Jasper and I sat in my garage staring into the drizzle for about a half hour until I calmed down a bit. It had gotten dark and the streetlights were now on. I got up silently and went to my pile on the street. I pulled out my box of records, my box of books and my diploma. Jasper took a box from me and we tucked them in his back seat.
I asked if we could visit the junkyard and he obliged, making the five-minute detour. I climbed out of the car. I pulled my hood up and walked solemnly through the drizzle to the office and found my friend and former classmate – the boy who'd rebuilt my engine block – Ricky, sitting at the counter.
"Bree?" he asked incredulously. I held my breath as he rushed around the counter and gave me a hug. "Look at you. You look so different."
"That's what life on the streets will do to you, Ricky," I noted flatly.
"No. It's not a bad different."
"Look, I was wondering if Natalie had been by with my car again, you promised never to sell it." I reminded him.
"You mean your mother?" he asked quizzically.
"No," I said venomously, "Natalie." Because she wasn't my mother anymore. Esme was my mother. I felt more loved and more comfortable with Esme in two weeks than I had in eighteen years with my original egg donor.
He just looked down at me and nodded. He picked the key off the hook and grabbed his raincoat. My car wasn't actually in the lot but behind the office. That way it couldn't get picked apart whenever it ended up here. Ricky always looked out for my car when it came in.
"Here you go," he handed me my keys. "Don't let her get you down, kid. You're your own person. Don't ever forget that."
"Ricky," I called him. "I just want to let you know that I'm leaving. I'm packing up and going. I can't… I can't live here anymore. I have to get out and start over. I just wanted to say 'bye."
"It's probably for the best. I think it will do you good. I'll always be here if you need me." He gave me another quick hug and I ducked inside my car and started her up. I made my way out of the lot and watched Ricky head back inside his shop as I disappeared out of his range of sight. Jasper fell behind me not long after.
That would probably be my only goodbye to the human world. The goodbye I said to Ricky. He was about as troubled as me but even smarter. I hoped he took his own advice. I hoped he went to college, got a job he liked, found a girl that wouldn't mess with his head, lead a happy life… I hoped he would be all right, but I would never know.
I let the hum of my engine and the patter of the rain calm me the whole drive home. I drifted in and out of thought never really settling on anything concrete. I was just dazed. The light smell of Chanel No. 5 from the older woman I bought the car from was embedded in the upholstery and it soothed me.
We made it home as the rain cleared. I parked in the garage and Jasper helped me with my boxes. We silently made our way into the house and up to my room. I dropped one box on the floor and Jasper put the other beside it. He pulled my diploma out of my box of books, wiped the rain off with his sleeve and propped it open on one of my shelves. He kissed my forehead and backed out of the room quietly. I slogged over to my bed, pulled off my sneakers and wet jeans and burrowed into my white, cotton bed wishing for sleep.
I knew it wasn't going to happen so I just shut my brain down. I daydreamed. I zoned in and out. Whatever you want to call it. I don't know how long I lay there. It must've been a while. Eventually Alice came to check on me. She peeked in the door and came over to my bed. She just lay beside me for a while not speaking. She seemed to have an intuitive sense about people. She didn't have a problem with just laying next to me for hours in silence.
She left when someone downstairs called for her. Rosalie was the next person I saw. She came in and simply sat with her back against my headboard and played with my hair. The contact was soothing. Rosalie was there even longer than Alice, but I really don't remember her leaving.
Judging by the sun rising and setting, Esme visited sometime two days after I'd crashed here. She was the first one to elicit a smile from me. She came in to her mopey teenage daughter's room and clucked her tongue at my clothes on the floor. She picked up my jeans and sneakers and put them in their proper places in my closet. She hummed as she cleaned and let me lay my head in her lap. As with Rose, I have no idea when she left. I don't remember.
On the third day I heard Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Carlisle and Edward head out for a hunting trip. But they were off an extended one. They were headed to the mountains and wouldn't be back for a few days. I sat up for a few minutes but, after catching a glimpse of myself in the darkened window, lay down and rolled back over.
I heard the conversations downstairs between Rose and Esme. That afternoon, Bella came by and told them that she needed to talk to Jake and asked if she could call him. I thought it was weird that she came over to ask permission. I missed the next few hours but heard another knock on my door at sunset on that third day. I hadn't been paying attention and had no idea who it was. The door cracked open and Jake's face peered in.
"Ugh," I sighed pulling the covers back over my head. "Jake, do not come in here. I look like death warmed over."
"Bree, you are death warmed over. Esme said it's been three days since you crashed and burned in here." I felt the corner of my bed sink as he sat down on the edge.
