~ Chapter 11 ~


Breaths rasp in his ears and he's aware of the footsteps treading through viscous blood. His eyes are transfixed by the ground beneath his fingertips, dyed crimson like his hands and arms. Drops fall from his hair onto the previously white sand.

"That was magnificent, Killu," chants the familiar voice of his imprisonment. He can't hear the rest of what Illumi says, closing his mind off to it, but he senses the glee in his brother's tone. He's never killed a group so large and so quickly before, never having grown old enough to use Nen for assassination. Certainly not in front of Illumi…

Before just a few days ago, he'd only had to use blackmail in order to protect Alluka, only had to threaten the other fighters in Heavens Arena and other players in Greed Island who employed sleazy tactics against them. It had been difficult enough to restrict himself to aura and murderous glares to get his message across rather than find release in the trigger-happy frenzy he always found pleasure in before – sawing off fingers, tearing through flesh, breaking bone, twisting heads a little too far. It was all he'd needed.

He hadn't killed any human in years before a few days ago at the seaport. Though he'd realized – they'd all realized – the Chimera Ants were human too in their own way. They possessed memories from their past lives to the point that they embodied the people they had once been. Not all of them regained their memories, and some, despite remembering, continued to work for their own nefarious purposes, but the way they spoke, how they behaved…

They were human enough for him to question how much he had really changed, having killed again without hesitation, driven back to that mindset. Ikalgo was his exception, because of how he reminded him of Gon – and himself – but one life saved wasn't enough to pay for the thousands he'd ruthlessly ended.

His family had been right about him. Killing had been the only thing that brought him joy. In the years leading up to the Hunter Exam, he'd stopped trying to suppress it, his need for death, for control.

But he'd changed in a heartbeat for Gon. In such a short time, spending it with him… Killua realized he had been searching for a reason to stop killing all along.

Of course, the reverse was possible; Killua was fully capable of letting go of his pacified change of heart in order to protect Gon. No matter what, I will protect you for the month you can't use Nen.

The promise he'd made back then still stood. Killing Rammot had been a cinch once he learned fighting for those you care for maximizes one's motivation, and in turn one's strength. And, being partly responsible for what happened to Gon during the war…

As it had been during those years, protecting him was the least Killua could do… especially now that Gon is permanently incapacitated.

Can I even do that anymore?

Killua remains on his hands and knees, not moving. Hardly existing. He can't look up, knowing what he'll see: soulless eyes that devour his every thought and action, reducing his struggles to nothing, nothing, nothing.

You can only feel pleasure when people die.

Your friendship with Gon means nothing. Your pain means nothing.

It means nothing to you.

Those pale, pursing lips, advising him in the best use of his time, the best use of his life, of everything he is, unceasingly picking apart his mind and true desires – what he really is. A killer. A puppet of darkness who wants only to control and overpower others.

"Step away."

Killua looks up.

Illumi has reached the limit of his patience. "How many times do I have to tell you this isn't your affair?"

"I won't let you take another step closer," Gon responds, fists clenched.

"You just watched him massacre hundreds of innocent people," says Illumi, echoing what Killua's thinking in his mind.

Gon says nothing, much to Killua's surprise. He only stands his ground.

"Get up, Killua."

Light enters Killua's expression.

Eh…?

"I wouldn't show your back to him if I were you," says Illumi darkly. "He can turn on you in a second."

"Killua, I said get up," Gon orders. "We have to go."

Killua is caught in disbelief at Gon's unswaying disposition – until sees the reality of his friend's current dilemma. When Gon turns around, he shoots a glare at Killua that tells Killua all he needs to know. Gon is in shock and disgusted, but functional. What motivates him now isn't accusation or anger – that is saved for later – right now, they need to escape.

Killua can feel what Illumi's thinking just from his swirling aura: You could do it right now. He'll suspect nothing. Kill Gon, and fulfill your true purpose. He'll never understand our world. I'm the only one who will ever love you as you truly are.

Painstakingly, Killua brings himself to his feet. Undeniably the scent of blood in Killua's nostrils has heightened his senses to the point that he feels inclined to lay waste to anyone near him in order to free himself from this hyperactive bloodlust. Gon is not on the list of danger, however. It's only Illumi and his aura of smothering, twisted love.

Gon lowers his chin, feeling the change in Killua's aura behind him. When Killua had gone on his frenzy, Gon hadn't felt only bloodlust, but an oozing madness – the despairing cry of a child trapped in their own destructive habits, having grown up and never been shown the light. Now it's malice Gon feels in his friend's aura, directed at Illumi. He isn't holding back anymore. The realization causes Gon to feel uneasy, though Killua makes no move against his older brother.

