Chapter Eleven
When Ianto was once again aware of his surroundings, he was back in the Hub, lying on a cold autopsy table. Having been there before, he didn't panic, especially since he could feel Jack in his mind, a steady presence trying to reassure him that he was going to be okay. Ianto would have believed him, if it weren't for Jack's own confusion and fear.
He laid still with his eyes closed for a moment, listening to the conversation nearby. He must have fallen asleep in the SUV, for it sounded as if he'd been back long enough for Owen to run tests; he wondered how he'd got back into the Hub if he'd been out like a light.
"I can't explain it, Jack," said the doctor quietly, somewhere to his right. "His brain is lit up compared to what I've got on file—there are notable differences in his amygdala, hippocampus, and frontal lobes."
"Which means what?" Jack asked.
"Multiple personalities?" Owen suggested dryly. "Only he doesn't have any symptoms, and there's no medical evidence that alters present with their own brain wave patterns anyway. I'd suggest alien possession but again—there's no other signs or symptoms." There was a pause. "Although it might explain the stopwatch fetish."
Thankfully Jack ignored him. "What else could it be?"
Owen blew out a breath. "He had a touch of PTSD last year, and if I didn't know any better, I'd say it's worsened quickly and dramatically. He said he remembered something—is it something traumatic he might have repressed? Something that was triggered by the balloon?"
Jack sighed. "No, not repressed…something that happened but didn't really happen. Bit like our reset after John Hart left. We were right there at the Rift opening when it happened, so we remember everything. No one else remembers anything."
"You're saying there was a time reset that none of us remember except you and now Ianto?"
"Yes."
"Bullshit."
"It happened while I was gone. You were probably in the Himalayas, but you wouldn't have noticed it anyway."
So that was when the paradox had ended and time reset, when Ianto had felt that strange shift in reality after the avalanche. Which meant everything he'd seen when he'd fallen to his knees had really happened, and everything he'd seen since…Tosh leaving them, Owen's death, the pain and hunger, death and destruction. Harold Saxon really had taken over the world, and no one knew anything about it.
They were lucky.
"How did you find out about this?" Jack asked quietly. "About us?"
"Well, it's not like you two thought to tell us or anything," Owen replied sarcastically. "But Ianto'd had some funny spells, headaches and such, and they always seemed to happen when you were in trouble. When you went back to 1941, when you faced Abaddon, when you were lying dead in the morgue. I chalked it up to some sort of stupid tech accident knowing this place. Never thought it could be a soulmate bond."
Ianto imagined Jack smiling, because the tone of his voice softened. "I never thought I'd have one, given how long I've been around. And I never dreamed it was with someone right here in Cardiff, someone I'd known for months."
"How did you figure it out? Given the rather unusual circumstances of Ianto's early tenure here." Owen was no doubt making a face; he never tried to hide his resentment over Lisa.
"I had a few suspicions that night, but didn't realize it was really Ianto until we came back from the Beacons. And boy, was he unhappy about it." Jack laughed softly, and Ianto smiled to himself, remembering that night and how angry, yet confused, he had been.
"I can only guess it had something to do with shooting his girlfriend," Owen drawled. "Never mind you being his boss and the biggest flirt this side of London."
"Points for all three, probably," Jack replied. "I didn't push it, though. He was upset, so I gave him space. Then we…well, let's just say we had a bit of an adventure that night at the Ferret. I think he changed his mind, but that's when he told me about the blackouts, and I knew it couldn't work. It would put him in too much danger."
"This job puts us in danger, Jack."
"Not to the point of blacking out in the middle of a Weevil chase," Jack pointed out. "We agreed to not pursue it. We pursued other things, but blocked the bond."
"Yeah, I don't need to know about those other things, but how do you block an animoré bond? I've never heard of such a thing."
"It's something I learned in my time, where I'm from. To protect ourselves from trauma, I suppose. Or for privacy, perhaps. In the future, soulmate pairs still bond for life, but often form other relationships as well."
There was a moment of silence. "I don't think Ianto's the type to go for that sort of thing, you know."
Ianto almost sat up in astonishment at Owen's insight alone. He wasn't surprised that Jack came from a more open time; it certainly explained a lot about his general attitude toward sex and relationships. Yet he hadn't considered the possibility that even with an animoré bond, open relationships with others were accepted by some. Owen was absolutely right that Ianto did not understand the concept nor want to practice such a thing, but he wondered if he could ask Jack to change so fundamental a belief. Then again, his own sense of loyalty and commitment had been bred into him, and he wasn't sure he could comprise his own beliefs either.
"I know," Jack said. "I'm not stupid, nor am I as loose as I look. I do understand things like monogamy and commitment."
"And is that what you want with Ianto now?"
"Yes, although I'm not sure why I'm talking about this with you and not him?"
Ianto pictured Owen shrugging. "I'm just trying to get some background for whatever might be going on here. Ianto said the bond broke the moment you left. "
"It did," Jack admitted. "And it's one of the most painful things you can imagine. But it returned when I came back to this time."
"When we were in the mountains? Ianto said you died."
