Let's do this.
CHAPTER 11
"I'm not this person, Edward. I am so not this person," she cried, her voice frantic and shrill.
"I know, Bella. I know you're not," he tried fervently to reassure her.
"No. You don't understand. All I could think of, Edward, after the fact, was that I was terrified that you'd think I was one of those people. One of those people who could have a boyfriend and then go around kissing other guys. Because that's not me, Edward, it's just not me."
"Bella, I know. I promise you, I could never think that of you." His voice conveyed his desperation.
"And then it hit me, Edward. That was what I was upset about? Not the fact that I cheated? Not the fact that he will dump me the second he finds out? Nope. I was upset because of what you'd think of me. You, Edward. That is so wrong. It's backwards and it makes no sense and I'm almost disgusted with myself for not knowing what my priorities should be.
"And you. You kissed me even though I'm with someone else. You put me in this awful position and turned me into one of those people." She took a breath and shook her head, staring down at the ground ahead of her, confounded by it all. "I want to hate you so much, Edward. I just…wish I could hate you." She looked at him finally.
"Bella," he began softly. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I never wanted to make you feel this way. I was selfish, and I should never have kissed you. I don't want you to regret it. And I could never, ever, think badly of you, Bella. Ever. I know you're not one of those people. No one ever has to find out about this, I will take it to the grave, I swear."
"Edward, I just…I never wanted it to happen that way with us." Her voice was quiet now. She couldn't look at him as she said it, so she looked at her fidgeting fingers.
He nodded in agreement. "I know. And I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too."
"I never wanted to make you feel this way," he said quietly. "It was just…a mistake."
Bella's eyes shot up to meet his, though he was looking at the ground in front of him. A mistake? Wait, a mistake to kiss me?
Her silence prompted him to look up from the spot on the floor. The look on her face took him by surprise. She looked anxious. She looked…hurt.
"A mistake," she repeated.
"Look at what it's done to you, Bella. Look what I've done to you."
"That's not what I…I wasn't…"
"Maybe we should, I don't know, cool it for a while." Tears sprung quickly to her eyes and she fought desperately to keep them at bay. The sadness all but choked her.
She nodded.
"This," he motioned towards her, "is not what I want to see. And I caused it. And I'm sorry. You'll never know how sorry, Bella."
Though he wasn't her first kiss, he wanted to be her first love. He wanted to be the one to sweep her off her feet, protect her from the world, show her all of the wonderful things that she deserved. He wanted to be it all for her. But his selfish impulse ruined everything.
He turned to leave, but only got as far as a few steps. She watched his retreating figure sadly, the tears slowly gaining the upper hand.
She struggled.
Edward turned back to her one more time. "Bella. I promise you, if I could take it all back, I would. In a heartbeat." The hurt she felt upon hearing those words was crushing, until he spoke again. "I would do it the right away, Bella. I would make it perfect. I'm sorry."
He would do it the right way, she repeated to herself. The relief was overwhelming. He would do it again.
She nodded, afraid to blink so as to not give her tears an opening.
His parting smile was sullen, and cut through her heart like a knife.
She could have reacted differently. She didn't need to freak out like that. He kissed her because he wanted to. He wanted her. If she had reacted differently, she could have just broken up with Jacob and they could have been together. Instead, she ruined it, and now Edward wanted to cool it for a while.
She stood motionless, watching him leave her as she gave way and let the tears spill silently down her cheeks the second the door shut behind him.
.
The previous evening, Bella was getting up to leave after they had finished watching two more episodes of Lost.
Edward had made a joke about the one they just finished. She had giggled.
She walked to the door where Edward was standing and grabbed her boots. She bent down to put them on and once they were tied tightly, she stood up.
But when she looked up at him, she stopped short before reaching for her coat. She saw that he hadn't put his coat or boots on yet to walk her back to her dorm. He was close to her though, looking at her, the smile slowly fading from his lips.
