Fangtasia Stories: Tasseled Belt and Pleated Slacks?

Set during Dead as a Doornail


"Come," Eric said quietly, answering the knock at the door.

The office door opened, and there was Pam, looking all vampiric in one of her over-the-top black leather work outfits. This evening she'd gone for a leather corset, fish-tail skirt, and long, black lace gloves. Her heels were maybe 6 inches high, Eric estimated. Her hair was voluminous and wavy, and her make-up was smoky and seductive. It still amused him, to see her dressed up like this. It was just so not Pam.

"Ah, Pam. Just the person I need to speak with."

"What?" she asked petulantly, hands on hips.

"Can you please explain to me why we just had 20 boxes of Fangtasia workout DVD's delivered?"

Pam perked up and smiled.

"Oh good, I ordered those weeks ago." She delved into one of the opened cardboard boxes stacked up against Eric's office wall, and pulled out a sample. There was a picture of her on the front of the box, wearing black and red Lycra, posing with a dumbbell. She was smiling slightly, with her fangs out, and the tag-line read 'Get Vampire fit without having to change over'.

"Fitness videos?"

"Indira, Thalia and I filmed it last month. It's quite an intensive cardio workout, and if completed three or four times a week while following a healthy, low fat, calorie-controlled diet, it brings very quick results, especially to the hip and thigh area."

Eric shook his head, not understanding a word. "What?"

"It will be very popular. Everyone has their own fitness video these days."

"You have to stop, the merchandising and promotion is getting out of hand. Mugs, baseball caps, t-shirts, key rings, these I can just about cope with. But work-out DVD's, and these," Eric swiveled in his chair and bent to a box behind him, pulling out some items. "Ear muffs. Thongs. Brassieres." He turned to ping some lacy panties at Pam and they hit her in the face, before falling at her feet. "Corkscrews. Flip flops. Where will it end, Pam?"

"We are seeing very profitable results. You like flip flops."

"Someone called earlier and told me they needed to come and take photos and sketch me because you had ordered Fangtasia bobble heads."

"I know! Isn't it a great idea? Your very own bobble head. They will be very collectible. The breathers will go crazy for them."

"I have no desire to be rendered in bobble head form. This is just absurd. No more merchandise."

"But..."

"No. I mean it. You are doing this purely for your own amusement. No one will buy a Fangtasia 12 piece barbeque utensil kit. Or a Fangtasia bicycle pump. Or Fangtasia stepladders."

"Fine. Whatever," Pam said, waving her hand. "They make Twilight stepladders, you know. Very popular, I hear. We could be raking it in, but we shall do it your way. We are still doing the calendar though, aren't we?"

"We will do the calendar, and then promise me you will stop."

"Yes, yes," Pam conceded. "Whatever you say. I can't wait for the calendar shoot. Maybe we should just make it your calendar, with photos of you every month, it would sell better. Plus, Clancy is body conscious, and who knows what that new pirate bartender Twining has to offer beneath his billowing poet shirt. I'm not sure I want to find out."

"Clancy is only body conscious because you are always telling him his bottom looks big and his nipples are lopsided."

"It's true." She stuck her butt out and gestured with her fingers pressed to her chest, insinuating that one nipple was very much lower than the other.

"It's not that pronounced. You take it too far."

"Oh, shut up, I do not. The point is, none of them are as good-looking as you are, and everyone will keep their calendar open on your month anyway. I have done market research on this. I sent you a report."

"Did you include a pie chart?"

"No. Bar."

Eric smiled.

"It will seem too narcissistic if I have one of my own."

Pam curled her lip and looked taken aback at her maker's sudden modesty.

"So?"

"So, people might... they might think I was..."

"Hmm?"

"Narcissistic."

"Since when did you care about that? You're the biggest fan of Eric Northman I've ever met. You positively squee with delight when you catch a glimpse of your own reflection. When we go clothes shopping it takes me ages to get you out of the changing room if there are multiple mirrors."

"Bitch. I'm not that bad. I just like my clothes to fit correctly."

"You have never been one to discourage the attention."

Eric sighed. "I just think it would be better to have a different vamp hunk for each month."

Pam narrowed her gaze and looked sideways at him.

"You want to do this so that when Sookie gets her copy, which you will no doubt be mailing to her, or perhaps delivering in person, she will see how superior you are to all the other hunky vamp specimens."

"No."

"Oh! Sookie!" Pam suddenly said, throwing her hands up.

"What?"

