Chapter 11: The Absolution

When Rory arrived back home, it was close to midnight, but the lights in the house were still on. The front door was unlocked, which was not unusual, but the eerie quiet that greeted her was. Usually if her mother was awake, she would be watching television. Or she would have called out a greeting to Rory when she heard the door open. She wondered if perhaps her mother had forgotten to turn the lights off before falling asleep.

A quick survey of the first floor revealed that Lorelai had indeed fallen asleep on the couch with Paul Anka. Although she crept quietly towards the kitchen so as not to disturb them, the dog must have heard Rory because he woke up and immediately barked a warning before scrambling off the couch and hiding behind the coffee table.

"Paul Anka, its just me!" Rory whispered, hoping not to awaken her mother. But it was already too late, as Lorelai sat up in response to the pitifully frightened bark.

"Rory," she said, seeing that it was her daughter who had scared Paul Anka. "What are you doing here?" she asked, rubbing at her eyes and then glancing at her watch.

"I thought I'd come see how you were doing," Rory said. "I was here earlier..."

Lorelai sighed heavily as she remembered what 'earlier' had entailed. "Oh, right. How's Lane? Were you able to catch up?"

"Lane's fine. Mom, where's Luke? What happened with you guys? After Dad left, I thought you two were going to talk."

"We did talk," she said.

Rory waited for more, but when none was forthcoming, she prompted, "And?"

"And he left."

"Well what did you guys talk about?"

Lorelai sighed. "Rory, do we really have to get into this now?"

"Yes, we do," her daughter insisted, sitting on the couch next to her mother. "I want to know why you and Luke were doing fine when you called me earlier today and now you're sleeping alone on the couch with Paul Anka."

"Its complicated."

"Well un-complicate it!"

"Look Rory, what do you want me to say? I screwed up, and Luke can't forgive me. He thought he could, but then he saw Christopher kiss me, and we're back at square one," Lorelai said. And suddenly, the dam that was doing such a good job holding back her tears broke. As she began to cry, Rory went to her, wrapping her arms tightly around her mother. They sat together for several moments as Rory simply let her cry.

Finally, as Lorelai's tears started to ebb, she pulled back from her daughter and wiped at her cheeks. "I can't believe I'm crying again," she remarked in disgust. "I'm going to get dehydrated soon."

"Mom, its going to be okay," Rory assured her, ignoring the half-hearted joke.

"I know, I know," she said, although she did not really believe that it would. But her daughter was worried about her, and if nothing else, she knew how to put on a brave face for Rory. "So how was your day?" she asked, forcing a smile.

Allowing for the change in subject, Rory told her, "I went to the hospital to see April. Right after you left, apparently."

Lorelai was surprised, but she contained it well. "Oh, how is she doing? Any better?"

"When Luke and I left she had just gone to sleep again after being awake for half an hour straight. Actually, the doctors sort of kicked us out because they said we were keeping her from getting enough sleep. But she looked good," Rory said. "Very talkative."

"That's good," Lorelai said, and she was surprised at how much she meant it. As many problems as her appearance in their lives had caused, she genuinely liked April, probably because she reminded her a lot of Rory at the same age. Only more blunt and matter-of-fact. Like Luke. She pushed away thoughts of who their own children would have taken after more.

"The doctor said they don't think there was any brain damage, although she can't remember anything about the accident," Rory continued. "They're going to do an MRI tomorrow and then bring in a specialist, just to make sure." Lorelai just nodded.

Rory sighed before pressing ahead. "Mom, did Luke tell you that he got a call from the police?" This bit of news got her mother's attention, confirming that he had not yet told her. "They caught the guy that hit April."

Lorelai blinked, not sure what to make of what Rory had just said. So she said what came to mind first. "Who was it?"

Rory shrugged slightly. "Some guy from Litchfield. No one we know. The police think he had been drinking, but they can't prove it. He said he didn't even realize he'd hit someone, just thought it was an animal."

"Oh my God, that's terrible. And Luke just found out about this?" Lorelai asked.

Her daughter nodded an affirmative. "Several hours ago. He called you but I don't think he wanted to talk about it over the phone. And then you were late coming to the hospital, so when the nurse kicked us out, I told him I'd give him a ride back to the house since I was coming to visit you anyway." She paused, not sure whether to go on. Finally she added, "But then when we got here..."

Lorelai made a motion to stop with her hand, cutting Rory off. She knew how the story went from there on and had no desire to hear it retold. What bothered her was the disturbing news Luke had received about the manner in which his daughter had been hit. A drunk driver, in the middle of the day. Lorelai's mind conjured images of a middle-aged hobo lugging around a bottle in a brown paper bag, stumbling to his car and turning on the ignition. In reality, the man was probably just as ordinary as anyone else, except on that particular day he chose to drink alcohol and then get behind the wheel of a vehicle. April had almost died because of his mistake. Luke's daughter had almost been taken from him. No wonder he had reacted so violently to Christopher when he had kissed her. It was just enough to push him over the edge.

