A/N: I know, I said I might take a break. I apparently lied, or something. Thanks to those of you (RedHeadedTemptress, LesbianTVLover, OnlyNaomily) who sent me PM's asking me if I was ok... and also to mynameislizzie for telling me not to take a break (we're almost even on that one, no?). Sometimes I just get into a dark funk and mope for a bit. I didn't feel up to completing the update I have started for Awakening, but I did write the bulk of this chapter as some form of catharsis for feeling like total shit, instead. Have no fear, the update for Awakening will be done in good time, it's all planned out, I just have to unleash the chains from around the smutty part of my mind and write it. A few more days, maybe, but I make no promises. It's very touching, though, to know that so many of you appreciate what I write for what it is, be it the angsty, or the smutty, even if you don't have the courage to review. Anytime any of you want to message me, feel free, either on here, or give me a shout on twitter (garden_naoms).

This chapter contains an Angst Warning™. I say this, because I wrote most of it in tears, but then I'm a huge softie and my emotions tend to fracture easily. This is one of those stories where I have to be in that angsty state of mind to write it, so... That's why the updates are few and far between. I know it must be frustrating for those of you who are on the edge with wanting to know what happens next, but trust me, it's good there are so few updates for it, more so than when I started it, because it's a sign I'm mentally in a much better place. Sometimes there is no explanation for me getting all angsty, sometimes it's a monthly thing, sometimes I think no one cares, and sometimes I'm too stubborn to even admit why. But, I think we can all be that way, no?

On with the show, then...

Disclaimer: I do not own skins. I found my tie-dye kit today. My guitar hero controller, though, I have not yet located... :-/ All your typos are belong to us.


(Naomi POV)

The rain is soaking into my jacket. I normally hate it when the rain soaks into my jacket, but at this moment I don't have the will to care about it so much. Or much of anything else, really. My mum's old battered umbrella is barely keeping me dry, what with the material having come apart from one of its spokes, the rain incessantly dripping onto my shoulder. God knows why I brought the damn thing with me, but Emily told me I might catch a chill if I didn't, and she didn't want me to get sick.

But, Christ knows I already feel sick inside, so why not outside, too? Every time I think I'm clawing my way out of this grief, it snaps at my heels, and pulls me back in until I feel like I am drowning in it again. It's beyond me as to why Emily sticks around so much, I feel completely useless right now, and I don't think I'm good for myself, let alone her as well. I don't know why she even came with me, because I told her in the end that she didn't have to if she didn't want to... I might have preferred it if she didn't, actually, but... Well, there's no use arguing with Emily's determination, so...

I should mention where I am, shouldn't I?

Avonview Cemetery. You see, I'd received a phone call the day before, from the caretaker there.

"Good morning, am I speaking with Miss Naomi Campbell?" The pleasant, respectful tone of the female voice asked.

"Yes, that's correct." I replied.

"Good morning. My name is Janet Morwell, and I am the caretaker in charge at the Avonview Cemetery. I hope I haven't caught you at a bad time?"

"Uh... No, not at all."

"I am calling regarding the plot for your mother, Gina Campbell?"

"Mmhmm."

"I would like to extend my sympathies to you for your loss, and am calling to advise that the headstone you ordered has been placed as per the final specifications." Janet said.

"Oh, I see." I said.

"You can of course come down at any time that is suitable for you for a viewing, during the cemetery's open hours." Janet replied.

"Erm...are you open on the weekend?" I asked. Probably a stupid question... "Sorry, I've never..."

"It's quite alright, Miss Campbell. We do get these questions often. Yes, the cemetery is open from 6am to 6pm every day, so anytime between those hours would be fine."

"I see, thank you. And if there are any problems?"

"If there are any queries, please do not hesitate to contact our office, and we will be able to discuss the matter with you, should the need arise."

"Right. Well, thank you for the phone call."

"You are welcome, Miss Campbell. And once again, our deepest sympathies."

"Thank you, it's much appreciated." I said, ending the call.

"Who was that?" Emily asked, as I placed my mobile back on the table.

"Uhm... A woman from the cemetery." I said, quietly. "They've placed mum's headstone."

"Oh, I see." Emily said, taking my hand and squeezing it gently.

"Are you busy tomorrow? I asked. "I need to go and view it... Make sure it's all in order."

"Would you like me to-"

"Please?" I asked, cutting her off. "You don't have to, but... I'm not sure I can do it alone."

