The knife fell from his open palm to the smooth wood flooring of his room. It tumbled through the air as it hit the ground with a sharp clash that split the atmosphere and rang in the ears of all who could hear it. Alfred's eyes were wide and unmoving, his body unwilling to relax; his mind blank of all thoughts.
"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU JUST DO? !" Arthur screamed as he slammed the door and jumped to the American's side. He flew into Alfred's vision and glared at him as if he was angry that he didn't get an invitation to his killing.
The Brit kicked the knife as far away from Alfred as possible while thoroughly inspecting his neck for any damage. Thankfully his cry of horror from seeing Alfred about to kill himself had stopped the boy's hand from plunging the knife any further to his neck than an inch away before he froze and dropped it.
The lack of response from Alfred was louder than Alfred's last screams would have been.
"Git, say something! Why were you trying to take your life?" Anything to get him to speak.
"...why did you stop me?"
This brought a sudden stillness to Arthur's movements. What...how could he say that? The American left the question unanswered as he tested Arthur again.
"How did you even get in?" he whispered. He almost didn't even expect a reply but the slightly older blonde gave him his answer.
"The door wasn't fully locked. It was easy to open it. And then I saw...I saw what you were about to do-"
"And I would have done it if you had just left me alone!"
He wished desperately for Arthur to vanish and the knife to be back in his willing palm. He wished the time would fly back so that he could properly lock the door. Why hadn't he taken more time into preparing for this instead of just closing the door with his shaky hand?
Arthur saw through Alfred's gaze into his thoughts. Hands clasped shoulders as Alfred's body was thrust forward, closer into Arthur's personal space for emphasis on his next words.
"I will not allow it. You will not kill yourself, ever. I won't let you!"
The smack to his face surprised even Alfred as he looked at Arthur's stunned expression still red on his cheek where he had slapped him.
"I don't have to ask you what I can and can't do! I'm my own person! Don't you dare tell me what to do!"
In Arthur's eyes, the younger blonde's shirt hazed into a shade of blue. The color of sadness, remorse, tears...separation. Alfred's vision blurred with the tears rimming his eyes, causing Arthur's clothing to blend into a fine red.
He hated that color.
"What does it even matter? No one will care if I just die right here and now. I'm sick of my life and all of the shit that happens to me. I have no true friends; my parents divorced and left me mentally scarred. No one knows how much this divorce affected me! I can't even say that word without apologizing to God for sinning and saying it!" Alfred cried. His tears were flowing freely now. Arthur couldn't figure out what Alfred was talking about. "What word?"
"...Love."
The American's eyes said it all. In his mind he was repenting his sin of saying that ugly word.
Sorry God, sorry God, sorry God, sorry God.
"What are you thinking right now?"
Alfred hesitated. He had never told anyone this before. "I have to apologize to God at least four times whenever I read, hear, or say anything about love. I just have to. I can't...I can't survive if I don't."
Sorry God, sorry God, sorry God, sorry God.
"How long has this been going on?"
"I-it started around the time of the divorce I guess. But it only intensified as time went on." Alfred mumbled.
"Why is love such a sin?"
"I'm not allowed to love."
Arthur was taken aback. Not allowed to love. Who could possibly make themselves go through that?
"You're allowed to love, Alfred!"
"Not anymore."
"Does this happen a lot, you apologizing to God I mean?"
"Yes. Almost everything I do I have to apologize. I just feel...I don't know. I just don't feel right if I don't and it's gotten to the point where I'm surprised I don't apologize for breathing."
"People love you, Alfred! I love you. Please don't put yourself through this."
"You don't love me. It's impossible to love someone. They'll just leave you in the end anyways. Even if they stick by you their entire life; nothing beautiful doesn't wither away."
"I do love you, Alfred! And I'll make you accept that!"
His lips crashed into the other's. He saw the pink blush dusting Alfred's face. He saw his hesitance and resistance. Arthur pushed closer determined to show Alfred just how much he really loved him. Not a fake love. He didn't care if their relationship was "fake". He would make it real.
The two parted for air. Alfred looked astonished that he had actually kissed him. Yes, Arthur had kissed him before but the other times had felt almost like mistakes. This time...this time the kiss had reached his heart. He felt a shard of the battered, demolished heart lift from the ground and piece back together. It was just a sliver. Only a tiny part of his innocence he once had.
But it was still there.
"You will learn to love again, whether I teach you the easy way or the hard way. I will beat it into your mind how to love. You are able to care for another, dammit! I won't let you waste your life away alone! People do care about you! I've only known you for such a small amount of time yet I love you! I do." A tear escaped its confinements. "...I do."
Arthur wrapped his arms around the trembling American sitting before him. Alfred's sobs were harder now. Everything Arthur said was a lie, it had to be. There was just no way someone could love him. A fat, ugly, broken person. If his own parents couldn't show their "love" for him properly then how could Arthur?
"I will teach you how to love again, Alfred...and I will make you say you love me without apologizing to God."
Sorry it took me so long to write this. Busy and I'm so tired right now. Hopefully I didn't go too off track. I wanted to get through the important details of his attempted suicide and address Alfred's love issue. Besides the fact that Alfred actually did try to kill himself, these are my problems too. I'm apologizing to God so much right now for writing that word so many times in this chapter, lol. There's also other things Alfred and I have to apologize to God for that aren't really "sins" but we're both just that OCD or something. I wish I had someone like Arthur to help me through this problem though. Alfred's so lucky.
