Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 11
Warning: Hrm... guess maybe there isn't one today other than some violent actions... pity really... although I suppose I should warn that at the end of this tale there will be a brief change in style, you'll know it when you see it. Believe me when I say such footers will not be in all the stories to follow, but in the overall might become important. We will see, won't we? Oh! And just a tad bit of implied RussiaXEngland. Because I can.
A Note from the Narrator:
Privyet readers! I am back very soon this time as I felt that I left you all alone far too long before! Do not worry, I am sure after hearing a few more of my tales, even the last hold outs will wish to be one with me, da? Da! So in this next tale, I will be playing the lead of a simple private in the king's militia, England has agreed to return and be the king once he insisted I tell him the full contents of this tale and of course the officer on guard could be no other than my dear comrade America!
I know that a few readers might have an inkling of how things may turn out here, but I personally love this tale very much as it shows the true wit the Russian peoples may possess. It is quite wonderful! So with that, enjoy this next tale!
XOXOXO
The Just Reward
The English king of a certain country lost his ring while on a drive through his capital. He at once placed a notice in the newspapers, promising that whoever might find and return the ring would receive a large reward of money. I, a simple private, was lucky enough to find it.
"But now I do not know what to do, da?" I said, "If I report this at the regimental headquarters, it will be referred to my superiors, and each in his turn from the sergeant to the company commander and all the commanders after him, and then to the colonel, and then to the brigadier general. There will never be an end to it, da? Instead I shall go straight to the king!"
And so I crossed the land and came to the palace. The American pig officer on guard asked me: "Yo dude, so NOT a pig! And what the hell do you want in Artie's palace for anyway?"
I sighed, "I have found the king's ring, da?"
"HA HA HA! That's great! I will totally announce you broski, but only if you promise to split the reward with me fifty-fifty!"
So I thought to myself, that for once in my life I have had a piece of luck and now I had to share it! But I said to the officer, "Very well, I agree, but give to me a note stating that half the reward is for you, and half for me."
"Sure bro, no prob!"
Kolkol... anyway~ The officer gave to me the note and announced me to the king. The king praised me for having found the ring.
"Ah yes, my lines... Thank you, brave soldier! I shall give you two thousand pounds as a reward!"
Ah, that is rubles, we are in Russia, da?
"Well you say a certain country, but you said I was an English king! Where else would I be ruling?"
Well that was just to help distinguish... ah, well, it is not important, da? So I said to the king, "No, Your Royal Majesty! That is not a soldier's reward. A soldier's reward is two hundred lashes!"
"What? Are you mad? Very well, BRING IN THE STICKS!"
I began to undress, and as I unbuttoned my tunic the note from the officer dropped to the floor.
"What the bloody hell... what paper is that?"
"Your Majesty, that is a note stating that only half the reward is for me, and that the other half must go to the officer on guard!"
The King laughed... ah, da, just like that. That's... that's a rather dark laugh... um... but he called in the officer on guard.
"GIVE HIM ONE HUNDRED LASHES!"
"Wh-what? Artie! Iggy, c-come on have a heart Art- AH! GOD! OW! FUCK!"
The order was carried out and when it was time to count the last ten lashes I drew near to the king, uh, who was looking unusually gleeful, and said: "Your Majesty, since he is so greedy, I will give the other half of the reward to him too."
The king laughed... still very dark... though I suppose it is a rather funny sight with the pig twitching like that! And he said to me, "How kind you are! GIVE HIM THE SECOND HUNDRED LASHES!"
After this the officer could hardly crawl home...
"Yo... not... fucking... cool... bro... Imma gonna nuke your ass... fuuuuuck..."
Are you sure that is not an innuendo? Because it certainly sounds like one!
"Damn... fuck... I'm g-going home now but... I'll be back... gaaaaah need burgers..."
"THAT'S RIGHT! LEAVE! SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU LITTLE TROLLOP! Oh that felt good. He'll be fine of course, but damn it he needs a good spanking that little..."
Da I quite agree but we have a story to finish. Now then, as for me the king gave to me an honorable discharge from the service and presented me with three thousand rubles.
"Pounds!"
These are Russian fairy tales, da? Anyway, the end!
"Well whatever. Now if you have more parts for me like that I can see helping you in the future!"
Hmm... I'm sure we can work something out, da? That is all for now readers! Until next time, I cannot wait until all become one with Mother Russia!
XOXOXO
As Russia and England entered into a new partnership agreement that may or may not have involved alcohol and a wild night of reckless abandon, many kilometers away in Lithuania's house the three Baltics, and Prussia for some reason, were gathered in their host country's kitchen and partaking in tea, , and a heated game of four-way battleship. It is possible to play, if a bit complicated if you're trying to keep track of where your opponents boats are via the upper portion of your own board, and the Baltics would never have agreed to this if Prussia had not barged into their small reunion uninvited and insisted that it would be 'awesome'.
In any case, while Latvia whimpered of only having the single, two hit ship remaining, Estonia was doing well with three boats left, if one was quickly failing, Lithuania had two still standing with one slowly sinking and Prussia was busily moving his boats when no one was looking to cheat his way to victory, the four were also engaged in a rather serious conversation.
