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The Taming of the Stubborn Inuyoukai
It's been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air
and said "You're crazy"
Five days since you tackled me
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees
It's been three days since the afternoon
You realized it's not my fault
not a moment too soon
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait til you say you're sorry.
—One Week - Barenaked Ladies
Chapter Eleven|Double Edged Love
It was so faint it was a wonder she could feel it at all—the heartache, the lingering call. Kagome was drawn to it, the invisible thread tugged at her even as she worked through her sword forms. She couldn't ignore it, try as she might; however, she did so for him.
He knew where to find her.
Strands of black hair stuck to her forehead and neck as sweat coiled a path down her throat, between her breasts, along her back, and then some. She could feel it coming loose from the high and tight ponytail she's bound it in. With each motion a burst of cold air swept over the bare parts and under her haori, tickling her skin and easing the burn.
She was fighting an unknown foe, striking and watching as electric magenta energy created a trail of light that blended with sharp rainbow steel. She spun, inhaling once, and cut the air as she closed her eyes. The exhale through her mouth left her the moment she stepped into the next position.
It would feel better to hit something, she realized. When she opened her eyes and struck forward she saw him—amber hues, long silver strands, and a heat in his gaze. No, a passion. When he deflected she smiled and struck again. One, two, three, four… over and over again. The clang of metal against metal became a prong of noise—no, a beat—in her ears. It was a song, a series of notes; perhaps theirs. The more she wove into it, the more she followed those motions, the more everything hurt and lifted at the same time.
Kagome flipped back as he drove on, racing towards her. When she landed she remained in her crouched position and lifted the flat of her blade, supporting it with the palm of her hand. When he struck down on her just as she defended, bearing with all his might, she cried out and pushed back with a burst of energy. Another cry; she was stepping forward and up, following her fluid steps with beautifully angry strikes.
When he pulled back again and struck at her with the whip, a thing of raw youki, she struck it back and allowed it to become entangled in her sword. A grin; a burst of overwhelming power; a flick of her wrist. It died and broke apart.
You're not here…. but I wish you were…
And then she jumped, holding her blade high. Her eyes locked on his, watching the way they narrowed and softened. And when he defended her blow this time—the same way she had a moment ago—the image shifted… faded. But, not into nothing as she'd been expecting.
Kagome panted, drew in breath as she relaxed her form and took a step back. They were the same eyes, just not the ones she wanted—the ones that called to her last night and kept her from sleep. Cobalt blues held his for a moment, briefly taking him in: the tied back silver-white strands, the lack of tuff-topped ears on his head, the loose-fitting faded jeans, the long-sleeved fashionable sweater in red with a scarf, and… the way he wasn't saying anything—just carefully watching her with some kind of understanding in his eyes.
She closed hers, exhaling once more, and wiped her brow. And then she looked at him again. A beat of moment passed before she flicked her wrist, silver-pearl reflecting in the light with a rainbow of shimmers, and charged him.
He met her easily, youki pouring off of him—the Tessaiga. Amenonuhoko, the blade in her hand, felt powerful. As she fought him, her emotions an overflowing internal pot, her aura became suffused with whatever the holy weapon offered. Love, anger, joy, regret, and sadness—but, mostly love for a man she wasn't sure would let her save him anymore. And then something clicked; something she hadn't been feeling before. It wrapped up her arm as she continued her assault, sinking into to her muscle fiber even as she both ignored it and fed it.
Somehow her steps, strikes, became smoother than before—faster. And in a matter of moments she had him disarmed, the charge of his weapon dispersing as it struck into the dirt a few yards away. Once again, it looked like an ordinary katana.
She was panting again, grip hard on the hilt in her hand. She was staring at him, this time not looking away. She half wondered why he'd risen to her challenge, why he wasn't saying anything. Not a word… just staring at her with those soft golden depths as they caught their breath.
Eventually though, she did look away. She took purposeful steps towards the old well house and reached for the towel hanging up on a nail. She felt him behind her a moment later as she wiped her face and neck, as she dropped the terrycloth over her shoulder and reached for a bottle of water.
"Not exactly the reunion I was expectin'," she heard him say.
"Same," she murmured before taking a swig. Water trailed down her neck in drops; when she pulled it back, gasping, she wiped her mouth on the towel before turning to him.