"Of course I will, Naoms."

So, she's standing here with me now. Right next to me, as the rain drips in its steady pitter-patter on the umbrella above my head, and slides in steady drips off the nylon, soaking into my already damp jacket. I'm staring at the inscription on the black granite headstone, that reads "GINA CAMPBELL. ACTIVIST, MOTHER, FRIEND."

"It's so unreal, Ems." I whispered, as her hand gently gripped mine, her thumb tracing over mine.

"I know." She replied, as I felt tears stinging my eyes.

"I... I know she's gone, but..." I said. "Sometimes I just can't believe it's real. Like I'm going to see her... in the kitchen... making tea."

"Yeah."

I gave a long sniffle, and a tissue appeared in front of me, via a small hand. I took it and dabbed at the tears that were now sliding down my cheeks, blowing my nose as well. I hate crying. I'm not particularly sure there's anyone that actually likes crying. I know they say that doing it sometimes makes you feel better, but I think that might refer to having an injury or something, but not when it comes to grief after death.

We stood there for a while longer, I couldn't really tell how long, time just... didn't seem to matter right now. I'm guessing there's no time limit on standing in a cemetery at the grave of a loved one, so long as you're not there past the time the gates close, I guess the grounds staff don't bother the mourners. And that's what I was, now. A cruel twist of fate, wrong place, wrong time, and I was now technically an orphan, I suppose, seeing as I didn't know what became of my dad. I'd ended up essentially alone in the world, at least... that's how I felt, in my self-centred, depressed state of mind.

"Are you alright?" Emily asked gently.

I shook my head. "I can't answer that, Ems." I said, shakily, as I turned toward her. She looked up at me, and her eyebrows furrowed as she took in my own distraught expression. Emily pulled me towards her and held me, as I wept against her shoulder.


(Later that afternoon)

The rain has finally stopped. I'm sitting in the backyard, alone. Emily had to go help Katie with something or other, and after she made me promise her black and blue that I would be ok, she said she would come straight back after she had seen Katie. As soon as she left, I went for a long walk. My jacket was still damp from the rain, and there was a cold wind, but that didn't bother me. Neither did the rain that still fell when I left the house without the umbrella, my boots trudging over the wet pavement. Nothing could make me feel as cold as I felt inside, so I walked for what felt like hours, just trying to... I'm not even sure, was I trying to stay afloat? Trying not to think? To let this horrid sense of hopelessness swallow me whole? In the end, it didn't matter what I was trying to think, I still ended up standing in front of an off-licence shelf, staring at a bottle of cheap vodka.

I'd stopped drinking heavily, probably around the same time I met Jules. It had been a long time since I'd spoken to her in depth about much of anything, like I had done when we were together. It had been a few weeks since I'd spoken to her at all, actually. Now that Emily was a part of my life again, I felt more comfortable leaning on her than I did my ex-girlfriend, who was never quite the same as Emily anyway. That's not fair to her, really, but it's the truth. She had forced me to deal with my feelings, rather than ignoring them and numbing them with drink. She gave me other ways to cope. But that was before everything had turned to complete shit, before we decided to break up, I lost my job, and then my mother in quick succession.

So, I ended up walking home, a litre bottle of vodka in a paper bag, and a packet of cigarettes in my jacket pocket. I'd almost managed to quit smoking, apart from the odd one now and then when I got extremely stressed out and depressed. Usually I bummed one off Effy whenever she dropped round. Emily had helped me to deal with most things, either by listening to me, or just holding me while I cried, or felt mopey. She stuck around a lot, and spent just about every other night with me lately.

I'm not blaming her for her absence now, on this day, when I'd had that final visual reminder that my mother was a rotting corpse in the ground. I don't even think I'm blaming Katie. Maybe I was blaming the universe, who knows. I lost the ability to coherently think about it, after about four or five large double vodkas, and was dejectedly watching the sun set on another day, feeling blank as the intoxication washed over me. I leaned my head against the wall, closing my eyes, feeling the tears drip down my cheeks as the cigarette between my fingers slowly burned down to the filter. I was in so much pain. I blanked out everything, until I heard a soft voice speaking.

"You're drinking?" The husky tone asked, warily.

"I'm allowed. I'm over eighteen." I half-slurred.

"Naomi..."

"Don't, Emily. Please." I said. "I can't. I can't... deal with it. Too much. Too real."

I felt Emily sit beside me. "You want me to leave?"

