A/N: I'm willing to bet that this chapter is what everyone reading this story has been waiting for. If not, then I'm surprised you're here. Enjoy! And as usual, a huge thank you to Jezebel Jai-Braxlin for beta reading this chapter.
November 15th, 2009
Sometime in the past several weeks, fall had arrived in the Pacific Northwest. I hadn't noticed it happening until suddenly it was autumn, and the season hit me with full force.
One of the students from the high school was throwing a huge party for most of the high school students in La Push. I could hear Seth and Al getting ready for it down the hall, laughing together. All the worries Seth had voiced to me back in August had disappeared. At least outwardly.
Seth never acted worried about Al anymore. They were just together and happy. It was as easy as that.
I was happy for them, but I also kind of hated them at the moment. My own life was complete shit in comparison to the idyllic romance they'd managed to create.
This hadn't been like the last time Embry tried to confront me about my feelings and failed. This time we continued speaking, but it couldn't stay the same. We couldn't go back to how it had been before, and that was far more apparent this time than it had been the last. The situation was already imploding in just the way I had expected it to.
I sighed as I read through the texts I had exchanged with Rachel earlier that day.
You doing anything tonight? I'd asked. She'd responded with a negative, as expected, and shockingly, had invited me over.
Rachel rarely left her house anymore. She always used the excuse of needing to get work done. It was convenient that she freelanced from home. It allowed her to be a recluse as much as she wanted and still make the money she and Paul needed to pay off the house. But the work excuse could only hold up so many times before it became clear that there was something larger going on.
These days, I never saw Rachel. It was impossible when she never wanted to go out in public or have anyone over. I was lucky if she answered my text messages on any given day. I couldn't believe she'd taken the initiative to invite me over. There was no way I could turn her down.
It was just after sunset as Seth and Al left for their party. Mom and Charlie sat in front of the TV in the living room, although only Charlie was paying attention to what was happening onscreen.
"I'm going to see Rachel," I announced as I entered the living room.
Mom looked up at me, looking as surprised as I felt.
"That's nice," she said. She was trying to make it sound like this wasn't as big of a deal as it was, like Rachel hadn't been avoiding the world for months. "Have fun."
I nodded at her as I went out the door.
The drive to Forks held more familiarity to me than it had in the past. Once I got to town, I almost headed towards work instead of Paul and Rachel's. I hadn't had to travel there since the housewarming party. That had also been one of the last times I saw Rachel.
When I arrived, the house itself looked the same as it had that night except a little messier. That wasn't to say it looked unkempt. It just wasn't in the state of impeccable cleanliness that Rachel had adamantly kept up when they first moved in. Such a sight should have been a welcome sign that the couple was settling in well and that, though the newness of the place was wearing off, it was becoming more like a home.
I didn't take it that way. Everything I knew about Rachel pointed in a more sinister direction: This house hadn't been the fix to all her problems like she had been desperately hoping, and now she was giving up on it. She hadn't been able to make it mean the things she'd wanted it to mean when they'd moved in.
After I knocked, it took a long time for Rachel to answer. Just as I was about to try again, the door opened, and Rachel stood in front of me. She looked…fine. I felt terrible that I was surprised. She looked well rested and healthy. Aside from a slight look in her eye that hinted at something darker, she could have passed as being her normal self.
She looked me up and down, and I squirmed under her gaze. It was the first time she'd seen me in months, and she was inspecting me as if looking for a fault.
"You're looking well put together then?" she asked once she'd stepped aside to let me into the house.
It sounded judgmental, as if she was judging me when I had yet to say a thing. Such a thing should have been difficult for her to pull off considering the situation.
Without having spoken to her in ages, I could already tell that everything Rachel said tonight was going to be in that tone of voice. I could have pointed out that she was in sweatpants, but something about retaliating that way felt wrong. No matter how mean she was to me, I couldn't forget about how scared some of her recent behavior had left me.
"I don't know," I replied simply. "I don't think this is any different than what I usually wear, so..."
Rachel accepted the answer with a silent nod as she flopped herself down in an armchair. Paul was already sitting in a chair across the room. I stood off to the side for a second and watched them as they each sat in their own half of the living room. The television was on, and Paul showed little awareness of what was happening around him as he stared at the screen.
After hesitating, I settled down on the couch closer to Rachel's chair than Paul's. I felt like I'd become a barrier between them. I didn't like it.
