Chapter Eleven:
She stepped back into the apartment.
The movie still had a half hour.
She picked up the dishes and once the kitchen was clear, she disappeared into the bedroom, shutting the door.
Grissom watched her out of the corner of his eye.
Once the movie ended, Emma ran to get Sara.
She sat on the bed with a photo album in hand.
"Momma, can we have dinner with Grissom?" she asked.
"You haven't seen Grissom in a few days, why don't the two of you do something together little bug," she said kissing her daughter on the head.
"But I wanted…"
"While you're gone, I'll try to convince the apartment manager Bruno is not staying," teased Sara.
Emma stared at her for a moment before turning to Grissom. "Could we take Bruno to your house…so I can see where he'll sleep every night?"
"I think I can even pick up pizza on the way," he replied.
He glanced toward Sara who stood there with arms folded.
"I'll have her back by 8:00 p.m.," he said.
"That's fine," she answered not looking in his direction but watched Emma and the dog.
He kept his word and returned on time.
"Grissom has a back yard….we played fetch with Bruno. He likes it there. Grissom already has a bed and everything for Bruno. He even has a room for me when I come to spend the night. Can I, Sara? Grissom said we could decorate it."
Sara kept a plastered smile on her face while Emma talked energetically about her trip.
Grissom knew she was far from smiling.
He'd come to distinguish which were genuine Sidle smiles and those that she hid her true feelings behind.
"Bath time," she announced.
Once Emma was settled in the bed, Grissom kissed her goodnight.
He stepped into the next room, shutting the door behind him.
"Thank you for finding Bruno," she said.
"I think it would be good for Emma to come over some nights," he began, expecting an uphill battle.
Sara hid the inner turmoil.
"She begged Dad for a puppy for weeks. He'd already gotten it but was waiting until Christmas to give it to her. He could never refuse her."
Sara took a deep breath. "I'll pack some of her things so you can take them over there…some of her toys…from storage…I don't have room and I know she would like to have them…"
Her voice faltered for a moment but she continued. "You could still bring her over here in the evenings to Mrs. Fletcher and…"
"I'd like to hire a nanny to stay with her…at the house."
Sara merely nodded.
He probably didn't approve of her choice of Mrs. Fletcher either.
She felt as if he had found fault with most things that she had tried feverishly to put in place during a time she could barely function as she struggled to get through the loss of her parents.
"I'm sure she'll enjoy staying with you," she said.
"You don't even mind letting her go…just like that?" he said sounding hurt.
Just like that?
She was giving up her daughter once more for him.
She knew he could provide much more than she could.
It was best for Emma but it hurt to the core of her being that she failed so miserably when it came to the one thing she cherished the most.
"You have more room than me… a child needs room…to play with her dog. She'll be much happier…there. She'll be safe with you," she explained.
She felt proud that her voice only cracked once or twice.
"Thank you," he said, not sure how to respond.
He expected an argument.
He wasn't sure whether it brought relief or anger.
He headed toward the door but hesitated a moment. "I know…you're on leave without pay. I could provide child support…"
She vehemently shook her head.
She wanted nothing from him except what he could not give.
She didn't even want that now.
He had rejected her love when she had been most vulnerable.
She'd wasted years waiting for him to love her and now as they stood there face to face, she remembered the sadness in her father's eyes when he begged her to come back home.
You were right, Dad…
I wasted time with you and Mom…
With Emma….
"I'll talk with Emma tomorrow…we can start immediately," she said.
"Sara…"
She turned away from him to hide her tears. "I know she'll be happy to be with Bruno again. Dad always said a little girl needed room to play…she spent so much time in their back yard. I promised Emma we would go to the park tomorrow. I'll tell her then so we can get the boxes from storage."
He felt her demeanor tugging at his heart and knew that he needed to get out of there.
His heart still ached for her but he also knew that she would refuse any comfort from him.
Besides, it was her fault he had already lost so much time with Emma.
She heard the door open and close.
Sara locked the door securely and then placed a chair against the door.
She stretched out on the couch with her revolver under the cushion.
The phone call from Brass woke her.
"Sidle."
"How are you doing kiddo?" he asked.
"Emma is going to be spending some time over at Grissom's" she said as she slowly pulled her aching body from the couch.
"Why?" he asked.
"I'm trying to do what's best for Emma," she said.
"You're trying to protect her…from someone…maybe her father?" he asked.
"Stop fishing, Jim…at least in my personal life."
"I'm worried about you," he admitted.
"I'm sorry….there's no need," she said.
The morning was spent playing with Emma in the apartment.
"Can we go to the park?" asked Emma.
Sara hesitated. "Emma, I can't take you right now. Grissom and I have been talking and we thought it would be fun if you spent the night with Bruno some during the week."
"Stay with Grissom?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Would you stay too?"
"I can't but I would call you…just like before," she said softly.
Emma was quiet for a moment.
"I would feel better if you stayed with Grissom a few nights each week. I know Grissom would like it...and Bruno. He misses you."
