A/N: Ok Charlie One Shot yay! I loved writing this it was so much fun. Thanks to Anoy who suggested this! Oh and if you see any spelling mistakes I apologize. Microsoft Word was acting up on this document for some reason and would not spell check certain parts of it. I've re-read it several times and I think I've caught everything but if you spot anything I've missed please let me know!
This is well and truly then end of this story now guys. Thanks again to all of you for your support and kind words. Ok go and enjoy :)
No Words
As Chief of Police I'm used to handling bad news. Granted not as much comes my way as the big city cops but there is still a fair share. Car crashes, robberies gone wrong, I've seen them all before, seen the destruction they leave behind. I've held mother's hands while they cried over a lost child. I've informed children that they are now orphans. I know how to give bad news.
But receiving it is a whole other matter. My life has been fairly simple, fairly pain free. Except of for a whirlwind romance when I was young, I've never really felt the pain of loss. Until one night in La Push when I was sitting around a bonfire next to my oldest friend. When I was informed that my only child had been given a death sentence. That made loosing Renee seem like nothing more than a pinprick.
Bella had looked at me across that fire and I didn't know what to say. That was all right though. Bella and I had a way to communicating and it never really involved words. Looks, a touch to the arm, a warm meal, those were the ways we showed that we loved the other. So I knew she didn't mind that I couldn't speak just then. She would understand.
I couldn't speak for days. The thought that she was going to die, regardless of the fact that she was young and had her whole life ahead of her, killed me. Twenty three year old women shouldn't die that young. Daughters shouldn't die that young. But I tried to be strong for her. I tried to be strong for me.
Jacob wasn't handling it, we could all see that. I didn't know what to say to him, I left that to Billy. Billy had lost his wife; he would know what to say. Slowly Jake got stronger too or was just more able to hide his distress, I wasn't sure. It didn't matter. I saw the way he looked at my daughter and the way she looked at him. I don't think he realized that the reason Bella was so strong was because he was by her side.
We never spoke about it, Bella and I. We never talked about the fact that her body was starting to waste away or that she would never see her thirtieth birthday. I brought her flowers instead and at first she insisted that I should not waste my money on her. I had shaken my head. It was never a waste. It was the only way I could show her I loved her. After the third bunch she must have caught on. She never asked me to stop brining them again.
Sometimes, when Jake was at work, I would just go round to her house and sit with her for hours. Maybe a handful of words would be exchanged before we would sit down on the couch, the television on. We would start out at opposite ends of the sofa but by the time it came for me to leave she would always be curled into my side, my arm around her shoulder. And those shoulders got thinner.
The chemo destroyed her body. Watching her get so weak and so skinny was torture. I couldn't help her; all I had was stupid flowers. Her hand was always cold when it touched mine and that frightened me more than anything else.
I remembered attending the scene of a suicide when I had only been on the police force a few weeks. The boy had been young and I can't remember his name. You would think that I would seeing as how he haunted me to this day, but I just can't. What I do remember is how lifeless his open eyes looked, how white his skin was against the bloody gunshot wound in his temple. How cold his hands were when I touched them. Bella's hands were almost as cold as his now. And it terrified me to no end.
I started to have nightmares. Dreams in which Bella's body was in place of the young boy's with the cold hands. I never told her about it, I didn't want to frighten her. But watching her waste away into nothing made me overly conscious of how little time she had. And then everything had changed.
She got engaged. She became Bella again. She was smiling and happy and full of life. She asked me one rainy afternoon if I would mind walking her down the aisle. I had told her I would with a simple yes, but inside I was over the moon. Jacob was making her seem better; the idea of marrying him was making her seem better. Maybe she would stop seeming to get better and actually get better instead. I couldn't help but to hope.
I remember ducking into that white tent and finding her inside with the biggest smile on her face. Her hair was thin but it still shone, her skin was pale but appeared to glow. Her eyes danced when she walked toward me in her white dress. Her hands were still cool but not as cold, or so it appeared to me. She was beautiful. Hope thrummed in my veins. Maybe, just maybe, Jacob could save her. If marrying him, being with him, produced this kind of an effect on her I didn't mind that it wasn't me saving her. So long as someone did. And if it was going to be anyone it would be Jake.
I walked her down the aisle on first beach in La Push. I placed her hand in his large one, watching his dark fingers thread through hers. Jacob was smiling too, the stress and weight of this disease was not evident in him just now. Not on this day. I squeezed their hands. He promised me with a nod he would look after her. I hoped that meant he could save her too, even though deep down I think knew it was futile. I couldn't help it. She was my only child, I had to hope.
