Trigger warning for suicide attempt
Another night, another memory in the form of a dream Castiel couldn't wake from. This one of Metatron stealing his Grace.
At the time, Cas had been preoccupied with the pain, the panic. His throat slit and bleeding while the other angel painfully extracted his Grace. Gasping for breath as his newly human lungs tried desperately to draw in air.
He relived the awful moment. But Metatron's words stood out to him this time.
"I want you to live this new life to the fullest. Find a wife, make babies! And when you die, and your soul comes to Heaven, find me. Tell me your story."
Cas awoke with a start. His hand flew to his throat, but there was no cut. He could breathe again.
His hands were still shaking.
But wait.
They needed to find Metatron, and the answer had been in front of him all along! When he died, his soul would go to his own personal Heaven. He knew how to escape the rooms; he knew how to find the escape hatch. He would locate the Scribe of God, and find out how to set things right.
Now all he had to do was die.
He knew he'd promised to get better, but surely his friends would understand. This was bigger than just him. This was about fixing Heaven! This was the way to make amends for what he'd done. With trembling hands, he reached for the pad of paper on his nightstand. He wrote a short note.
Sam, Dean, Kevin;
I found a way to Metatron. I will find him and make things right. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Please do not look for me.
Castiel
The note was a bit vague and impersonal, and Cas felt guilty. But they didn't need to know he was killing himself. He had the feeling they would object to that. Especially Dean.
Dean.
Cas shut out the image of the hunter; green eyes, freckles, strong hands...
Stop.
Without bothering to get dressed, he slipped his socks and shoes on. He silently made his way through the bunker to the door, cringing as it shut behind him. Hopefully the noise wouldn't be loud enough to wake anyone.
He knew where he had to go, and that he needed to hurry.
A noise pulled Dean from a deep sleep, and for a moment he lay there trying to figure out where it came from. It sounded familiar...
Was that the door to the bunker opening and closing?
He shot out of bed and grabbed the closest weapon, which happened to be a shotgun. His mind raced. Who else knew the Bunker's location? Who would be breaking in? Was it one of Crowley's demons? The place was warded...
He flipped on the hallway lights and started to do a sweep. Soon enough, a confused Sam emerged from his room.
"Dean, what's going on?"
"I heard the door open."
"Are you sure?" Sam yawned sleepily. "What if it was just a dream?"
"I've gotta make sure."
"Okay, I'll help."
"Can you go check Crowley?"
"Yeah." Sam made his way to the dungeon.
"Dude, what the hell? It's two in the morning."
Dean spun around at the sound of Kevin's voice. "Jesus, I almost shot you." He glared.
"Sorry," Kevin rubbed his eyes. "Seriously though, you take paranoid to a whole new level. We're in a secret Bunker in the middle of nowhere. Why are you waving a shotgun around in the middle of the night."
"I heard the door."
The prophet sighed. "Okay. Whatever you say. I'll make sure the Tablet is still safe."
"Crowley is still locked up tight." Sam confirmed, walking into the library.
At that exact moment, Dean realized there was only one person unaccounted for.
Castiel.
His heart dropped and he all but sprinted to Cas's room. He threw open the door and switched on the light.
The bed was empty.
"Sam!" He cried out.
Both his brother and Kevin were at his side in an instant.
"Where is he?" Sam asked breathlessly.
Kevin walked over to the nightstand, where a pad of paper had a note scrawled on it. "He...figured out how to get to Metatron." The prophet's eyes widened as he read.
"What? Let me see that." Dean snatched the paper from his hands. The writing was messy, almost as if Cas's hands had been shaking while writing.
Sam, Dean, Kevin;
I found a way to Metatron. I will find him and make things right. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Please do not look for me.
Castiel
"Dammit, Cas!" Dean swore.
"Why didn't he tell us so we could help?" Kevin shook his head. "I don't get it."
"That stupid son of a bitch." Dean muttered. "Sam, you and Kevin take the car and head towards town, I'll go on foot."
"He didn't go out through the garage, he couldn't have gotten far without a vehicle." Sam pointed out.
"I know, but you're still gettin' better. You shouldn't be walking around out there in the cold. Take the damn car."
Flashlight in hand, Dean started out. He waved as Sam and Kevin passed him in the Impala.
Where would Cas go?
It depended entirely on how he was going to find Metatron. He wished the note had at least included a clue. They were walking blind here.
Sam and Kevin had gone the quickest route to the nearest town. So Dean took the opposite direction; rural road. He hurried along, looking for any sign of the fallen angel.
And then he came to the bridge.
His heart stopped. There was a figure standing alone in the darkness, and as he grew closer, the guy looked more and more like Cas.
"Castiel!" He called out. The man's head shot up, and he climbed up onto the guard rail. "No, no, no..." Dean ran.
"Dean, don't come any closer."
The hunter stopped a few feet from Cas. "What the hell are you doing, man?"
"This is the only way, I'm sorry." His friend stared down into the black, swirling waters below. It had to be at least a 50 foot fall...and if the impact didn't kill him, the freezing cold water certainly would. He was wearing sweatpants and a thin T shirt, and goosebumps stood out on his skin. The moon was bright tonight, and Cas's blue eyes seemed to shine with a feverish glow.
"I don't understand! Cas, please..."
"When Metatron took my Grace, he told me to find him, and tell me his story when I died. I know how Heaven works, I can get to him up there! I just need to get back to Heaven...this is the only way to do it."
"No, we'll find another way!"
"We are no closer to solving this than the day I fell." Cas shook his head. "I can't wait anymore. I'm sorry." He climbed up to the final rung of the guard rail, and leaned into the wind.
"NO!" A scream ripped it's way out of Dean's throat, and he grabbed the back of Cas's shirt and pulled him back onto the bridge. They fell to the ground, gasping.
Cas tried to get up, but Dean pinned him to the ground, straddling his hips and holding Cas's wrists down.
"Dean-"
"No, Cas. Just stop. Stop." His voice broke. "What made you think this was okay? You didn't even warn me! I would've never had a chance to say goodbye..."
"I'm sorry," Cas whispered.
They stayed like that for a few moments, green eyes staring into blue. Castiel's thoughts were racing, and so was his heart. Dean was so close. This really was an intimate position; almost sexual. He hoped his arousal wasn't noticable.
"I can't breathe very well." Cas said softly. Dean's weight on top of him, plus the weight of what he had almost done...
Dean reluctantly climbed off, and helped Cas to his feet. He pulled out his phone and dialed Sam's number.
"Hey, I've got him. We're headed back to the bunker. I'll fill you in later."
Cas risked a glance towards the edge of the bridge. The overwhelming urge to jump was still there.
This didn't escape Dean's attention, and he impulsively grabbed Cas's hand.
"Please don't." He whispered brokenly.
Cas managed to drag his eyes away, focusing instead on the hunter's hand clutching his own. Dean's touch was warm against his cold skin.
"Come on, let's get you home."
Still one more chapter to come! (Possibly more) thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think. Is there anything in particular you'd like to see in the next chapter? ;)