"Killu, when will you stop denying who you truly are?"

Killua grits his teeth, glaring darkly at Illumi. Standing up to him always depleted his energy. He was going against everything he knew, and despite removing the needle, the fear was so ingrained in him that it reduced him to tears the last time they met like this.

No more.

Gon feels what Killua's thinking through his aura. As much as he would love to destroy Illumi here and now, neither of them are equipped for such a thing in this state and without a plan. Even without Nen, Gon can still see autocratic power swirling around the taller Zoldyck. This isn't the Killua he knows, reckless and impulsive.

I need to bring him back somehow…


~ o=O=o ~


Killua couldn't remember when exactly it started or what specific words were used to describe it. After so many similar occasions, it simply wasn't important enough to remember all of them. It muddled in his mind, growing hazy, distorting reality, becoming truth. Fact. Shaping him into who he is today. There was never a "start" or an "end"; it was just how things were, how they had always been. He never questioned whether it was "right." He never knew something different could be possible.

When he reached a certain age, his family stopped treating his wounds. They would ignore his cries of pain and tell him plainly to do better next time to avoid getting hurt. To them, it was "tough love." To them, it was necessary and beneficial for his development.

With no one to tell him otherwise, Killua assumed they were all correct…


~ o=O=o ~


"I'm going to use the knife on you here."

Chains clinked above him in the darkness, and his fingers tightened, head overtaken by a fog of delirium. The rancid smell of mold crushed him from all sides, the blade on the small of his back slick and cool, causing him to shiver in the room's heat. He burned all over where it had already made its mark.

He squirmed when the cold metal was taken away from his skin, allowed a breath of sickening air until the burning flared up again. Hot liquid oozed out of the newly created wound and down his side, staining his clothes. The chains above his head were louder as he struggled to keep his mouth shut. He forced his limbs to be still, though he trembled all over from the bloody picture being painted on his back.

A cry escaped his lips, desperate and mortifying, but he didn't hear it over the buzzing in his ears. More than anything, he was surprised by the vibration it sent down his body, and immediately sealed his lips shut again. Curving around him, the blade stopped.

The allaying voice of his older brother cooed, "If you let yourself cry out like that during a mission, you know what will happen, don't you? Be quiet."

"I-I'm trying," he stuttered, panting hard. He strained against the cuffs holding his arms above his head, trying to readjust himself against the knife pressed to his spine. The air strangled him in its velleity.

The aloofness of the belligerent presence behind him transformed into something cold, calculating, and heartless. Where the blade lingered, Illumi drove it deeper into his skin. Killua shrieked, his body shuddering violently, only causing the knife to twist farther in. Black hair tickled his neck as Illumi leaned forward to his ear, whispering softly, "If you don't keep quiet, I'll make it worse."

The boy nodded emphatically, though he couldn't see, having shut his eyelids so tightly that he was seeing neon colors. Tears stabbed at the corners, but he knew his brother hated self-pitying tears more than screaming. He bit down hard on his bottom lip, until the clinking of the chains was all that rang true once again, and the dungeon was silent.

Eventually, the older sibling leaned back from his younger brother, and the burning subsided. "Very good, Killu. You're doing well. Once you've mastered this technique, we'll move on to the more advanced training."

He remained silent, knowing he'd start crying if he opened his mouth.

Trailing the cool blade across his skin, Illumi guided the knife down Killua's back. "Here." He pressed it in.

Flame ignited. His wrists ached as he fought back the darkness, though the arms of sweet, sweet unconsciousness welcomed him.

He pushed it back.

Just a little more, he thought. Just a little more…!

I can bear it…

The light of dawn was hardly visible between the curtains. It was a dark blue sky. When Killua saw just how dark, his eyes shot open and he bolted upright on the bed. His head spun as he searched the room, squinting at every article to search for an impending threat – but he didn't recognize where he was. That meant he wasn't at home.

Killua sighed, the pain abating. Gon was beside him on the bed, snoozing soundly. Killua leaned forward, weaving his fingers in his silver hair, attempting to calm his breathing and fast-beating heart. After a few minutes, he heard a rustle behind him.

"Killua…?" Gon was languorous as he rubbed his eyes, sitting up. They were both only in their underwear, having gone to sleep in a hotel in a tropical country. It had gotten colder throughout the night though. The sun was still below the horizon.

