Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.

Author's Note: Once again, thank you to those who have taken the time to review!
So, there are a lot of people itching to find out what happened to Buffy it seems... well, I'm just going to give you an advanced warning that you're going to have to be patient for that bit of information to come to light. If it's not obvious already, I like a bit of suspense. ;)


Chapter 10: Sewer Talks

The Sunnydale sewers were a place that I hadn't realized how much I hated until I was already deep in the maze of the underground tunnels. Buffy had been uncharacteristically silent since we'd slipped underground, and I couldn't blame her. I was certain that like me, she was remembering the last time we'd been down there together – when I'd lied and told her I didn't want her in my life.

She walked a few paces in front of me, and I would be happy that I couldn't see her face, except the pained expression she wore as I caused her world to crash down around her that day would be burned into my memory until the day I died. To be honest, I wasn't sure I ever had to worry about any happiness clause anymore, just remembering her in that moment was enough to crush any feelings of joy I could possibly experience. It may have still been two more years until she died for her sister, but I still feel like I killed a little part of her then, a part that even Willow couldn't resurrect.

As we continued to wind through the intricate passageways, I noticed Buffy turning briefly to glance at me intermittently. I said nothing, and simply continued to follow her in silence, deciding that perhaps she was just making sure I was still there – a notion that was completely foolish considering I knew she could feel my presence as strongly as I could feel hers.

"So," she said finally, breaking the silence, "You going to tell me what's eating you or what?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, stepping to her side.

She shot me an incredulous look, and crossed her arms over her chest, "Fine."

She turned to face front again, and continued walking with her eyes fixed steadily in the direction she was heading, as though she were trying to ignore me.

"Don't be like that Buffy," I pleaded.

"Don't be like that?!" she scoffed, "You don't be like that!"

I stopped, throwing my hands out to the side in defeat, "You have to give me something here, I honestly don't know what you're talking about."

She spun to face me, frustration written clearly on her face, "You're being Mr. Cryptic again."

I just studied her. She sighed, I supposed I looked as confused as I felt, "You show up to patrol, you don't talk about anything other than this stupid scroll, and then you disappear!"

"This could be serious Buffy, there's-"

"There's something bothering you and I don't understand why you can't tell me what it is!" she exclaimed. She looked hurt, desperate.

"It's not important Buffy, we have other things to deal with." I replied calmly.

"If my problems are important enough to talk about then so are yours!" she argued.

I watched her as she fidgeted in front of me. She looked like she was at her wits end, like she was trying to hide the fact that she was concerned. I wondered if maybe she thought I was pushing her away.

"I don't want to burden you Buffy," I told her, I should have known that wouldn't be enough to silence her.

"Burden me! Please burden me! I'm tired of everyone tip-toeing around me, especially you!"

"Listen to me, this scroll could spell the end of the entire human race. This isn't just an isolated Hellmouth incident, this could literally wipe out the entire world." I said calmly, hoping that she'd drop the subject.

"Stop talking about it! We don't even know if this is the right scroll anyway! We don't even know if the demon found it or just found an empty box!" she seethed.

"It found something, you know that." I pressed.

"Why are you so obsessed with this thing?!"

"Because it could kill you!" I blurted.

Instead of coming up with a retort, she simply stared at me with wide eyes.

"Maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal to you right now, but there are a lot of people who would be destroyed if they lost you again... myself included." I finished quietly.

She shook her head in disbelief, "That's it? You think I have a deathwish?!"

"No, I'm just worried that in your current mindset you might get a little careless."

Fury momentarily flashed through her eyes, but it was quickly replaced by insult, "Is that why you're here? Because you think I'm slacking?"

"No." I responded quickly.

"Because I've been doing everything I can! It's not my fault it's been slow here!"

"I never said it was. Buffy, I know what you've been hiding, and I'm just trying to make it easier on you." I said gently. This was not going well.

"Then talk to me!" she cried, "Treat me like you used to!"

"I thought we were supposed to keep our distance."

She grinned sardonically, "Yeah, I thought so too, but then you set up camp in my town again."

"To help. Nothing more."

She shook her head again, "Of course..." she chuckled dryly, then glanced around at our dank surroundings, "Man, what is up with us and sewers!?"

"Let's just keep looking for the Valkesch," I urged, "We've still got a lot of ground to cover."