"I forgot. That's why I came in here in the first place. You completely distracted me with the merchandise talk. We have a meeting scheduled to go over this in more detail anyway. I have samples of the new Fangtasia sleepwear range. The silk pajamas are simply divine and..."

"No pajamas, Pam. What about Sookie?"

Pam planted a grin on her face and put her hands on her hips.

"She's here to see you."

Eric cocked his head slightly. Pam was not the only one who had been distracted. He listened intently and allowed his acute senses to take over. Yes indeed, she was here.

"Maybe you could get her to try out the new Fangtasia underwear range." Pam said, with a smirk. "What do you think she wants?"

Eric stood and checked himself in the mirror. He raked his fingers through his hair and pouted at himself a little.

"Let's find out, shall we?"

Pam followed him out of the office, and he slid into a nearby booth in the corner of the room. Not his usual central one. He wanted something a bit more intimate. From this position he would also enjoy the benefit of seeing her walk all the way across the room to where he was sitting.

He watched as Pam went over to the bar and tapped Sookie on the shoulder. She got down from the stool and made her way towards him. She was wearing tight jeans and a fluffy, white sweater that was short enough to expose some of her tanned midriff as she walked. Eric's fangs dropped a little, and he made sure to keep his mouth closed and think about Bill Compton, naked, until they finally retracted.

Sookie was looking particularly lovely this evening, he observed. He took in everything, all the glorious curves as well as the tiny details. Her slightly glossy lips, her curled hair, and her freshly polished nails, the color of which perfectly matched the color of the coat she was carrying, draped over her arm. The coat he'd bought for her only recently. Her hips swayed a little when she walked, and when she reached him, he briefly considered sending her back over to the bar for a napkin or something, just so he could watch her move in the opposite direction, and enjoy the rear view.

Instead, he stood, and bent to kiss her on the cheek. She smelled perfect, and her sweet aroma was intoxicating, making his mouth water. He wanted to touch her, everywhere, to take in every single inch of her naked skin with his eyes, followed by his fingers, and then his mouth. To kiss and then lick every soft curve of her body, every crease, every available inch of that tan skin. To sink his fangs into her luscious flesh, and swallow her delicious, thick, warm nectar. To bring her the most intense pleasure she had ever experienced, and exult in her soft moans, hear her scream his name as she squeezed him closer. The way she flooded and roused his senses was like nothing he had ever experienced before.

Beautiful.

Eric realized his lips were lingering on her cheek, and he pulled back.

"What pretty nail polish," he said, smiling. They sat down, and began to talk.

V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V

Eric parked in the staff parking lot, and entered through the back door. He wandered casually down the corridor and entered his office. He was just beginning to get changed, when Pam walked in.

"I bring wonderful and exciting news," she said immediately.

"Oh, really? Well, hold the front page, Pam. For I have exciting news of my own."

"Yes? Is it Sookie related? Did she like the tasseled belt?"

He unbuckled said belt, took it off, and looked at it in his hands.

"What the fuck were you thinking? When I said you needed to find me something bold and masculine, yet seductively tactile, to wear to visit Sookie, this wasn't quite what I had in mind."

"I thought there was something very Viking about it. I thought it was eye-catching, and she might like to touch it."

"It's hideous," Eric said, tossing it to her. "The only reason anyone would want to touch it would be because they couldn't believe their eyes and wanted to confirm it wasn't just some awful hallucination. Burn it." Eric shook his head as he unbuttoned his pants. "And pleated slacks. Honestly, Pamela, sometimes..."

"Oh, well dress yourself then. So what happened?" Pam asked. "Your hair is an absolute mess."

"Is there blood in my hair?"

"Yes, actually, there is. What were you up to? What was the favor Sookie wanted?"

Eric pulled his shirt off over his head and selected a green t-shirt from his closet.

"She wanted to be rid of Mickey, since he was treating her friend rather badly, it seems. To cut a long story short, Mickey turned up threatening to kill her friend, I got hit on the head with a brick, Sookie rescinded his invitation, I made a call to his maker, Salome, who will catch him and punish him, and he's basically fucked, blah blah, vampire politics, blah." Eric pulled on some jeans and sat down in his office chair. "Much more importantly, before all that happened, Sookie repaid my favor by answering a few burning questions."

Pam was suddenly more interested and perched on the edge of the desk.

"Really? Well, do tell."

"I did have sex with Sookie while I was cursed, it seems, since she confirmed my suspicions. Many, many times, in fact, and in a variety of rooms and positions." He settled back into his chair and folded his hands in front of him, planting a contented smile on his face.