"How's work?" I wasn't sure, but Rachel might have purposefully been making her voice louder than normal to drown out the TV. I glanced at Paul, who was still showing no sign of responding. He would have yelled at anyone else, but I got the impression he had been taking everything Rachel threw at him with little complaint.
I'd never seen this version of Paul, all quiet and non-confrontational. It scared me.
"Work's fine," I answered. Work was actually going better than fine. I enjoyed it. But I didn't get the impression that being positive would endear me to Rachel. If I told her my life was a living hell, I might have gotten the first genuine smile out of her in months. Not because she wished terrible things on me but because she wanted to know that she wasn't the only one feeling upset about her circumstances.
"That's good." There was no genuineness in her answer. Rachel appeared more like a robot going through a step-by-step guide towards creating a conversation, but they couldn't fit the right emotions in to make it feel genuine.
It might not have been smart, but I took the risk to ask, "How's work been for you?"
Rachel struggled more than she had been to keep her smile on her face.
"Work's good," she insisted, her voice too high. "I'm managing to make more money now than I ever have. That's the great thing about freelancing. I can make as much as I want depending on how much time I put into it. And I can do it from anywhere in the world. I've been putting extra hours in, picking up some extra cash. Thought it might be useful in the future."
She cast a quick glance at Paul when she referenced the future. A slight twitch of his hand hinted that he had heard her, but it was a small enough gesture that Rachel wouldn't have picked up on it. There was also a tightness to Paul's grimace that hadn't been there before. I got the impression that Rachel wasn't picking up just a few extra hours.
"What about outside of work?" Rachel continued on with her faux conversation. She was still putting on that high, false voice that grated on my ears. "What's life been like?"
The question emphasized how little I had spoken to Rachel in recent months, and I felt an ache in my stomach. She was one of my oldest friends, and she was becoming a recluse. I felt a sudden desire to drag her outside to see people, to do something besides sit in her house and work.
"Life's fine," I replied, again sticking to brief responses. The less I said, the better, although I thought Rachel might get some twisted delight out of hearing about the shit state of my romantic life. I would have given it to her when she was looking like this, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about Embry in front of Paul. I was too scared to discover what that would lead to.
"That's great," Rachel said too loudly. "Really great. I'm glad. We haven't gotten to talk much. I guess it's the extra hours I've been doing. Less time to talk to anyone."
There was nothing I could do except nod my head a few times. I could have thrown out that I'd been busy too. It was the standard reply to those sorts of comments, but it wouldn't have been accurate. Yes, I had been working, but my schedule hadn't been what was keeping us from talking. That was all on Rachel's end.
"You haven't been doing much except work then?" I tried to keep my voice innocent, as if it were an honest question and not me fishing for a confirmation of what I already knew. There was a flicker on Rachel's face that I thought was a recognition of my intentions, but she was quick to school her features into something fake again.
"Not really." At least she didn't try to pull of an outright lie. "I enjoy my job though, so it's not that bad."
I knew she wasn't lying. Rachel did love her job. She would talk my ear off about topics that went over my head, using vocabulary I had never heard before. She was one of those people who got paid to do what they loved, and I was envious of that. Surely, that was why Rachel had descended so far into her work recently. It was the only thing in her life she was pleased with. It was all she had.
While I was happy that she enjoyed what she was doing, her answer didn't reassure me. Rachel might have loved her job too much.
Paul made eye contact with me, and I could tell that I had hit the nail on the head. He looked so dejected that even I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.
Switching the television off, Paul stood from his chair.
"I have to head out for patrol," he explained as he stretched.
Rachel smiled at him, an action that managed to surprise me. It was the first of her smiles that looked real since I had entered the house, and that left me feeling better than I had just seconds before. Paul leaned down to kiss her before leaving, and they exchanged 'I love you's.' It felt rather normal and showed nothing that I thought I should be worried about. I couldn't help but stare at Rachel until Paul was out the door.
Imprinting, I reminded myself. It was strange, and I would never understand how it worked.
"So," I said, trying to start up a conversation again. "How is the new house so far?"
Something about Paul being gone felt freeing. I was still holding out hope that I could get more out of Rachel when he wasn't around. Maybe she would admit to sad feelings that she didn't want Paul to know about. But it was a long shot. The imprinted couples never had any secrets from each other. They were open books, and after what I had just seen, I doubted Paul and Rachel were any different, even now.
