Chapter 11 – Can't

You look over to the clock on the bedside table; it's 9:47am. You've been awake for a few hours now actually, and you've heard movement out in the hall and downstairs, but for some reason you don't want to move. You figure you'll have to eventually because your bladder is currently making it difficult for you, maybe you can run to the toilet then quickly come back and no one will notice. All of yesterday is replaying over and over again in your mind. Brittany's story, her opening up to you, kissing her. Brittany was right, you're having an affair, and every time you think about it your stomach lurches and you feel sick with guilt and anxiety.

In your mind though, if you block out everything and everyone else, and just replay Brittany's smiling at you, her lips kissing you back, divulging to you her past. Your heart feels fuzzy and you want to curl up into a ball and just smile stupidly at yourself. Fuck. What does this mean? Does it mean what you think it means? OK so you might be considering the possibility you aren't straight but you can't do anything about it, can you? You're not going to…come out…or anything. There's nothing to come out about because you have Sam, right? Maybe now you've kissed Brittany, the curious side to you is gone. There's no more feelings, no more mystery, no more tension, shouldn't this make things easier? It was a one off and it'll never happen again. Yes, that has to be it.

You roll your eyes and begin to get out of bed begrudgingly because now you really need to pee and you can't hold it in any longer.

You don't know why but you're tiptoeing across the hall to the bathroom and you go to open the door but someone opens it from the other side. You blink and shake your head a little as hot steam comes bellowing toward you.

"Oops, sorry just came out a shower" a voice says.

Once the steam clears up a little and your eyes adjust to the light your jaw drops at the sight before you. Brittany's standing in front of you, towel wrapped around her head and a white fluffy one around her body. You can see the sheen of damp water gleam over her collarbone and her face and she looks kind of angelic.

"Oh," she says like she just realizes it's you, "hi" she says softly and gives you a small smile.

"Uh…hi" you breathe back.

So much for no tension.

"I just came in to do the toilet," you say dumbly, staring at the top half of her chest. You haven't a fucking clue why you're telling her this.

"I figured," she smirks at you and her eyes look like they are revelling in yours, like she likes that you're looking at her. "People normally come to the toilet to use it"

You watch as a drop of water slowly slides it's way down her chest and disappears under the towel where it dips into the valley between her breasts. You blink and look back up at her eyes and feel yourself flush.

"Uh…right" you say awkwardly. "Hey uhm, I'll probably be leaving soon, I want to get back before dinner"

"Oh," she says and she sounds disappointed but not surprised. Her shoulders slump a little.

"Yeah," you rub the back of your neck awkwardly and your hearts beginning to thud against your chest again. It's like it can't fucking handle anything more than 10 seconds of being in her company. "So, I was wondering if we could talk"

"OK," she nods and her head does a sort of sympathetic tilt. "I'm going into your room now to dry my hair, you can talk to me after you use the toilet if you want"

"OK" you nod.

She smiles and brushes by you and you close your eyes and try not swoon at how warm and wet and wonderful she looks, or by how delicious she smells, like strawberries this time.

You hear her giggle as she walks away and she must be laughing at you. Your stomach still flutters in response.

After you finish in the toilet you go back to your room and close the door behind you. Brittany is sitting on the floor with a hair-dryer and brush in front of the walk in closet's mirror. You just stand and stare at her in the mirror.

"I hope you don't mind, the mirror in here is bigger"

"Not at all" you say and you begin to play with your hands.

She eyes you suspiciously, "are you OK? I assume you want to talk about yesterday?"

You swallow thickly and nod, suddenly unable to form words.

"Uhm…" Brittany sighs and gives you shy smile in the mirror. "Well I really liked kissing you, was…was it good for you?" she asks and it's probably the first time you've seen her look unsure of herself.