"Not until you talk to me." she replied stubbornly.

"Buffy, can we do this later?" I sighed.

"No!"

"Oh this is too good!" came a voice from behind me. I turned, to find Spike sauntering down the tunnel towards us.

"It seems I've stumbled onto the Buffy and Angel show! Drats, I forgot the popcorn..."

"Don't you have somewhere else you can skulk?" Buffy almost growled, evidently unhappy about having an audience.

"Actually, Giles told me there was a big nasty lurkin' down here with some sort of hocus pocus artifact that could end the world, so I thought I'd have a look-see." he explained casually.

"Giles told you about what was going on?" I asked incredulously.

"I help from time to time!" his tone was defensive.

"Only because you can't hang with the real demons anymore." Buffy grumbled.

"I can so!" he sulked, "I just choose not to!"

"Face it Spike, you've got nowhere else to go." Buffy huffed.

"It's not like you've been complainin'!" he spat, "I help you out with Dawnie, keep my ear to the ground for any happenings in the demon world... yeah, it was all fine and dandy until Soul-Boy here walked back into the picture!"

"Watch it Spike..." I growled.

"You know, it really is a shame you two can't do anythin' about all this pent up sexual tension, I'm sure it'd do you two a world of good to release some of it."

"Spike... if you know what's good for you, you'll keep walking." Buffy said in a lowered and dangerous tone.

"I mean it!" he continued nonetheless, "I meant what I said those years ago; this will end up killin' you both."

Her at the very least, but Spike didn't need his ego stroked by knowing that there was a grain of truth in what he said.

"Think about it; one of you will slip up, you always do when you're together. Then it's just a matter of how dire the consequences are."

I turned to Buffy to see her glaring dangerously in Spike's direction as he grinned cheekily at her. Realizing she wasn't in the mood for his antics, his expression quickly changed, and he stuffed his hands deeply into his duster pockets as his shoulders slumped, "Fine then, I can tell when I'm not wanted!" he huffed before glaring pointedly at Buffy, "I liked you better when you were all void of emotion you know, so much easier to get along with!" he took a step backwards before pointing a finger at me, "I'm blamin' this on you Peaches."

I suppressed a growl as he spun on his heel and began to saunter back down the tunnel in the direction he'd come from. Suddenly he turned back around to shout towards us, "The western tunnels have been searched already! You're welcome!"

Then he was gone.

The scowl Buffy had on her face during our disagreement earlier was nothing compared to the one she wore now. She looked deep in thought, as she stood beside me motionless, her arms crossed over her chest. Finally she turned around to continue our path, the tunnel split into two separate passageways. "You feel like splitting up?" she asked quietly.

"Not really," I replied.

"Good. You take right, I'll go left." she instructed before storming off down the left tunnel without so much as a glance in my direction.

"O...kay." I muttered, watching her go with a sense of defeat before turning to my right and making my way down my own tunnel.

Anger was better than indifference, I supposed, but I couldn't help wondering why we couldn't manage to feign just being friends anymore.

~0~

It had been two and a half weeks since Buffy and her Scooby gang had arrived unannounced on my doorstep, and in that time our situation had not grown any less dire.

Even with the extra hands and eyes to help with the research, we couldn't seem to uncover any reliable information about the scroll, and leaving the Hyperion was becoming more and more perilous.

The government had finally announced that they would be placing Los Angeles under quarantine at the end of the week due to the amount of citizens suffering from the mysterious fever, and the news had not been taken well. Riots tore apart the streets every other day, and though looting hadn't started yet, I knew it would only be a matter of time before the population's desperation got the best of them. They wouldn't realize it, but I knew they could not evade Famine's influence forever.

Though it seemed many of them were afraid they would start to get cabin fever, Buffy and I had decided anyone who had no supernatural means of defence was now forbidden from leaving the hotel. Dawn was the only one who really put up any sort of fight, but I could see on the other's face that they were both frustrated and frightened. The others had known Buffy and me long enough to know we wouldn't exclude them from anything slaying related unless absolutely necessary, and the fact that it was now necessary was pretty harrowing.

Buffy, Spike and I alternated nights patrolling the streets in order to keep an eye out for any clues of what might be going on, as well as to keep the general peace amongst the civilians. Willow and Tara often ventured out as well, though only during the day.