I didn't respond. I just curled up in my bed a little more. "Oh no you don't," I heard Jake say from my spot underneath the comforter. A moment later he had whipped the comforter off my bed and onto the floor, leaving me sitting with my mouth open in the middle of the bed. He picked me up and lifted me over his shoulder, ignoring the fact that I was in a tee shirt and boy shorts.
"Jake," my voice climbed half an octave, "this is not okay. Put me down."
"Would you chill out? Sheesh…" he walked into my bathroom turned the shower on and dumped me inside. I shrieked at the contact with the water. "I will see you in a few minutes." And with that he shut the door behind him.
Fifteen minutes later I stormed out of the bathroom in some clean jeans and a wife beater. I was glad I couldn't blush anymore because I was fully aware that this was a lot more clothing than he'd just recently seen me in. My bed was now made and he was sitting in one of my armchairs swiveling around.
"I thought Bella wanted to talk to you?" I muttered. "I heard her earlier."
"She did but when she found out you were having an existential crisis she said it could wait," he told the toes of his sneakers.
"You know, you're the only one that has gotten me out of that bed in almost four days?"
He nodded not meeting my gaze. I went into my closet and pulled a pair of Alice's couture – albeit comfy – mukluks on. When I turned, Jake was at the closet door. He held his hand out to me, "Let's go for a walk."
This time it was my turn to nod. I took his warm hand and he pulled me into his side and we went downstairs. I left Esme and Rose a note in the kitchen when I didn't see them. I told them that I was with Jake and he'd make sure I was okay.
We walked quietly into the woods at the edge of the yard's clearing. "Jake I'm not allowed on your land. Carlisle told me about the treaty."
"I won't get you in trouble," he assured me. We walked through the dark woods at a human pace for what felt like eons. Once again, the silence didn't bother me. I liked just walking and holding Jake's hand. I didn't get cold anymore but I enjoyed the feeling of his intense warmth. The extreme of it just kept me present. It wasn't like the mellow hues of the woods or the temperate warmth of the rest of the Cullens. Such soft and subtle features just lulled my brain, but Jake's hand was like fire in mine and it made me remember that this was all real and I wasn't a mindless zombie.
The forest eventually broke onto a rocky shoreline. The tree line was separated from the beach by a ramshackle rock wall. The sky was dark and cloudy. I couldn't see any stars; there were no boats on the dark water and the night sky blended the ocean, making the horizon unidentifiable. I stepped ahead of Jake and hopped over the wall. I sat just on the other side. It must've been high tide because the small waves didn't break much more than ten feet from that wall. He joined me and I moved closer to his warmth. I felt him stiffen.
"I'm sorry, am I making you uncomfortable?" I chuckled a little. The thought of my making Jake uncomfortable was amusing to me.
"Oh… no. You bloodsuckers just don't typically like to get this close to us," he reminded me.
It suddenly occurred to me that I had not seen Jacob for a while. Since the day I'd sniffed his packmates, in fact. "Yes, but you may also remember that we're two odd ducks in this scenario."
I told him about my newfound talents about how I could heal or fix things. He found this amazing and didn't believe me until I picked up a smooth stone from the beach, cracked it in two and made it reform in front of his very eyes. I told him about how some things were harder fix than others and how I was able to practice on all the things I broke on a daily basis.
"That's really cool, Bree," he told me. "But it doesn't really give me any insight into why you were laying in a bed that you don't technically need for three solid days."
I knew we'd get to this point eventually. I leaned my head against his shoulder, "I really don't think you want to know."
"Sure I do. Venting helps."
"Okay. But I want to ask you something first because after I tell my story I'm going to be in hysterics and forget."
"Okay, shoot," he allowed.
"What's the deal with you and Bella? You've said so yourself: you and the Cullens should be enemies. I can see no reason for your pack to be willing to stand against the Volturi if you didn't have a reason to be there. And you told me you were here because you were fighting for someone. What gives?"
He was quiet for a moment. Clearly, he did not want to talk about this.
"And," I added, "I heard her this morning Jake. She said she wants 'to talk'. Sounds like the kiss o' death to me."
"Yeah, it's Bella," he said digging into the rocky shore beneath us. "The Cullens had been gone until recently, you know." Jake explained all about how Edward had met Bella but left because he didn't like the idea of her hanging around with vampires. He and the Cullens left, leaving Jake to pick up the shattered remnants of Bella. He told me about how he'd grown to love her and thought that her and Edward weren't good for each other. That it wasn't healthy or natural.