They left for their honeymoon two days later. Billy and I had been able to scrap together just enough money to send them to California. I knew Bella would like that, being somewhere warm and sunny. But as the days went by with only a few quick phone calls my hope I had felt at the wedding started to ebb.
It was the mail that set it off. I was heading out to work when I went to the letter box and shuffled through the bills with angry red stamps on them. I had put off paying them for awhile I needed the money for the honeymoon and Bella's treatments. Under the stack of bills and the odd catalogue there was a shiny brochure. It was for a funeral home. I dropped it like it had burnt me.
I didn't go into work that day; instead I took my first sick day in years and sat on the couch making my way through every beer I could find in the house. When I ran out of beer I dug out the dusty bottle of whiskey I had gotten from Billy over a decade ago but had never touched. The television was on but I didn't see it. All I could think of was that I needed to do that, sort of a funeral. I needed to arrange a funeral for my daughter. Did I talk to her about it? Ask her what she wanted? The whole thing seemed too morbid to me. I couldn't discuss what color flowers Bella wanted with her. Or what type of wood she would want for her casket. The mental image of Bella in a coffin did me in. I shoved my whiskey on the coffee table and rubbed the back of my hand over stinging eyes. I think the hope died in me that day.
Bella and Jake came back from their honeymoon two days later and they were still smiling, still happy. I tried my best to pretend. But every time I saw her I kept thinking of her in that coffin, her hands icy. But I smiled and sat next to her at dinner. I laughed with them and spoke when I could. My eyes would fall to Jake a lot now.
Losing a child would be hard, I knew this. I had seen it tear families apart before in my line of work. I wanted nothing more than as much time as possible for Bella. But Bella was strong and determined. She was always stubborn and she had decided to not be scared of her cancer. But Jake was afraid. I didn't know how I would handle it when Bella finally passed but I knew how Jake would.
It would be bad, he was so hopelessly in love with her, so adamant that something would come up and help her. He couldn't accept that nothing would. And clinging to the false hope that something would come up in time to save her would do nothing but hurt him more when she finally did go. Because she was going to die, I had no doubt about that.
But she was getting better and I could understand why Jake was so hopeful. She had gained a little bit more weight and did not sleep through out the day, but I didn't let it fool me. I had read countless websites about chronic lymphoid leukemia and I knew there was no cure. And this wasn't some fairy tale, there would not be a magical drug that would come out in time to save her. No I just wanted her to have as much time as pain free as possible. It scared me a little that that's what my hopes and dreams for my daughter had wittled down to. That she could stay strong enough to walk across a room or feed herself. I hoped that nothing major would come up to make Bella worse.
So you can understand why I was so angry when Jake and Bella were sitting on my couch not a month after they were married to tell me that Bella was pregnant. I rememebered Renee when she was pregnant. She had been throwing up everywhere and slept for hours on end. When she was awake she would switch from sobbing into my shirt to screaming at me for leaving the toilet seat up in a heartbeat. Bella couldn't go through that, not now.
I was certain they thought I was angry at them for the fact that Bella was pregnant, but it was more because of the conformation that she would loose more time. I didn't want a grandchild from Bella only to have her die before she even got the chance to hold it. Bella was my child and I wanted to protect her but the way she looked at me with such determiation in her eyes I knew nothing I would say would change her mind. So I relucantly gave them my blessing. After they left I bit the bullet and started reseaching funeral homes online.
Over the next few months the Bellaness practally flowed out of my daughter with every passing day. Her eyes no longer defined her pretty face, her sharp cheekbones did. Her body swelled with pregnancy but her arms and legs were like twigs. Her skin went from china doll poerclin to sickly pale. But what really did me in was the loss of her hair. It was the only part of me that you could see on Bella and now it was gone. I played it cool when I first saw her with no hair, stayed strong for her because I knew it was what she needed from me. But when I drove back from La Push I was forced onto the side of the road because I couldn't see. The whole world had turned blurry.
She got put on bedrest and I visited her everyday, always with flowers in hand. I had to let her know that I loved her. She had so little time left, I had to make certain she knew. She would always smile at me when I arrived and hold my hand while the other would flutter over her belly. I walked into her room once to find her holding a single flower from the most recent bunch I had brought her, inhaling deeply, with tears on her face. Even though she was crying it made me smile. I knew that she knew what I was trying to say.
I knew I shouldn't have been drinking that day but I needed to let go just once. Billy and I had sat in Emily's kicthen drinking beer after beer and giggling like school boys while we stole cake from behind Emily's back. Bells and Jake had arrived just after nightfall and Sam's party had got into full swing around the bonfire. It felt good to let go off all the stress and worry of the last two years. Billy must of felt so too because he hugged me from his wheelchair and told me he thought my moustache was sexy. Jake was sitting next to me and he had practictally choked on his food when he heard that. I just laughed.