"Fuck Russia though, seriously, D4 Toris," Gilbert said. Lithuania sighed.
"Hit."
"Sunk yet?"
"Not yet."
"Damn it, it's the five hit one?" Gilbert sighed, "Anyway, fuck Russia. Seriously, we are NOT in the Soviet Union anymore, we can't let him get away with all this fairy tale crap! I don't even know how the fuck he's doing it, but even when I say no to being in his damn little 'plays' I still end up appearing there in fucking animal ears or... or something! And even THAT wouldn't be so bad if he didn't keep... well you know!"
Estonia sighed, "I don't like it either, I've already died once thanks to this fairy tale thing, but given as we don't know how he's managing this we may have to wait until he's finished."
Lithuania groaned softly, "And seeing as he mentioned that he's doing another tale today, there's still 567 to go."
"WHAT? UNAWESOME! Your turn Raivis."
"O-oh, me?" Latvia jumped, "Um, Eduard, K10?"
"Oh, hit," Estonia frowned and added a peg to his submarine, "Well without a better plan, we will simply have to wait until he's done. Hopefully he'll spread them out amongst other nations so no one is bothered overly much."
Prussia huffed. "He's already bothered me too much! You know I've already been in at least half of these, it's fucking annoying! I've got things to do you know!"
"Which of course is why you burst in here and made us play battleship with you," Estonia said with a smirk. Prussia grumbled in response.
"Not the point! Toris, go!"
"Oh, Raivis, B4?"
"Before what?" Latvia looked confused, then realised, "OH! Oh... hit..." Latvia looked a bit miserable as he put a red peg into his last ship. "Um, but isn't there a way to figure out how Mr. Russia is doing these things?"
Lithuania bit his lip a moment. "Well... you see about that... I went to Natalya the other day to ask her what she thought-"
"Christ! Is that why your arm's in a sling?" Prussia interrupted.
"Oh, right, that, I'd forgotten!" Lithuania laughed, "She was so cute! But she accidently slammed my arm in the door, weird huh? Anyway, she yelled at me that Russia was likely using magic! Which might make sense, I know he likes cursing people, but I've never heard of him using magic like this before."
Estonia frowned. "Even if that were possible, we can't very well fight against magic. Perhaps he's using some kind of new technology...?"
"Russia and new technology? Phht..." Prussia rolled his eyes. The Baltics shared a nervous laugh and instinctively looked over their shoulders in fear that the Russian was somehow listening to them.
"Well whatever the case," Estonia said as he whipped off his glasses to clean them. "We can't fight him off, so we'll wait until he's done. We've suffered through this before."
Latvia fidgeted in his seat, "Um, well, Peter said-"
"Who's Peter?" Prussia snorted.
Latvia coughed nervously, "S-Sealand is, um, yeah well, he once told me that England can... can do magic so... maybe... maybe he could help... aaah but he's scary! I don't know what to do!"
Prussia shook his head. "No way, that guy doesn't like me! He won't help! Anyway, didn't Russia use him in his fairy tales before now?"
Lithuania looked interested. "Maybe he doesn't realise how bad it is for us? I think we should try asking for his help anyway."
Estonia slipped his glasses back onto his nose. "It might help, it wouldn't hurt to ask."
"I guess," Prussia muttered, "Unless Russia convinced him to make some kind of unholy alliance or partnership or whatever."
"I-I'm sure that hasn't happened!" Latvia said, though he looked fearful, "So... so let's do it!"
"Sure, but after the game! Eduard!" Prussia turned to Estonia.
"Oh, Latvia, B5," Estonia said simply.
"Sunk... I'm out..." Latvia said glumly and refilled his tea cup. He wondered if he'd ever win any of these weird games Prussia came up with.
By the end of the game, Estonia had realised that Prussia did not seem to have boats anywhere on the board and was likely cheating, but decided not to mention it in hopes that when Prussia won he would leave. Sadly he did not and insisted he wanted to keep his winning streak going so it was only after three more of these obviously cheated games that the group finally left to try and find favour with England. Of course, the man was not home instead being in a hotel room somewhere in Russia. America was at England's house however booby-trapping all of England's doors so they would dump bacon grease all over whoever entered. Latvia got the worst of that. It seemed the group would have to return another day and endure Russia's recent interest in his old fairy tales in the meantime...
((Joyful Note: So... these extra drabble-y bits of the Baltics and Prussia trying to stop Russia's fairy tale antics will not be in every chapter, but I may use them when the story ends up shorter than expected. I hope it was enjoyable enough. Though I would like feedback from anyone who believes that our shivering heroes should stop Russia's antics at any point, since if ever these fairy tales start getting repetitive and boring or I lose motivation to write them the Baltics will be my get-out-of-jail-free card and I can have them end this madness at any time based on feedback from you guys. When it's time to end it, I'll know because I will have 10 signed reviews on a single chapter telling me so. If that should ever occur, the next chapter will mark the end. I consider this the best way of making me stop this nonsense before it all becomes unbearable. And just because you got two updates in two days does not mean this is the new norm. It isn't, the next tale is kind of longer and make take a while longer to finish. And I have things to do. But I'll keep posting this, of course. It's fun.))