Gon had awoken from the surge in Killua's Nen – it was the same Ten-saturated vigilance he used when there was an enemy nearby. Losing his Nen seemed to have made Gon more acute to the aura of those around him – or maybe only Killua's.

"I-it's nothing," Killua lied, turned away from Gon's inquisitive eyes. Gon looked too sleepy to process anything he was saying. Plus, he wouldn't know where to start… It would be pointless. Gon was just a bystander – like with Alluka, explaining would take more energy than the dream had taken from him. It was easier just to deal with it on his own – better, even.

Gon didn't believe it was "nothing" for one second, feeling Killua's anxiety, but he also felt that asking would never make Killua divulge an answer. He wouldn't know how to ask, anyway…

He sat awake as Killua left to go to the bathroom, processing. When Killua returned, he was surprised to see Gon still watching him cautiously – if not also tiredly. Self-consciously, Killua put his legs underneath the covers as he laid back down.

Aware that Gon still hadn't moved from his position, Killua looked over. "What?"

Gon shrugged, still blinking in the low light. His friend's pale shoulders loosened slightly before turning away.

"…Good night, then," Killua said.

"Don't you mean good morning?"

Facing the other wall, Killua scoffed quietly in a way that sounded more like a sneeze. "Whaddyou want, Gon?"

A shift on the mattress, and Killua felt his backside dip, a hand on his arm. White eyebrows crumpled together, eyes shut, he asked, "Jeeeez, wha'izzit, weirdo?" He tried to ignore Gon's sleepy breath tickling his neck, having not yet forgotten the sensations of the dream. Feeling Gon's warm body behind him… he had to keep reminding himself it wasn't a conniving move.

"Aren't you cold?" Gon whispered.

"I'm fine," Killua answered grouchily, yanking the covers up to his chin to remove Gon's hand from his arm.

Gon paused a moment. "Do you mind if I sleep next to you?"

"That's what you're already doing," Killua murmured, already done with the conversation and ready for sleep.

"I mean… right right next to you."

Slurring, his face was half-buried in the pillow, "Sure, do whatever makes you shuddup faster."

Gon didn't exactly like that response. "Killuaaaa!" he whined breathily, so close to his ear.

"Aaaaah, so noisy," Killua groaned. He didn't have the heart to push him back though.

"Pleeeaase, Killua, I'm cooold."

"I already said yes," he said loudly, rotating his head slightly against the pillow. "What're you wai –"

Gon's hand brushed against Killua's lower back. Killua jumped, alerting Gon to his action. The springs of the mattress creaked. All at once he was burning again, in every place Illumi's knife had touched him and more.

"Killua…?" Gon sat up in bewilderment, trying to catch a glimpse of Killua's face. "Are you okay?"

What was that…? Why hadn't it…? His mind was running in a thousand different directions, trying to understand.

"I'm sorry," said Gon, already scooching away. "I'm sorry for being annoying. I'll sleep on my side of the –"

"No," said Killua, breathless.

Gon watched him, confused.

The touch… it hadn't been… It burned, but nothing like when it was Illumi touching him. "I didn't mind it," he felt himself saying.

Gon would have thought Killua had lost it, if not for Killua's voice being steady. "Eh…?"

When caught in the joy of the moment, they would touch each other as any friends do, or when space was limited. It was always as a joke, out of safe necessity. It was nothing. Never a purposeful, conscious choice to be made – at least, that's what Gon always told himself… but the air between them now was different. Gon could feel it, and Killua knew.

Gon moved closer, trying to see Killua's face, but his friend made no move nor sound. Only waited.

"…You liked it?" The words almost got caught coming out of his mouth.

Killua's head moved slightly against the pillow. "Mm…"

Gon waited for more of an answer, but it never came. Killua was still trying to figure out what it was, why it was so different – why didn't it bother him?

Slowly, Gon's arm draped around him. Instead of burning, Killua felt warm, daresay warmer than he had ever felt before. Killua's aura relaxed – though, still afraid of another negative reaction, Gon remained a few inches away from him for a spell. Killua's breath only lengthened. He didn't shy away from Gon's touch. He actually seemed to be welcoming him.

Gon scooted closer, until their bodies were pressed against each other. Feeling Killua's legs, arms, and body against his – it put his mind completely at ease. He closed his eyes, tentatively relaxing his worry with a smile as he drifted into sleep…

Killua awoke to the sound of running water. Too embarrassed and confused by last night, he quickly got up to start his morning routine – before realizing Gon was occupying the bathroom, and he would have to wait. He did some stretching instead.