I was sitting alone in my office, pouring over a copy of Revelations for the hundredth time. I was sure I'd committed the passage to memory by now, but I was still hoping to find some sort of hidden clue or code that perhaps we'd overlooked, when the front door banged open, letting the chaotic noise from the streets pour into the lobby before it was slammed shut again. Footsteps echoed over the floor in a rushed pace before my office door was thrown open as unceremoniously as the front one had been.

"It is a mess out there Angel-cakes!" the visitor sighed, before a green hand raised itself to pluck the fedora off of his head to reveal an equally green face and a pair of small red horns.

"Lorne?!" I announced in surprise. It had been over three weeks since I'd seen the Pylean, and I'd simply assumed that he'd made a swift escape before things had gotten too hectic. "What are you doing here?"

"What? I can't drop in to make sure you haven't all been ripped to bits by the psycho's out there? Well excuse me for caring!" he scoffed.

"You know that's not what I mean." I grumbled.

He grinned, "I know Big-Man, I'm just trying to lighten the mood, things are getting pretty hairy around here."

"You're telling me."

He brushed some dirt off the brim of his hat, before readjusting his blazer and falling into the seat opposite my desk, "So, I saw the strangest thing last night." he began.

"Was it a knight riding around on a floating horse?" I asked.

"Hey! Sweetcheeks! I'm the psychic one, not you!" he retorted, then after a pause, "But yes."

My fingers gripped the edges of my book tightly, "What colour was the horse?" I asked hesitantly.

"Black, why?"

"Shit!" I swore, slamming the book closed and leaning back in my chair.

Lorne jumped slightly, then peered over the edge of my desk at the book title, "The Bible? Not your usual source of reference but..." he trailed off, his red eyes flickered back up to my face with a completely disbelieving expression, "Please tell me this is a joke."

"Unfortunately I can't do that Lorne."

"Please tell me I did not just see one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!"

"You did." I whispered.

"Why can't the Easter Bunny be real instead..." he mumbled, "Is this what's causing all the trouble out there?"

I nodded, "I'm guessing you haven't heard anything?" I asked hopefully.

He shook his head as he ran a hand over his face, "Nothing more than demons celebrating the chaos. Though in hindsight, they all did look a little too happy..."

I rose from my chair and began pacing back and forth behind my desk,"This is bad. If the last of the horsemen appears it could literally bring hell on earth with it."

"Well! We'll just have to do something about it then, won't we?!" Lorne exclaimed confidently, though his expression fell when he saw the look on my face, "We can do something about it... can't we?"

"We're looking into it," I muttered, there was really no way to put a positive spin on what was going on out there, or the lack of information we'd found on it.

"That sounded very reassuring, Angel, thank you for that," Lorne replied sarcastically.

I was about to reply when my office door was pushed open again, and Buffy slipped through quietly. She cast a confused glance at the back of Lorne's green head before turning back to me.

"How did it go tonight?" I asked her.

She sighed, and crossed the room towards me, "No better, no worse. Things are holding steady at anarchy for the time being..." now standing beside the chair where Lorne sat, her brow furrowed as she studied the demon sitting across from me, "Who's this?"

"You can call me Lorne," he answered, looking Buffy up and down, "And who might you be, Dollface?"

Buffy blinked at him in disbelief, and I could see the tiny spark of anger that had ignited in her eyes as she turned to me, "He called me Dollface... can I punch him?"

"No, don't punch him," I tried my best to keep from chuckling, I knew she probably wouldn't appreciate it, "This is Lorne, he runs a demon bar called Caritas. He helps from time to time. Lorne, this is Buffy she's-"

"The Slayer!" Lorne exclaimed jumping up from his seat, and grabbing her hand to shake it enthusiastically, "It's nice to finally meet you! I've heard so much about you!"

"Really?" she asked, now looking a little stunned.

"Well, maybe not that much, just whatever things were floating around in Angel's head," he explained with an unnecessary wink in my direction.

"Lorne can read auras, and destinies," I explained, noting the confused look on Buffy's face.

"Oh."

"It works best if you sing for me," Lorne added with a smile, though I wished he hadn't when I saw the amused expression on Buffy's face.

"You sang for him?" she asked, a twinkle in her eye.