"Oh uhm…yeah it was good for me" you say slowly, hardly believing you're having this conversation, "I mean," you give a hollow laugh, "It was the best damn kiss I ever had to be honest"

She stares at you then chews her bottom lip and starts to trace her fingers along her collarbone like she's flustered. Instead of saying anything back she takes off the towel on her head and her straggly wet hair comes falling down around her shoulders. You just stare at her. You're supposed to be talking.

"It can't happen again" she says to you.

"Right," you agree but it comes out like you don't agree.

"You said you wanted to kiss me again last night though, so are you saying you don't want to kiss me again now?" she asks and scrunches up her face.

"Now? As in right now?"

"Right now" she says firmly and looks at you seriously.

Fuck. You can't breathe.

"D-d-d you get some kick out of being this up and down with me? I mean, you're teasing me and being close to me but then-"

"Pot calling the kettle black huh?" she interjects and smiles a little at you. "You're kinda up and down with me too Santana," she says sadly with a shrug of her shoulder.

You shake your head because you can't really argue with that and you walk toward the bed. This whole situation is such a mess.

"Look Brittany," you sigh impatiently and slump down on her bed. Her blue eyes look at you forlornly in the mirror and she continues brushing her wet hair, sitting on the floor. "One minute you're saying this is wrong, and the next you're calling me and telling me you're naked and thinking about me, what am I supposed to think?"

"I told you flirting is all we can have," she says to you sternly.

"But look what it made me do!" you hiss at her and look at the door to make sure it's shut. "We kissed yesterday"

Brittany gives a short laugh, "Santana, I'm going to assume your memory is failing on you but it wasn't my flirting that made us kiss. You kissed me. I was crying and wanted to be alone, you're the one who stayed, and you're the one who kissed me even though I warned you right before that you shouldn't"

You find it hard to swallow and just stare at her. Holy crap she's right. "I…" you begin but have no idea what to say, "I just wanted you to stop crying" you mumble.

"And the normal persons response is to kiss a person when they're crying? You know, friends normally just hug and eat ice cream or something"

You roll your eyes, "you know how you make me feel though."

"Actually I don't," she says shortly, placing her hairbrush down and staring at you in the mirror. "What am I to you Santana? Mhmm? Friend? Make out buddy? Flirty friend? Counselor? What? How is it exactly I make you feel?"

Your hearts thudding harshly against your chest and you wish it would shut up because you can't think. Fuck. You think you're going to cry. Yep. You feel the back of your eyes sting and you blink several times and clench your stomach to stop the tears from falling. "You…uh…you make me feel…" you whisper and you can feel your own voice shaking.

Brittany's expression has now fallen and she turns around on the floor to look at you.

"I…I told you nobody makes me feel like you do. You make me feel so big, yet so small. So special and important yet so god damn insignificant, you make me feel like I'm falling when I'm standing still and I miss you when you're gone so much it hurts. I feel like I'm sleeping when I'm not with you, that I never really lived till I met you. Every time you laugh or smile at me I swear I think I'm about to die and that I'd actually be OK with that."

She blinks at you and purses her lips, looking away bashfully, and you still feel your heart beating and you think you're about to throw up.

"OK," she says quietly in resignation. "I'll stop flirting with you, if it makes your life easier"

You swallow thickly and nod at her, "thanks"

"But Santana?" she says softly and her eyes lock with your own. "It won't stop you falling in love with me"

Your heart stops and you feel an awkward feeling run down your spine.

"W-w-what? I'm not…" you trail and you just stare at her in disbelief. Your heart starts pounding hard against your chest and you can almost feel the blood rush to your cheeks and your ears. "How dare you just assume…" you trail again because you have no idea what you want to say, your whole body is in a panic like it's switching frantically between embarrassment, realization and anger.

You decide to go with anger.

"I…I'm not falling in love with you" you scoff and frown at her. "Geez, could you be more fucking arrogant?"

Brittany's eyes sink to the floor and suddenly she looks a lot more miserable. "So, you're not falling in love with me then?" she whispers and isn't even looking at you. You can't tell if she pities you or if she's actually hurt. "It's just how you just described your feelings just now sounds a lot like…" she trails too and doesn't finish her sentence.