His smile fell a little when he remembered that, frustratingly, he still could not recall any of those moments. He had also been shocked to learn that he'd offered to give everything up to be with her. Part of Eric didn't believe this to be true. Perhaps Sookie was exaggerating, or there had been some sort of misunderstanding. Another part of him longed to know just what she'd done to incite a reaction like that, other than of course come to his aid when he needed her. Could she really have been that good in bed? She must have been spectacular!

There was another thing. A part of him still wanted to be with Sookie. Not just in the way he had always wanted to be with her, naked and horny, but simply to be close to her, holding her, caring for her. Part of him envied that version of himself who had had little more to do with his time other than be alone with a beautiful woman, enjoying one another's company and learning about each others bodies.

He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. He needed to stop thinking this way about Sookie, regain some control over his emotions, and get back to normality. He also needed to double his efforts in trying to get his memories back.

Perhaps some distance was required. He had other important business to attend to, and vampires such as himself did not become infatuated by humans. He had a reputation to uphold. People would start to talk, and he would be ridiculed for such unnatural and contemptuous behavior. Pam alone would mock him to the point where he would probably have to threaten to stake her.

Sookie would be his again, under his terms, and it would be him she was with. Not some watered down, pussy-whipped version of him.

"Is that all?" Pam asked, bringing him back from his wandering thoughts. "From your face it looks like there might be more."

Eric shrugged. That was all he was willing to divulge, right now.

"That is all."

"Well," Pam said. "I could have predicted the sex. Let's face it, this is hardly surprising news. But you seem to be pleased with it, so congratulations on having had lots of sex with Sookie."

"Thank you."

"Shall we throw a party?"

Eric gave her a stern glare.

"That will not be necessary."

"Perhaps now you will stop breaking furniture and ripping soft furnishings. Your house looks like a shit tip and the cleaners keep complaining to me. Even I am tiring of the constant shopping for replacements."

"Sometimes I like to destroy things," Eric said, smiling. "You also had news? Wonderful and exciting news, I believe was the term you used."

"Yes," Pam smiled. "Very exciting."

"Let me guess. You have bought a fabulous new twinset. New season's colors. I'm thinking a deep plum with gorgeous pearl buttons."

"No. Guess again."

"Oh God, is it something to do with shoes?" Eric rolled his eyes mockingly. "You got some new pumps. I don't know, bright red, patent peep toes. Fabulous spiked heels."

"Peep toes are so last year, and it is not the weather for them, anyway. Try again."

Eric sighed.

"Compton has decided to return to Peru, and live there permanently. He misses his Peruvian chums and has decided to open a llama sanctuary, for homeless, sick and/or retired llamas. He will shortly be in the studio recording Vampire Bill's Miserable Pan Pipe Moods. He has no plans to return to Louisiana."

"If only. Do you give in yet?"

"Fine. Go on."

"I've set up my own website."

"Wow. That's big news, Pam. That's right up there with that story you told me where Maxwell Lee slipped on a pineapple chunk and his shoe came off, or that time that you unknowingly spent the whole evening wearing slightly different earrings. Oh, that was big news. I didn't stop hearing about that for weeks."

"Did anyone ever tell you what a sarcastic brat you can be sometimes?"

"Takes one to know one."

"Whatever. I've e-mailed you the link."

"This isn't one of those dirty webcam sites is it?"

"Certainly not! It's very tasteful, actually."

"Is it a mainstreaming site like Bill's?"

Pam snorted.

"No fucking way."

"That reminds me. I meant to speak with him this evening but I was distracted. I need you to call Bill and get him to search his database for information on Twining. I am still quite incensed at our new bartender's inability to oversee the safety of my lo- our telepath. I need to be sure he has no ulterior motives being here."

"Oh, I don't want to talk to Bill Incompetenton," Pam pouted. "You do it. He'll try to talk to me about computer things and bore me with tales of his mainstream holidays."

Eric rummaged in his desk drawer, rose from his chair and bent down to pop a re-fill in his Glade Plug-in.

"Well just email him then."

"He has the ability to bore via e-mail too, you know. I fell asleep at full dark once, just reading a message he sent to all the vampires in his address book urging them to consider the benefits of mainstreaming."

"Just do it, Pam."

"Fine. But if I meet my final death out of the sheer tedium brought on by reading a boring Bill e-mail, on your head be it."

She walked out, slamming the door, and Eric chuckled, before settling back into his chair. He checked his e-mails, and clicked on the link Pam had sent.