"It wasn't anything to write home about sweetheart," Lorne chuckled, "Well, I don't want to interrupt you two, so I'd best get going."

He placed his hat back atop his head, and took a few steps towards the office door.

"Are you sure it's safe for you to be out there?" I asked.

He shrugged as he turned back to me, "I made it here in one piece, didn't I? Besides, once I'm back at Caritas I'll be safe."

I nodded, "If you need anything, don't hesitate,"

"You got it Angel-face... and if I hear anything, I'll let you know."

Then he slipped out the door, leaving Buffy and I alone in my office - something we'd been avoiding since she'd shown up two weeks prior.

It was different when the rest of the gang was around, we could focus on the task at hand, we had a million different things to concentrate on, pulling us in a million different directions. When we were left alone, the tension from our encounter on the cliffs just after she'd been resurrected found its way back to the surface. It got painful again.

"Well, he's... interesting." she stated, sliding into the chair Lorne had occupied mere moments ago.

"That's one way of putting it." I grinned.

She smiled back, then cast her eyes to the ground as the uncomfortable silence enveloped us again. I fell back into my chair, and noted the large desk separating us. It seemed rather fitting to have something so large wedged between us.

"Was there something else you wanted to talk about?" I asked, she looked hesitant to speak, and I knew if she'd seen anything strange on her patrol she definitely wouldn't hold it back.

She grinned, then began to chew her bottom lip thoughtfully, "You know, it's really nice of you to let us all crash here," she said.

"There's no way I'd leave you all out there to fend for yourselves, you know that. Besides, there's strength in numbers, right?"

"I know," she sighed, "I was just worried we'd be intruding."

"You could never intrude on my life," I replied earnestly, and I saw her cheeks redden slightly before she looked down to her lap and there was another moment of silence.

"Look, I need to give you something," she began, not looking anymore at ease.

"Sure," I answered simply, though I was confused by her discomfort.

With a subtle nod, she lifted her hand to dig inside her coat pocket, pulling out a plain, sealed envelope. She held it out over the desk until I took it in my hand. "You can't open it." she instructed.

"Why not? What is it?" I asked, looking from the mysterious envelope to the woman who sat across from me.

"It's my will." she said softly.

The envelope suddenly felt like a weight in my hands, and placed it on the desk in front of me before recoiling from it like it were a cross. "Buffy... I don't understand..."

"What's not to understand?" she almost scoffed, "I face death on a daily basis Angel, I should be prepared."

I finally looked back up to her, she suddenly looked much older and more burdened than I was used to seeing her.

"Maybe it wasn't such a big deal when I was just a teenager, and I didn't have to look out for anyone else... but Dawn's in the picture now... and I guess it didn't really hit me until I... went away..." she stammered, "But if I'm gone then she's got nothing."

"That's not true Buffy, you know your friends will take care of her." I comforted her.

"I know... but that's not good enough to Child Protective Services." she grimaced.

I frowned, I didn't like that she had so much extra stress in her life, it was enough that she had to save the world every other week. "So why are you giving it to me?" I asked.

"Because I figure it's the safest place," she shrugged, then began to bite her lip again, "... and because if something does happen to me, I appointed you Dawn's legal guardian."

I felt my eyes grow wide in shock as I digested her words, "Do the others know?" I asked, imagining Xander's complete outrage, and Giles' disapproval.

"No. I don't really think they want to hear about me making up a will... besides, when it comes down to it, it's not their decision what's best for Dawn. I know it'll probably make them angry, but I know you can keep her safest."

I didn't reply, I just kept staring at the small, yet horrible, envelope still lying on the desk in front of me. The document that laid out all of Buffy's final wishes.

"Dawn's not a normal teenager. I mean, for now we assume she's safe, but we don't know if there are other people or things who knew about The Key. If something else comes after her, and I can't protect her..." she looked up to me with pleading eyes, "I need to know she'll still be safe."

I still didn't answer, I was too overwhelmed. The thought of losing Buffy again was my worst nightmare in and of itself, now the knowledge that I would be responsible for her own flesh and blood in her absence felt daunting.

"You're not angry, are you?" she asked, her voice was so small and uncertain.

"No, no I'm not..." I assured her, "Just shocked, and maybe a little flattered... I think."

