3 weeks later.
3 weeks later.
Leandra collapsed. There was no other apt word for it. She fell apart. I cringed, frozen with uncertainty. Hawke began to comfort her, whispering soft words of support in her ear; it was most he had spoken in weeks ever since... Carver. Something pulled at me sharply but with a malicious patience that made it even more unbearable. We'd returned from the deep roads rich but Carver had left with a different group of companions. We'd also walked home in silence with someone offering a brief consoling word. Which Hawke answered with a tired smile before drowning us in silence again until I felt I would explode.
I slipped from the Hawke household, feeling even more crippled by uselessness in these situations. Just as useless as I had been when Carver was wounded, as useless as when he had been infected and as pissing useless as I had been when he was carted of to join the Grey Wardens. I walked. Not really sure where I was going but not really caring. There were too many emotions cooking away inside me to think properly.
I knocked briskly, my hand reaching out as if controlled by some hidden puppeteer.
Fenris opened the door, his usual stoic mask broken in surprise and confusion.
"I heard you had free wine," I said, barely registering how strange my voice sounded.
"The best," he said opening the door wider for my entry. No questions asked
He drank with me at first. He didn't ask if I was okay maybe he got the idea that I didn't want to be asked. He just studied me awhile, I was watching the fireplace. The drink was making everything looser, my body, my brain and the box where I'd been locking everything in. I couldn't let it all rush out; I was scared I'd drown in the flood especially in front of Fenris.
"Fenris," I said clearing my throat, eyes still on the flame, "I think I'd like to train for awhile, if you wouldn't mind."
"No not all," he said and reaching over with one slender branded arm he lightly handed me his long sword, "this may be better."
I nodded wrapping my fingers around the handle, swinging the huge blade across my shoulders I left Sofia against the fireplace.
Fenris' POV:
She left, stalking off into the many winding passages of Darius' mansion. I sat there watching her go because I didn't know what else to do, because she confused me, because she confused everything. With a sigh I gulped the last of the wine, trying to bite back bitter memories that were attached to it. Glancing across I noticed that Fen' Harel had left the bottle propped up in the chair as a reminder of her presence in the room. Unsure what to do but filled with the need to do something I stood.
Indecision was playing with me again. It had been all evening, ever since she'd turned up at the door. Part of me had wanted her to and hadn't been surprised by her appearance. It was a part I was trying to suffocate. I'd never seen her look like that when she wasn't fighting, so numb and hollow as if I could almost seen through her. It was a look I'd been familiar with after being haunted by bad dreams, I just wondered what ghosts were plaguing Fen' Harel. She'd been as silent as Hawke on the journey home but while Hawke's pain was evident, laid out like an open wound, Fen' Harel seemed smothered, hidden from us replaced with the smiles and carefree attitude that belonged to her. But that moment at the door I had almost recognized something, for a moment.
I made up my mind. Striding down the corridor I made my way through the maze to the room used for training. I raised my hand to knock on the splintered wood but paused when I heard wood snap and splint open with a pitiful groan. Instead I edged the door open concealed from her view. I doubt she would have seen me anyway she was far too absorbed in her swordplay. Her hair had now grown to just rest beneath her collar bones partially and stroked her cheek as it moved with her. I watched the curves of her body bend with her sword as she finally decapitated the dummy. Fen' Harel panted, fixing the dummy with one visible pale blue eye. She turned suddenly and I abruptly sunk further into the shadows, the candle light from the room only illuminating one side of my face.
Fen' Harel paused, eyes narrowing on a crate near the now destroyed dummy. She drew her foot back before lightly placing it back on the crate, testing the wood underfoot. The wood resisted and Fen' Harel pressed harder, then harder until eventually the wood gave away. And it was sudden as though something other than the wood had snapped. Fen' Harel's foot was pounding the wood relentlessly. I watched her sudden heated outburst, as she ground her foot into the wood shouting obscenities, lost to rage. She flung the sword aside and began to cry.
I paused.
There was a knock at the door. I left. Guilt was swamping me, I felt as though I'd stolen from Fen' Harel, stolen a moment when she thought she was by herself and had went to be alone. Inwardly kicking myself I opened the door to find a sultry looking Isabella smirking up at me.
"Is Fen' Harel here?" she asked. Yet another surprise.
"Why?"
"Hawke said she just left when they got back to Gamlen's shack, he asked me to look while he was taking care of his mother," she answered searching every visible area of my house for any trace of Fen' Harel's presence.
"Yes she's here, she's...training."
"Oh," she winked, "training. Training for what?"