I shook my head. "Stay...please..." I whispered. "I...probably shouldn't be alone."

"Alright...I'll stay." She said, taking the burnt out cigarette from between my fingers, and placing it into the ashtray. She took my hand, then, squeezing it tightly in her own.

I drained the vodka out of the glass, and Emily took it from my fingers before it slipped, and I leaned my head back against the wall, sniffling. "I don't know what to do, Ems. I shouldn't have gone..." I paused. "It was the wrong thing to do..."

"Naomi, if you hadn't gone, you would have regretted it. You know that."

I shook my head again. "Not to the cemetery, Emily. I mean to London. I shouldn't have gone. I don't know how you can forgive me, when I can't forgive myself." I said. "I'm an awful person."

"Naoms, you're-"

"I am, Emily." I said, bluntly. "I ran away from you because I was too much of a stubborn cunt to admit that I loved you. Really loved you. I was too stubborn to come back here, because it would have hurt too much to run into you. I would have felt that pain all over again, and I was so stubborn that I didn't want to. I couldn't." I stopped to wipe the tears from my eyes. "And Gina... She'd asked me to come back... For Christmas, Easter, semester breaks... And every time I gave her some bollocks excuse about how I was too busy, or it wasn't a good time..." I reached for the vodka bottle and took a long swig, wincing as the alcohol burned my throat. "And now... Christ, I was such an idiot, Ems." I muttered. "No matter how stubborn I was, she always loved me. Now, it's too bloody late. I've lost her. She's not coming back. I'll never hear her stupid cheery wisdom again, and I feel like I've only got myself to blame."

Emily took the bottle from my hand before I dropped it, as I leaned forward and put my head in my hands. "She understood, you know?" She said.

"W-what?"

"Gina... She understood you not coming back for holidays and such. She wasn't too happy about it, but she knew you well enough to respect your decision, even if you didn't say why. She wasn't blind... She knew how you felt about me, Naoms, and she knew how hard it was for you to leave. I told her that I'd always hoped you would come back one day... We talked a lot, remember?" I nodded. "I won't lie to you, Naomi... It disappointed her a lot that you never came back. But she understood it. She knew why. She didn't like it much, but she knew not to push it."

I sighed deeply, as Emily rubbed my back slowly. "You couldn't put that anymore delicately, could you?" I muttered.

"No, sorry." Emily said softly. "Sometimes the truth is blunt and there's no way to soften it."

"Just my luck." I said, wryly. I sighed, and straightened up, feeling my head spin as Emily pulled my into her arms and hugged me close to her. "Oh, what do I do now, Ems? How do I go on?"

"That's up to you, baby." She replied. "You've been back a while, now... Are you going to stay, or go back to London?"

"I don't think I can go back." I said. "Jules still has all my stuff, though."

"Have you even spoken to her, lately?"

I shook my head. "I've missed some of her calls... I've blown her off with some texts... Just told her it wasn't a good time, and all."

Emily leaned her head on my shoulder. "Maybe it's time you called her and had that conversation."

I nodded. "Yeah, maybe. Not now, though... I'm a bit drunk."

"Yeah, you are. How about you come inside, before it gets too dark? I don't want you tripping over anything, you might hurt yourself."

I half-smiled, sort of lazily. "My Emily... Always thinking of me." I breathed. "Mmkay."

We stood up, and I stumbled slightly as the blood rushed from my head to my feet. "Careful, babe. Here..." Emily said, throwing my arm over her shoulder and helping me inside.


I waited another day, before I called Jules. I didn't think it was wise when I was grumpy, hungover, and a bit cranky. Emily stayed with me again, and at times I thought it was only to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. I could see her point, when I caught myself looking in the mirror wondering what the point to it all was. But then, it wouldn't have been the first time in these past weeks that I'd felt like doing something totally stupid. Self harm wasn't my thing, but feeling suicidal... Yeah, I'd worn that t-shirt a few times in the first couple of years after I'd left Bristol.

I knew Jules had Mondays off, and Emily also had that Monday off, the day I'd decided to call. Emily did give me some privacy, opting to do the dishes that had been sat in the sink for a few days, as I retreated to the backyard, my mobile in one hand and my pack of cigarettes in the other. I don't know why my hands were shaking as I dialed Jules' number, but nevertheless, they were.

"Naomi? Hey sweetie, how have you been?" She said, as she answered the call.

"Hey, Jules. I've been... Well, I've been." I said, not knowing how to put my emotions into actual words. "How are you?"

