawn shop not long after that.
"This book," said Sesshoumaru, slamming it down on the counter, "is blank."
The pawnshop owner blinked and stared. "What? That cannot be right. This was a very valuable sp- tome! Its contents would not be erased unless rendered invalid by-"
He broke off and his eyes slid past Sesshoumaru to Rin. Narrowing his eyes, he gave a flick of his finger and a bolt of lighting seemed to fall from the ceiling. Rin, directly in the path of the strike, collapsed in its wake.