The site popped up in a new window. The title was 'How to be the Ultimate Vampire – with Pamela Ravenscroft'. One side of Eric's mouth upturned into a smile, and he clicked on the video post, titled 'Advice for Newbie Vampires'.

The film began with Pam standing outside the front of Fangtasia. She was fully vamped up, looking hot in a tight, black PVC catsuit, and high-heeled boots.

"Hey Bitches. I'm Pam, and I'm going to teach you newbies how to be real vampires. Forget everything you heard about mainstreaming, it's total bullshit and goes against everything being a vampire stands for. Vamps kick ass, we're scary as hell, we get what we want, and we have fun doing it. That's how it is. So be proud, put that nasty fake blood back in the fridge for when you have idiot mainstreaming guests, sit back, and get ready to learn how to be a real vampire. I assure you, you will not be disappointed. Being a real vampire is fucking great."

Eric grinned and shook his head a little. The film cut to Pam in a bookstore, in the Philosophy section, flicking through some Nietzsche.

"Now, hopefully, you will have been turned by a wonderful, experienced, knowledgeable and well-respected vampire, who will teach you all there is to know and provide you with a good foundation of knowledge for when you are ready to venture out into the world on your own. They will support you, encourage you, nurture you, and hone your skills in order to maximize your potential as a responsible and successful member of our undead race. But this is not always the case. Some makers are pathetic idiots, and if you find yourself sired by one of these useless excuses for a blood-sucker, you're going to need help."

The camera cut to her walking out of the bookstore carrying some hefty looking tomes. She stopped and cocked her hip, balancing the books in her arms.

"Yes, it is fun to be a vampire, and we will learn more about this later. But first, you need to learn. Philosophy, languages, mathematics, ancient history, these can all be enjoyed later, and you should take the time to fully educate yourself, since knowledge is power. Right now, though, you need to focus on learning the basics."

In the next shot, Pam was back outside Fangtasia.

"Take a look at this pile of bullshit."

The film cut to a commercial for TrueBlood, with some random vampire taking a drink from a bottle and smiling as he savored the taste. He held up the half empty bottle and nodded his head, as the caption came up: 'Even Better Than the Real Thing'.

The film cut back to Pam, shaking her head.

"Now, you could choose to live like this, pretending to enjoy the foul, synthetic taste of such blood substitutes, however, you will be existing, rather than living. Where is the fun in eternal life if you are merely existing, trolling your way through years upon years of dull mainstreaming boredom? No, you have been given a gift, and you need to learn to live, in your lifeless form, rather than exist. You're a vampire, for fucks sake, so be prepared to act like one."

Next shot, Pam was inside Fangtasia, in the bar area. No one else was around, so they must've been closed.

"So, firstly, the most essential task to learn is how to feed correctly. This is your number one priority, since you must feed in order to survive."

A caption came up on screen: 'FEEDING'.

"Now, if you are a newly turned vampire, you must learn the correct feeding etiquette straight away. While it is possible to live off synthetic blood, even when first turned, fresh, human blood is what your body is truly craving, and you should not deny your natural impulses. Like breast milk is more nutritious for a new born babe, similarly, real human blood will fully sate your appetite, make you stronger, and will further your development more speedily."

Eric smiled and sat forward in his chair, resting his chin on his hand as he propped an elbow on his desk. She's going to make such a wonderful maker one day, he thought.

"So, try to remember these simple rules. For simplicity, you can memorize the term FANG."

Again, the term popped up on the screen. Pam smiled slightly at the camera as she allowed the acronym to sink in for the viewers.

"First thing. F is for Feed."

The word popped up on screen.

"Find a suitable, willing fang banger, if possible, but if not, any healthy-looking breather will suffice. If you are feeding from the unwilling, which of course should only be done in the most dire of circumstances," Pam added, for legal reasons, "remember to do so in a private place, where you will not be disturbed during your meal, or cause any unnecessary and unpleasant scenes."

Pam curled her finger and beckoned someone outside the camera shot. A pretty, young Latino female drifted towards her, and smiled seductively.

"You will no doubt find the place you prefer to bite when feeding, after some practice. The wrist is a good place to start, but today I am going to bite Carmela here on the more traditional area of the neck. Remember, do not pierce the main artery. That gets very messy and can be fatal for the human."

Pam's fangs clicked down, and she turned to brush the girl's hair away from her neck. Then she bent down slightly, cradling Carmela's face in her hand, before slowly licking and then sinking her fangs into her neck. The girl closed her eyes and moaned a little. Pam finally pulled away, healing the puncture wounds, before licking her lips.