No wonder he had acted so angry and unforgiving. Lorelai remembered again how she had felt after Rory's car accident. She had taken out her fear and frustration on the only person around who had even a passing connection with the situation: Luke.

"I need to find him," she said finally, getting up from the couch. "I need to find Luke."

"Do you even know where he is?" Rory asked, not sure she wanted her mother traipsing around town in the dark, especially in such an emotional state. "He could be anywhere."

"He's at the diner," Lorelai stated with a certainty she did not completely feel.

"I don't know... I didn't see the lights on when I was in town earlier."

"He's at the diner," she repeated, with just a shade more conviction. Looking down, she noted that Paul Anka had relaxed enough to fall back asleep on the floor by the couch. "Stay here and keep an eye on him, will you? He was pretty freaked out earlier when Luke and I fought."

As she headed for the door, Rory called after her, "Mom! There's something else you should know..."

Lorelai stopped and turned back. "What?"

"Luke and I were talking, on the way here from the hospital. Well, we talked a lot at the hospital too, but... Well, he told me something I think you should know. He said... well, first he said he loves you. He's always loved you, probably since the first time he met you. But, then he told me that he no matter how hard he tried, he can't not love you, despite everything that's happened. You're a part of him, and he's a part of you. Mom, whether you believe it or not, he's forgiven you."

"Rory..."

"Mom, he really loves you-"

"Just because he loves me doesn't mean he can forgive me," Lorelai informed her. "In fact, loving me makes it even harder to forgive, because it means I hurt him that much more. I don't think you understand how much I hurt him, Rory. And maybe Luke didn't realize himself until he saw me with Christopher tonight. He may never be able to forgive me completely. And if by some miracle we're able to work things out, I think that's just something we're both going to have to learn to live with."

Rory stared at her mother, amazed at the self-loathing in her voice. She knew Lorelai regretted sleeping with Christopher, that it had been a huge mistake. And after her situation with Logan, Rory felt she had a good understanding of why someone would seek physical comfort with a familiar body after an emotional breakup. But her mother seemed to feel more than just remorse for what she had done - she acted almost unworthy of forgiveness, as though it was only natural for Luke to hate her.

"Why did you do it, Mom?" she asked, genuinely wanting to know. "Why did you even go over there?"

Lorelai sighed. She had been asking herself the same question for the past two days. 'I was upset,' sounded false and inadequate, even in her own mind. 'I thought we were over,' was even less true. Had that been her only consideration, she would have simply gone home and cried herself to sleep. No, it was more than that.

"I was hurting," she whispered. Sitting back down on the couch as Rory followed suit, she let her gaze rest on Paul Anka so she would not have to look her daughter in the eye as she spoke. Somehow that made it easier. "I felt like he didn't want me to be in his life, that he didn't want to marry me. And I guess part of me wanted to feel wanted, to feel needed again. And I think deep down, part of me wanted to hurt him the way I was hurting."

"Oh Mom..."

Continuing on, Lorelai forced herself to look at her daughter. "It just felt so horrible, to be so unwanted like that, especially since I know that Luke loves me. Ever since we broke up before, I've known something Rory. He's the one for me. There's no one else. I love him." She paused, taking a deep breath. "And I was just so sad and angry that we were never going to have it, that perfect life together, that I... I did the one thing I knew would ruin it for good, completely. The one thing he can never forgive."

Rory made no reply to her confession. She had no idea what to say and did not want to make things worse by choosing the wrong words.

"So now you know," Lorelai said quietly. "I did it on purpose. I hurt him on purpose, and I messed everything up. That's why he can't forgive me. That's why he shouldn't forgive me."

"Mom, you're not the only one to blame for this. Luke lied to you, he shut you out and made you feel unwanted. You should really talk to him about all this rather than taking it all on yourself," Rory advised her, but Lorelai just shook her head.

"Luke has enough to worry about right now without having to deal with me. April's in the hospital. Anna's giving him a hard time. Hell, Rory, he got into a fistfight with Christopher tonight because of me."

"But he loves you."

"And I love him," she repeated. "But sometimes love just isn't enough..." Her voice trailed off in sadness. "I need to go find Luke," she repeated, once again getting up from the couch.

"Please talk to him," Rory implored.

Lorely nodded before leaning down to kiss her daughter lightly on the forhead. "Don't worry about me, hon. Everything will work out." And then she was gone, the sound of the front door shutting causing Paul Anka to wake up and wimper at the sound.

Rory desperately hoped that what her mother said was true, that everything would work out.


She found him at the diner, just as she knew she would. Letting herself into the darkened apartment upstairs, Lorelai tiptoed across the floor to where she saw Luke's outline sitting in the comfortable, oversized chair. By the dim light filtering in from outside, she could tell that he was still fully dressed. And while she could not see his eyes or necessarily hear his breathing, she knew instinctively that he was awake.

So she sat down on the coffee table in front of him, careful not to let her knees touch his. It was the same position they had been in after their fight in front of Sookie and Jackson about the phone call from Christopher. Lorelai closed her eyes at the memory. Christopher. It was always Christopher. He seemed to be in the background of whatever problems she and Luke were having. He always ruined things. But then, she always let him. It was a pattern she would have to change if she ever wanted another shot with the man in front of her.