Her heart began beating wickedly in her chest. She couldn't look away from the eyes that were gazing back at her, in a way that she had never seen before. She knew this look. It had given her the same feeling as the one Jacob had given her right before he leaned in…
Only this time there wasn't an ounce of doubt in her mind of what she wanted. Everything else in the world had slipped away, everything else but him.
He licked his lips. She swallowed hard.
Before she could think, Edward's hand had made its way to the back of her neck, gently pulling her towards him as he pressed his lips against hers. Gently but firmly. She all but melted into a puddle on the ground. Her knees were weak and her stomach fluttered, her heart pounding wildly.
As his tongue grazed her bottom lip, she sighed as she parted her mouth for him. His mouth and tongue moulded to hers as though there were puzzle pieces, finally fitting together perfectly to complete a long-unfinished picture.
Their mouths moved together softly, adeptly – as expertly as if they had done this a million times before. Bella melted into him as she felt his other hand on her hip, pulling her closer to him before sliding gently across her back, holding her tightly. She lost herself entirely in the warmth of his hands, his mouth, his body.
It was soft, deep, passionate, gentle, powerful. Perfect.
Time had stood still, and neither of them knew how much time had actually passed – how long they were standing at the door, kissing in the late-night hour.
Bella's hands made their way up his chest until they reached his shoulders, where she slid them further to his neck and into his hair and pulled him even closer still, though it could never be close enough.
The buzzing of Edward's cell phone put an end to that remarkable kiss. They broke apart slowly, reluctantly, and stared into one another's eyes as their hands slid away from the warmth of each other's bodies.
The phone buzzed once more. As Edward grudgingly reached down to grab it off his bed, Bella's touched her lips softly with her fingertips, closing her eyes as she reflected on what had just transpired between them. Her tears were dangerously close to the surface.
"Jasper's staying with Alice," he said in a low voice, reading the text message.
"Oh," was all she could reply.
"Bella," he began, but she cut him off. If Jasper wasn't coming back, that meant she wouldn't have to leave. And she had to leave. She grabbed her jacket swiftly.
"I have to go."
Edward didn't know what to say, since all he wanted to say was for her to stay. He watched her open the door and step into the hallway.
"I'll walk you," he offered, knowing how late it was and desperate to be with her.
"No," she said suddenly. "No. It's okay."
He nodded, dejected, and didn't press the matter, knowing something wasn't right. She had never turned down his offer to walk her home.
She walked away without another word, as he watched her disappear into the stairwell.
All he could do was berate himself for what just happened. What have I done?
.
After half a minute of allowing herself to cry over Edward, her thoughts shifted suddenly. Bella needed to apologize, to tell him she didn't want to cool it, that she wanted to see him and be his friend. She felt desperate to make it right, to not lose him over something like this.
Bella made her way to the door tentatively, not knowing what she would say or how she would say it, but knowing that she needed to talk to him as soon as possible.
She opened the door and inhaled sharply in surprise, finding Edward standing there, leaning on her door frame.
They stared at each other for a long moment.
"You kissed me back," Edward said.
Bella nodded.
"You kissed me back, Bella."
"I did."
She knew what he was telling her. She had no right to be mad at him when she willingly and eagerly kissed him back. She made no move to stop it from happening because she wanted it. She was equally as guilty as he was, and they both knew it.
They stared at each other for another long moment, just looking at each other, neither of them saying another word.
"I shouldn't have," she finally said.
Edward closed his eyes against her words. "But you did," he said. "And I get that you regret it because you have a boyfriend and you feel bad, but Bella –"
"I shouldn't have taken it out on you," she told him.
You feel something too. Only he couldn't bring himself to say this out loud.
Silence fell once again between them.
"Edward?"
They both turned, startled, towards Rosalie's voice. Bella's heart was beating furiously and she suddenly became very nervous that Rosalie had heard everything.
Rosalie eyed the two suspiciously as she took in Edward's anxious stance and Bella's red-rimmed eyes.
"Is everything okay?" Rosalie asked slowly.
"Yeah, I was just leaving," Edward said. He turned briefly to Bella. "Um…I guess I'll see you around."
Bella nodded. "See ya."