"You would be by yourself again," said Emma.
"It would only be for a few days each week. I'll work extra and in a couple of months I'll try to buy a house for us."
"A house with my own room?" she asked.
"Yes."
She helped Emma decide what things she would take to Grissom's.
Sara placed a small photo album inside the suitcase.
A few days later, Sara took Emma to Grissom's as planned.
She knocked on the door and watched as Emma beamed with anticipation.
"Bruno!" the little girl giggled when the he jumped on her as soon as Grissom opened the door.
He took the suitcase from Sara's hand.
Fingers kept their distance for fear of touching.
"There are a few boxes in the car," she said.
She turned back toward the car and felt him following.
They each took a box and as she approached the front door, she placed it on the step, not wanting to enter his home.
"She's very excited about staying," said Sara as she hugged the little girl and then quickly hurried to her car.
Emma stood there watching her drive away.
"Emma, are you alright?" he asked.
"Mommy said she will call me," she said.
"I'm sure she will," urged Grissom.
When it was bedtime, Sara called as promised.
She listened as Emma told her about their visit to the park.
"Grissom and I are going to the store tomorrow to buy paint for my bedroom."
"Have you decided what color you want to paint it?" asked Sara.
"Rainbow colors," piped up Emma.
"That's a lot of colors," teased Sara.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, little bug?"
"Are you lonely?"
Sara gulped. "No, I'm too busy. I'm working," she lied.
"Oh. Night."
"Night Emma."
Sara threw the phone down on the counter as she slumped down in the chair. She refused to cry again.
Just another week and then you'll be back at work…
Keep busy Sara…
She spent the next several hours compiling some photos of Emma into a new photo album.
Once it was completed, she put them on the counter.
She then cleaned the apartment and paid her bills.
She glanced at the clock and sighed.
She missed her.
Her phone rang and it startled her.
She panicked when she saw that it was Grissom.
"Is she okay?" she asked.
"She had a nightmare," he said. "She wants to talk with you."
Sara curled up on her bed and listened to the frightened voice on the other line.
She soothed the little girl's fears and began reciting the book about "The Kissing Hand."
Once she finished, she waited for Emma to say something.
"Emma?"
"She's asleep," replied Grissom.
"Oh…okay."
"Sara thanks."
"I'll call her in the morning," said Sara.
She hung up before Grissom could say another word.
Emma was back within a few days.
Grissom dropped her off at the apartment.
She had fallen asleep on the way over.
He gently placed her in the bed.
Grissom glanced around and noticed Sara had disappeared into the other room.
He stepped out, closing the bedroom door.
Sara handed him a box.
"More toys?" he asked.
Sara shook her head. "I divided the photos of Emma between us. Mom was very good at putting dates on the back…I tried to put them in chronological order for you."
He was surprised by the gift.
"I found her birth certificate," she said. "I made a copy for you also."
"Sara…"
"I think I'm allowed to return to work in a week," she said.
"Yes, your suspension will be over then."
"I contacted my P.E.A.P. counselor and made an appointment," she said. "I'll have a report sent to you."
"I never insisted…"
"Ecklie would."
She was right.
"Emma doesn't understand why you've never been in my house," he said.
I was never invited…
Not in your home, your bed, your life…
"I don't know the boundaries," she said.
He stood there holding the box.
"You can come…inside. I never meant…"
Her phone rang.
"I should get that. I'll get that report to you," she said.
He stood outside her door, trying to force himself back inside the apartment to talk with her.
He was still too angry with her callous behavior toward the conception of Emma.
He was completely in awe of Emma.
She was bright and loving.
She often tilted her head the same manner that Sara did and he gasped each time she batted those dark eyes in his direction or gave him a huge Sidle smile.
He was hopelessly in love with the little girl and despite his anger he felt a strong bond forged with Sara.
He wasn't sure whether he could ever trust her again but there was no need.
Sara was far from ever letting him near her again.
Grissom felt quite naked.
He wasn't used to this.
It wasn't his body that was exposed but his emotions and this was something that Grissom had fought years to hide.
Now, he felt very much vulnerable.
Sara could break him like no other.
Of course, there was a double edge sword.
He could very well break her.
He had come to know her intimately on more levels than she had ever allowed anyone to venture.
He now knew the words that could slice and dice leaving her shredded.
Both had much to lose.
His anger at her admission had burned any bridges that had been established over the years.
She looked at him through eyes of pain and hurt but more sadly of fear.
He spent the next several hours going through the photos.
With each turn, he grew angry with her decision to keep the pregnancy from him.
He began to catalogue every moment he had spent with his daughter so far.
Emma's laugh was like Sara's.
It was her Sidle smile which had given her maternity away.
It made his heart ache knowing that she had existed all of these years without his knowledge.
He prayed that his daughter's life had been happy.
He could only rely on Emma's memories as well as what Sara divulged.
The photos indicated she had lived just that.
It did not make him feel any better as he tried without success to cool the anger he felt for Sara's actions.
Note from author:
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