The brief altercation with Brenda takes only a few seconds. I throw her a look full of hatred, a hatred that does not decide to go as easily as I had hoped. I place near the window and distributes my books immediately. As trivial and simple things.
Courses bore me ... really. I already know all of these lessons for years and years. And little change does not appeal to me more than before. I feel asleep, slowly, in a parallel world that exists only for me. The trouble overwhelms me. Students ask me questions, intriguing little. But Brenda tickles me more. She looks at me frequently, and judging me by my appearance only. I do not like her, do not like her at all. And after only one day finished , I said to myself that I would stop the hate when I have found a way to hurt her. Much trouble she made me. That day.
The sledge slips on the ice. She scrapes the floor frozen leaves some white lines. Max observes the lake while I ride on its scope. I feel that it reminded her of something. But the expression on her face, I see she asks herself what it can be. We wonder, without getting close enough to our expectations. Kate then tumbles the house, shouting and gesticulating. She forbids us to go to the lake. And even if she's just a few meters from me, I can feel the fear that emanates from her body. She says to Max, "You know that !" Something terrible had happened. I do not know more for the moment. Only that this place is declared dangerous for the little girl, even if she don't know why.
A few seconds laterbeing reassured by us regain land she come back inside. We are also preparing to go when I heard a small explosion. Followed by several others which succeed.
-Where do they come from? I asked the little girl.
I feel silly in a moment, having forgotten for a few seconds his deafness. I then translate it to her.
-I hear something on that side, I told her the location by the finger. You know what it is?
She nodded and replied. It's her brother who plays with her paintballs. I have a small desire to see how he is doing. Max follows me in the woods around the property, and I head to the pops, which sound forever.
The forest is beautiful, especially at this time of the year when snow covers everything and silence filled the air. I perceive Daniel, pistol in hand, aiming a table on which there are some plastic soldiers. Some tremble under the shock. I was practicing shooting, there is some time. Sullivan was training me, in case I have to defend myself in my future life. He had a gun, but we had also bought bulletproof vests. I remember that sunny day, where the birds sang not yet. The heat was unbearable, but we were both out, aiming targets, hung up the trunks of trees. I remember, look up at the sun shining and despise. It is true that we were in the summer. Sullivan was shirtless, sweating all its pores. We trained however without complaint, because we knew that this was one of the few times that we could spend together nothing to hide.
I see the silhouette of a precise bird, pigeon, perched on the table. Daniel move with hesitation. He sets the bird without a sound, outline a quick movement and shoots one of his paintballs right in the chest of the animal. This one tumbles down from his perch, crashed in the snow.
We approach slowly, while Daniel, running to the rescue of the little creature is on the verge of tears. Stupid and powerless against to his own actions. Be looking at this little animal struggle, I think about all the people I've seen suffer. Those whose blood flowed relentlessly share of exuding wounds. I remember all those. Of all those who never could accept who I really was, at the bottom of my heart and my soul. A stone covered with snow is placed nearby. I walked toward it, grabbed it with my right hand and tend to the boy.
-Put it out of its misery ... it's in pain, and it's your responsibility. I then told him.
-It was just an accident, he replies in tears.
-If you walk away now,it'll strave to death. Is that what you want?
But Daniel refuses. Would I had to leave the bird in its state of almost total paralysis? Do not touch it and leave it, dealing with other predators? I also refuse. I crush his body, barely moving, and let the blood flow around the stone, white snow mingling with the scarlet liquid from the animal.
-It's all right. It's in heaven now. I run then to Daniel
-What's wrong with you? He replied then.
He goes, running without waiting for my answer. I had moreover not. What I could tell him, he would not have understood. We see things differently too reach agreement, this is one thing I am now sure. And frankly, this is something I expected, no one has ever really understood. I would probably had to include Sullivan, this is what you think? I almost, but remember, again, the painful memory of his death, and why he had got there, I realized that it was not really the case. Ultimately.
-I could sing for you. I used to sing for the sisters so they would kow I was all right.
Long hesitation later, she gave me this favor and let me.
I lock the door again, and undid my robe, look at my scars and sighs. It was close. I immerse myself in hot water that Kate sank into the tub and think. To everything and nothing. To him and to them. Different. I close my eyes, but nothing concerns my mind and my thoughts are fluid and logical as possible. I hear footsteps outside the door. I continue to sing, enough for her to hear it and for as much as I do the same. What will she do?