She wasn't sure if she should be angry at him. It didn't seem right; he didn't have anything to do with his brother's imprisonment. No, not at all. But, he hadn't told her either. And then there was the surreal uncertainty about how to react. She'd loved him once, after all. Seeing him now… she wasn't in love with him anymore, but memories had a way of tugging. What ones surfaced were bittersweet.
Kagome picked up her sword from where she'd leaned it against the well house. She slid it back into the scabbard and moved to rest it where it had been once more. She wasn't sure what she was more surprised by though with his next course of action: the fact that he felt comfortable enough to hug her, or, that he assumed it would be alright. But… she let the rage caused by Kimi, by her own actions and Sesshoumaru's feelings, ebb away. Kagome shut her eyes and wrapped her arms around him, returning the gesture as her heart swelled. She let herself feel all that she'd told herself she'd feel for years if she ever saw him again.
It didn't seem worth it to be angry at him.
"I'm sorry, wench," he whispered, using her caustic nickname like an endearment as he squeezed once. "I should've just told ya."
She felt laughter bubbling, caught up in a sob. "It's alright. You were always a moron."
"Still am." He held her a bit longer, letting his slightly larger frame swallow her—perhaps to shield her from whatever grief he understood her to be feeling. But when she started to shake a little he pulled back. His hands went to her shoulders. "Aw man, don't cry, Kagome."
"I'm not, you idiot," she denied while wiping her eyes, as he reached up and brushed tears aside for her. When he gave her a pointed look caught up with a smirk she sighed and smiled. "Alright, maybe I am." She paused, looking down at her hands as she messed with the belting holding her hakama around her waist. "I missed you. Bad timing, as usual—but I missed you. That and I really want to hit you."
"Too bad the beads are long gone, huh?" he grinned unabashedly as his hands went to his hips. "You could've just sat me to death."
She sighed, but the genuine smile remained as she met his gaze. Even when things were really bad, even when he'd been a complete jackass, Inuyasha always had a way of making her feel better. Sometimes it was on purpose; though, most of the time he did it without even trying.
"I'm glad you're here."
He scratched the back of his head, looking thoughtful. "Yeah, well… the old lady said ya wanted to see me. Hell though, after what she told me I would've come anyway—invited or not." His gaze shifted to the house and then back to her when his arm dropped to his side. "He's not here, huh?"
Kagome shook her head. "No, he didn't come home last night either. I'm worried about him, but… I'm not going to force him to see me. Not after…"
"Yeah… I hear ya…" It was his turn to sigh.
Kagome inhaled deeply, refusing to cry again. She'd done enough of that last night. And so, she forced her face to brighten. "He'll come when he's ready. In the meantime though, you want something to drink? The cold's starting to catch up with me."
"Beer?"
Kagome grabbed Amenonuhoko and hooked her arm through his, leading him towards her back door. "Maybe. I'll have to look. I know we have sake."
"Anything'll do at this point."
"Bad morning?"
"Eh… I'll tell you about it later." He removed his arm from hers so that he could open the door for her. Before she went in he caught her gaze. "Right now I'm more interested in helpin' you, got it?"
And then Kagome realized why she couldn't really be upset with him despite the lies, despite the hiding. Inuyasha was, if nothing else, a devote friend; if there was anything she needed right now… it was a good friend. When she smiled again it wasn't as forced.
"Thank you."
Amber-gold depths focused on a place in the sky beyond the glass panes, idly listening to his own breath as he sat there. He listened to beating of his heart as well, the steady rhythm it provided. In some way it allowed him a calm he did not truly possess; not when every nerve in his body was made to be frayed and rubbed raw. The pain had spread from his chest his limbs at some point last night; he could walk, but getting up from the mattress felt lackluster when he was unmotivated.
Had he ever been as much?
The plush bedclothes were crumpled around him, pushed aside and half rolled. His legs were crossed into a partial lotus pose, but his feet were under him rather than resting atop his thighs.
Rin had come by to give him breakfast, asking him if he wanted to do something. He'd told her no then, wanting to sleep more and perhaps focus on getting a handle on the way his whole body felt—as if ice water was suffusing into his veins. He'd meditated after eating, but it had only ebbed to a tolerable level.