But at the sound of a agonised gasp I had sobered up at a rapid rate. Bella's face was a twist of pain, her eyes panicked. I only mangaed to get to my feet but somehow Jake had already scopped her up and ran her toward his car. She caught my eyes as Jake sprinted her past me and I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. She looked so scared, so vunerable. I wanted to reach out and touch her but before I could even take a step in her direction she was gone.
Sam had grabbed me, pulled me toward the cruiser. I pushed the keys into his hands, there was no way I could drive. I kept craning my neck backwards trying to see her but it was too dark and Jake's headlights were too bright. All I could think was that this was it, she was going to die tonight. And I wasn't ready. Why didn't I say the words instead of bringing her flowers? Flowers were not enough to tell your daughter that you cared for her, loved her. I cursed my akward nature bitterly.
Seeing her her in Jake's arms at the hospital's emergency bay just about brought me to my knees. I thought she was dead already. She didn't move, her eyes were closed and her blood stained her limbs a horrid bright red. I wanted to scream and shout and push my way to her but I couldn't. My feet wouldn't move and my ears buzzed loudly. I was going to vomit or pass out, I wasn't sure which.
They took her away on a gurney and slowly my feet came back to life. I tried to follow her but she got lost into the sea of doctors and patients. I grabbed ahold of the cool walls, sinking into a hard plastic seat. Why hadnt I spoken to her? Why did I spend my lat day with her drinking with Billy instead? Even though I had prepared for this I felt numb inside and at the same time I felt sick. The ringing in my ears would not stop. I sat there for what felt like hours until Sam arrived, pulling me to my feet. He all but dragged me down a hallway and I let him. My daughter was dead, I was certain. I didn't care where I went. Something inside me was screaming but it never reached the surface, never pushed past my lips.
I was shoved into a small box of a waiting room. Embry was there and he told me my daughter wasn't gone, not yet. The hope I thought was dead flared back to life in my chest. Jake wasn't talking, his hands were still covered in blood. I turned from him. I couldn't sit still and so I had paced that small room over and over. She was alive, she had to stay alive. I had a second chance, I had to tell her what she meant to me.
The nurse who is always there for Bella's treatments came in and when she said that Bella was stable my heart just about leapt out of my chest. I had time now, I had been given my second chance. She lead us away, Jake and I, took me to see my first grandchild. I had never really allowed myself to think much on the fact that I was going to become a grandfather. My focus had been on Bella, not the child she was carrying. But meeting Sarah for the first time changed that instantly.
She was a tiny thing all wrapped up in pink. And she was beautiful, just like Bella was when I first held her all those years ago. Jacob passed her to me with inexperienced hands and I was surprised at how easily I fell back into the habbit of holding a baby. I looked down at the little bundle in my arms and all I could think was that my daughter had a daughter.
She was almost an exact cardboard cut out of Jacob but that didn't bother me. I knew Bella would be in there too, after all Bella looked exactly like Renee but her personality and the way she thought was all me. Sarah may look like Jake but looking down at her little face I was certain she would be just like Bella on the inside. Just like me.
The nurse took us away, lead us into another tiny room where Bella lay. I felt bile rise in the back of my throat looking at her in that bed, hooked up to a million machines. But still she smiled, tried to reassure me that she was all right. I opened my mouth to tell her what I had despratley prayed for the time to but the words got caught in my throat. I couldn't say it. It felt llike I would be telling her goodbye. I mumbled some excuse about Renee to get out of the room.
I knew she needed me but I couldn't go back there. I was a coward, I couldn't face her. I made my way down the the emergency bay where my cruiser was still parked, lights flashing and doors open. The keys were still in the ignition and ignoring the fact that I was under the infulence I stepped on the gas and floored it out of there. When I got home from the hospital I sank down onto my recliner and cried for an hour.
I couldn't deny the fact that Sarah brought joy to Bella's life. And as she grew I saw what I had suspected in the hospital. Sarah was just like Bella. I fell in love with that little girl, thankful that a part of Bella would be left behind after she was gone. Sarah could do anything and I would still love her. She pulled on my moutsache and poked curious fingers into my eyes. It didn't matter, she was a miricale. I loved her unconditionally like I did my daughter.
Bella never got better though after the birth. She got sicker and sicker and though I saw her almost evey day I still could not summon the courage to talk to her. I couldn't understand it. I faced danger almost every day on the police force. I was trained to deal with lunatics and death threats. But I could not bring myself to tell Bella I loved her. I didn't want her to think I had given up, that I was saying goodbye. That all hope was gone even though in reality it was.