You don't think you've ever felt your own anger disperse so quickly in all your life. You feel your muscles loosen and you exhale feeling the anger leave your body. You get up from the bed and kneel down on the floor so you're sitting opposite her.

"I don't know the answer to that question," you say honestly.

She nods a little and looks up at you, her usually calm blue eyes now dark and stormy.

You suddenly remember she was really sad yesterday; you've been so fucking self-involved that you forgot.

"Are you feeling better today? You seemed pretty upset yesterday"

"Oh, yeah I suppose. You just reopened old wounds I guess" she says quietly and looks away from you.

"Sorry about that" you mumble, feeling genuine guilt.

She looks back at you and her face suddenly looks brighter as her lips form a large grin. "It's OK, you kissed them better"

You give a nervous laugh and feel like your heart has sprouted wings and is now fluttering around your chest. Holy fuck.

"You better go," she says, her smile faltering and falling a little. "Get some breakfast and head out, you've got a long drive back"

"Yeah" you say tonelessly. You don't want to leave. "I wish you were coming back," you admit to her, your heart still fluttering in a way that it's beginning to make you feel uncomfortable.

"I am" she says simply and smiles at you politely.

"W-what?" you ask stunned and you can't help but grin. "You're coming back? You'll come back and counsel me?" you ask excitedly.

"No"

"What? Why not?" you frown at her feeling confused.

"I'm technically still on vacation, but I have no intention of resuming my counseling sessions with you Santana, like I said, I want you to stick with Emma for a while"

You grumble feeling stupidly rejected. "But you're coming back to the city right?"

"Yeah, Mrs. Evans says she doesn't need three weeks of my help" Brittany says with a small smile.

"When will I see you again?" you ask quickly. OK so she may not be counseling you but she's not going to be in a different state, this can only be good.

Brittany tilts her head and her eyes shift like she's thinking, "You have my number I guess, besides…I'll be around" she says ambiguously.

You just nod at her as you stand up. Sensing the conversation has come to an end you walk slowly to the door. You turn around before adding "Hey Britt? It makes me really happy you're not going to be so far away from me"

Fuck. What's with all the honesty and feelings and stuff lately?

"Oh I don't know about that Santana, I still think I'm pretty far away from you" she sighs back.

You feel the wings in your heart die and sink down and you frown and open your mouth to reply but she quickly presses the hair-dryer on and it blasts loudly throughout the room.

You leave feeling confused about what she meant.

After you have breakfast, Brittany says she's taking Lucy for a walk and going to check something on the farm. Mr. and Mrs. Evans are going into town, so you can't leave just yet. You head upstairs to start packing your things and you can't help but feel a little down. You walk by Brittany's room and you notice the door is open, feeling curiosity tug at you, you double check the corridor and creep inside.

You smirk looking at the messy bed, you only wish you got to sleep in it again, beside her. You walk around and look on top of her dresser, you make a mental note to yourself to not check anywhere near the region of the top drawer after last time. Once again you find she doesn't have any pictures, which you guess isn't that odd since this isn't her home. Then again she didn't have any in her actual home either. You wonder if she's even got any family left, since she practically grew up an orphan. Your heart pangs horribly, you really want to hug her but she's not here.

A red binder that's lying under the bed catches your eye. You kneel down and drag it out from under. You look at the cover:

Counseling Notes

2012-2013

Brittany S. Pierce

Staff Number: 48709 Room: 47

You stare at it in wonder and you begin to feel nervous. Maybe your notes are in this? You chew your nails and spend a good few minutes looking between the door and the folder in your hands. Fuck it.

You open the folder and it's tagged in alphabetical order, you flip the pages quickly for fear of getting caught and you jump to the 'L' section.

"Lopez, Lopez, Lopez…ah" you mumble and finally come to your notes.

Should you really be doing this?

You take the sheets of paper out the sleeve and you read the first page any way, it's dated the same day you first met her.

