When I woke up, Ava had already left. It was unusually early for her and I knew she didn't have to cater any event before the late afternoon. A look at my phone told me I had to hurry up a little so there was no time to worry about any of this right now. I would try to fix things later.
I felt nervous on my way over to Paige's, a nervousness I wasn't used to. Talking to her doctor would make things more real, wouldn't it? Hearing them talk, worrying about test results. It was an awful feeling, being so powerless, having to rely on what some person in a white coat was going to say about my best friend's future. I had never imagined being in such a situation. Life had been so carefree for me for so many years.
I picked up some bagels for Paige on the way.
When I arrived at Paige's house, she was waiting outside. She was wearing her warm black coat, a fluffy scarf around her neck, her wig resting perfectly atop her head.
"I hope you didn't wait too long." I said concerned when Paige got into my car, buckling her seatbelt.
"Not more than two minutes." Paige replied friendly, greeting me with a hug.
"You nervous?" I asked her, though I knew Paige probably wasn't more nervous than I was myself.
"I'm just happy you're here with me." Paige smiled.
I didn't know where I was going, so Paige told me the directions to the doctor's office, trying to keep the mood casual with random small talk.
She nibbled at the cream cheese bagel, even though I could tell that Paige didn't have an appetite either. Some silly part inside of me wished we were going on a nice trip right now. To the zoo, shopping, ice skating ... anything but this.
"There it is." Paige said slowly, pointing at the big brown building with the many windows behind a huge parking lot.
Walking up the steps to the entrance door felt like going in slow-motion, as if my body was trying to resist going into this doctor's office. I saw the name on the plate next to the door, saw the word oncologist, and the past days were quickly replaying in front of my eyes. How had we ended up here? After seeing Paige in the mirror of the hair salon everything had happened so fast.
Paige stepped inside before me.
So this was the real Gabriela, the woman whom I heard so much about even if most of it were lies.
"You must be Emily." The Mexican greeted me with a handshake. "I mean Miss Fields."
"Emily is fine." I told her, smiling.
"How are you feeling today?" The doctor asked Paige, and I noticed the other woman's eyes scanning Paige's body. I tried to read her mind, tried to make out the tone in her voice.
"I'm okay I think." Paige replied, toying with her sleeves. "Still tired pretty often."
"What about pain?" Gabriela wanted to know and I felt my head turn hot. I hadn't thought much about the side effects. The fact that Paige was sick had been a lot to take in so the idea of her suffering from actual tumour pain was something my mind had avoided.
"My back hurts a lot when I move too much also my arms. The occasional cramps have gotten worse but all in all it's okay. I'm taking my medication."
I felt a huge lump in my throat, grabbing Paige's hand under the table, squeezing it hard. My own hand was icy cold, as if all the blood in my body had flooded to my head, making my cheeks turn red. I could feel my own heartbeat throughout my body.
Gabriela's smile faded as she looked at Paige, her gaze serious.
"Paige, I've looked at your results and you don't have to pretend for anyone, okay? The meds can make it better, I promise. I can add some pills for muscle relaxation, it will help with the cramps."
It was Paige's turn to squeeze my hand now and I could feel her shift nervously on the chair next to me.
"No, I'm good."
"Okay."
Gabriela was staring at some papers in front of her now, taking some notes while swallowing hard.
"I want to talk to you about the test results. Would you like us to do that privately?"
"No." Paige stated, her voice firm. "I have nothing to hide from her."
"All right."
I wanted to ask questions, wanted to hear Gabriela say that it was going to be okay, but I remained quiet. I didn't let go of Paige's hand, not knowing what to focus my eyes on. Gabriela seemed calm and professional but something about her was upsetting. Looking at Paige wasn't an option either because I couldn't stand the expression on her face, didn't know how long I could keep up my self-control. I had to be strong for her. I had to.
"Paige." Gabriela started, her eyes still fixed on the papers. "I'm afraid that... I'm afraid it turned out that the last chemo didn't quite take effect as much as I had hoped... it's..." She swallowed. "There are several more metastases in your bones and your spine, so it's not surprising you feel this pain in your back."
I bit the inside of my cheek hard, Gabriela's words echoing in my mind over and over again.
"Also your lungs are affected."
Paige raised her hand, motioning Gabriela to stop.
"It's okay. Gabby, it's all right. I didn't want that chemo anyway, you know that."
"What are you talking about?" I blurted out, letting go of Paige's hands.
"What do you mean you didn't want it? What does this all mean anyway? I read so much about cancer, so much about liver cancer, the books said it could be healed, they said that - "
"Emily..." the doctor interrupted her, her voice soft. "The thing is that liver cancer is extremely hard to detect in the beginning. The symptoms are usually small, mostly not noticeable enough for a patient to get worried and consult a doctor. In most cases, such as Paige's, liver cancer is detected during a routine examination at a point when it's already too late to treat it before it gets the chance to spread, do you understand that?"
I nodded, my cheeks flushed, my eyes tearing up.
"We were all hoping that the chemo would be more effective, but the cancer is very aggressive. Of course it would be possible to try another round, but I have to admit that I don't think it is going to increase Paige's life expectancy. If anything it is going to make her feel a lot weaker."
Tears were streaming down my cheeks now.
"Hey M&M. No tears, it's not a surprise." Paige's voice sounded soft.
I felt like pushing the goddamn chair away and run out of the small and suffocating office. I pinched my skin hard, wanting to wake up from this nightmare. I would wake up, right? It was just a fucking nightmare.
Of course Paige had already told
me the most terrifying facts. Of course she had told me how slim her chances of recovery were but hearing all this out of a doctor's mouth? Too real. Too fucking real.
"Excuse me." I breathed out, feeling my breath shorten, the lack of oxygen making me dizzy. "I... No. Can't. Need air. I'm sorry."
With that I stood up, stumbling to the door. I pushed against it, frustrated when it didn't open. My vision was blurry but I could still make out the 'Pull'- sign, groaning as I finally managed to open it and run into the hallway. I started coughing, quickly unbuttoning the first few buttons of my blouse, scared of suffocating or fainting. I made my way over to the closest window, shaking hands ripping it open so I'd be able to breathe in some fresh air.
I didn't know how long I had been standing there, my mind empty and dark, until I felt a warm hand on my back.
"Em." Paige whispered, her thumb brushing along my shoulder blade.
"I'm so sorry." I sobbed. "I just couldn't hear it... I .. I wanted to be here for you and now I messed it up completely, oh god."
"No... no no, don't say that." Paige said, her chin resting on my shoulder. "I'm the one who's sorry. I should have known what she had to tell me. I never should have brought you here."
I turned around, looking her straight in the eyes. She was so brave. Paige was so fucking brave. And I was weak. A fucking coward who was trying to be strong for her but felt so close to breaking.
"It's not your fault you're sick."
"It's not your fault either, Em. It's no one's fault. It's life. And life often sucks."
I wondered how Paige managed not to cry. How wasn't she terrified? How did she do it?
"I can't even begin to imagine a life without you, Paige. I don't want it. I don't want it."
I let myself sink onto the floor, back pressed against the wall, and Paige sat down next to me, wrapping her arm around my shaking body. The floor was hard and cold but I didn't care, I buried my head in Paige's neck, letting my tears soak her shirt.
"You know, Em." Paige started, her voice barely audible. "I thought I was going to be okay with dying but now with you back in my life..." Paige had to smile, her gaze dropping. "With you back in my life I kind of don't want to go."