He couldn't help but think about Kagome then. It wasn't that the pain made him want to go to her. The curse had nothing to do with forcing his want. Her feelings…. his… that made him want to go. But he wasn't sure he could face her, not when he felt like a two-sided coin and couldn't make up his mind. And the internal war made it worse, he supposed… All that she'd wanted for him…
It was the first time in his life in a long time he'd felt like someone wanted him to be who he had been once before. Kagome wanted him to regain his confidence, his drive, and his ability to made swift decisions for himself. She'd, in effect, made him feel safe enough to make some choices; not just about clothes. Fighting her… it hadn't been like it once was, but there was something euphoric and freeing when he'd done it. It had been ages since he'd taken up a weapon even just for a sparring match. And when he felt her desire to go back to the way things had once been… he couldn't help wanting to feel that way as well.
His hand drew up, palm pressing flat to center of his bare chest.
He was a little numb without her—cold. Was this some kind of dependence brought on by abuse? Had it been her light he'd grabbed onto because it had been the only one in his many years of servitude? Was there something more?
Sesshoumaru sighed, shutting his eyes against the sunshine streaming in from the window. His hand dropped to his lap.
No, he wasn't angry with her. She'd gone back on her vow, true. That made it difficult. But beyond that, Sesshoumaru had always had a difficult time with trust—with love. Learning that he possessed compassion for Rin—that she wasn't just the result of a test or a passing amusement—had taken him to the bowls of the underworld after all.
And she did love him… Kagome did. Her feelings were too pure and brilliant to be anything else. He hadn't known what to make of them before—why they affected him so; not until that day after their battle. Her words brought clarity; they shifted something he still couldn't name.
There was the way it felt after: confused, overjoyed, and entirely at her mercy. It was incredibly hard not to love her, even if he didn't think he knew how; maybe that's why he didn't want to go home—to her home. It wasn't just his mother, it wasn't that Kagome had broken his trust; it was that he didn't know what to do with himself in lieu of so many emotions he'd either never been taught or had forgotten how to manage.
Loving Rin was easy. Loving Kagome… it wasn't the same. It wasn't a familial love. It required him to give more. He didn't know if he had anything left worth giving her—worth giving to a girl who did nothing but give.
"Otousan…?"
He was surprised he hadn't heard the door. Slowly, his eyes opened and he turned his head just so in that direction to look over his shoulder. Rin looked much the same as she did yesterday. No sweater; just a short sleeved t-shirt and another pair of jeans with sneakers. Her hair was pulled back with a headband, allowing him to see all of her face.
"I am awake," he told her softly, turning back to look out the window.
"I brought you something to drink. Is green tea alright? I brewed a fresh pot." She came around to the side of the bed that faced the window as set down a tray on the mattress.
Idly, he looked down at the small porcelain pot with rose colored designs. Two matching cups sat next to it. "Please," he replied.
Rin smiled brightly and took a seat on the edge of the bed. One leg hung off the side while the other folded at an angle in front of her. He watched as she went about the process of pouring. "Feeling any better?"
He didn't want to lie to her. "Well enough." He paused for the length of time it required him to remove the cup from her hands, nodding once. "…How are the children?"
"Not here, unfortunately." She took a sip of the hot brew and then licked her lips. "Jiro decided to try spelunking in America and Kai has taken an acting contract in Los Angeles."
"Acting?" he blinked.
She laughed softly, covering her mouth. "Mhm… he started in stunt work, but…" she shrugged. "Turns out he enjoys the limelight too much."
"And Taishi?" She was the oldest. Rin and Hiroto—her mate—had decided to name her after her great grandfather. At least, as close as they could without emasculating the name. She'd been the only birth he'd been around for, and twins… they'd been named beforehand.
Rin let out a long sigh, looking up but not disappointed. "Doctor, if you can believe it. She mostly works with youkai children these days. She'll probably switch to something new in another fifty years. For while she ran her own dojo and then came the art phase."
It felt good knowing his grandchildren were doing well. "Are they happy?" he asked in finality.
"Very."
He nodded again and looked out the window once more; at the same time, he took a measure of peace from the company she provided. It was unusual. As a child, Rin had shaken him. She'd made too much noise, asked too many questions, and relieved him of sleep so often that he'd eventually grown accustomed to dozing through it. And now… here she was, looking out the window with him and basking the silence.
It made him smile when he shouldn't feel like smiling at all.
"What?" she asked in the same soft voice; the one that wasn't so loud it grated his already fried insides.
"I was merely observing your silence."
"Does it bother you?" He felt her smirk more than saw it. "I could talk more. I just sort of thought you might not need conversation at the moment."