'Santana Lopez. 25. Patient is currently not on any medication and has had no previous mental illness or psychiatric treatment. Patient on first analysis seems to be suffering from stress, anxiety and bouts of depression. Danger for long term illness if not handled appropriately. Sleep pattern is disturbed and mood seems erratic. Seems to have an arrogant façade to hide her low self-esteem. Patient is not happy with personal situations at home or at work and seems to be bitter with her surroundings. Psychiatric intervention is not needed at this time. Treatment plan consists of regular cognitive behavioural therapy, medication and relaxation methods as well as covering of certain topics and building of both short term and long term goals...'

You flip the page harshly and feel kind of annoyed. Is this how she sees you?

You skim over more notes from later meetings, most of it seemingly complicated but certain paragraphs catch your eye.

'…Patient seems to have an alter-ego complex; high expectations of herself that it has become a vicious cycle of expectations vs. reality resulting in her never meeting her own expectations. External pressure and internal pressure are both accountable for this. Patient is stubborn and very self-aware, getting her to mentally break away from her negative style of thinking will require approximately 8-10 sessions, possibly more…'

You wonder if all her notes are this cold. You flip over again and another part catches your eye.

'…Patient seems confused about her sexual identity. Appears to be conflicted over romantic and possible sexual feelings for that of the same gender. Her own relationship experience seems limited and lacking in depth. Patient may have confused or romanticized close platonic relationship with her fiancée from a young age and mistaken or willed herself into believing it is a romantic relationship by default…'

You feel the paper slip from your hand and you stare into space, your mouth open a little. You feel so confused and angry with her. How dare she just assume things? Is this what she fucking thinks of you? How dare she belittle your relationship with Sam, it's not like that. It can't be. She has to be wrong.

You're about to stash the notes away when you see at the bottom of each page there's a little sentence or two, and before each it says 'personal note'. You quickly flip back to the first page again and you read the first personal note from your first meeting with Brittany.

'Personal note: I'm not a believer in love at first sight but I'm beginning to question that now. This woman I met today is the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on.'

You feel yourself laugh and your heart rise a little. You blush and shake your head. Is this what she thought of you when she first met you? Ugh. You feel kind of relieved because you thought your instant connection to her had been one sided. You flip through the rest of the pages eagerly and read more:

'Personal note: Session went well today. Santana followed me to the park after work though. I'm flattered really, but I have no idea what this woman's intentions are. She could be straight and even if she's not, I fear I might read too much into things and she's just developed a great bond of trust with me. I just hope she doesn't become too instantly attached, that could lead to problems. A twist of fate has brought us together though, it turns out the ranch I purchased belongs to her fiancée's relatives.'

You feel your stomach sink and you roll your eyes at yourself. You knew stalking her to that fucking park was a bad idea. You look forward and read another:

'Personal note: Checked out the ranch and most seems to be well. Being there with Santana made one thing very clear though, she's definitely attracted to me, and I'm attracted to her. I hope this is a silly crush on a 'straight' woman.'

'Personal note: This woman makes my adrenaline go faster than when I'm riding bike, which you know, is pretty darn fast. I need to be careful here, this has never happened to me before'

'Personal note: We've definitely crossed a line; I thought we could safely dance around it but we've, no scratch that, I've crossed a line. I could lose my job over this if she reports me. I wish I didn't like her so much. She's engaged to be married, but it's like I can't keep away from her.'

You read more and more and you grin like an idiot as her attraction and feelings become more and more evident through her writing. You arrive at the last one and you gulp a little as it simply reads:

'Personal note: The things I want to do to this woman'

Well then.

You feel slightly guilty now because you've completely intruded on her privacy but you couldn't help yourself. You quickly stow the notes away and slide it under the bed where they were.

Awhile later you say your goodbyes to Mr. and Mrs. Evans once they return and you have your stuff packed back up. You go down to the kitchen and Brittany's standing by the table, bouncing on her feet looking a little nervous.