She smiled slightly, "I know this seems completely out of left field... but you were the first person that came to mind... I'd still trust you with my life."

I studied her sadly, all I wanted to do in that moment was take her in my arms and comfort her, but I knew it would do neither of us any good. "Of course I'll take care of her Buffy," I answered finally, with my best attempt at a smile, though inside I was cringing in fear.

She sighed in relief before pushing herself out of the chair, "Thank you Angel, it means a lot to me." she turned, and began to leave the room.

"Buffy?" I called just as she reached the door and pulled it open, she turned, her eyes questioning as she studied me.

"I..." I stopped myself, realizing how foolish it would be to say those words to her, "I'll always be here for you, you know that, right?"

She smiled warmly, it made my heart ache, "I know Angel."

And she disappeared out the door.

I exhaled, it was long and unnecessary. I'd almost told her I loved her before she'd walked out that door. I hadn't said those words to her in years – not because they weren't true, but because I knew what kind of heartache they would cause the both of us. No matter how badly we wanted it, nothing could ever happen between us again. Our encounter on the cliffs was proof enough of our lack of willpower.

Returning my attention to the envelope, I opened one of my desk drawers and shoved it inside. Praying that it would be a long while before I'd have to remember it was in there.

~0~

Opening my eyes, I found myself once again staring at the mansion ceiling. Blinking a few times, I let myself dwell on the events in my dream. I wondered how Lorne was doing, whether I should try to contact him and get him to keep an eye out for any strange activity.

I'd never found out what happened to him after Los Angeles had been destroyed. Once Buffy had been killed, and we'd decided to try and find a way off the Continent, I'd told him he was probably better off travelling on his own. He could blend in with the rest of the demon community, and if he kept his head down, he could probably stay out of trouble long enough to get to safety. He'd protested at first, but I explained that travelling with a bunch of humans would put a target on his head. He reluctantly gave in, and a few days later he was gone. I never saw him again.

My thoughts swiftly turned back to the conversation with Buffy. I wondered if she was thinking about writing up a will right now... I wondered if maybe she already had one stashed away somewhere.

I had always understood that Buffy stared danger in the face every day, however, it had been so long since I last cared about my own demise that it never really occurred to me until constantly fixating on it over the past few weeks, that for Buffy, staring danger in the face, meant staring death in the face.

Dwelling on it now, the decision to leave her so she could have a normal life, with children and a white picket fence did seem silly; of course she hadn't been thinking about those things, she'd been thinking about getting through the week alive.

I didn't have time to wonder if she was still angry with me, as a dark-haired head appeared over the back of the couch, staring down at me.

"So! Ye've finally upgraded to the sofa!" Doyle teased.

I sat up, rubbing the back of my neck, "I figure I'll work my way back up to the bed..." I grumbled, swinging my legs over the edge of the cushions so my feet were on the ground. Doyle was suddenly sitting next to me, and I wasn't sure if I was simply too distracted to have noticed him round the couch to sit, or if he had appeared there.

"You two got in a little tiff, didn't ye?" he asked quietly.

I sighed, leaning forward so my elbows were resting on my knees, "This is harder than I thought it would be... She knows me too well, she can tell I'm hiding something."

"An' that's a bad thing?" Doyle asked.

"Normally, I'd say no, but her life is on the line here."

Doyle's expression was caught somewhere between a smirk and a frown, like he couldn't quite decide whether he found my predicament amusing or disturbing. Finally he sighed, and sunk further into the cushions, "Then tell her the truth!"

"You know that won't go over well," I scoffed, "Besides, wouldn't your friends upstairs frown on that?"

"Not about that," Doyle sighed, "About how you feel."

I chuckled, and shook my head, "Because that never causes any problems; Buffy and I being honest about how we feel..."

"Fine! I'm an idiot, I don't know what I'm talkin' about!" Doyle announced in exasperation, "But consider this; are ye doing this because the Powers asked ye to? Or because ye love her?"

I turned to look at him again. The smart-alec smirk had returned to his face, and he folded his arms behind his head.

I sighed, and pushed myself off the couch, "This isn't just about saving Buffy; it's a chance to change the course of history, to keep all the horrors, and death, and destruction from occurring... It's not that simple," I explained.

"What's not that simple?" A voice asked from behind me as a paced in front of the sofa.