"You are not wrong," he agreed before lifting the cup to his lips. "But… I never minded your chatter."
She chuckled at that and her warmth bloomed. "You never talked enough, Otousan. And well, Jaken…" She wrinkled her nose, but he could tell it wasn't done spitefully. "He wasn't much fun at all."
He resisted the urge to laugh. "He did his job."
"Ah yes… making sure I stayed out of trouble. Wasn't always successful, you know." She leaned on her arm then, hand on the bed. Her free hand lifted the cup and she partook once more. "How long are you going to stay away from Kagome?" she asked seriously.
He didn't reply right away and she took that as an indication to keep going.
Rin sighed as she looked at him. "What happened? Did she do something—."
"It wasn't her fault."
"Ah." A long pause, but she didn't look away from him. "I called them back—the kids. Might take a few days though. I figured you'd want to see them."
"That would be good." He was glad she changed the topic.
"Did you want to stay in your room all day? It's the weekend and she won't be here. She and Inuysha both are in the city residence."
Probably for Kagome.
"We could go watch some TV. I can make dinner," she offered. "Hiroto would love to see you."
He should leave the room, he realized; he should move. Already, he could sense the ache traveling to his bones. Moving would alleviate it. But he wasn't certain he wanted to leave this particular wing of the home for risk of seeing his mother—for fear of what he would do to her if he saw her again. Just the thought of her had his blood roaring and his youki threatening to make itself known.
"Can we stay in this wing?"
"If you prefer. We have our own living room. Well, a room we turned into one."
"I do."
"Alright. Did you need some more sleep?"
His body sought it even as he tried to quell the desire. Silver bangs jostled against his cheeks as he shook his head. "No. I believe I have slept enough." His gaze met hers finally, pulling away from the window. "Allow me to get dressed and I will join you in the hallway."
"Sure."
She gave him a hug and then departed as quietly as she'd come, making him realize the reason he hadn't heard her wasn't entirely his fault; it wasn't just that he'd been distracted by his own inner turmoil. No…
Rin's quiet was entirely her own.
"What are ya gonna do?"
Several hours had passed in Inuysha's company. Souta was at a friend's house, trying to suck up the last of his spring break; her mother had plans with her own; and her grandfather was busy doing kami only knew what. She absorbed the absence of anyone in the house to talk to her long lost friend, in some way using him to ease the lack of one daiyoukai.
"I don't know," she told him from where she sat on the couch. The TV was off and she could see daylight gradually departing from the softly curtained window. "I don't want to push. I want him to make up his own mind. He's had enough of other people deciding his fate for him." She looked at him. "She told me you threated to leave."
"The old lady?" he asked as he met her gaze. He was slouched, legs spread in front of him in a way that was purely Inuyasha. She watched as he rubbed his chin. "Well, yeah. I sure as fuck did. I mean… back then he pissed me off, right? But, hell, I love the bastard. I loved him then.
"Wasn't her place—anyone's—to the pull that kinda crap. If it weren't for Kikyo I'd have just given her the middle finger and slammed the door."
Kagome failed to stifle a laugh. It was hard not to. "Yeah, I heard."
"I'd tell you to call him back, but I get why you don't want to." She watched as his ears drew back at the same time his eyes lowered and his lashes dropped just so. He'd gotten rid of the glamour once they were inside of the house. It felt right being able to see his expressions that way. She'd forgotten how endearing it was. "He's stubborn though. He'll just keep on enduring the pain until you go get him or make him come to you."
"I know… I just…" She sighed and her whole body curved into itself.
"I don't envy you one bit."
"Inuyasha?"
"Yeah…?"
"Why'd you pick me?" she asked softly as she looked down at the can of pop in her hands. She bent over then, elbows moving to rest on her knees. "His mother explained some of it, but… I want to hear it from you."
"It ain't obvious?"
She punched his shoulder.
"Hey!" He pouted at her.
"Don't be stupid. Ok?" She frowned, looking down even as her upper body faced him slightly. "I just… I want to know. I need to hear you say it. You."
He rubbed his arm, fingers flexing over his bicep around the material of his sweater. "'Cause I knew you wouldn't fuck it up, alright?"
"What the hell does that even mean?"