You put your suitcase down on the floor and simply stare at her. She bats her lashes at you bashfully as she runs her index finger along the wooden table.

You eye her and feel a smirk form on your face, "what're you thinking?" you ask coyly sensing nothing but mischief from her.

"I'm thinking I could fuck you so hard over this table you won't be able to walk for a week" she smirks.

Your stomach feels like a damn yo-yo when it comes spiralling upwards then plummets downwards.

"I…uh…" you stutter out and feel yourself blush. "You said you wouldn't-"

"Flirt with you?" she smirks. "Yeah I know sorry, I thought I'd say one last flirty type thing to you, besides I don't think that counts, that's what I was genuinely thinking, honest" she says in candid innocence. "Because then I was thinking how you would get a splinter out from…certain places…" she giggles a little.

You grin stupidly at her. Ugh. She's so damn cute.

You can't deal with her.

"I guess I'll see you soon or whatever," you say eventually.

"Yeah"

You move forward to hug her or something but she shakes her head at you. "Wouldn't want you doing something stupid now, would we?" she quirks her eyebrow.

You roll your eyes playfully at her. "Sure, hey look Brittany, I just want you to know, that I had the best time ever this weekend" you admit quietly to her.

"Yeah," she agrees kindly "me too" she smiles.

You get the feeling that she meant it and wasn't just saying it to be polite.

On the drive back home you think about nothing other than yet again replaying the day before in your head, trying desperately to soak up and keep hold of every memory like it's fresh in your mind. The taste of her lips against yours, but it's like holding water and you find some details slip away.

Just another reason why you want to kiss her again.

You come home from work on Monday and you're actually really glad you're seeing Emma tomorrow; you need to tell someone about the weekend. Quinn was off sick today so you got to enjoy your coffee in peace. Fuck. You'll have to tell Quinn too. She's not going to be happy.

You're lying snuggled up to Sam on the sofa and you feel kind of numb. You still can't believe the weekend happened. You receive a text message from Quinn and it reads:

Bridesmaids dress shopping at the weekend, u up for it? You'll probably now have 2 invite Brittany I guess

You stare at the screen and you wonder if Quinn is pissed. It's not like you wanted Brittany to be your goddamn bridesmaid. You type your reply:

Sure xx

Yeah. You aren't really the texting or talkative type.

You wonder though, should you text and ask Brittany? You feel awkward asking her over text. Maybe you should quickly go round to hers and ask before you head to bed.

"Something wrong? Who's texting you?" Sam asks, stirring you out your senses.

"Brittany," you quickly lie. "She wants me to come over to plan dress shopping at the weekend"

Holy fucking hell. Not only did you just lie your pants off, you did it almost without thinking. You really are a certified cheater.

"Oh, you sure you want her as another bridesmaid?" he asks.

"Yeah why? I mean she's my friend so" you say pretty defensively.

Sam chuckles a little and you feel his stomach move beneath you. "I know Santana, I like Brittany. I was just checking if you were OK with it"

You feel your stomach simmer with guilt.

"Oh yeah…it's fine…"

You kiss him on the cheek. "I'll be an hour at most, won't be long"

You get a taxi over and you feel nervous as you begin to walk up the stairs in her apartment block. Is it really OK if you just show up uninvited? It's a Monday night but what if she isn't even in? Isn't it a bit creepy you already want to see her even though you just said goodbye yesterday?

You knock at her door and you hear movement inside. You wring your fingers together and feel nervous.

The door opens but you're not met with Brittany. Rachel, wearing nothing but what looks like one of Brittany's sweaters is in front of you instead.

You open your mouth and stare at her as the blood drains from your face.

"Santana right? You're here to see Brittany or something?" she asks and twiddles her hair around one of her fingers looking bored by your presence.

You feel like airs not entering your lungs and you just shake your head and begin to walk away feelings numb. Brittany was with her? How could she just…

You feel like you're going to throw up.