"Rory told me that they found the guy, the one who hit April," she said quietly, not wanting to disturb Luke's solitude but knowing she had to say something. "She also told me that the police think he was drunk and that he didn't know he had hit her."

For a full minute, Luke said nothing. Then he spoke,barely above a whisper. "He knew. He knew he had hit her, and he knew he was drunk. And he knew he'd get in trouble for that, so he left. Ran away like a coward, leaving her there, on the road... bleeding..."

Lorelai could tell from his voice that he was exhausted, and she wondered exactly how much sleep he had managed to get in the past few days. Though they had gone to bed together that morning, he was gone when she woke up, and she was unsure whether he had actually slept at all.

"But they caught him," she pointed out. "He can go to jail for what he did."

"What if he doesn't? What if he does it again?" Luke asked. "What if next time its some other little girl on a bicycle who isn't wearing a helmet? She could have died, Lorelai!"

She suddenly realized something. This was not about the man from Litchfield, or even Lorelai's betrayal. It was about Luke, and the secret guilt he harbored for not having prevented this terrible accident. And perhaps for not having gone after her the night she asked him to elope. She could hear it in his voice, the anger masking self recrimination. As if he were to blame for any of it.

"Luke... you can't always protect the people you love. You can try, and I know it feels like you should, but you have to accept that you can't always be there to make sure bad things don't happen to her." Lorelai sighed, knowing this was the wrong time for a parenting lecture but figuring that he at least needed the reassurance that he had not failed his daughter. She owed him that much at least.

Not knowing what else to say, she sat silently, hoping he would confide his thoughts to her. Despite everything that had happened between them, she wanted to be there for him if he needed her, especially with regard to April. She had been a mother long enough to know that kid problems trumped relationship problems every time.

It startled her when Luke suddenly leaned forward in the chair. The movement brought his face out of the shadows, and Lorelai was able to see his eyes as they watched her intently. She also noticed that he had wiped away the blood from his mouth, but the cut was swelling and scabbed over. He also had the beginnings of a nasty black eye.

Luke very slowly reached out and took her hand in his, carefully turning it over so that it was palm-up and the underside of her wrist was exposed. The light in the diner was too dim to see the faint red mark Christopher had left on the arm, but Luke examined it thoughtfully.

"I'm sorry," he said finally, looking back up at her. She knew the apology was for more than having grabbed her bruised wrist earlier, when she tried to clean the cut by his mouth. His words held an apology for everything, for anything.

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, Luke," she told him, and she meant it. They had hurt one another, but when it came to assigning blame, she knew that her side of the scale held a lot more than his did.

"Christopher was right. I wasn't there for you when you needed me, and he was. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for hurting you. And I'm sorry for today."

"Luke, I swear to you, there wasn't anything going on between me and Chris-" she began, but he quickly put a finger to her mouth, silencing her.

"I know," he said, looking into her eyes, rewarding her trust with his own vulnerability. "When I saw him with you, I got scared and I overreacted. I'm so afraid of losing you, Lorelai, you have no idea. And what happened before... what you did... the full force of it sort of hit me again, and didn't know what to do with that feeling."

The pain in his voice felt like a knife cutting straight into her heart. "I hate that I keep hurting you," she told him. "You deserve so much better than that." Than me. Until the day she died, she would never forgive herself for causing this man pain.

"We hurt each other," he reflected. "And neither of us deserve it." It was an absolution of guilt, for both of them, and Lorelai found herself clinging to it like a life preserver.

"I guess that's something we should work on," she suggested, trying to sound lighter than she felt.

Luke just nodded in response and looked back down at her hand, still gently enfolded in his. It was her left hand, and she felt him brush across her skin until he found her engagement ring, still securely on her third finger. Then he brought her hand to his lips, leaving the gentlest of kisses, first on her fingers, then to her palm, and finally at her wrist, barely making contact with the sensitive area. The gesture was symbolic rather than sensual, a reaffirmation of his dedication and affection. Luke always expressed himself better with actions than with words.

"I love you, Lorelai," he confided. "More than you will ever know."

"I think I have a pretty good idea," she said as she felt her heart constrict with emotion. She leaned in to kiss him gently, careful to avoid his injury.

"You should sleep," she told him after a moment, cognizant of his exhaustion. When he did not respond, she stood up from the coffee table, her hand still in his, and pulled him out of his chair. He followed her without hesitation to the bed, and they laid down together, fully clothed, on top of the comforter.

Luke spooned up against her and rested his arm around her waist, placing his hand on her stomach. It was the second time that day they had gone to sleep together and remembering his absence when she had awoken earlier, Lorelai gently wrapped both arms around his arm and hugged it to her, unwilling to let him escape again.

"Love you," she whispered quietly before falling asleep.


AN: Not quite the end, but I'm getting close. Thanks to everyone who has stuck with it this far. And once again, thanks for all the great reviews. They really make my day.