"Bye, Rosalie," he said quickly as he disappeared down the hall.
Rosalie watched him walk away before turning to Bella, hurrying inside and closing the door.
"What's wrong, Bella? What happened?"
Rosalie couldn't fathom the idea of Edward ever upsetting Bella, let alone making her cry.
Bella tried desperately to think of a lie to tell her roommate, her friend. But Bella was never much of a liar, so none came. What the hell, she thought, I might as well just tell her.
"Edward kissed me," she said tentatively, unsure of what type of reaction Rosalie would have.
"Really?" she asked, wide-eyed and completely shocked.
Bella nodded.
Rosalie paused, going through something in her head. "Okay, so…is this a bad thing? I thought you wanted this."
"I did. I do. But, Rosalie, what about Jacob? I'm still with him, you know," Bella said, as though it should have been obvious to Rosalie.
"Oh. Right." Rosalie's excitement was deflated. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know yet." She paused for a second, and then shook her head, disgusted with herself.
"Well, who do you want to be with?"
Bella looked at Rosalie, trying to come up with an answer.
Did she want to be with Jacob? Yes…and no.
Did she want to be with Edward? Yes…and no.
Edward was complicated. She couldn't just dump Jacob and then start something up with him. That would be wrong. It would be rushed. She didn't want to make any mistakes with Edward. Definitely not.
And being with Jacob would be temporary, at best, and she knew that. It would only be a matter of time before things would inevitably end with them. But he was a good person, and didn't deserve this.
Bella shook her head and picked up her phone to send a text.
Dinner tonight?
Plans with Alice.
Please, Jasper?
She had to wait a full minute before the next reply. She knew he grasped the desperation, she wouldn't have pushed otherwise. And he was rearranging his plans. Best friend ever.
Got it. Quinn's at 6?
Bella sighed, relieved that he would be there for her today. She needed him more than ever.
"I'll have a root beer, please," Bella asked the server.
"What?" Jasper looked at her in confusion.
"Thought I'd try something different," she replied glumly, shrugging.
"Oh." He considered this. "I'll have a Coke, please."
The server told them she'd be right back and then she was gone.
"This should be interesting," Jasper said, raising his eyebrows at Bella. They had never switched drink orders. Jasper had never even seen Bella take a sip of root beer in their whole lives.
They made idle chit chat until their drinks came and they placed their orders.
They each took a sip of their drinks at the same time, pausing to reflect on the taste.
"Nope," they said simultaneously, and swapped. There, that was better.
"So, what's up, Bella?" Jasper's words were casual, but his eyes and his tone were concerned.
She sighed.
"Edward kissed me last night."
Jasper's eyes grew wider than she had ever seen.
"Fuck. Seriously? If you're messing with me, I might kill you."
She shook her head somberly. "Nope. Totally serious."
"Bella, what happened?"
"I was at your place watching Lost with him, and right before I left, he just grabbed me and kissed me."
"What? What did you do?" Jasper sounded slightly angry, and Bella realized that he could have construed her explanation as Edward forcing himself on her.
"I, uh…kissed him back." Her voice was small.
"Bella," Jasper trailed off.
"I know," she assured him firmly, before he could remind her about Jacob. "I know."
"Well, let's start with this. How did you feel afterwards?"
"Happy. And guilty. And disappointed with myself."
"But, happy nonetheless."
She nodded.
"And if he wanted to kiss you again, you'd say…"
"I have to break up with Jacob first."
"But you want to. Kiss him again." He already knew her answer; he was just looking for confirmation.
"Yes. It was…God! It was…wow. Jasper, I can't even…it was…"
"Okay, okay, I get it. I don't need the play by play."
"Jacob doesn't deserve this, Jasper."
"No, he doesn't. But this was a long time coming."
Bella looked up at him in question. Did he really think this would end up happening?
He raised an eyebrow at her. "Oh, come on. You really didn't see this coming?"
She shrugged, waving him off, too frustrated to even think about that. It had already happened and now she had to deal with it.