"It's nice," Rachel replied. Her voice held the same high-pitched quality that it had had since I arrived. She glanced around at what could be seen of the house from where she sat. It was still largely in the state it had been at the party. Nothing about the decor of the place had changed. The only difference was that there was a bit more dust on the side tables and a few dirty dishes in the sink. It didn't look like a display anymore.
Rachel continued, "This was a good choice for us to get started in. I really do like this house."
I could tell she meant it, but I could also pick up on the sense that she was already ready to move on from the starter house. It's time had ended almost as soon as it had begun.
"It seems nice," I replied for lack of anything better to say. I'd complimented the house all I could when they'd first bought it, and there was nothing new to say to her.
Rachel hummed in response. Her demeanor had softened. Maybe she was getting tired of keeping up a pretense and was allowing herself to relax. Her shoulders didn't appear as rigid as she slumped over and gave up her previous posture. Her smile wasn't as wide, even though it remained, and it didn't appear as strained. Seeing her like this, with her walls not quite as high even if they were still there, was more reassuring than what I had been seeing before. I just wasn't sure why that was. Something about the softening of the lie made me feel better about it.
We sat there in silence for several minutes. I was out of things to say, and Rachel didn't appear inclined to talk. Then a sly grin appeared on her face. One that came out of real, not faked amusement.
"How has Embry been?"
My heart began to thump louder than normal, and my stomach knotted up as I tried to figure out how to respond.
"Embry's fine." This time, it was my own voice that sounded off. Rachel caught it too, her grin turning into a smirk.
"I'm sure," she muttered, knowing that I could hear.
"Nothing is happening," I shot back.
It was too defensive. I'd known that it would sound that way before it was out of my mouth, but once it was out there, there was nothing to be done. With a groan, I reached up to massage my temple.
"Hey," Rachel said in a softer voice. She stood up and moved to sit beside me on the couch instead. Her arm wrapped around my shoulders, and I had to fight against my instinct to shy away.
I didn't want comfort. Accepting comfort meant admitting that something was wrong.
"What is going on then?" she asked. Her voice held none of the faux cheerfulness from earlier, and that should have been a relief. Better for Rachel to sound sad on someone else's behalf than sad on her own. I just wished I didn't have to be the someone else.
I sighed, dropping my head back to rest on the couch behind me. It wasn't the most comfortable position with Rachel's arm still around my shoulders, but it suddenly felt like too much effort to hold my head up.
"I don't know where to begin," I admitted. Suddenly, I felt receptive to talking about Embry. There was this weight that must have always been there but was just becoming apparent. I hadn't talked about this with anyone. Seth and Joselyn had both tried several times, but I avoided the topic. Seth had become so engrossed in his own relationship that it was easy to steer his attention away from me. Joselyn was busy in Port Angeles, and although I still saw her as much as possible, we did far more talking on the phone, where it was easier to act like everything was fine and dandy.
I knew she still saw Embry every day, and he must have been putting on a better show than I ever would have managed. Joselyn never voiced any speculation that something was up with him.
In fact, the only person Embry seemed to be showing his dejectedness to was me.
Jake had to know that something was going on between us because it had been so long since I'd patrolled with Embry that it had to be purposeful. Yet none of the guys acted like they had a clue, and they weren't that good of actors. Somehow, nothing that had happened between Embry and me was widely known information. I hadn't thought that was possible in the pack. We didn't have secrets unless they were with us and us only. Even those were nearly impossible to maintain, and some were more capable of it than others.
Rachel looked at me expectantly, and it occurred to me that this was the most excitement she'd had in ages. Not much new could happen if she was locking herself away every day. I could tell by the way she was hanging off my every word that she craved new information.
While I hated that this was happening around my problems, I couldn't find it in me to deny her. Not when she had begun to appear animated.
"We kissed," I admitted, voice trembling with the words.
Rachel sucked in a sharp breath and held it, eyes wide as she stared at me. Her arm around my shoulder meant that she was already close, but she leaned in closer as she gaped. I nudged her side with my elbow, snapping her back to attention, and she leaned back, arm withdrawing.
"Oh."