You stumble back down the hall and you hear her call after you but you're not really listening.

You've never felt so sick and jealous in all your life. Fuck everything. Your heart pangs horribly in your chest and for the first time in your entire fucking life you think it's been broken. It feels so hollow. Your limbs feel heavy as you walk numbly down the stairs. You feel like crying because slowly you're beginning to realize that you don't play the role in Brittany's life that you want to. That the one you're in now just isn't enough.

You reach the bottom level and you realize you have to call a cab to get back; you're about to leave the building when you hear someone clamour down the stairs behind you.

"Santana?" comes Brittany's worried voice.

You sigh and turn around. Brittany's coming quickly down the stairs, she's wearing a cute pink woollen cardigan with jean shorts and you can't help but feel a smile twitch your lips when you realize she's ran out of her place without any shoes on.

"Rachel said you were here, is something wrong?" she asks, now standing in front of you and looking a little out of breath.

"Oh you know," you begin dryly and shrug. "Nothing, just clearly you are Rachel are having sex so I thought fuck it"

Wow. Bitter much?

"Wait what?" Brittany says frowning.

You roll your eyes at her playing dumb.

"Come on up Santana, I think we should talk" she says to you calmly.

"Uh…no thanks, I don't want to interrupt your alone time with your midget" you snarl at her and cross your arms.

"Her names Rachel" Brittany says to you flatly. "And she's just leaving, she's going home, I won't ask again – come up and we'll talk"

You roll your eyes but you find yourself following her because it's pretty hard to say no to anything she says.

Once you get to the threshold, Rachel's actually got on pants this time and is walking out. "It was nice seeing you again Santana" she smiles awkwardly at you.

OK, well now you feel a little guilty because she seems sincere. Brittany waves her a way and you walk into Brittany's place. Whatever. You don't fucking care.

"Look," you sigh as soon as you hear the door shut behind you, "I know I have absolutely no right to be jealous, I'm with Sam, you're single, you're allowed to be with whoever you want, but I just hate the thought of you with her, OK? I don't like. There I said it. I'm fucking jealous" you rant at her and fold your arms.

The silence creeps by and she's just looking at you with a serious expression on her face.

She clears her throat a little and shifts on her feet. "Are you done?"

You feel like your mother is scolding you as a child.

"Uh…yeah…that's it" you say awkwardly and lean against the back of the sofa.

Brittany walks to the kitchen door and leans back on the door frame, looking at you in a way that reminds you of the way she looks at you in room 47. Like she's studying you.

"You're right about me and Rachel but you're also wrong. Not that my personal life is any of your business but yes, Rachel and me are friends, but whenever we're both not in relationships we have casual sex. It's nothing serious, I don't have serious relationships, and I enjoy sex with my friends. Having said that Rachel and me haven't had sex recently, she came over because she was free today and we hung around in here doing nothing. I think I spent at least half the day talking to her about you. She went to kiss me and for the first time ever, I said no. I told her I was too hung up on someone else, so I spent forever talking about you. So whatever Santana, your childish jealously wasn't needed today" she says and gives a cold shrug.

"I…oh…" you sigh and you're suddenly trying to take all this information in. "You could have kissed her if you want," you begin, feeling guilty, "you're right it's none of my business" you say quietly.

You should just fucking leave.

"Yeah well, it's not your problem I don't want to be with anyone else because of you"

"What?" you ask and you feel your heart stop.

There's a brief silence and you feel like you could hear a pin drop.

"What?" she parrots back.

"Y-y-you don't want to be with anyone else?" you ask and your voice is trembling.

Oh fuck.

"Oh," she sighs shyly and runs her hand down the door frame, "Uhm, no not really. I want to be with you."

"You want to be with me?" you repeat and you feel like it isn't sinking in at all.

"I want to be with you," she whispers back and her eyes soften.

"What do you mean? Like, what would that mean? You being with me…" you ask and you roll your eyes at your own question.

You're scared that you've just somehow misunderstood her.