Turning towards the main entrance, I discovered Buffy standing just inside the front door, and extremely puzzled and concerned look on her face.

I turned back to the couch, and discovered it was empty. Doyle must have left, leaving me looking like I was in the middle of a very heated conversation with myself.

"Buffy... I... um... nothing. I wasn't saying anything." I stammered in embarrassment.

With her brow knitted together, she took a step into the room and looked around, "Are you talking to yourself?" she asked.

"No! I was... I... um..." I would have lied and said I was on the phone, but there was clearly nothing in my hands.

"Angel, you can't tell me not to worry about you and then start having conversations with yourself... it's not very convincing." she said with a frown as she approached the sofa.

"I wasn't talking to myself," I assured her.

"Really? Cause that's what it looked like." she answered softly.

Her eyes still scanned the room, as though she were expecting something to jump out of the shadows. I could see apprehension in her eyes, and I remembered that the last time she saw me in such a state I was being tormented by The First, and had nearly ended my own life. She wasn't frightened that I was insane, she was frightened of something else.

"I'm fine, Buffy." I repeated, in the calmest, most confident voice I could muster, "What are you doing here, anyway?" I asked.

Chewing her lip, she flopped down onto the sofa, and looked up at me sheepishly, "I wanted to apologize." she explained quietly.

"Apologize?"

"For last night," she clarified, "Spike... he just knows how to push my buttons."

I squirmed at her use of language, I didn't like to think of anyone 'pushing her buttons', let alone Spike.

"I really shouldn't let him get to me like that," she sighed.

I sat down beside her, my teeth clenched as I fought back the urge to storm out into the day and beat some sense into Spike – again. "He has his ways," I replied as calmly as I could.

"And I know that, yet... when he starts talking... it just gets under my skin, no matter how much I tell myself that I can't let it."

I frowned, I wished I had some advice for her on how to ignore him, although I was sure she wouldn't be interested in the methods Angelus had employed years ago.

"Especially when it comes to you." she continued so quietly that I almost thought I'd imagined it.

"Me?" I asked.

"Yeah," she answered just as softly. Her eyes were cast to the floor, and she twisted her hands in her lap as though she were nervous.

"Why? Why would that bother you?" I asked her.

She sighed again, "Do you remember that time he was talking about last night? What he said to us?"

"Yeah," I answered morosely. His words would be burned in my brain until I eventually crumbled to ash. Words that rung so true that it had caused Buffy to walk away from me, even though it had just been temporarily at the time.

"Well, he was right then... and he still is now." she whispered.

She finally looked back up at me. Her eyes were full of turmoil, and she paused for a long time before continuing, as though she needed to gather strength to go on.

"When you're around Angel... it's exhausting." she murmured, "I can act like we're just working together, I can put on a brave face, and save the world, and pretend like nothing's wrong... but the truth is it throws me and it always will. Because no matter what we decide, no matter how many times I can try and fail miserably at having a normal life, the truth is-"

She stopped herself, and her mouth twitched into an embarrassed smile. I waited silently for her to finish, to see if she would say the words we'd carefully avoided speaking to each other for years, but she didn't.

"So I get frustrated, and angry, and I lash out... normally at you." she explained, "So, I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know before it happens again, that I don't mean it, and you don't deserve it."

"You don't need to explain yourself to me Buffy," I replied. Having her be so open and honest was just making it all that much harder to hide the truth from her. I was thankful I'd become an expert at carrying guilt over the years.

"I know," she continued, "but I wanted to anyway."

I found myself unable to look her in the eyes, it wasn't fair that she could be so straightforward with me, yet I had to hide behind lies. I thought about what Doyle had said, and wondered if half-truths would be enough to win back her trust.

"I'm sorry too," I began, sinking back into the cushions beside her, "I know it seems I've been hiding things from you... it's just-" I paused briefly, I was quite sure how to say this to her. For something that had been so all-consuming for me for so long now, I didn't understand how it could be so hard to put into words. "The day I walked through the front door of the Hyperion and found Willow sitting there... I knew there was only one reason she would show up on her own like that, I knew that you were..."

Dead.

I couldn't even bring myself to utter the words. She was sitting here, staring at me, and even still I couldn't bear to think of her being gone. "It was the single worst day of my life. In all my two hundred-plus years, nothing has ever made me feel that way before, and now that you're back... remembering how it felt to know I'd never see you again, and thinking that I may have to experience that again one day... it terrifies me."