I wasn't sure what reaction I had been expecting, but it wasn't that. Rachel was suddenly very animated as she watched me analytically. I shifted under her gaze. Unsure what else to say, all I could think to do was shrug.
"But you're not…?"
"No," I informed her. My throat felt like it was closing up, and my eyes began to sting. "We're not."
She readjusted herself so that she was crowding into my personal space.
"What happened then?"
So I told the story for the first time. It was hard to pick and choose what Rachel needed to hear and what she didn't. Parts of it she already knew, or she knew Embry and I well enough to have guessed, but I filled in the blanks, letting her know about the kiss and the confrontations and my stubborn refusal to take things further.
Rachel listened with rapt attention, never taking her eyes off me. When I was done, I stared down at the floor, waiting for her response. I felt wide open and vulnerable, like I had taken off my armor and left myself exposed to an enemy attack.
"Leah." I closed my eyes as I heard the sympathy in Rachel's voice. I didn't want sympathy or sadness. If I wanted any reaction at all, it was solidarity. I wanted someone to let me know that my decision was valid, that I had a point. The exact opposite of what Embry had said to me.
"Don't," I warned her. "Don't tell me I'm stupid or that I'm overreacting. I don't want to hear it."
There was a moment of tense silence. Even with my eyes closed, I could feel her gaze on me. Then she sighed and shifted around in her seat before answering.
"That wasn't what I was going to say."
I opened my eyes to lift an eyebrow in her direction.
"I wasn't," she insisted. "Not exactly. I think you should be with Embry. I'm not denying that, but you have to make your own decision. Nothing good will come out of ignoring your own beliefs or whatever. If you don't think you can date him, then you can't."
We fell into a long silence before I worked up the courage to ask a question.
"How do you do it?"
My voice startled Rachel; she looked at me questioningly.
"Be with Paul when it's not what you imagined you'd be doing," I explained. "It's not what you pictured when you thought about the future, and here you are, living in Forks when you'd rather be anywhere else. Is it worth it?"
It was the most direct I had been with Rachel since I'd arrived. Opening up to her about Embry made me think it was justified. And she didn't shut herself away like she would have if I'd brought up the topic earlier. Instead, she looked contemplative as she took a moment to think before answering.
"My life isn't perfect," she said slowly. "There's some stuff I wish was different and some stuff I hate. But I have to remind myself that it has to be like that. Life can't be perfect, imprint or no imprint. Don't think I'm some well-adjusted person who's at peace with life. Some days it's easier to remind myself of all that inspirational shit than it is on other days, but I do believe it, I think. Most of the time."
"You wouldn't be happier in Seattle or somewhere farther away?"
Rachel shrugged. "I don't think I would be, actually. I would have been years ago before Paul. These days, no. If I left today and went to Seattle, I'd be miserable there too knowing that I was away from Paul. My dream is living in Seattle with Paul. If I'm missing either of those things, then it's not right.
"I do want to be here in Forks, Leah. In a way. Not for Forks but for other reasons. And it's not just Paul really. I appreciate being around my family and around you and around everyone else a lot more than I did when I first left for college. Back then I wasn't thinking of anything but getting away. My family and friends would always be here, so there was no point in missing them. I realize that's not true anymore, so going away doesn't feel as picture perfect of an idea as it used to."
"So you don't want to move?" It was difficult for me to believe when it contradicted everything I had believed about Rachel for years.
She looked torn as she debated her answer, like she wasn't entirely sure herself.
"I do," she admitted. "I know there are downsides, but I still think it's worth it when we can do it. And I mean 'we.' I'm not going without Paul because that's definitely not worth it. I want to be with him. I'm happy with him. Happy enough that I've stuck around here this long. You think I'd have done that if I didn't want to be here?"
"You guys were hardly talking, Rachel."
She scoffed at me. The fond smile that formed on her lips was surprising.
"That was one night you saw. We're fine. I swear. Not perfect, but fine. Whatever that means. Paul's frustrated with me; I know he is. He wants me to be happy, and it makes him angry that I'm not as happy as he thinks I should be. Sometimes his anger winds up getting directed at me, but not usually. He's madder at himself than anything. Blames himself for us being stuck here, and I have to remind him that I don't blame him. It's draining sometimes. It leads to arguing, and everything, but we really are fine. We're always going to fight about something. You've met Paul. You've met me. It doesn't change the fact that we love each other and are going to be fine."
I stared at her.