His lips curled into a scowl and he huffed once. "You were always a good person, wench. Always. Alright? You just got a way of getting under people's skin and doin' the right thing—making them see the light. I didn't like the idea of you not gettin' a heads-up, but I knew if you got a chance to fix this you would. You'd figure it out. Hell, maybe in the process help him through all the bullshit he'd been put through." He paused. "And you have, ya know? Some of it. The bastard's actually smilin'."
"Yeah, he has been…" Her smile was sad—doubting.
"Plus, it helps you knew him before."
"What do you mean?"
He finished of his soda and then crushed the can in his grip. "To all of them he was just some sideshow, a way to pass the time once the shine wore off. They didn't know him back then. At least not past the first girl or two. And they didn't have a reason to care, like you do." He met her gaze once more. "You were my friend, Kagome. You loved all of us and you hated leaving. Back then, in your own way, you cared about him too.
"I… don't know how to explain it, really. I went with my gut."
Her heart warmed at that. She understood what he had a hard time saying, what didn't totally make sense to him. She let out a breath and allowed her body to relax in the warmth his words provided. "Thanks… But, I still don't know how I'm going to fix it. I love him. And because I love him I want this to be a choice for him…"
"All he wants is to be free, Kagome. I don't think the worst thing for him is getting saddled with you…" He set the crushed can on the coffee table. "The worst thing is him going on like he has."
She conceded that point, she supposed. "Too bad youkai can't get…" She stilled as familiar words started to form themselves son her tongue.
"What?"
Kagome blinked as it hit her. Blue eyes went wide. "Sesshoumaru told me youkai can get divorced."
"Well… yeah." He blinked. "It's just not done often. S'pretty risky." And then his eyes narrowed in thought. What she was implying clicked in place. "Kagome…" he hedged.
Her eyes flashed to his. "I know it's risky, but it's possible, right?"
His lips were a flat line as his eyes shot daggers at her. "If you expect me to tell you how then you're out of your damn—."
"What else do you suggest?!" she snapped. "He's suffering, Inuyasha. He's been suffering for four lifetimes."
"I know, god damnit," he muttered. "But I'm not keen on helpin' you kill yourself either." He watched as she looked to deflate entirely, her body slackening and her eyelids dropping halfway. "…God, you're just as stubborn as the rest of us," he bit off next. "You realize if you do this it's a death wish? You thought about that? Huh? Thought about what Shippou would do if you left this world before he got to see you?" When she didn't say anything and just kept on drooping he went on. "I'm not saying no…"
"But you're not saying yes either."
Kagome got it; she did. She wasn't 'keen' on dying either. It wasn't just Shippou. What about her mother? Souta? Her grandfather? Would it really be so bad to mate with Sesshoumaru? To stay with him? To spend the rest of her life trying to make him happy…. even if meant it hadn't been one-hundred percent what he wanted?
"I guess I don't know what I want to do," she admitted softly.
"You love him, right?"
"Yeah."
"Then you know." Inuyasha reached for her hand squeezed. "Look," he murmured. "Think about this. Really think, alright?"
"And then what?"
She felt his fingers on her chin and let him pull her gaze to his; she let him hold it. His eyes were strong, serious. Hot amber bore into hers as he spoke. "Mate with him, wench. Give it a week, alright? If after a week you're still sure about doin' this, 'bout goin' down this path, I'll give you anything you need." And then he released her. "But there's another condition."
"I'm listening."
"I don't know how to do it. Never had a reason to. And the only person I know who does is the old lady. You'd have to talk to her."
"Figures…" she muttered.
"Forget about her. You still gotta decide you wanna dive into the commitment. And you gotta realize if you do and then decide to do this he's gonna be pissed at you, right?"
Kagome blinked. "What do you mean?"
"Sesshoumaru," he deadpanned. "He's not gonna be happy about breakin' it if ya do this."
She hadn't really thought about that.
"He won't let you, Kagome. Think about that."
She opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off.
"You hide this from him and he won't be happy either. Would you be happy with him doin' this for you? Doing this insane shit you're talkin' about doin'?"
Kagome hesitated. She recalled that day on their way home, the day she'd broached the topic with him and the way he'd reacted. No… no he wouldn't happy about it. She wouldn't be happy about if she were in his place either. But… he'd be free… she'd be without him… perhaps forever…
…but he'd be free.
Kagome stepped into the silence of the shrine's main room. Her socked feet padded across the gleaming wooden floor and her eyes drifted towards the assortment of lit candles. The lack of electric lighting gave it a lulling glow; so lulling in fact that she found herself standing there for a few long moments in a sort of trance until her grandfather's voice pulled her out of it.