"I'm good... I've missed you."

"I know. I'm sorry I haven't called, I've just... Well, I've not been in the best place."

"I'm aware of that, babe. How are things in Bristol? And when are you coming back to London? Everyone misses you!"

I sighed. "That's what I'm calling about, Jules."

"Oh..." She replied, and in could hear the worry in her voice.

"Uhm... I was looking at coming down this weekend..." I said, pausing. "But, uh..."

"Naoms, baby, you know you can tell me, right?" Jules said.

"I...I know." I said, clearing my throat. "I'm coming to pick up what's left of my stuff." There was a long pause on the end of the line. "Jules?"

"I... I'm here. I just... didn't expect to hear you say that. You're staying in Bristol, then?"

"Yeah." I said. "I need a change, you know? I'm having a real hard time coping with everything, and I don't think London is the place for me anymore."

"No, I get it... Fresh start and all that... Although..." She sighed, deeply, and then laughed softly. "I sort of hoped you would come back." She said, and
I could hear the longing in her voice. "I've... really missed you."

Fuck.

I closed my eyes and tipped my head back. "You know why we broke up, Jules. And you know why I can't be with you like that anymore."

Another sigh. "Yeah... I know." She said, sadly. "You love me, but it's not enough."

"I'm really sorry, babe."

I heard her sniffle and I cringed. "It's ok, hun." She said quietly, her voice shaking. "I know I can't measure up to someone you've loved a lot longer and a lot more deeply than you ever have loved me. I'll get over it."

"For what it's worth, you're a great girl, Juliette. You're just-"

"Not the one for you." She said, finishing my sentence. "I know." I sighed, as we both shared a silent moment together. "She forgave you, then? Emily..."

"She has no right to, but... Yeah."

"So, the two of you..."

"Emily has been a good friend to me these past weeks. It's been... Right, y'know? I've always loved her, and she has me... I'm sorry if it hurts to hear that, I don't mean it to. It's just the truth."

"Don't worry about it, Naomi. I know I've always been second to her." Jules replied, a slightly detached tone to her voice.

"If I could make it different-"

"You can't. I've just got to move on, that's all."

"Do you think we can still be friends?" I asked, hopefully.

There was another short pause. "I'm really not sure, Naoms. I might need a bit of time to think about it." She said.

"That's fair, I guess." I replied.

"So, when are you coming down?"

"Uh... Saturday, most likely. The other thing is... Is it ok if Emily comes with me? She's going to borrow her parents' station wagon so we can move everything."

"And you don't have a license."

"Yeah, and I don't have a license." I half laughed. I wish I felt like laughing.

"Sure, that's ok. If something comes up and I can't be here, I'll text you to let you know, but you've got keys anyway, so... If I'm not here just leave them on the kitchen table, ok?"

I nodded to myself. "Will do."

"Uh... Please don't take it personal if I'm not here, ok?" She asked. "I won't lie, this is hard for me. I still love you, Naomi."

"I know, Jules. A part of me will always love you, too."

"Just not the part that matters..." She said, sadly.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologising, Naomi. It doesn't make it any better." She said, but strangely, there was no malice in her words.

"Take care, ok?" I said, trying to keep my tone light, though my heart felt like a piece of lead in my chest. I'm surprised it was even still beating.

"You too, babe. I love you." She said, sadness once more tinging her words, before the line clicked and the engaged tone licked at my eardrum. I ended the call and curled up into a ball in the deck chair, tossing my phone into my lap and lighting another cigarette. I took a long drag and exhaled a cloud of smoke, closing my eyes. I'd smoked half the cigarette when I heard footsteps approaching.

"How did it go?" Emily asked, sitting in the chair beside mine.

"Harder than I thought. I think I just broke her heart completely." I said, sadly. "And I think I might have lost a friend, too."

"Uh... I thought the two of you broke up?"

"We did..." I replied. "But Jules still loves me. I think she thought I was going to go back to London eventually, and we might get back together."

"Oh." Emily said. "But..."

I shook my head. "I don't belong with her, Emily. She isn't part of my future." I said, looking over at her. "You are."

Emily took my hand and gripped it gently. She didn't say anything, but then, she didn't have to. It was one of those wordless moments we always tended to share, when we knew that no words would fit properly.


A/N#2: That's where we leave the story for now.

More eventually, thanks for reading. Reviews are always welcome.

Until next time...

~GN~ xo