Ok darlings, it is Christmas so no chapter for a couple of days probably. Happy holidays and don't hate me yet;-) This one is rough for our Damon…

Chapter 11 TNB

A day passed and Damon was dragged for increasingly more horrible experimentations. It was as though they were doing it to punish him. Perhaps they were. He'd been the only person to escape this prison, so perhaps they were torturing him more viciously to prevent him from trying anything like that again. Stefan tried to fight them each time they came, but he was too weak. He'd been feeding Damon his blood too, trying to help him hold on. The pitiful amount of blood given to them daily, didn't make much of a difference to Damon's healing – especially when they were removing pieces of his organs.

This wasn't science. This was revenge mixed in and Stefan began to beg for them to cut him instead. Why always Damon? Why did they only take him and drain some blood? Damon never blamed him, in fact he barely spoke at all, the pain was so intense.

"Talk to me. I'm driving myself crazy with the sound of my own voice here." Stefan stroked Damon's forehead gently.

Damon swallowed.

"I don't want you to comfort me Stefan." He struggled.

They kept removing his vocal chords so he couldn't scream and today it had taken a lot if Stefan's blood to get his throat working again.

"Tough." Stefan said, holding him in his lap tighter and Damon gave a weak smile. "Not everything's about you."

Damon looked up at him.

"I need this too." Stefan added and Damon searched his eyes for a long moment before closing them again.

"I never thought I'd see you again." Damon mumbled and Stefan chewed his lip. "After…"

"I know. So did I." Stefan admitted.

They fell silent as Stefan wondered if Damon really wanted to have this conversation finally.

"I'm sorry I assumed…you wanted me too." Stefan said nervously and Damon exhaled.

Stefan waited for him to respond but he didn't.

"Isn't there something you want to add?" He prompted and Damon opened his eyes.

"No."

"No?" Stefan said in disbelief. "You don't think you over-reacted a little?"

Damon cringed in pain and tried to roll onto his side, off of Stefan's lap and Stefan let him as he looked at him incredulously.

"My baby brother tried to sleep with me, I don't think it was an over-reaction." He said and Stefan huffed.

He couldn't believe how thick-headed he was! Damon crawled a little distance away from him and turned his back as Stefan tried not to let anger over take his reasoning. He had to keep reminding himself that although he didn't think of Damon as a brother, Damon did still see him as the old Stefan. Damon's reaction was logical, as much as he hated to admit that.

"Why did you let me kiss you then?"

"Because you begged me." Was his response.

"I didn't beg you to lie down and let me touch you. You didn't stop me then." Stefan pointed out and Damon groaned.

"I didn't know you were going to do that. You told me you didn't have those kind of thoughts about me."

"I didn't know what I felt. If you'd given me a chance to explain that, you would have known."

"It wouldn't have changed anything Stefan. I can't give you what you want."

"And you know what that is I suppose? Like you know everything, everything about me. Well, newsflash Damon, I am not the same guy you remember. I never have been. I may be your brother but you're not mine. I don't remember that."

"It doesn't mean that I'm not Stefan." Damon looked back at him and Stefan held his stare until he averted his eyes.

"I just wanted to be close to you, that's all. I didn't have a plan. You were just the only person I felt connected to."

Silence fell between them.

"Why do you feel like that towards me?" Damon whispered, his body tightening.

"I don't know." Stefan sighed. "Perhaps something is wrong with me, like you said."

Damon turned back to look at him.

"No, I didn't mean that. I just…"

"I get it. I repel you." Stefan looked down at the ground.

"I just…don't understand how you could love me like that. I'm your brother, I'm a dude."

"Why does that matter?"

"It just does." Damon frowned.

"I don't have a preference for a gender all of a sudden if that's what you're thinking. I still find girls attractive, I just…don't feel anything for anyone. Everyone is blank." Stefan explained, wringing his hands together as he tried to put his feelings into words.

"Dissociative amnesia." Damon said.

"Huh?"

"That's what this is. I've been reading, trying to understand." Stefan sat up straighter and looked to him in interest. "There's nothing wrong with your brain, the memories are still in there, it's the trauma that has shut them out. Some people who experience it can have problems identifying with who they were. Personality changes can happen because of that."

"Is it permanent?"

"There's treatment – for humans anyway but mostly therapy to deal with the trauma and allow your brain to let you remember again." Damon watched for his response and Stefan stared back at him blankly.

"You want him back don't you?" Stefan said after a minute and Damon turned back to him fully, frowning. "You want me to talk to a shrink so you can have him back again and you can get on with your life and forget anything about me."