Jasper leaned on the table. "Okay, let's look at this way. What do you see for you and Jacob? Does this ruin your big happily ever after with him? Because if it does, I'm sure there's a way to make it right."
"No. I really don't know what this is with Jacob. I mean, he's so great. So great. I really do like everything about him. I just don't have that…feeling. You know?"
Jasper nodded, because he did know. Alice gave him that feeling ten times over. And as soon as Bella had her issues squared away, he would tell her that wanted to tell Alice he loved her.
"But what is this with Edward? Was it partially just the thrill of the chase? I mean, be honest. Because you seem upset now, when I thought you'd be flying high at the mere idea of kissing Edward Cullen."
"Jasper, he just got out of a very serious relationship with Kate. If we start something now, how could it end well? I don't want to be his rebound. I can't…I don't want to. It's kind of a mess now, no?"
"Okay, fair. It's a bit of a mess. But, Bella, you're overthinking this."
"Because I don't want to mess it up," she whispered desperately.
Jasper sat back in his chair, eyeing Bella for a moment before asking his next questions.
"Do you…love him?"
Bella was caught off guard, and her whole demeanor showed it.
"Love him? That's…I don't know. I mean, I can't believe how much I like him. It's kind of overwhelming, actually. But, is this love? Is this what love feels like?"
But she knew deep down, when Jasper uttered the L-word, that was exactly how she felt. She could never put her feelings into words, not even contemplating being in love with someone that wasn't hers. But that was precisely what this was. It was love.
He watched as her forehead smoothed and realization hit her.
"I love him."
He paused again, and she looked up at him, recognizing that he hadn't said anything in a while. His face looked torn, like he was trying to figure out how to say something.
Finally, he looked at her.
"Bella, I have to tell you something. And I want you to know that I didn't tell you before because he was with Kate and I didn't know what would happen with you guys, and I didn't want to make it harder on you."
Bella just nodded, suddenly nervous.
"When we first got here and Edward and I were getting to know each other, he talked about Kate. Like, all the time. He didn't even realize he was doing it. She was this person in his life who was a huge part of it and he just always talked about her."
Bella strained to not look pained by this. Why was he telling her this?
"But after he met you, he barely mentioned her name anymore. The stories stopped. He only talked about her when he had to, when he was asked about her. It was…so obvious. That's why I was so worried, Bella. I knew you were wedging yourself between them without even knowing it, and I didn't want you get yourself in deeper than you already were. I didn't want you to be responsible for their break-up, because you never would have forgiven yourself.
"And I wanted you to be happy, Bella, I really did. I still do. And I love Edward, he's an awesome roommate and an awesome friend. Couldn't have been luckier getting to room with him.
"But you're my priority, Bella. I couldn't stand back and watch you get trampled, so I did what I could to keep you as far from the middle as possible. And you know what? I think I did a damn good job, too. You were mad at me every single time we talked about it, but I knew it was sticking with you. Lucky for us, Kate majorly fucked up and doomed that relationship to hell all on her own.
"So, I'm sorry if I've been upsetting you the last few months with my negativity. But I was thinking of you, Bella, every day, I really was. First and foremost. You're always first. Well, you and Alice," he smirked.
"Jasper," she began, but he cut her off, knowing she was going to thank him and say how great he was and tell him she loved him.
He stared at his food and kept picking away at his fries as he spoke.
"No, Bella. You have no idea what you did for me all our lives. I wasn't always the outgoing, social kid you knew. You built me up, and you don't even know it. You made me who I am. You're the greatest friend. Just…the greatest."
Bella had tears in her eyes, but she knew Jasper would kill her if she got up and gave him a hug in the middle of Quinn's.
So instead, she took his hand, effectively cutting him off from his fries, and forcing him to look at her.
In a hushed voice, she spoke.
"I love you, Jasper. And I want to hug your face off so bad right now."
He smiled, shaking his head, and they continued eating in comfortable silence.
He knew how much she really did love him, and it warmed him up. Friendships like theirs were hard to come by.
Did you like it? Hate it? Wish it happened differently? Let me know what you think...I hope you enjoyed it! : )