He got really quiet before telling me that just before the confrontation with Victoria, he'd told Bella how he really felt but Bella couldn't return the feeling. Bella wanted to marry Edward. He had a hard time accepting her unconditional forgiveness of Edward's leaving her. He thought he understood her better.
"And now your losing her," I responded. It wasn't a question.
"Yeah. And that's why I'm still here because I still love her. But the more I realize how much she loves him, the more I know her each day… the more it changes. Half the time I don't even know what I'm feeling."
"I know why she wants to talk to me. I could just tell her it's fine and be done with it, but I know she just needs to get it off her chest. So she can feel better."
"But what about you?" I asked.
"I don't know. I try not to think about it. It'll definitely suck, though. All right," he segued, "enough with my depressing life. What's your issue? I mean I've got problems but at least I'm still functional over here."
I took a deep breath and launched into my story. I told him everything too. Not just about my mother like I'd done with Jasper. Nope. The word vomit just came. I told him about how I did my homework on the subways, how I'd picked up coke to stay awake in school, how my mother would sell anything of mine that wasn't fastened down if I didn't make a weekly appearance. I told him about my grandfather. The only positive influence in my life and I never really remembered him.
I maintained composure through this part of my story because it was one I was familiar with. It was fact and there was no getting around it. I'd even told a few people this story on occasion. The next part was hard. Because it was new and it hurt. It made me feel absolutely worthless and I was about four words into my story before I started losing it. I wasn't even sure if I was making sense. I started out with background information and then moved chronologically through time until I came to a point where I was just spilling out my every thought and line of reason.
I recounted my most recent adventure: the trip to my house with Jasper. How I'd had a mental break down on the front lawn and again in the garage. I'd realized for the first time that my mother really and truly did not love me and was happier without me even though – as far as I could tell – I'd been self sufficient since the age of twelve and had given her little to worry about.
I told him about saying goodbye to Ricky and even though I barely knew the kid I wanted so much for him. My only definitive connection between my old world and new was Ricky because I'd known him in both realities. It had been simple and rainy and quick but it was essentially my goodbye to my humanity. I'd told him I was leaving and I was – he just didn't think of it in the same terms as me. And in a few days, maybe he'd be reading the local paper and see the few short sentences about me. He'd think I was gone; killed or OD'd but I would really be the same as the last time I saw him. That strangeness, that alternate reality was hard for me to accept.
I confessed how I felt like nothing. I knew my grave would be empty and blank. In a day the garbage men would come around and pick up my things on the side of the road and I might as well have never even been because there would be no proof of my existence. I wasn't even a blip on the radar. That very idea just made me feel so anxious, like everything I'd done, all the shit I'd put up with – my mother, living on the street, dealing with my stupid addiction all to graduate and move the hell on – had been worth absolutely nothing because it all dissipated in a second, with one lethal bite to my jugular. The world with one less junkie? No major loss.
I finished pouring out the contents of my brain into Jacob's lap and completely lost it. If Jasper thought he'd had it bad he was sorely delusional. I was in the middle of civilization when all this initially happened. I'd kept it together fairly well by yelling and stomping around.
But here on the rocky shore of the Pacific Ocean with nothing but me and Jake, I just turned into a complete pile of mush. I absolutely disintegrated and wouldn't have been surprised if I became so fluid I sank through the very pile of stones I sat on.
Jacob came to sit in front of me. He lifted my shoulders and held my face in his warm hands. That alone calmed me because just like before, it brought me back. I was no longer sitting on the sidewalk next that shack and a four-foot pile that constituted my entire material existence. I was in Forks; I had a family and a bedroom and some brothers and sisters and friends and people that cared about my well-being on more than a superficial basis.
"Oh my god," I mumbled covering my mouth. "I cannot believe I just dumped all that on you. Jake, I'm so sorry. You… you didn't need to hear any of that and–"
"Bree. You need to tell someone. And just know that you'll never disappear. You can feel this," he shook my head slightly, "and I can feel it too. It means this is all real. And if it makes you feel better I will tell anyone who'll listen about you. And before you know it the whole state will be talking all about you. But I bet it will get old quick, because everyone will think you're so damn funny, amazing, intelligent and kind that they'll all want to meet you and you'll never be able to leave your house ever again. You'll have to hide from the hordes of humanity looking to meet such an fantastic person."
"Jake, I…" I muttered.
"No. No one can make you feel like crap unless you let them. It's all sticks and stones but you've proven your tough as nails."
I offered him a sad smile and moved closer, hugging him around the waist. "Thank you Jacob," I muttered to his chest.
"Wow… what has the world done to you, Bree?"