When Gon emerged from the bathroom, he smiled shyly at Killua before saying "good morning." It was so contrasting to his usual bright smile and flowery greeting that Killua wrapped his arm around his shoulders and yanked him forward, mussing his already mussed wet hair. "Gee, what's with you today?"

Gon giggled in Killua's hold, but said nothing more. Killua realized why.

When he took his shower, Killua washed away any lingering feeling of Illumi's blade, and Gon's warm hands…

The day carried on as usual. They spent time together as they always did, but something was different in the air around them, lurking quietly beneath the pleasantness of their playful banter and lingering stares, unaddressed.

That night, Gon wanted to mention it again, the feeling from last night, having been avoiding it – and yet thinking about it all day. He felt asking would be demanding too much. Then why do I feel the need to…? And more importantly, why did he like being that close so much?

He wanted to do it again, he wanted to see if Killua would like to do it again – but the other made no indication. Gon felt it would be too awkward to –

"Killua, do you want to sleep closer again tonight?"

– never mind.

The question struck a flair in Killua's aura in such a short instant that Gon couldn't tell if it was from euphoria or panic.

"Uhh, I dunno…"

"Please…?"

Killua hesitated before turning away on the bed. "Do whatever you want."

Gon wasn't sure what that meant, but Killua's body language didn't change, nor did his aura. When Gon moved closer, Killua tensed, so he refrained from putting his arms around him. Instead, he laid comfortably behind him.

Alert to Gon's every move, Killua quieted his mind as Gon's breath rose and fell behind him, wondering if he would move closer again. His nepenthe came from the warmth of his touch, and yet, while they were close…

They were still so far away…

They were friends, so they didn't have to think of it as meaning anything more than that. They were friends, so getting closer would have been useless anyway. They didn't want to in fear of what the other might think, if he ever found out that it being "only friendship"… wasn't the entire truth.

Neither could face the reality that it was more.


~ o=O=o ~


Gon senses the tremble in his friend's state of mind, sees how his fingers strain outward, thirsty for blood. Killua is covered in it – they both are – his hair, skin, and clothes blotted out by it all. The air reeks of gasoline, salt, and decay.

Illumi watches them as unflinchingly as ever, feeling like a black hole as he stands in the fire's light.

Why hasn't Illumi made a move yet? Gon thinks suddenly. Surely he senses Killua's bloodlust… Does he not believe that he's serious?

Gon is about to turn to Killua, to warn him of Illumi's deceitful intentions, but he's afraid of what he'll see – eyes full of darkness, ready to detachedly tear through anything that comes across his path. Right now, he doesn't believe Killua will listen…

"We'll see each other again, Killu," comes his inveigle laugh.

Gon's eyes widen. What…?

"Oh, you're leaving?" Killua spits at Illumi. The first words he's spoken since his murderous rampage.

Is he leaving because he actually feels threatened by Killua? Gon wonders. Or is there another reason…? Something we can't see…

Illumi positions himself sideways between the Hunters and the forest, turning his head to cast back one last smirk, promenading away. Killua steps closer to Gon.

"Gon, as soon as he's near the edge of the trees, let's both rush him at once."

This scares Gon even more, seeing how Killua's aura hasn't changed at all. Concern shadows across Gon's face in the dying firelight, and he whispers frantically, "Killua, aren't you being a little aggressive considering the situation we're in?!"

Killua's aura swirls. "I'm fine. I've taken out all his Needlemen – we won't get another chance like this! We have to act now –!"

"No, you aren't fine!" Gon hollers, standing between Killua and the forest. Illumi's figure is disappearing into the darkness.

Killua's fists tighten. "Gon, he's getting away!" He's about to lurch forward with all speed.

Panicking, Gon catches his wrist and holds it tightly. "You can't!"

"Let go of me, Gon!" Killua orders, trying to yank his hand away. Feeling his ironclad fingers, seeing the resolve in Gon's stance, he knows Gon's will is solid. "That bastard is clearly planning something! What if he finds Alluka?! I can't just let him go!"

Killua's claws are out and his heels dig into the red-white sand as he struggles to get past Gon.

Gon pushes him back. "Killua, stop! You sound just like –!"

"Like what?!" Killua hisses at him, getting more agitated by the second with Gon working against him.

"Like me!" he erupts. "You sound like me! Stop this! You can't just –!"

"I don't care – LET ME GO!"

Killua isn't listening, he's trying to shove Gon aside before Illumi is completely lost. Gon gives up diplomacy and does the unthinkable. With a hand on Killua's chest, he pushes Killua back hard enough so that he skids over fifteen feet away, his legs cutting deep gashes into the sand.

