Sex with Gail was a mistake. It didn't solve anything. We still had same problems we had before and I didn't want to get pulled in so easily. I needed reassurance before I let her in again. I left her in bed and went back to the morgue. I needed place to think. I had to get my life in line before I think about new relationships or any new person. I missed my wife. She always could offer good advice and calm me. I know that it doesn't say a lot of nice things about me to think about her after having sex with a woman she knew I loved, but I did. I was thinking about what would she advise me to do. As I usually do, I searched for escape in my work. This time it didn't involve cutting into someone but making plan how to improve this department. I made them such precise work chart and possible sanctions if their performance is not satisfying. Of course, writing about satisfying performance brought us back to thinking about Gail. People started to arrive around nine. They were all in a good mood, smiling, having fun and it was getting on my nerves. I called them all for a meeting.

''I believe some of you haven't met me yet. My name is Dr. Holly Stewart and I'm your new boss. I remember that working under dr. Sims could sometimes seam like vacation, but I can assure you that it will not be like that anymore. I want you all working at eight. It says that you have eight hours shift, you get prayed for that and yet deliver much less hours. It will not work like that anymore. I want this place to run like Swiss watch. You don't arrive here at eight, you ARE working already. On the board will be list of people who would be working extra hours because of their slacking. And to answer your question you don't dare to ask..No, you will not be paid extra. You would be working for the money you received and didn't work. One more thing…. In here, there are no VIP bodies. Everybody is the same. I don't care who is on the table, at that moment person you work on is VIP. If you don't give me your best, I have no problem with letting you go. I need people who want to work, not slack. Questions?''

I don't remember this kind of silence ever. No one said a thing. They were lost for words and in absolute shock, including people who worked with me before I left. They were silent and looking at me with surprise and some fear.

I was having some problems with documents when someone knocked at my door. It was Gail. She came with coffee and some food.

''Hey…''

''Hey..''

''I brought food…and coffee.''

''Thank you… I needed to eat something….''

''Can we talk about last night?''

''I'm not sure if we have something to talk about?''

''Holly… Please… Don't do that…''

''What?''

''Be the cat instead of me…''

''I can't be the cat… Someone cut our tree.''

''Maybe just some branches…but the roots and the body are still there…''

''Gail, last night… It was a mistake. It can't happen again?''

''What? Why?''

''My life fell apart four weeks ago. I lost someone I loved very deeply and I came back into this chaos. Do you really expect me to start dating you that soon?''

She didn't like where this was heading…

''Just because we tried to clear some things out doesn't mean we are getting married tomorrow and living a perfect life. We are not the same people we were before. We changed… Things in our lives changed…. I didn't want you to leave, get pregnant and not see you for so long. I didn't want to escape my pain and marry someone else and have a nice life with that person just to lose her….I didn't want any of these things but they happened…''

''What do you want me to do?''

''Give me time to breath… Give me time to come to terms with my loss and all the other things we have to deal with regarding your letters and things that happened.''

''How much do you need?''

''I don't know.. We will have to see each other at work. You would be coming here to get your info and that's fine. But please, out of work… I need to recover and get myself together.''

''Than, give me a call when you are ready.''

It took me six months to call her. I wanted to do it much earlier, but I couldn't. I needed to be ready and to trust myself with her again. I never stopped loving her, but I stopped trusting her. I still had my doubts about that story about letters and her closeness with Nick. One night after work I went to buy food and run into Tracy. We haven't spoken since I left and this was our chance. I invited her back to my place and made us dinner.

''I'm sorry for your wife. Gail told me…''

''How is she?''

''She is being Gail… Fighting a war against her mother and Nick about the wedding, raising Damian and trying to be the best detective possible…''

''She never lacked ambition…''

''No, just support…''

''Yeh, mama Peck doesn't seam like person for that job…''

''No, she is piece of work…''

''What happened to you and Steve?''

''I'm not sure if I should talk about this…''

''You can trust me…''

''I learned he helped you mom get rid of some letters Gail wrote to you…''

''So, they do exist…''

''They are burned now…''

''Why would they do that?''

''I don't know. I believe there is always a battle inside of us making us choose between job and feelings. Is she going to be the best cop and please her mother or give it all up for you… That was very unfair to both of you… That's why I left. And their mother never liked me. She treated my soon pretty badly and that's not a family I want to have. I want Leo to be loved. ''

''I understand….''

''I know…''

'' He is sixteen, he is acting weird… I think he is in love…''

''That's nice…''

''In love with his best friend…''

''And, that's complicate…''

''It gets better…''

''Oh?''

''Best friend is a boy, a basketball star of the school…''

''Crap! Seams someone is about to get his heart broken….''

''And maybe some bones… That scares me…''

I took her hand. There is no way you can say someone who knows how teenagers can be cruel that no one is going to pick on him for being gay. But I had to give her something.

''I know. It's not easy especially if he is with the popular kids…They can be bad, I saw it, you saw it.. But, that's life and his experience. Maybe he doesn't get it that hard because he is a basketball star, he is a good student and in some way popular. If he needs someone to talk to, give him my number. I'll be glad to see him again and have a little chat…''

''You will be of more help than me. It's something you experiences….''

''So did you… Falling in love is the same for all. Only difference is that some people fall in love with the same gender so the sex talk can get awkward….''

She started laughing so much that she started crying…

''Holly, don't go there… No sex talk… He is sixteen…''

''That's how old you were when he was born….''

Her smile faded…

''Yes, I was… It sesames so long time ago…''

''When is Ok to stop worrying about him?''

''I think never… You are his mom… You will always worry…''

''I guess you are right…''

''I am so scared for him…''

''Tracy, it's ok to be scared because no one is safe. In our line of work we see and hear a lot of not so nice things. The fact you know so much about streets and people on them is advantage you have. You can tell him that you support him and give him all your love and support. He has to fight for his place in this world. I'm a fighter Tracy and being gay has never stopped me form anything. I made them see me as a brilliant doctor, as a person, not as a label… Show him there is more than label…''

''Speaking of labels… Will you ever give her a call. Girl is staring at that phone for six months…''

''Tracy…''

''No, call her. I can see you miss her as much she misses you…''

''It's complicated….''

''It's Gail… Things are always complicated…''

''Yes, very complicated…''

''Thank you for the drink and the talk… I should get going….''

''See you Tracy….''

She went and I spent two hours staring at my phone. I was thinking about all the good and bad reasons to call or not to call. I made long list in my head and remembered what Tracy said. She would give it all up just to be with me… I had couple of shots before I dialed her number…. She answered and all I could say was the worst possible line…

''Spend the night with me…''