Watching her at Sarah's first birthday party was hard. She couldn't walk now, not really. The physical pain she was in kept me up at night. I was scared to sleep, terrifed I'd be woken by the phone rining to say that she was gone and I hadnt been there. I went around to her place the day after the party, the morphine drip already in her arm.
Jacob looked like a broken man. I sat across the bed from him and held her cold hand. I had to do something, say something. I couldn't stay scared like this. Jacob was like a son to me and I loved him as much as I loved Bella. I swallowed hard and ran my fingers over Bella's smooth skull. I told him I was glad Bella had chosen him over Cullen, that he had fixed her, loved her. As soon as I had I felt guilty. Why could I say thease things to Jake but not to her? I was starting to despised myself for being so terrified of her. I couldn't help but to wonder if she hated me too.
I didn't sleep for three days after that. I was actully sent home from work by my colleagues. They knew what was going on, I could see the pity in their eyes. I wandered around my house by myself, ignoring the constant ringing of the phone that could only be Billy. I didn't want to answer the phone. If I did then it would only be to tell me that Bella was gone and I couldn't face that just yet. I wandered from room to room and I kept thinking of all the times Bella had cooked for me in my kitchen or had curled up on the floor to do her homework while I watched the game. I felt empty inside, I felt alone inside. I felt like I was failing her and I hated myself for it.
I panicked when I finally answered the phone and got the call I had been dreading. It was Billy and all he said was my name and I knew. She was going. I don't remember hanging up the phone or jumping into my car but the next second, or so it felt, I was racing toward La Push my heart beat thrumming in my ears. I sped all the way there, some small part of me thankful that the day was sunny and dry. If it hadnt of been I would of crashed for sure. All I could think was not yet, not before I get there. I have to say goodbye.
I pushed my way into the house, not bothering to knock. There were people everywhere but I didn't see them. They were not important to me. I made my way up the familiar hallway to her bedroom. Jake was standing outside with a far away look on his face. I don't think he saw me anymore than I saw the other people around us. Sarah turned to look at me from his arms and her eyes, so like Bella's, made me feel like I was on fire. I didn't say anything to Jake, I didn't reach out to Sarah, I just wrapped my hand around the handle of the door and burst into her room. Please don't be gone yet.
Her eyes were closed and for a horrible moment I feared I was too late. My eyes heated as I stepped toward her. My heart felt like it had been shocked when she opened her eyes, my breth rushing out of my lungs. And she smiled at me, reaching out a hand. I sat on the side of the bed but I didn't take her fingers in mine.
Her breath rattled in her lungs. I recongised it instantly I had heard it before from victims smeared across the highway. They called it the death rattle. My eyes stung and I couldn't stop the tears that fell from them. Her eyes were shining, her face fushed. She almost looked healthy by some cruel trick. She reached out again and I steeled myself and took her hand. I almost dropped it with shock. She was warm. For the first time in years Bella was warm.
With sudden clairty I relaised that Bella wasn't the boy with the cold hands. She was Bella, my Bella and she felt warm. It didn't matter that it was the trick of a fever, at long last Bella's hands were warm again. I took some small solace in that. I forced myself to look into her eyes.
I could see her as she was when she was little, clinigng to my knees. When she laughed so hard at the dinner table that milk came out of her nose. The way she folded herself into me onto the couch, resting her head on my shoulder. How she laughed on the phone when Jake would call her and her cheeks would be stained ever rosy. She reached up and with wonderfully warm fingertips she brushed a tear away from my face.
She was still smiling at me, still trying to assure me that everything would be ok without words. She always did that, tried to look after me. Her fingers squeezed mine and she nodded at me. The fear that had been my constant compaianion for almost three years left me. How had I been so stupid? Bella knew me, she knew how hard it was for me to say things. And with that little nod, her eyes full of love, I knew she didn't care. She didn't care that I couldn't say the words because I had never needed too. Not with Bella, my daughter, who was so like me in so many ways. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.
I leant forward on the bed and kissed the top of her head. I heard her breath catch in her throat and slim arms wound their way around my waist, squeezing hard. I scooped her up and held her to my chest. Bella, I love you, I thought. And I knew she knew it. I knew she loved me too. I let her go with reluctance, setting her down softly on the white pillows. We had always had our own way of communicating. I realized now that it was not a fault, but an asset. It was special thing between Bella and I, something unique and one of a kind.
We looked at each other for what felt like an indeterminable amount of time. We didn't say anything, we didn't need to. We had never needed words to tell the other how we felt. So I said nothing, and neither did she. I could see eveyrhting she felt for me in her eyes and I knew she could see the same in mine. It was the perfect way to say goodbye to each other.
It was our way.