"Stefan, I…" Damon said sounding guilty and confused and Stefan clenched his jaw and fought tears as he nodded.

"I don't want it back, don't you understand? That guy, the things that happened to him…I don't want to remember that. He had nothing by the end. Nothing. His life was shattered."

"He didn't have nothing Stefan. I mean…you didn't have nothing. You had friends, you had me. You had…"

"You and my girlfriend were hooking up under my nose and as far as I can tell, I was on my way the hell out of there to escape you." Stefan said pointedly.

"What?" Damon frowned. "Do you remember?"

"It doesn't take a genius to guess what he would have done. Me? I'd have stayed and dealt with it. I'd probably have used you as a punching bag for a while first, but that's me. That who I am."

Damon closed his eyes and shook his head defeated. There was no convincing Stefan that he was still the same person. He had clearly divided himself from his memory.

"If you could see me as someone who wasn't your brother…" Stefan paused as Damon looked at him nervously. "Could you feel something for me?"

The gate creaked and brought both of their hearts into their throats as they looked to each other in fear. Not Damon again, please!

They came to the cell and Damon actually began to shake. Stefan stood up and came to Damon's side protectively.

"Trouble in paradise? You two don't look as chummy as earlier?" The man said and Stefan clenched his jaw.

"It's my turn today. He can't take anymore without more blood!"

"No worries, there's a table for both of you today. No waiting." The man said and they looked to each other in fear.

The second man came forward and they both entered. Damon began to hyperventilate and Stefan reached for him.

"Come on, the quicker we do this, the faster you are both back here together. Come on."

They knew they couldn't fight. They were both marched up the stairs, Stefan helping Damon walk, only to be pulled apart and separated into different rooms.

"Please! He's had enough. Please!" Stefan shouted, but he was ignored and strapped to the metal table like usual.

Both men were in discussion once Damon was placed in his room. Stefan strained against the straps to hear what they were saying.

"…phase 4?"

"Tomorrow."

Phase 4. What the hell was phase 4? He remembered them mentioning it that first day he'd blabbed that they were siblings. He had no idea, but he knew that it wasn't going to be good. Damon had called the doctor 'Mengele'. How apt that had been. A name that instilled fear, unparalleled in the world.

Stefan tried not to think on some of the survivors of that camp in Auschwitz. He'd met a few through the years and their stories were more horrific than anything he'd ever seen or experienced in his vampire life – and that was saying a lot. Humans had an enormous capacity for evil, vampires were kittens in comparison sometimes.

The doctor didn't seem to do anything different this time. He drained more of his blood as Stefan groaned and struggled. Less blood to heal Damon. As always there was another blood bag attached to his I.V. He had tried to ask what was so different about it. Was the doctor simply draining his blood and then putting some back in again? That didn't make any sense. Then he thought on the notorious Dr Mengele and his experiments on twins and siblings. Perhaps this was Damon's blood being put back into him after Stefan's was removed? What would that prove?

He was utterly unable to walk when he was returned to his cell. They dropped him onto the floor and he lifted his head looking for Damon. Damon wasn't here. He hadn't heard him scream either. He hoped that they hadn't cut his vocal chords again. It looked so painful. He pushed himself to a seated position and breathed, grateful for the support the wall gave him and he waited.

He waited for what felt like an hour before he started to worry.

"Hey!" He shouted. "Where's is he?!"

His voice echoed throughout the basement. He wondered how big it really was. Were there others here, locked away like they were?

Finally, the gate creaked and he sat more upright. There was no dragging sound and Stefan perked up, hoping Damon could walk and therefore it meant that he may not be so badly hurt this time. He stood up in fear when he saw why Damon wasn't being dragged. He was being carried by them both. He gasped and they opened the door and threw him in.

Stefan went to him and shouted in horror when he saw his face. His eyes were bleeding and his vocal chords had yet again been cut. He dragged him into his lap and cooed at him. There was so much blood on his cheeks, Stefan knew it could mean only one thing. His eyes…his eyes had been…He couldn't even contemplate it.

"Damon?" He sniffled, biting his wrist and placing it to Damon's lips.

Damon drank, but the more he drank, the more pain he felt. Healing was just as painful as the event. If it was human blood, it would be over much quicker but Stefan only had his own to share and not much of it.

Damon's face crumpled and he covered his eyes with his hands as Stefan tried to get him to breathe. Damon let out a soundless sob.

"Elena please find us." Stefan said up to the ceiling. "Please, Elena."