"Are you ready?"
Kagome blinked, refocusing her gaze towards the old man in the center of the room. He sat across from her almost. "Yeah," she murmured before joining him, moving to sit down with her legs crossed under her before him. A single candle was on the floor between them.
There was a part of her that felt transported back in time, ironic as that sounded. The hum the candles, the fact that they both wore matching haori and hakama, and the very essence of the space made it seem that way.
"Do you remember what I told you earlier today?"
Kagome nodded. "Focus on my breath, my energy, and the one I want to connect with."
"Create the image in your mind—of your connection to them," he told her. "Force all else out; this room, your fears, me."
"I understand."
"This isn't entirely without danger either. I'll be here with your body so you won't have to worry about anything happening to that."
"There's a but in there somewhere, isn't there?" Her smile was rueful.
"You can't stay for too long," he urged seriously, ignoring her attempt at humor. "You won't be able to get back if you do."
"How will I know to return?"
"You'll feel the tie to your body fading—as if a bulb were going out from within. For some people it's a sharp tug."
"Duly noted." she gave another sharp nod.
"Your mother will kill me if you don't come back, girl," he bit off, no real anger behind the remark. "Don't do anything stupid."
"I won't," she promised as she moved to rest her hand on her knees, palms up and fingers relaxed. "Got anymore sagely advice, old man, or can I start?"
"Watch your tongue," he shot back, scowling at her briefly. And then it faded to a soft frown. "Yes… be careful."
She replied to his remark by simply closing her eyes, by allowing her aura to expand from within her core. She let it moved slowly so that it could branch out in equal measure from her chest to her thighs, shoulders, forearms, toes, fingers, and finally her neck and up to her head. She focused on balancing the amount until she felt whole with it—until she felt one with herself and her energy.
"Good," she heard her grandfather murmur.
And then she shut him out and took steady breaths through her nose, exhaling out of her mouth. She could sense it channeling, that energy moving like blood through her veins. There was never more or less in one place or another. And once she was sure she she'd done it correctly, that she could no longer hear or feel the world around her, that she could only feel her own essence floating in her body… she thought of Sango…
She thought of her voice, her face, the way she fought; she focused on her laugh and all the times she slapped Miroku for his wandering hands; she thought of the way she lifted Kagome up, the way she spoke, the way her eyebrows would rise and her lips would part in confusion when she didn't quite understand something… the way Kagome had always viewed her as a sister… as someone to lean on… as someone who'd confided in her and vice versa.
Most of all, she thought of how much she missed her.
Sango…
Pink engulfed the darkness behind her eyes, pulling her far away and above. For a brief moment Kagome saw the world under her; she saw the top of her own head and her grandfather. And then there was nothing but the light—a billion blooming candles. That light overtook her and she found herself shutting her eyes, closing away from it entirely as a whirlwind of something swept her away.
There was a roar of wind in her ears and then nothing. She'd been sitting before; so when she felt something under her feet she reached for solidity to regain her balance. But there was nothing. Kagome open her eyes, one foot stepping forward as she inhaled sharply.
...The feudal era…?
She blinked several times in some vain attempt to remove the gloss that covered everything. It all glowed for a while and she realized her essence, the not-body she was in, was adjusting to the world she'd entered. Suddenly, bird song could be heard. It was muffled initially, but then became clear. Everything became clear slowly, seeming less like a dream and more like reality.
"…Kagome?"
She turned where she stood on a green space of earth. Trees became a blur around her as she moved to face where her back had been. And then she smiled—ran. The woman before her dropped what she'd been holding and laughed as she embraced Kagome.
"It is you!" she cried.
Kagome laughed with her, refusing to shed tears even as the demon hunter pulled back and gave her a once over.
"Kami, you've grown," she said next, surprised. "How old are you now? Twenty? Wait, how did you get here?" And then brow knit. "You didn't—."
"I'm not dead," she assured her, still unable to stop smiling. "I just needed to see you. Grandfather taught me how to send my spirit to realm of the dead so that I could. But… I don't think I have a lot of time."
Sango let out a sigh as her hand came to her chest, obviously relieved. "That's good. Wonderful, in fact. I'm not unhappy to see you, but…"
She looked just the same as ever, Kagome thought. The yukata she was wearing was the one she'd always donned when they weren't fighting for their lives. There was nothing out of place; even her hair looked just as it had to the day she's gone back home through the well. How old had Sango been when she passed? How had she died? Did Kagome want to know?