I could feel her eyes burning holes into the side of my head, but I refused to turn and look at her, I was too afraid of what I might do. The second time had been worse, just remembering it now sent chills up my spine, and I wondered what it would do to me if I couldn't keep her from dying again. The thought of another hundred years of death, destruction and loneliness was almost enough to send me over the edge. I knew if I looked at her in that moment, I would want to damn the curse and lose myself in her.

"I'm a big girl now Angel," she whispered, "I can take care of the little things myself." she continued a little more confidently, "It's not going to scare me to know all the details, I can handle it. And if I die again... well... it's part of the job, I get that now."

I finally turned to her, "I don't want you to," I blurted before I could stop and think of the repercussions.

She smiled sadly, "I don't want it either, but I can't ignore the fact that it comes with the territory, and I'm not going to not do what I need to because I'm afraid of it."

I returned her smile, then averted my gaze back to the floor. I knew she was right, she was never one to back down, especially when what she was facing could potentially hurt those she cared about. For as much as her trip to the afterlife had scarred her, it had made her stronger as well.

"I'm sorry," I sighed, "It's hard to remember sometimes that you've grown up, since-"

"Since we never see each other anymore?" she finished.

I frowned, "Yeah, I guess."

"Well, maybe once you get back to L.A. we could change that." she suggested with a hopeful smile that I wanted so badly to return, however I knew keeping in touch with Buffy was never something that would be easy on either of us.

"We'll see," I replied quietly.

Her smile faded, but she nodded in understanding, before turning to glance at her watch, "I should get going... job interview in a half an hour." she announced as she pushed herself off the sofa.

"Really? Where?" I asked, almost dreading the response.

She grimaced, and barely turned back to look at me as she replied, "Fast food joint... it's called the DoubleMeat Palace."

"Buffy..." I sighed.

"Don't. Okay?" she grumbled, "I need money, and my options are limited, so..."

"But you can still do better," I reassured her.

"Can I? I've got a high school diploma, and extensive knowledge of how to turn everyday items into useful demon-killing weapons – you're right, there's a huge market out there for me."

"You're smarter than you give yourself credit for, I know you can aim higher than that." I pressed, dreading the sudden mental image I had of her in some horribly coloured, polyester uniform, shovelling fries into tiny cardboard boxes. There was no way The Slayer should be reduced to that.

"Yeah, well... I need to support Dawn, and this is what's available."

"Let me help you," I pleaded.

"Angel, no. I need to do this on my own! I'm not-"

"Just hear me out! Okay?" I replied forcefully. She instantly shut her mouth, and glared at me with a dangerous glint in her eye, "Something is going on right now, and we still don't have all the details. The last thing you need is to be distracted by some crappy minimum wage job, while trying to put food on the table." her arms were now crossed over her chest and her brows her knitted together angrily, "Let me help you out just while I'm here. That's all. You can focus on what's coming, and have peace of mind that you'll still have a roof over your head at the end of the day... whatever you do afterwards is your call."

Her expression softened, and she seemed to be weighing her options internally. Finally she nodded slightly, "While you're here... but that's it."

"I swear." I promised.

"Okay," she agreed, "...Thank you."

I nodded, "I'll always be there to help, Buffy."

She studied me forlornly for a moment, and I didn't quite know what to make of it. She once again looked like she was contemplating something she didn't want to tell me.

"I know," she simply whispered, then turned to cross back to the door, pulled it open, and disappeared into the daylight.

Sinking deeper into the sofa, I stared at the door. I wasn't sure how much longer my self-restraint could hold, dancing around her at arms length was becoming more exhausting by the day.


Okay, I suppose I'll need to address Buffy's excessive bitchiness at the beginning of the chapter... I know it's pretty OOC, but Buffy and Angel are pretty in tune with each other, and she can tell he's hiding something (which of course we know is a colossal secret that he can't tell her), and that's gonna probably drive her up the wall considering he insists on hanging around to protect her - at least that's my opinion - and what I hope the last scene in this chapter conveyed.

This was also my first attempt ever at writing Lorne (eep!), he makes a few more cameos, so I hope I didn't completely destroy his character.

Please review!