"You don't seem fine," I said bluntly. Instead of acting offended like I had been sure she would, Rachel laughed.
"Maybe I'm not great," she allowed, "but you shouldn't worry about me, Leah. It'll all be fine in the end. We have to think that way to stop going crazy, don't we? All I can do is try to make myself feel better in whatever way I can. That's why I asked you to come over. I had the realization that I have to do something to stop myself from sinking into nothing but negative thoughts."
"What made you finally do it?"
There was a moment of hesitation before she said, "I went to see a therapist a couple of days ago. She diagnosed me with depression."
My body froze. The diagnosis itself wasn't surprising after the previous year, but Rachel having already talked to someone caught me by surprise. She was so stubborn.
"I think I've been like this for a long time," she continued. "It's been a problem since I was younger. It's just that it got worse when I kept doing things that were supposed to make me happy, yet none of the feelings changed. I was running out of perfect scenarios that would fix everything. And it became harder to ignore the bad thoughts in my head.
"Paul wouldn't put up with it anymore either. He all but forced me to the therapist's office."
It was hard to imagine someone as hard-headed as Rachel admitting that she needed help and going to the office. I didn't know whether her agreement should have been attributed to herself or Paul's influence over her as his imprint, but I hoped it was herself.
"Did it go well?"
Rachel sighed, shifting to pull her legs underneath her. "It went better than I expected. Nothing about therapy is sunshine and butterflies, but I do feel better after going. If I can feel any better after only the first time, then I hope it helps. Sometimes I get discouraged though, and I start to think that getting my hopes up is stupid and I'll only be disappointed."
"Don't say that," I commanded. "It's not stupid." Part of me thought I was being a hypocrite telling someone that they shouldn't be negative. I regularly expected the worst outcome, and I acknowledged it. There were times, though, where I thought good things were possible, and this was one of them. As hard as it might have been for some to believe, I knew Rachel would get better with help. This was Rachel Black, one of only two people I knew who had risen above the plain old talk and gotten off the reservation. If she could do that, then she could do anything.
She smiled at me even though my words hadn't made a lasting impact. I knew Paul had to be telling her the same thing, but she had to change her views herself before it would make a difference. In time, Rachel would see that things were okay. There was already a glimmer of that old confidence inside of her, and she would build it up again in time.
"Thanks, Leah." She reached over to squeeze my hand before dropping it. "But that's enough about my problems." I could tell that she was eager to shift the focus away from herself. "Let's talk about you and Embry."
She leveled me with a stern gaze that caused me to drop my eyes away from her. The determination that had only been hinted at before was now apparent in the way she watched me. She was going to say what she wanted to say, and it wasn't going to be something I wanted to hear.
"You need to let yourself feel, Leah. Try to be with him. It's what you want."
"Are you mimicking your therapist?" I wasn't sure if I meant it as a joke or a real question. I wasn't even sure if it was an appropriate comment. All I knew was that I wanted out of this, and my brain wasn't letting me think straight.
"No, that was me. My problems aren't of the romance variety." Her expression turned thoughtful. "Although therapy might do you good. After yesterday, I'm starting to think that therapy is good for everyone. There's no shame in it."
There wasn't. I knew that. But I thought about sitting in a room with a stranger and opening up, and all I could do was recoil in fear. There was no way Rachel was going to convince me to do it. I especially wasn't going to sit in there and talk about my feelings for Embry with anyone.
And how would therapy work when I had to cut out the huge portion of my life that was tied up in the supernatural? Nothing else would make sense without it. I wasn't sure I could benefit from therapy if I weren't willing to open up on that level, but any therapist was certain to take such a story as a sign of mental illness. I wouldn't blame them. It was the rational response unless you could see someone phase with your own eyes.
Rachel sensed that her suggestion was a dead end, and she switched paths.
"When was the last time you talked to him?"
"Yesterday. He was at Jake's when I showed up, but he left almost as soon as I got there."
Rachel shook her head. I didn't like the way she looked at me with pity, no matter how good her intentions may have been.
"You two have really made a mess of things, haven't you?"
I glared at her. "I haven't made any mess. I just want things to stay the way they were when they weren't this complicated. Embry's the one who wants to change everything. That's the problem."