"Killing bandits I'd presume considering she seems to spend half of her time doing so," I replied frowning at Isabella.
"Oh," she winked," killing bandits."
"Stop that it's irritating," I snapped.
"You seem riled up, we're you and Fen' Harel getting steamy while training. You just stopped, filled with the rush of battle and locked eyes. That's when you both started to notice the warm sweat dripping down across each other's bare skin and..."
"I said stop it," I glared, trying to shake the sudden images that were flooding my brain. Images of Fen' Harel and me, of bodies and tongues and... I mentally shook myself.
"Andraste, Varric was right these things do write themselves," Isabella smirked to herself, lost in similar thoughts of her own, "I should tell him about this, maybe he could put it in one of his books."
"Leave now," I snarled.
"Yes in good time. Is she staying over, Hawke needs to know where she is if I'm not bringing her back."
"I don't care, that's up to her."
"You know, I knew she'd be here that's why I checked here first," she smiled devilishly.
"Goodbye Isabella."
I closed the door with a sigh of relief.
Fen' Harel's POV:
Feeling suitably drained. I stood up among the splintered wood. The newly cut wounds on my leg began to sting before eventually fading into a dull ache. Why was I so stupid and childish? Still acting like a pissing over emotional nine year old. I'd cried because it hurt, because I missed Carver and because one new wound managed to remind me of all the old ones.
"Fen' Harel?"
I turned to find Fenris standing awkwardly in the doorway. Feeling even more stupid and childish in his company I began to wipe at my eyes in an attempt to hide the tears that had left me feeling so hollow and drained. It was then that I noticed the broken pieces of wood scattered at my feet and was further embarrassed.
"I'm sorry," for losing it in your house, "for my sudden intense hatred of crates," I managed picking myself up off the floor and giving a lopsided smile.
Fenris' lips curled upwards as he smirked in return, "indeed. Should I warn the other crates?"
I laughed "I was relying on the element of surprise," I said.
Fenris laughed in return, that small breathy one that seemed to escape from his lungs. I smiled to myself; it was such a strange little laugh that I couldn't help it.
"Isabella called," he said studying me intently like I might fall apart again, "she wanted to know if you were going back to Hawke's tonight."
Leandra and Hawke. I wanted to go back, to comfort them or something but wouldn't because I knew that I couldn't. I suddenly felt selfish for just leaving them and storming off up here. Here, of all places. Why Fenris' mansion? Once again I found myself questioning myself about something related to Fenris. The answer was because I didn't know where else to go, not that I didn't have the options just that this seemed to be the only right one. The person in question meanwhile was waiting impatiently by the door.
"Er," I looked down at my scratched leg, "can I use your bathroom first?"
Fenris POV:
She'd been up in the bathroom for an hour, carrying shampoo, soap and bandages in before locking me out. I meanwhile had searched the mansion for something to eat. I hadn't found anything yet. I bought my food while I was with Hawke, just eating when I felt hungry rather than preparing meals at certain times. But with Fen' Harel in the house I couldn't just wander around High town in search of food. My stomach protested loudly. Scowling I finally gave in to hunger.
When I got back it was quiet. I couldn't hear the heavy noises of buckets of water being emptied into the bath. She'd probably left. I had been deliberately trying not to think of Fen' Harel because that would mean trying to work out what I'd seen and how I felt about it. Too many things were getting in the way of me and Darius, Hawke, Hawke's companions (especially the mages), the Deep Roads and now Fen' Harel. I climbed the stairs devouring the remaining pieces of salted bacon as I did and entered the main room, hoping to take comfort in the warmth of the fire and wine again. The fire was already lit and Fen' Harel was still here. Occupying the chair to the left of the fire place Fen' Harel's legs were stretched out across one side of the chair, her arm placed on the other arm with her head nestled in the crook of her elbow. The other over her chest, that rose and fell gently with sleep, the fingertips just stroking the floor.
Even wolves sleep peacefully.
Grasping another wine bottle in one clawed hand left to drink in an empty room in this maze of empty rooms.
A/N:
Be'jazus Fenris is like some hermit monk, some pissed off, mage hating monk. Anyway there you go. I decided to hurry it up abit because I was sick to death of the Deep Roads. That was your first little snippets of Fenris POV, I decided that I'd wait until later before I started getting inside his head. Fen' Harel's a bit whiny in this chapter but I wanted to show how she deals with problems, in this case Carver being forced into joining the Grey Wardens, which made me wonder what do you think of Fen' Harel? Send me a PM or review please, if you can, I'd really like to know. Thanks for reading ^_^