"You've got a lot on your mind," Sango said next, as if sensing it. Her brow knit and Kagome could almost feel the way she looked right through her. "But I can sense what you mean about time…" Her gaze drifted to behind Kagome, looking as if she could see something the miko could not. And then she moved to her side, her hand on Kagome's back to urge her. "Come, let's sit down. Tell me what's wrong."
Kagome wanted to ask her a million things all at the same time—about Miroku, about her life, if she'd had any children. It all swam in her head, beckoning. But she forced down. These were things she could ask at a later if she came back—she would. Right now she needed to talk to her friend about her most urgent problem; she needed an ear and a voice that would understand.
And so they sat down side by side on the hill. The miko wasted no time in divulging it all from start to finish. She told Sango about the curse, about her grandfather, about Inuyasha, and about Sesshoumaru's mother. She told her about the night before and how awful she felt. And by the time she was done with the whole story she found it difficult not to cry again.
And Sango said nothing; she'd been quiet for a time, but Kagome had expected her to say something once she finished. The miko found herself staring at the brunette as she looked out over the landscape before them, as Sango wrapped her arms around her bent legs. Her eyes were narrowed and contemplative.
"That's…" the other woman started. "…I don't really know what to say." She met her gaze then. "What does your heart tell you?"
"…I want to go through with it," she admitted. "But I don't want to lie to him."
"You fear he'll reject you after you break the binding?"
Kagome nodded.
Sango sighed. "I must admit, I worry about you dying just the same as Inuyasha. I love you like a sister, Kagome, and I'd love to have you here with me…. but… not before your time." She was quiet, waiting for Kagome to say something—to argue with her. But when she didn't she continued speaking. "Do you think if you do this it will be irreparable with him?"
"I don't know."
"That is your fear though," she repeated, almost as if to herself. "You don't want to be like his mother."
"I don't."
"You're not, Kagome."
"How is this not being like her?" Kagome asked as she spread her hand in from of her and stared at them. "I'll be deciding things for him without asking how he feels."
"But you know how he feels about it."
"And you think his mother didn't know how he'd feel? About her trapping him?"
Sango place a gentle hand on her shoulder and leaned in. Kagome jerked to look at her, eyes wide and shaking. Sango watched as Kagome bit her lower lip, as she shut her eyes.
"I'm scared, Sango. I don't know what the right thing to do is."
"Listen to me," she whispered. "This is different. It is. She did what she did out of selfish desire brought on by grief. And you I both know she could have named someone else heir—Inuyasha even. She could have. It wouldn't have been the first time blood was shed or lives were lost over youkai posturing, trust me. Such wars begin over less and are ended on more. Do you hear me?"
Kagome nodded once, unable to find words.
"Now, I don't know what the right answer is…. but lying to someone out of love is a hell of a lot different than lying to them for your own benefit. You're reasons are pure, Kagome. I can't promise he won't hate you, but I can promise you that you're not her.
"You're not."
"I don't want him to hate me, Sango… I just… I want him to be happy. I want him to have the chance at a life that's his own."
"That's love, Kagome," she urged her strongly, quietly. "Love means sacrifice. Sometimes it means taking the hard road. For you…. that road might be losing Sesshumaru if you go through with this."
"There's no right answer, is there?"
"No."
Kagome exhaled shakily and wiped her eyes. She looked out over the endless distance of green and blue. Sango's advice was honest and real even if it didn't help her entirely. "What would you do?" she whispered, needing to know. "If it were Miroku… what would you do?"
"I'd take the risk," she said just as quietly. "I think… I think I'd rather him hate me and be free to love who he wanted or not at all."
Kagome nodded.
"If he really loves you, Kagome… you'll have to bet on him forgiving you. That's really what this is all about."
She was right. Kagome knew. Doing it this way required a leap of faith; it required her to potentially hurt the man she loved by doing to him what he would view as yet another betrayal. But she also recognized that it wasn't the same thing. She wasn't doing this, planning to do this at least, because it benefited her. In fact, nothing about it benefited her. She could die. She could, potentially, end up right where she was right now with Sango for company. Well, assuming the rules for the afterlife landed her here… somehow.