"You can put the blame on Embry all you want, but at least he's not trying to bottle everything up like you are, Leah. Look, I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I'm perfect. God knows that I'm not always the most open of people when it comes to touchy-feely stuff either. I probably never would have dated Paul if it weren't for the imprint. I was too worried about my career to give a thought to anything else then, and if he hadn't just shown up like that," she snapped her fingers, "I doubt I'd be dating anyone.
"But at least I didn't keep denying it when Paul was right there. I accepted it."
"You can't possibly compare me and Embry to you and Paul," I said in disbelief. "You're an imprint. That's so different. You have this cosmic stamp of approval on your relationship. You're one hundred percent guaranteed to work. Embry and I can't have that."
Rachel sighed and shrugged it off. "Sometimes I wonder if imprints are only such a guaranteed success because both people in the imprint believe they are. The power of suggestion, right? If you think that fate has guaranteed you a happy ending, then you're going to work for a happy ending, and you'll get it."
"I think you're the only imprint who thinks that way."
"Emily thinks imprinting is this picture perfect guarantee, which is a load of shit. Nothing can make life look like a fairy tale. She has to think that way though. It's how she stops herself from feeling guilty about what happened with you. You know that. If imprinting isn't this perfect thing, then she'll blame herself. She's justified it the way she needs to in her own mind.
"I think Kim thinks like Emily does. She's just not as keen on forcing people to view things the way she does. She's fine staying in her own business. I've always admired that about her. Anyway, it makes sense, I guess, that she would think about imprinting like that. Her and Jared have had the easiest imprint of all of us.
"Then there's Claire, who's too young to view any relationship as anything other than perfect. Nessie I'm not sure about. She's so analytical that I have a difficult time believing that she thinks imprinting has no flaws. Last time I talked to her, she was explaining why mermaids are implausible in real life. I don't think we have to worry about her thinking life is a fairy tale."
I'd heard the same speech that Rachel was talking about. Nessie had developed a thing for mermaids, but she insisted on reminding everyone that they were only make believe. Despite being half vampire, Nessie was as skeptical as they came about the existence of supernatural creatures that she hadn't met. People with tails instead of feet was just too much for her rational mind to take.
"Needless to say," Rachel continued, "I think Emily and Kim are completely wrong. I'm thankful Paul imprinted on me. I'm happy with him, and I do think we're meant to be together. But our relationship isn't perfect. No one can claim that it is, imprint or no imprint. We're as likely to fight as anyone else, actually probably more than most people. And if I stopped giving a shit, our relationship would go down the drain like any other relationship would. We don't get a free pass from having to deal with the hard stuff."
"But you still know that you'll always be with Paul." I had no doubt in my mind that she believed it after listening to her talk.
"I can't say I one hundred percent definitively do actually. There's always going to be shit that I didn't see coming, and something could screw us up. I'm not like Alice; I can't see the future. Even her visions change, don't they? They're not set in stone.
"What I do know is that I want to be with Paul, and I know he wants to be with me. We're going to do everything we can to make it work. That's all we can do. You and Embry aren't that different from Paul and me. I'm thankful for the imprint because it showed me who I needed to be with, but that's the only credit I'll give it. Paul and I have done everything else ourselves."
My entire body felt like it was shaking, and for once, it wasn't because I was about to phase. It was hard to take in normal breaths.
Rachel placed a hand on my shoulder, watching me with concern. "Leah, you okay?"
All I could do was shake my head. I hadn't been okay since Embry kissed me. I hadn't been okay since I realized I was developing feelings for him. Hell, I might not have been okay before I'd consciously realized that I was falling for Embry Call.
"Shit, Rachel. I want to pretend like everything's fine, but I'm scared as fuck."
As soon as I said it, a bit of the weight that had been resting on my shoulders lifted. I could breathe a bit easier. It was amazing. Just from saying out loud what I had been too frightened to even think before.
"I want to be fine," I continued, unable to stop now that I had started. Rachel listened, hand still resting on my shoulder. "In so many ways, I'm past what happened with Sam and Emily. I'm over it. But there's still this part of me that thinks that dating another wolf is the worst idea imaginable. And Sam's half brother at that. There are so many ways this could go horribly, horribly wrong, and how can I not think about them?"