Before Gon can register what's happening, in a flash Killua is on top of him, pinning him down with both knees pressed into his shoulders. Killua's eyes are slitted and focused, the fingers of one hand curled around Gon's throat as he raises his clawed others against smoky starlight.

Gon would cry out – except he's so surprised that he can't utter a sound. He can only lay there, gasping for breath as he watches his friend's face. Killua quickly comes back to reality, seeing the shock on his first friend's face.

His mind splits in two.

No…

His fingers retract from Gon's neck.

No…!

This is all wrong…!

He's hurt and confused – he doesn't know where he is or what he's doing. He stumbles back from Gon and clutches his head, his hair clumpy from all the dried blood. His hands are crusty with it. A guttural scream tears his throat as tears leak out from under his palms, and Gon sits up, open-mouthed and wide-eyed. The carnage of the Needlemen stains the ground below them, but his friend's torment is everywhere, circling all around them, whizzing through the air.

What can I do…? Gon pleas. What can I do…?! I don't know what to do!

Killua falls to his knees with a bloody splat. His hands are normal as they cling to his head, pulling out his hair. His aura vacillates with remorse, cold and desolate, distant from this world.

Gon stands to approach him, but Killua is instantly on-guard, lashing out at him. "Please – get away from me! You were wrong!" he sobs. "You were all wrong! My family was right –! You were wrong…! I'll only –!"

Gon is already stretching his arms out toward him, and Killua attempts to get away – but his legs won't move how he wants them to. His hands push against Gon's chest, his tears carving trails of white skin in the blood on his cheeks – and though fraught with whimpering, Gon knows it's his friend staring back at him. His blue eyes no longer reflect a starless sky.

Gon watches him in sympathy as he takes his shoulders into his hands, and Killua holds Gon too, crying too intensely to look directly back at him. His arms close firmly around Killua, gently pulling him closer. Killua isn't able to put up much of a fight after that. He sobs into Gon's neck, breathing so rapidly that it sounds as though he might burst. Gon shields him from the heat of the burning airship with his arms across his back, and the slow, watery ocean waves rocking behind them.

He says softly, looking up at the sky, "Killua, I'm really glad to have you as my friend."

Hardly able to speak between gasps, he stutters, "M-me too."

Gon smiles to himself, closing his eyes, glad to finally have Killua crying and shaking in his arms… but how much is he still holding back? How long has he been holding this in?

How long will it take for Killua to tell him all the things he doesn't understand?


I recently realized that I never formally thanked my anonymous reviewers.

Thank you to the anon who reviewed the first chapter of this story. It was certainly an encouraging start to this long journey I've embarked myself upon, and I'm glad you found this to be up to par with my previous stories, haha~ And I hope, if you're still reading, you've enjoyed the continuation! Thank you to Josie, for putting up with all my rants (on Tumblr) and of course for reviewing. I know you may discontinue, but I'm glad you've felt I haven't done anything too radical yet. X'P Thank you to Becca, for your review on chapter 7. Wow, I'm not sure I could read that many words in an hour! Since you asked, college has been… interesting; I've learned a lot, but more so outside the classroom than in. I hope you've enjoyed more of the story if you ever caught up on the recent chapters as well. Thank you to my most recent anon reviewer! I'm so happy you like my writing style and the angsty/light structure of the story, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter and will continue to enjoy the rest of the story!

And of course thank you to my muse, Miru. I couldn't have made it this far in the story without your insights on Gon. Truly, you've saved me more times than I can count.


I haven't mentioned it before because I've been so caught up in the business of life that my mind hasn't been all that present for the last year, but I guess this really isn't some run-of-the-mill fanfic? It may not have as much attention compared to other HxH and KilluGon fics, but I feel as though my readers are so passionate about the story along with me that it really helps motivate me to write chapters. So… I just want to say thank you so much for all of your support, patience, and your enthusiasm for these characters and this story. I've put a lot of time into this fic, perhaps more than any before it, though it isn't – yet – nearly as long. I really hope you all like what I have in store!

One more announcement: When I first released chapter 3, I mentioned that I would write a one-shot based on the flashback that Killua had about him and Gon getting caught in the rain. Well, I took that out of the Author's Note assuming it would never happen. But it did! I wrote a fluffy one-shot for KilluGon Day, and it's on my profile titled Singin' in the Rain. I hope you'll give it a shot!

Thank you, and I hope you'll leave your thoughts below~