Brittany suddenly doesn't look as standoffish and she laughs softly, tilting her head to the side. Slowly, she comes walking toward you and you feel your heart beat louder with every step she takes.

"Well…" she drawls out and a thoughtful smile dances across her lips and she looks up in thought almost as if lost in them. "It means I'd be able to hold you like this" she says softly as she comes to a standstill right in front of you and wraps her arms around your waist.

You immediately tense up at her touch as you feel her hands clasp behind your back, and you feel the warmth of her front press into you. You don't know what to do with your hands so you place them on her arms. She's standing here with her arms wrapped around you and you feel all tingly. You can't breathe. You want to run the fuck away but you feel your boobs graze against hers and instead you lean into her, needing to be closer.

"It means I'd cheer you up when you feel down, and it means we'd go walks in the park. We'd hug on the sofa and watch movies together, play games together, go shopping together and go out together" she says softly and she starts rubbing one of her hands up and down the small of your back and you feel light-headed a little. The motion is putting you into a trance and you feel yourself just melt into her.

"We'd meet each others friends and stuff and eat ice cream together, and we'd argue about who uses the bathroom first in the morning" she says softly and you watch her lips form a larger smile. Bright blue eyes fall down to your lips and her voice drops lower. "I'd make love to you every night, we'd take baths together and I'd do things to you you've never even dreamt of before" she breathes and her face is suddenly closer.

You actually fucking swoon and grip her arms tighter. You're completely hypnotized.

"We'd take vacations together, and you'd put sunscreen on me and I'd hold your hair back if you got drunk and threw up in the toilet" she smirks and her eyes are back on yours.

You give an uneven laugh as you find yourself drowning in her words. Your stomachs doing a million things, it feels like an invisible hand is just using it as its personal squeeze ball.

"I'd take you to nice bars too, and then we'd argue because I'd make you start walking Lucy and you don't want to get up that early on Sunday but you'd do it anyway because it's me, but sometimes we'd lie in after hours of me fucking you senseless and then I'd kiss you on the forehead and make you some of my super awesome yummy waffles" she smiles and she's now so close she's breathing the words against your face. "I'd hug you a lot and hold your hand, and we'd make plans and we'd just be…together…"

Your hearts thumping around inside your entire body and you just blink slowly at her, completely lost. You feel a tear slide down your own cheek; you're startled because you didn't even feel it coming.

"Wow…" you breathe out shakily and she stills her hand on your back once more.

You don't know what to say, you don't think you've ever heard such a perfect combination of words. You're so enamored by everything she is.

"Why are you crying gorgeous?" she smiles at you calmly as she brings a hand back round and she gently wipes away the tear that's now at your chin.

Every time she touches you the blood and cells beneath your skin buzz in excitement.

"Because," you say quietly and you can't fucking stand this anymore. "If I wasn't sure before I'm sure now, I think I am falling in love with you"

"Mhmm," Brittany makes an ecstatic humming sound as she smiles wide and serenely at you. "That's good because I'm falling in love with you too"

Your whole body just feels like flailing as your mind turns to a blissful mush. You don't think you've ever felt happier in your entire life, and it seems too good to be true you're expecting something to come along and burst your bubble or for Brittany to suddenly say she's joking.

Brittany sighs then steps away from you and you instantly miss her touch. "But, you should probably leave before I do something stupid" she smiles and chuckles a little.

"You?" you say surprised and can't help but grin at her. "But you said you'd never initiate anything"

"Well, I'm finding that increasingly harder" she smirks at you and twirls shyly on the spot.

You laugh a little and nod. You feel sadness and reality bring you back down to earth. "Sam's all I've ever known" you admit quietly, "I can't just leave him…can I?"

You don't know if you're actually asking her or of it's just rhetorical.

She sighs sadly and looks away, "the decision is yours Santana, you know what I want, but what is it you want? Do you want a life with me or with him? You can't have both, I can't have all of you if you share yourself with someone else too, and if I can't have all of you then it's not worth having"

Fuck.

