I have two friends that can't get out of this horrible circle. They try, but they just can't make it through to the end. I fear that they wil die too soon or end up suffering for years.
M-rated for implied drug use and death.
Summary: "Sasori is having problems, and I can't seem to do anything else than watch him rip himself and everyone else around him apart. Why can't he just choose me for once and let us both live happily ever after, yeah?"
They didn't give a damn.
They didn't care what their actions would cause for other people.
I see it every day; the naivety, the hurt, the relaxation, the carefreeness, and the clear indifference in their attitude. I see it in many of my friends. Especially this one guy…
I'm fooling around with him, and I have been for a while now, but it's just fading away. No wait, he's throwing it away, not caring about what I want at all. I know that he has fallen for me. He did the moment we met, but he's so weak. He can't even chose between me and that shit. I don't need people that eventually will let me down just for that.
I roll over on my right side to come face to face with him. It seems he's still asleep, but I can be wrong. He's a good actor; His eyes are closed and he's breathing through his nose, seeming very content and peaceful. He looks so God damn beautiful when he's lying next to me like this.
Even though we are fooling with each other, we haven't had sex yet. Even though I'm mostly the type to jump right at it -claim what I want and need, I just can't bring myself to tie myself to this man. I know that if we do it, he will come back for more than just my love. So instead he sleeps over for the sake of company. We both need it, and even if he's being such a weak idiot, I can't just send him home alone –especially not in the kind of state he usually is in. Besides, it's the alone part that is the cause of all of this.
That is why I never send him home when he arrives on my door; he's so alone, and right now I'm all that he's got. I also have these stupid feelings for him, and that makes it so much harder to walk forwards and leave him behind in the past.
He's so beautiful.
I guess that I hope he'll stop soon. After all, I love him so; I love his red hair, love his brown, brown eyes, his face, his body… his name.
Sasori.
The only thing I can't stand is that damned thing he's using and his twisted mind that so daringly holds on to the idea of this all being quite alright.
Escaping.
That was what he had told me when I asked him why he was ruins everything; his life, his family, his friend, himself... and me too. He breaks me every time he goes back to that.
I reach out with my hand and gently move it across his soft cheek. He stirs slightly and I stop all of my movements. A small smile makes its way onto my face and I lean closer to him. My lips meet his forehead and some of the red strands of hair tickle my nose. I love the feeling of his hair. It's soft and usually smells nice. Tonight is doesn't. Instead it bears a dark and disgusting smell. I don't like that, and even if I tell him, he'll just shrug it right away and keep doing it.
"Are you awake, darling, yeah?"
He murmurs something that I can't quite make out and turns around until his back is facing me. I wonder if he's still up in the clouds or if he's already out of it and back; He was so gone when he got here it's amazing that he even found his way to my place. It's even more amazing that he isn't afraid of me taking any kind of advantage of him. Or maybe that's what he wants – maybe he's hoping for me to save his sorry ass? No, I can't believe that.
Broken and vulnerable and weak, that's what he is, especially when he's been out with those other kids, but he would never ask for anyone's help. Sasori don't even need that when he's all fine and dandy; He's strong and confident and knows exactly what he wants and when he wants it. It's so weird that someone like him can change and be a completely different person when he's out there with those friends of his.
It's also sick.
It's sick because I like both sides of him. I love to take care of him when he's so fucked up. That certainly is wrong. It may be alright to care for him, but if that means that he has to be so down-the-drain then it shouldn't be something I would want.
"You're so stubborn!" I whine softly as I reach out for him again. My fingers trail over his uncovered back. He shivers, and I can see his skin begin to cover up in goose bumps -cute goose bumps. Now, I'm not exactly sure how goose bumps can be cute, but they sure are when they're Sasori's.
He doesn't utter a word. He never does after a night like that, so I've kind of stopped expecting it. I don't know for sure, but I think that he's a bit ashamed of himself. I can't really say that he shouldn't be. I would have been ashamed of myself as well if I'd suddenly shown up at my boyfriend's door in such a state. Well... almost-boyfriend. We are far from getting together officially -in fact, it seems we're just getting further and further away from that goal.
It's not weird that we are since I'm the only one who's really been fighting.
Sasori turns back to me, this time his eyes are open. I stare into the deep pool of brown and narrow my eyebrows at the sight that meets me. His eyes are unfocused and slightly relaxed. Even though he is smiling at me, he looks so bored. I totally loath that; I hate that he can look so indifferent at me, who he wants to be his one and only.
"I... I'm not stubborn." he replies, his voice giving off the same carefree vibe as his still, half lidded eyes. They're always half lidded, but not this much. His voice usually holds more life as well.
It's sad to see him like this; Broken.
I wait for a few minutes before I say anything more. I need to see how long he can concentrate and focus on my face.
To my disappointment, it takes him about thirteen seconds to shift his gaze from me and to the ceiling above us. He always looks at the white painted wood, even more than he looks at me. I hate that as well. When I think about it, I hate more about him than I love.
Deciding to be serious now, I tell him, "Then you need to be making a choice, yeah."
For me, this is no ultimatum. It's an easy choice for me.
Unfortunately, Sasori only have two things in his life; Me, and that mistake he just can't seem to stop using. Sasori lost his parents when he was very young. It was sheer luck that he still had his grandmother back then, but she passed away a few year ago. That was when it all began. He lost everything and gained nothing.