I heard a drawer open, and my heart skips a beat. A thud sounded like someone falling or something. What does she do? I think as much as I can, and suddenly realizes. My Bible. That's what she found at. But what would she do with it? She would probably be intrigued and she would let it to it own place. While wondering what could well push a girl my age to have a book like this. My eyes widened. What an idiot I am. And if she opens? What did she would discover? The faces of several men. And what will she ask? Who are theyhow are their pictures do they arrived there, why am I in their possession. Perhaps she would research. It might even get to traced back to the hospital. I tramples in the water, I feel silly, stupid, incompetent. "Protecting a secret is not something simple"
Sullivan's words come to mind. He was telling me that often. But he often told me he would always be there for me. To make my happiness something real, and that despite the fact that I'm different, I did not deserve my fate. He had touched me, worn my feelings and my pity. As he continues to do so, even being dead.
My scars hurt. The excitement seems to return the old pain it gave me. I touch my neck, expecting to see blood dripping from my fingers when I retire. "Do not worry, everything will be alright" You talking about! You only make things even more difficult, than it is already.
I get out of the tub and re-dons a white robe suspends the heater, hiding my scars carefully. I unlocked the door cautiously. Kate's silhouette is present nowhere. I look on both sides. There is nothing. I rage internally and promised not to do anything stupid and unnecessary as it does not address the subject of her discovery.
Daniel is an idiot. Or trying to make me understand anyway. He can not see me, especially since these friends ally all against me. I'm subject as incessant bullying kids of "my age." Daniel does nothing to stop it, even as my brother. He participated in the event that I caused. Me, my weird clothes, my solitary attitude and my invisible emotions. Oh, and Brenda. This little pest is really a sadist for his young mind. Most students of the school are afraid of her. She is their leader, in some way. She is to her advantage and has not failed prove it to me today.
I was just following my course my arm was charge of book and I strolled in the hallway, trying to join my class. I was done with this tide of students who stare at me, all going in the opposite direction. I did not know where was the damn room. And I was in a weak position, something I hate. On a moment, a student shoved me, dropping all my books.
-Watch it !
I recognized the voice of Daniel. I was crouching, picking up my books, and I give him a disapproving look. He looked at me fixedly, and laughed stupidly, as if he had just witnessed one of his jokes. More concerned about the conversation he had to start with one of his friends, then he turned away. The topic? How brave little Daniel had stood up to his adoptive sister. I understand that this is children but these are just bad kids. Without respect for different people.
Silence settled slowly around me, without knowing why. And I did not care elsewhere. What I wanted was to get away quickly. I ran my hand to my Bible, but another grabbed her before I had time to grab it. The small crowd of students began to form around us. I got up and stared, without apparent emotions.
-Is this a Bible? Asked the little pitched voice, this little idiot, who constantly looking me trouble.
I nodded and she began to scream, the arm up and proudly wearing my Bible as if she had found a treasure. It was only mine, it was my treasure, he belonged to me.
-Tjesus Freak brought a Bible to school today!
Students passing stopped, looked at the altercation between Brenda and myself. We were both face to face. I looked at my Bible, floating in air, at the end of his insignificant little fingers. She began to smile, a tight smile, and handed it to me. I also flaunted a faint smile, but I knew she would never finish it. I tried to withdraw the book from her hands, but she never let it go. These friends encouraged him "Hang Brenda! ". I began to take advantage of his little duel imposed, until finally my hand slips. In the space of one second hers described a circle arc and she dropped the Bible, this one tearing in myriad leaves, and crashing to the ground. I threw myself after them and grabbed as much as I could. Combining pictures of men between pages. I hoped that no one has seen.
I heard a "congrat" and while I gathered my pack of leaves and was preparing to leave, I felt her presence behind me. I did not pay attention. She could not do more harm than this second humiliation. Fury shone in my eyes, mixed with sadness suddenly. Wondering why, again and again, my life was so unfair.
-Oh, little doggy. Is this your collar, little doggy ?
Her hand moved on a ribbon, brushed my scar of a millimeter. I could not handle more. And I screamed. Pain ghosts, memories resurfacing. The hospital, doctors, nurses, my straightjacket. The impression of die every day. I was struggling, but nothing more surrounded my body than the empty. And silence hanging over the whole assembly. Students' eyes staring at me, some giggling. While my cry ended, I felt more ashamed than ever.
I picked up my Bible and was leaving on current. Away from these students judging me now, with still more astonishment and scorn than before.I arrived in the school yard and as the wind blew my hair, I cried. "They are all so stupid. "I only thought it, saw it. The woman I was did not understand this rejection, wanting to destroy a being. I wanted to be someone like the others, even knowing that I could never really do. I wanted people to focus on my values, not my weaknesses. Happiness and not sadness. Life and not death. But when these memories were strongly awakened, my self-esteem was again, finally crumbled to dust. Beading tears from my eyes, I remembered all my life, knowing that there was not much to say. My birth, my abandonment. Then blood, madness, love and these three repeating arguments in continuation. Endless. Aimlessly. If it is suffering.