You swallow thickly and you try not to fucking cry and wonder how you got so damn lucky to have a women like this have all these feelings for you.

"Sam and I have been together for almost ten years, he was my first – my first time having sex, my first date, my first friend, my first prom. I don't know what I'd do without him, he's always just been there," you divulge further and you start to feel nauseas with guilt again. "Then there's the money my parents have put into the wedding, and…and Sam's face if he ever found out…" you say more quickly and you think you're beginning to panic.

"Santana," Brittany's soft voice calls out to you and you feel yourself become instantly calmer. You chew your lip in apprehension as her eyes scan your face. "I know you're confused and the situation is messy and honestly I'm asking a lot from you, but just think about it. I want you to be happy above all else, if being with Sam makes you happy, happier than it does than being with me then I'll just have to accept that"

Your stomach whirls because you don't think, especially recently, Sam's ever made you as happy as Brittany has. So much so you just want to be with her all the damn time. You wonder what the hell happened and how it all came to this. Did you feel this way about Sam once and it just faded? You don't think so; at least, you don't think you can remember. You don't ever remember feeling this way about anyone or anything in your entire damn life.

"You make me so happy Britt, I feel like I'm delirious with happiness…or something…" you mumble and you feel yourself blush and look away.

You hear her giggle faintly.

"You have a lot to think about" Brittany says and there's a tone of finality in her voice.

You sense it's time to leave.

You do and find yourself heading to the nearest bar instead of instantly back home. You've never even been to this place before but you just need a drink to settle your nerves.

You order scotch on the rocks and you swig it back. You can't just leave Sam for another women, can you? What would everyone say behind your back? Your parents would flip their shit of that you're certain. They'll all think you're crazy, especially if they find out Brittany's also your therapist. Are you crazy? You must be for even thinking about contemplating it. Then again you can't help but remember Brittany's words and you never knew you wanted something so badly until she said all of those things. It just feels so right. You finish your drink and order another. You've got work tomorrow but you don't find yourself caring. You want out that damn place anyway.

"Hey darlin'" a scruff voice from your side suddenly says.

You stare down at your drink but from the corner of your eye you can tell it's a lame guy trying to hit on you.

"Go away" you say flatly and take another drink.

"Hey, I haven't even asked you your-"

"Not interested" you say more loudly.

"Well shit, can't blame a guy for tryin', what are you a lez or something?" he grunts and walks away from you.

Your heart stops and you feel like your eyes are about to pop out from your damn head. Your hands start to shake and you think you're panicking. Do you look like one? How did he know? Did he know anything about you, did you send off a vibe or something? You feel so offended, embarrassed and ashamed. You finish your drink and storm the hell out. You get a taxi home and the driver is eyeing you in the mirror. Fuck. Can he see it too? What if Sam can see it? What if everyone starts asking questions? You can't do this. You really just fucking can't. When you arrive outside your apartment block your hands are shaking handing over the money and the driver gives you a weird look. Why is everyone fucking looking at you? You can't breathe. You need to get inside.

You climb the stairs and once again your legs feel like led. You feel so exhausted from the high and lows of the past few days that you don't know what to do with yourself. You're freaking out. You can't be gay. Why did that guy say that though? You told another woman you were falling love with her. With your hands still trembling you reach into your pocket and grab out your phone, you send a text message to Brittany with two simple words in it:

I can't

You switch off your phone so she won't phone you back and you hurry inside the apartment. Sam is lying on the sofa watching TV.

"Hey," he calls out to you, "thought I'd wait up for you I-"

His words are cut off when you find yourself hurrying toward him and you've already climbed on top so you're straddling his hips.

"Wow, Santana what are you-"

"Shut up" you say quickly and start to unzip the fly on his jeans.

"What's gotten into you?"

"Ssshh" you say quickly, "don't say a word and just fuck me" you say in a desperate, panicky haze.

You can't do any of this.

You just can't.