"Mmm, very nice, Carmela," Pam said, appreciatively, before turning back to camera. "Next thing to remember. A is for Away."

The word popped up on screen.

"Usually it is only necessary to take a few draws, perhaps half a pint or so, but as a youngling you will need to feed more often, and the urge to carry on feeding to the point of draining your meal may be difficult to fight. Listen to the beating pulse of the human. If it is slowing to 1 beat every 4 seconds, pull away. You do not want to kill your human meal, this is needless, can get very messy and is, of course, against the law. If you are having difficulties pulling away, try to think of something disgusting. Personally, I prefer to think of Bill Compton naked. This works every time. I encourage you to see this man for yourself and use this technique when having difficulties controlling your urge to drain."

A picture of Bill flashed on the screen, naked, covering his modesty with a small, tatty green towel, seemingly caught unawares in a shower cubicle.

"Simply vile. And finally, Glamor."

The word came up on the screen.

"If you are not feeding from the willing, or even if you are but they get freaked out and start screaming or some shit, you need to be able to glamor them. To do this, simply look into their eyes and speak to them, slowly, softly, and clearly."

Pam turned and fixed her eyes on Carmela's.

"Say something like 'we were just talking about shoes. You noticed my Jimmy Choo's and we discussed the new seasons statement leopard print ankle boot, isn't that right?'" Carmela nodded. "The human should respond in the affirmative, and you will know they are successfully glamored by observing the vacant look in their eyes. Thank you Carmela, that will be all."

The girl drifted out of shot, and Pam turned back to the camera.

"So, follow the simple code of FANG when feeding, and you will soon be enjoying healthy, tasty, hassle-free, nutritious meals on a regular basis."

"Pam," Eric called. He stopped the video, and within moments she popped her head around the door.

"Hmm?"

"I'm just enjoying your video here."

"Oh yes?" Pam said excitedly, stepping into the office. "And? What do you think?"

"Very nice. The layout of your site is a bit busy, but your informational video was very good. You offered some very useful advice."

"Thank you. I had a very able teacher."

"Indeed you did. Unfortunately, you got your feeding acronym wrong."

Pam looked at him blankly. "I'm sorry?"

"FANG. You covered feed, away, and glamor. I think you'll find that's FAG, Pamela."

"Oh shit!" Pam threw her head back. "I did, didn't I? I forgot nurse, the bit about healing the wounds!"

"Yes, I believe you did," he smirked. "You'd better sort that out."

"I don't have time to do it now. I'm already late for a manicure appointment, I wasn't expecting to work this evening, but what with Twining being shipped to Merlotte's..."

"Can't it wait?"

"My manicure? Are you joking? Look at the horrific state of my nails!"

She stepped forward and waved them in front of his face. They looked absolutely perfect, as always.

"Pam, they're fine."

"They are hideous. I won't make it now. Will you fly me there? That way I could get there before closing. Thursday is the only day they open late."

"I am not flying you to your manicure appointment, Pam. I am not some sort of aerial taxi service. You can drive there."

"But I will not make it in time. You do not have to stay, I can call a cab when I'm done." She looked at him pleadingly. "Please?"

Eric closed his eyes and groaned, and then shut down his computer.

"Alright. Just this once. I hope that when you have a child you treat them as well as I do mine. Sometimes I think that you are positively spoiled."

Pam scoffed, as Eric got up.

"I am not having children. They are too much trouble."

"Indeed they are," Eric mumbled.

"Can I have a pony?"

"No. You will not care for it."

"Can I ride you like a pony during flight?"

"Don't push it Pam, I could drop you quite easily."

Pam smiled as she followed him out. The manicure could wait, actually, since the salon was open late every night except Tuesdays and Sundays. She just felt like a fly with her maker.


A/N: I know, I've been AWOL and I'm sorry about that! Basically, my muse left me, taking all the furniture, electrical goods, even the damn light bulbs, and our beautiful, ruddy-faced imaginary muse kids. He/she (my muse is androgynous and sexually confused) came crawling back this week, all like "Oh, I'm so sorry, I made a terrible mistake, please take me back," and I was all like "No way, bitch," and they were all like, "Come on, I know you need me, you've been all sad and review crack-less," and I was all like, "Yeah, okay then, let me help you with your bags. Did you bring the toaster back?"

So... yeah. That's what happened. Sort of.

Just want to take a moment to pimp the very brilliant 'I Write the Songs' contest. Please give it a whirl and enter (by Oct 30th), or check out the wonderful contest entries! Further info via the link under SVM communities, or at i-writethesongs dot blogspot dot com.