Sometimes I understand his misery, or at least the misery he used to have. Now he has me, so I can't really pity him anymore.
"Deidara," he begins, voice a bit insecure, which is quite new to me.
"I'll stop."
"You've told me that hundreds of times before, Sasori." I say, giving a soft sigh. I guess it's stupid of me to ask him to choose when he's promised me that we will survive, just the two of us so many times before. I bet this time is no different.
The only way he can ever prove anything to me is through actions.
"Can we do this when I'm not feeling so light headed?" he asks, closing his eyes to prove his point. I don't know what it is like, so I glare at him and turn around. I don't want to see him before morning. I know he's better then, but he'll still give the same answer, I know it.
Why can't he just choose?
By the time I wake up, Sasori is already out of bed. I feel fear strike through me when I can't hear him downstairs. Without pulling on anything but my boxers (yes, I do sleep without clothes on. I feel free then) I leave my room to search the house.
I find him sitting by the kitchen table, staring out of the window. For a moment I believe that he's not down to earth yet, but then I hear him whimper softly. He's definitely crying.
Does he always cry while I sleep?
I move over to kneel in front of him, but by the time I get there, he's trying to wipe all of his tears away. Of course he' unsuccessful. My presence actually makes him cry even harder. I was right then; He is ashamed of himself. That is a good thing. Maybe he regrets it as well. If he does, then maybe he has a chance in this world as well.
"Sasori," I coo and take his hands in mine, leading them away from his face and into his naked lap. He rarely sleeps in anything either.
My eyes automatically drift down to take a quick look (I just can't help my hormones and urge to see all of him), but I notice something completely different from his pack. His arms are cut up. They bear no deep or huge cuts, as if the cutter was too afraid to go through with it, so they will probably heal up alright. The fact that he actually cut himself though is very, very bad. Is he sad? Ashamed and regretful? Maybe he's just miserable, even with me here.
I do hope not.
I look back up to meet his eyes, but he's been way ahead of me and closed them already. For a second I almost think that he's afraid of showing me the Sasori that I already know.
Then he speaks, but it's really more like a whisper than anything, "you usually sleep to around ten."
I can't help but to smile. Even like this he's so adorable. Is it wrong to think that your almost-boyfriend is beautiful when he's in pain?
"I missed your body next to mine, yeah. I couldn't find you. You scared me, darling." I lean up slightly to kiss his forehead.
He pulls away from my touch. His sudden, unusual actions surprise me a lot. Sasori has never ever pulled away from my touch, so I can't really help but to feel a little bit hurt by that. Have I done something wrong? Does he remember that I got mad last night?
"I do want to stop, Deidara." he says and finally opens his eyes so that I can truly see into his lovely, but shattered soul. It truly is broken, that wonderful soul; his eyes are puffy and red, and his soul is wounded. It's not like I can see it or anything, but I feel it; I like to believe that my empathy is really, really good. My powers fail me most times, however, which can be quite inconvenient. Fortunately, I am never wrong about Sasori.
"I know," I whisper and lean over to press my lips to his for a second. This time he allows me to do it, apparently not afraid of me anymore. That makes me happy. "I wish there were anything I could do, yeah."
"I'll go there, for you." Sasori's words surprise me more than anything in the world ever could. At first I didn't quite get it, but then I remember that I once tried to make him go to there, but he refused, telling him that he wouldn't like it.
"Really?" I ask with sudden smile gracing my lips, "you really will, love?"
"As long as you promise to be here when I get back. Do you?"
He's so insecure that it's cute.
"Of course, yeah!"
"Well, say it then." he demands, frowning lightly. The expression doesn't really look serious with those red puffy eyes, but I know him well enough to not joke about this. Well, at least I hope he's not joking about it. I know that one can never really trust these kinds of people, even if it's a loved one.
"I promise. I'll be here, and I'll visit you whenever I'm allowed to." I assure him. I can no longer stop my grin; I'm just too happy. He's actually going there -going to get better. He's trying to choose me! I promise myself right here that when he's done there, we will move away to some other place, where we don't know anyone.
"Then I'll do it. For us."
I kiss him right there and then, and we just can't seem to break a part.
The rest of the day is spent in bed.
If you ever wonder how it all turned out, we never ended up moving. In fact, I never saw Sasori again.
As I sit in my house with my husband, I can't help but to remember that I ruined everything. I remember the rehab calling me one Saturday morning. They tried to stay calm throughout the call, but I could easily pick up on the sadness and panic. It immediately scared me.
It'd been a week since Sasori had left. I visited him as often as I possibly could, but I don't think it was enough for the man who came to sleep with me every night. Despite this, he had been doing very well, trying his best just so he could be released and go back.
I had told him about my plans to take him away with me to another country. It had cheered him up, so I even talked about marriage. I would have liked that even now, actually, despite the fact that I am married.
I had bought a ring after I'd seen his reaction and I had planned on giving it to him the next time I was visiting. However, the day before I was supposed to, they called me.
"He was allowed outside... very happy... had been waiting for this... hoped to see you... marriage... out too fast... car... didn't see him... very sorry... do you want to see him?"
I never could bring myself to go.
I regret it to this day,
because I can only see his ugly grave, and not his beautiful face.