"It's hard," Rachel said. "I have the same problem except I obsess over what will happen if I never get back out of here. But you see what that's been doing to me, right? I'm making myself even more miserable by acting like I should do nothing while I'm here. Instead, I should be trying to enjoy it. I didn't think that way until recently, but it's kind of the same thing, right? I'm avoiding everything to do with Forks and La Push because I'm scared it will only make me sadder. You're avoiding having a relationship with Embry because you're scared how it'll end.
"But if you never date Embry in the first place, then you can't even be happy at all. It's a loss no matter how you look at it. If you admit your feelings and try being with him, then at least you have a chance of winning the happy ending lottery."
Fucking hell. It made sense, and I wanted to curse everything for that. Just when I was starting to believe that the universe didn't hate my guts.
But then, maybe it didn't and this was the universe's way of giving me something good in life, but I was fucking it up. I hadn't given myself much of an opportunity to consider it in that light before. Even though I'd been telling myself differently, I hadn't stopped seeing myself as doomed to a life of misery. Everything that had happened recently was more than enough proof of that.
"I need to talk to him."
The statement held so much weight. I had said things in the past that had felt important, but nothing had made me feel so simultaneously light and weighed down at the same time. This felt like it could be the most life-changing thing I'd ever done.
Rachel didn't hold any of my trepidation, only excitement. It was the closest I had seen her to what one might consider peppy. I half expected her to start jumping up and down and clapping her hands.
"Go," she urged, trying to push me off the couch. "Go find him and talk to him."
"What?" I replied, surprised at her urgency. I stood up to stop her assault, but I didn't make a move to leave. "You're just going to kick me out in the middle of a conversation?"
"We can talk later." She stood up too. "You have to talk to Embry now. Before you lose your nerve."
"Who said anything about nerve? Rachel, I still don't know if I actually want to talk to him."
Rachel wheeled me around and gripped each of my shoulders tightly, forcing me to make eye contact with her.
"Listen, Leah. You want to talk to Embry. You're scared shitless about it, but that's not the same thing as not wanting to do it. Actually, I think how terrified you are shows you how much you want it."
As she stood there, staring me down, it hit me that this was going to happen. Even if I didn't do it tonight, it would happen in the future, and putting it off would only make it harder. If I didn't do it at all, then the situation between Embry and me would get worse and worse until it was beyond repair. That was what I was setting myself up for by acting like there was any possibility of things returning to what they had once been.
And if the current situation or potential happiness or heartbreak were my only options, why not gamble instead of taking the safer path that would hurt me anyway?
"I have to talk to Embry," I said, causing a smile to break out on Rachel's face.
"Yes, you do," she agreed.
I uttered a few choice words, unable to believe that this was happening. I was going to do it. Rachel's hands fell from my shoulders as I backed away, reeling.
"I have to go." I wasn't sure how audible my words were to Rachel's ears. It was like I was on a different plane of existence.
I was in another world where everything was blurry except the clear path I needed to follow. There was no choice in the matter anymore. I'd already made up my mind. I wasn't sure how long the drive would last, but I felt the overwhelming need to get to Embry as fast as possible. There was no way to slow it down, and I had a feeling it wouldn't stop until I'd completed my mission.
"Go," Rachel urged, and that was the last prompting I needed to hurry out of the house and into the woods. I phased quickly, hardly able to stop and assess that there was no one else inside my head. I knew Paul was on patrol, and he must have been with another guy from his pack. No one from our pack was there to discover what I was doing.
I savored the freedom that gave me with my thoughts. There wasn't much of a reason to conceal anything at this point anyway, but I appreciated the few extra minutes that allowed me to process what I was about to do.
There was no way of knowing where Embry was when I set off from Forks. I headed towards La Push, knowing that was my best bet, but I didn't have any clearer directions than that. When I neared the old treaty line, I began sniffing, hoping to catch a whiff of Embry's familiar scent that might happen to be around here. It wouldn't have been far-fetched since we ran the treaty line often on patrols, although I had no way of knowing how fresh anything I happened to stumble upon would be.
But I didn't stumble upon anything strong enough to be recent. Instead, I kept going in the direction of his house, hoping, perhaps foolishly, that he would be there. There were lights on when I got there. That was the first thing I noticed. I phased back and hurriedly dressed. I peeked through the trees, looking for anyone walking around this area of town. I saw no one.
If Embry was inside, he had noticed my presence by now. I did my best to search for any sign that he was here. There was someone inside. I'd known that as soon as I arrived, but it took longer for me to be sure that there were two people and one of them was definitely Embry.