"Yes," Jack replied. "And that's when things got a little weird."
"Did you block it when you came back to life? Using whatever futuristic technique you learned from your sex ed teacher?
Jack chuckled. "It wasn't my sex ed teacher, and no, it wasn't blocked. In fact, over time it grew stronger. I couldn't…I wasn't able to block it. Or maybe I could have, but I didn't want to. I needed it. I worried about Ianto, but he seemed all right. I don't think my deaths affected him as much. He was always there for me."
"He asked me about taking medication for the blackouts," Owen told him. "Not sure how he came up with that, unless it's something he remembered doing in the time you were gone that no one else remembers."
"Maybe he did," Jack replied. "That would explain some things, like how he stayed so strong and focused. I don't know how I would have survived without him." Jack sounded sad.
"You're connected by a strong bond, and an unusual one at that because you can die and he can feel it," said Owen after a moment. "Maybe it's no surprise then that he's remembering things he shouldn't remember. You remember them, so it could be triggering something through the bond that's causing him to remember as well."
Ianto frowned. It made sense, in an abstract way. Then again, none of them had any frame of reference for such a thing; it was nothing but a working theory. Jack had said something about being connected to the Time Vortex, whatever that was; perhaps that was a part of it as well.
"What do we do?" asked Jack. "He's having flashbacks, and he's obviously in pain. Will he always be like this?"
"I don't know," Owen replied, sounding frustrated. "Usually repressed memories are assimilated with intensive therapy, maybe drugs, but these aren't really repressed memories. They happened and then, what? They unhappened?"
"Something like that," Jack replied.
"So there's a wonky time element that could mess things up if one set of memories tries to override the other set." He paused. "Because both sets of memories technically happened or are happening at the same time, so it's possible they can't coexist within his brain, and it simply shuts down."
"Shuts down?" Jack asked, sounding alarmed.
"It's either that or it goes haywire—he keeps having flashbacks, essentially living in two times until he can't function rationally," Owen replied. "I'm out of my league, here, Jack. I'm not a trained neurologist, and you throw in the added bonus of time shifts and soulmate bonds, and I can only guess at this. It might help if I knew more about this reset."
Ianto again resisted the urge to sit up, but listened carefully from his bed. It was relatively comfortable, and though his head wasn't as sore as it had been earlier, he wasn't in any hurry to move. He could lay quietly with his eyes closed and try to make sense of what was happening on his own.
"When I left with the Doctor, we traveled to another time, where we met one of the Doctor's old enemies. This man came back to Earth and created a sustained, living paradox—"
"See, you've lost me already!" Owen interrupted. "What the hell does that even mean? A living paradox?"
Jack blew out a long breath. "He created a machine that allowed a paradox to form and continue existing without canceling itself out—think of the grandfather paradox. You go back and kill your grandfather, only that means you were never born so you can't go back and kill your grandfather. It's a paradox, and it can't really happen because time corrects itself. This man created a machine that allowed him to go back and, in effect, kill his grandfather, but it sustained the original timeline so everything continued as if he hadn't. Only he did it on a global scale."
There was silence. Ianto tried to piece together his memories with what Jack was telling Owen. Obviously the man he was talking about was Harold Saxon, the Master. He'd built a machine which allowed him to create the paradox that enabled his takeover of the planet. Ianto suspected it had something to do with the Toclafane. It must. But how?
"All right," said Owen. "I get the basic Star Trek reference, but what happened after that?"
"The paradox allowed this man to do terrible things, until one year later we finally managed to destroy the machine he'd created to keep it all in place. And then time reset to the point where he'd first activated it. It was like none of it had ever happened."
"We don't remember this year because it reset, but you still do?" Owen asked. "Why? Something to do with your special ability?"
"No," said Jack. "It's because I was there at the heart of it. I destroyed the machine. Everyone who was there at the moment that time reset remembers, including me."
"And Ianto," said Owen. "But he wasn't there, was he?"
"He wasn't," Jack replied. "Like I said, I think it happened while you were in the Himalayas."
"Is there a connection?" asked Owen. "I never did understand why we went on that damn goose chase."
"It got you out of the way," Jack replied, sounding weary. "So that when the paradox started, you couldn't fight back against it."
"Brilliant," Owen muttered. "All right. No one remembers this year, but are the memories actually there inside our brains? Could there be other people be having the same issue as Ianto with memories breaking through?"
Ianto imagined Jack giving a helpless shrug based on the tone of his voice. "I really don't know, Owen. I doubt it, though. I think time snapped back and erased the entire year from existence. No one should remember except those of us right there when it happened."
"So…" Owen was clearly trying to figure it out. "You remember something that didn't happen from the universe's point of view, because you still experienced it even if didn't happen. And now Ianto remembers as well."
"Yes. I don't know why, but what do we do about it?"
"Hell if I know," Owen sighed. "Wait and see, I guess. Maybe he just needs time to process the memories and work them into his psyche somehow. Does he know what happened during this paradox year? Because if he doesn't, it's going to be harder. Too much confusion may muddle his brain even more."