Damon couldn't speak, he couldn't see and that loss struck him harder than any other pain they'd inflicted upon him. Stefan couldn't imagine it. Well, actually, he guessed he could. Being in that safe for so long, there was no light. He couldn't see even his owns hands as he'd pounded on the lid and his screams made no real sound in the water.

Everything Damon had said about not wanting to be comforted vanished immediately as Stefan enfolded him in his arms and held him, kissing his head and whispering comforting thoughts. Damon grabbed a fistful of Stefan's shirt in his hand that he wouldn't surrender and Stefan moved them over along the floor to the wall so he could lean against it.

Damon had never looked so small and scared. Stefan wept for him.

"You're eyes will heal. Your eyes will heal." Stefan cooed to him. "Just relax and let them grow again."

They stayed holding each other as Stefan rocked him for hours. Damon trembled violently and Stefan began to try to distract him.

"When I was in that safe, I couldn't see anything but the blackness." Stefan comforted and Damon tightened his hold on his shirt. "I used to try and visualise somewhere beautiful. Somewhere I felt safe."

Damon turned his head into Stefan's chest and pressed his face against his skin.

"There was this place that came to me quite a lot. It was near a waterfall. The sun was really bright and warm on my skin. It felt calming. Grass under my bare feet and a little sand between my toes. I would pretend I could stand up and look at the sky. I'd pretend I could do anything – any kind of movement that the safe wouldn't allow me. I could somersault, swim, run…"

Damon exhaled against his chest and Stefan leaned his head against his.

"Think of a place. Where do you feel safe?" Stefan urged and Damon shook his head. "There must be somewhere. Some place that you feel at home?"

"Home." Damon croaked and Stefan smiled that his voice had returned.

"We'll get back there and then I'll take you to find my waterfall. Deal?"

Damon nodded, his face still pressed into Stefan's chest.

"Maybe we can start over." Stefan whispered and Damon nodded again. "Can you try something for me?"

Stefan swallowed nervously and Damon squeezed his shirt hold in response.

"Can you just try and get to know me? I know I'm technically still the same guy you've always known but that guy…isn't me. I don't want his memories or baggage. I just want to be who I am now. I can't be your brother."

Damon let go of his shirt and tilted his face up at him, trying to open his eyes. Stefan held his breath in fear that he would see nothing inside those sockets, but he relaxed when he saw that Damon had no intention of opening them. He stroked Damon's cheek softly.

"Do you really mean that?" Damon croaked. "You don't want to be my brother?" There was pain in Damon's expression and Stefan didn't know whether it was a result of physical pain or emotional.

"I'm sorry." He answered and Damon seemed grieved.

"Even when I didn't have anything else, I still had you." Damon seemed to be speaking more to himself.

"Your brother seemed to blame you for a lot of things. He spoke of you in those journals as a monster, someone out to ruin his life."

"Yeah, he was a barrel of fun." Damon gave a weak smile. "For a long time that was true though and then Elena…I just, I've never been loved back. I just couldn't let her go. I knew how much it would hurt you…him…and I still did it anyway."

"I don't remember. My life began when you pulled me from that safe and took care of me."

Damon grunted and pressed his face back into Stefan's chest again and Stefan gave him a squeeze. Damon didn't speak for a while, falling asleep as he wound his arms around Stefan's middle and held him. Stefan smiled to himself at the embrace. He couldn't help but feel like maybe Damon would finally understand him now. He'd laid his cards on the table and he'd been realistic about what he could expect from Damon. Of course Damon couldn't love back someone he thought of as his brother. If he could just let go of Stefan Salvatore and get to know him. Maybe they could be friends. He wanted more than that, there was no doubt, but he'd never explore it if Damon didn't want to. That was the best scenario from this situation. Perhaps being here had done them both a favour of sorts. It had brought them together again.

The blood arrived and the man who brought it to them stood and observed the way they were holding each other as though he was touched by it. Stefan had no doubt that these men had no conscience however – not when it came to vampires. Vampires were just rodents who didn't have feelings. Still, the way the man was looking in, Stefan felt a slight ray of hope.

Keeping his voice low and calm, so as not to rouse Damon he spoke to him.

"Please. Don't hurt him anymore." His emotion was reflected in his tone and it took the man by surprise.

He sat down the small glasses of blood and left, seeming a little rattled and Stefan let out a sigh. He'd let Damon sleep a little while before he moved him. The pain had been so exhausting for him.

He lay his head back and listened to the gate creaking open upstairs as the man exited, when he heard a whisper.

"They're ready."