Seeing that no one was coming toward the house, I stepped out of the woods just as Embry came out the front door. I froze. It had felt much different when my plans were still in the future, but now, faced with Embry, the reality of what I was about to do enveloped me.
With a deep breath, I took another step forward, but before I could get much further, Embry was in front of me. I watched his face closely, able to make out all the emotions even though the darkness pushed in against us.
"Hi," I attempted to say, but it came out unintelligible. Embry responded all the same, confusion in his voice.
"This is sudden," he said. "Why are you here?"
I felt a small stab of pain in my stomach. Not too long ago, that question would never have been necessary to ask. But I hadn't been to Embry's house in a couple of months.
"Can we talk?" I motioned towards the woods with my head, asking silently for him to follow me. With his mother inside, I felt strange talking about this in the openness of the yard. What if she glanced out the window? Beyond the treeline, we would have more privacy. None of the usual patrols came close enough to Embry's house for the guys to stumble upon us.
Embry nodded and followed me into the trees. My senses were still on high alert. I could see and hear everything in the forest almost as if it were still daylight. Once I was far enough in that Embry's house wasn't readily visible through the trees, I stopped.
I could feel Embry behind me, watching me closely, and it was difficult to find the courage to turn around. Suddenly, the heightened senses that I had been directing towards my surroundings narrowed in on Embry and nothing else. He was watching me with curiosity and a hint of fear. I hated knowing why that last one was there.
"You wanted to talk," Embry said, breaking me out of my dazed thoughts.
"Right." I cleared my throat, hoping the few seconds would be enough to get my thoughts together. It wasn't. "I went to see Rachel."
I saw Embry's eyes widen at that. Rachel's recent reclusiveness wasn't a secret. It was doubtful that Embry had seen her since I had before tonight. His expression showed an interest in Rachel's well-being that I found frustrating in the moment. Talking about Rachel wasn't why I was here, and it would do nothing but distract me from my mission.
"She kind of...knocked some sense into me."
Embry's gaze on me always felt heavy, like he was looking at me more intently than anyone else did. Right now it felt even heavier. I could have been driven down into the ground with the force of it.
Just saying that one sentence had felt like a confession. I struggled to decide where to go from there. I snuck a glance up at Embry's face, hoping to see if he planned to say something in response to what I'd already told him. But he was just watching me and waiting. I had no choice but to say it.
"I really like you."
There was a feeling between us that was both new and familiar. The four words felt remarkably harmless once they were out there between us. I'd taken the step I'd been too afraid to take, and in those seconds where I waited for Embry to take another step to meet me, it felt like my entire body was trembling in anticipation.
He stepped forward, and I felt a new kind of tension throughout my body. He took one of my hands in his own, and the last vestiges of resistance dissipated.
"What did Rachel say?" Embry asked.
I wanted to cuss Rachel out for taking Embry's attention somewhere else without even being there, and I probably would have if she had been in front of me.
"Is that important right now?" I felt confident. The initial hurdle had been the hardest, and now I felt excited but not scared. I knew what the outcome of this would be, and it finally didn't feel like it was unattainable or unrealistic.
Embry shrugged, taking a moment before he answered my question.
"I couldn't say anything that would convince you to take the chance. What was the secret?"
I chanced taking a step closer to him, taking his other hand in mine.
"I guess Rachel helped me realize that imprinting doesn't mean a perfect relationship. We're all just flailing along trying to make relationships work. You're probably the best person to flail along with, Call."
"Probably?" He pretended to pout, and I struggled to keep the grin on my face from becoming a full-fledged smile.
"I'll have to get back to you after I've tested the theory."
We were standing close enough that I could feel his breath. Unlike the last time we had kissed, I didn't feel any of the anxiety that had been consumed me. I just felt warmth and longing.
"I plan to," Embry muttered right before his lips met mine.
This kiss lasted far longer than our last. I didn't get the same urge to run or hide. Instead, I felt the opposite. Every cell in my body was screaming to stay as close to Embry as I could, even as his body pressed firmly against mine. I'd lost all sense of whatever else was happening around us.
A/N: I hope that satisfied everyone. There's one more chapter of the story left, and I plan to post it within the next several days. I'll talk a bit more about a fourth Forever story in an author's note on that chapter.