There was sadness in Jack's voice when he spoke. "I don't know how much he remembers, or what he understands. We haven't had a chance to talk about it since I got back. I had no idea he was going through this."
"Ah," Owen said, sounding like he understood. "He's been avoiding you, hasn't he?"
"Yes," Jack replied. "And I've tried to talk to him, I want to talk to him, but he hasn't been letting me in. He obviously learned how to block the bond, and remembered, because he's been blocking it since the night I got back."
"He's protecting himself," Owen said. "If he's been remembering things, he's probably confused and wondering what the hell is going on. As soon as he wakes up, I think you need to tie him down and tell him what's going on."
"I'm awake," said Ianto. "And you don't need to tie me down."
He glanced over at the two men. Owen actually appeared somewhat sheepish, while Jack hurried over, looking concerned. Expecting innuendo, he was surprised when Jack took his hand instead. "How are you feeling?"
"Better," Ianto replied. "Head still hurts, but not as bad. What did you give me?"
"The good stuff, just like I promised," said Owen. "Along with an antiemetic. You were sick in the car."
"Oh." Ianto didn't remember anything about the car ride; the pain must have been bad. "Thanks. And sorry. Did someone—"
"Tosh took it to be cleaned and then help Gwen at the scene."
Ianto sighed. "Shit. I shot a balloon. How are they going to cover that up?"
"Don't worry about it," Jack told him. "Not your problem."
"The Weevils?"
"If they're still around, they can run them down, too."
Ianto sighed. "That leaves me and my mental breakdown."
Jack looked pained. "That's not what's happening. You're not going crazy."
"I'm remembering something that didn't actually happen," Ianto pointed out. "Isn't that the definition of crazy?"
"But it did happen," Jack said. "To me."
"But not to me," Ianto replied. "Which means we're back to me remembering something that didn't happen. Crazy."
Jack let go of his hand and tucked his hands into his pockets. "You're not crazy. I think the things that you're remembering did happen to you, but in another timeline."
"The paradox," Ianto replied. "The one you lived for a year."
"Yes," Jack nodded. "What I don't understand is how you're remembering it. You weren't there at the heart of it when it ended and time reset. You shouldn't remember."
Ianto closed his eyes, trying to shut away the nightmarish images. "I'm not sure I want to," he whispered. He felt Jack turn away.
"Owen, can we have some privacy?"
Ianto started to sit up, wondering what Jack wanted to tell him that he needed Owen to leave. The doctor nodded. "Yeah, but the girls could be back soon, and there goes your makeout session. I'd suggest taking teaboy home."
"Really?" Jack asked with a frown. "He shouldn't stay here at the Hub?"
"I'd recommend peace and quiet and rest, and he's not going to get that here," Owen replied with a shrug. "And since you're the only one who remembers this mysterious year, Jack, you need to go through it, figure out why he does too."
"What will you tell Tosh and Gwen?" Ianto asked quietly. He felt strange enough with Owen knowing something was wrong; he didn't want the others to know the details, since Gwen in particular would only badger him with questions.
"I'll tell them I sent you home," Owen said. "And that if you want to tell them anything else, it's your choice."
"Thanks, Owen," Ianto replied, stepping warily onto the floor. He found he was surprisingly stable, and started slowly toward the stairs. "I appreciate it."
"It's not all good," Owen said, stopping him. "You need to stay off field duty until we figure this out, and turn in your weapon."
It was Jack who protested. "I don't see why that's necessary," he started, but Ianto stopped him.
"No, he's right," Ianto said. "I had a flashback in the field that could have killed someone. Until I know it won't happen again, I can't go out there. I can coordinate from here."
Jack sighed. "Fine. When you're up to it. Right now I'm taking you home."
Ianto nodded and followed him upstairs, still moving slowly. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, hot and heavy with all kinds of thoughts and images crashing around his skull. Some made sense, visions of his past; others were nightmares from a life he shouldn't remember but did. A part of him didn't want to learn any more than he already had, but he knew that in order to understand what was happening, he needed to finally talk to Jack about it. He needed to tell him everything, and for Jack to tell him everything in return.
Author's Note:
I know, it's more exposition, but it's also laying some groundwork for where I think this is heading. I am trying to go with the flow and let this develop as I write rather than plan it to death. That is unusual for me, but so many new ideas keep coming to me as the story progresses that I'm trying it out. I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand, when you plan it out, you know what to write toward and can lay the clues; on the other hand, going with how the characters and plot develop over the course of the story does create a feeling of surprise and anticipation. I've said it before, but there are times when I am typing and something literally comes out that I had not thought of until that moment, and that can be exciting. The possibilities I'm glimpsing in this story are exciting if they would only stop coming in bits and pieces so I can be sure it all works! So I retain the right for this to end up a hot mess due to due a bit of experimentation on my part, but hopefully it will turn out far better than I ever hoped. And that's some insight into my writing process, if you are interested!
Also, I have gone over this again and again and must point out that I am neither a medical doctor nor a temporal physicist, so I have done my best. Many thanks to Taamar for helping me think this through, and to everyone still reading!