A very big part of her hated that she had to go through his mother to do it. It would be better if there were someone else. Anyone else. She hated involving Inuyasha as well. She knew it would cause a strain on their relationship—his and Sesshoumaru's. Really, it wasn't fair to put him in such a position. She couldn't.
"There is always another way."
She almost jumped at the way her grandfather's voice rang in her head, arguing that she was being short-sighted. It sent a chill through her, raising gooseflesh and asking she look at all the angles. The miko inhaled gently, wide eyes rippling with something—something burning on the cusp of her subconscious.
"Kagome?" Sango asked, hand squeezing her shoulder.
She met her gaze again, blinking once as she came out of her thought-inducing epiphany. "I think I know what I need to do," she said at once, voice airy and full of disbelief.
Sango smiled as if she knew; she probably did, being dead and in a spirit realm. It wouldn't shock her to learn she could read minds. "I know, but you need to go, Kagome."
It was then Kagome felt the tug to return to her body or risk being stuck here forever. Her hand reached out and she intertwined her fingers in Sango's—squeezing. "I'll miss you. I'll come back."
"I look forward to it." When Sango hugged her she returned it. Even as she let herself slip away, let her body merge with the grasping brilliant light, she held on tighter.
"Thank you for your counsel," Kagome whispered.
"Anytime…" she heard the demon hunter say before it was gone—before all that was before her was lost in the roar of wind in her ears.
When Kagome was in her body again—her real body—she was heady. Dizzy. Her spirit and aura felt as though they'd been tossed into a blender on high. There were hands on her shoulders to steady her. Her grandfather's. His voice sounded like she had ear muffs on; the ringing didn't help either. Eventually something was pressed to her lips. Water. She drank it and gasped when it was pulled away.
And then the world slowly came back into focus. Lines cleared and she could see his eyes, the age lines under his eyes, and his angular face.
"Can you hear me now?" he asked.
"Yeah…" she managed to get out, blinking.
"Take a moment."
Kagome nodded, not feeling well enough to speak again. She closed her eyes and waited for her spirit and aura to separate like oil and water needing to settle in a bottle. Minutes passed on in silence. Blatantly, she wondered if the reason for the candles had everything to do with how her senses were fried coming back and nothing to do with the process of seeing Sango.
Finally, the world felt normal.
"Better?" her grandfather asked once she opened her eyes again.
"Much." And that's about the time she noticed the look in his, the worry. Her own narrowed. "What's wrong?"
"Rin called the shrine while you were out," he admitted. "I wanted to tell you immediately, but—."
"Sesshoumaru's Rin?" she asked, not waiting for him to finish. "Is it about Sesshoumaru?"
"Yes. She wanted you to call her right back. She sounded—."
Kagome got up immediately, not waiting for him to finish. She felt it all at once; why she'd taken so long to get her bearings. Her body had been trying to sort out just what she was feeling—what he was feeling.
The door thwacked the wall behind her and she nearly slipped reaching for the phone in the kitchen. Kagome had never hit the buttons on her caller ID so quickly, nor had she been more happy that someone's number hadn't come up 'unknown'. She couldn't say she'd ever dialed quite as fast before either.
Her heart hammered in her ears as she heard the ringing tone, praying to kami someone picked up.
"Kagome?" she heard a female voice say.
"Rin?" she asked, unable to keep the urgency out of her voice. "What's happened? I can—."
"He's in pain, Kagome," she said brokenly. "He didn't want me to call you. He begged me not to. But I can't—," Kagome listened as the other woman took a breath inward. "I can't keep watching this happen to him.
"Please."
"Give me your address."
As she did so Kagome jotted it down on a slip of paper next to the phone that was hung on the wall. "Take a cab. I'll pay the fare," Rin told her next, voice a little stronger. "Just get here as soon as you can."
"I will."
AN :: I love it when a plan comes together; at the very least, when I can update on time. Fair warning though, school is starting later this month and I have Dragoncon in the beginning of September. So... if you see a delay on the update, well, it happens. Life, that is. I will try to get them done beforehand though-all my chapters for all my stories. Yar.
Anyway, did you like it? Love it? Hate it? Wanna bash me in the head for being so bloody effing drama-ey? Wasn't this fic supposed to be half humor? Gah, what the hell happened... Hell, even the lyrics in the start of every chapter hardly fit anymore. Murrrrr~ oh well. See you guys next month. Feel free to check me out on facebook under Kit Roe. Yes, that's my author page. Har har.
—Blade
