Chapter 11 – Nothing Gold Can Stay
I don't want to get up yet, okay?
In fact the way I feel right now, I may never get out of bed again.
I knew immediately that our plan had worked, because I suddenly had an entire lifetime of memories and recollections of events I never experienced and people I never actually knew. They were his memories, and now they were mine as well, right there ready to be recalled and examined as easily as my own.
It was overwhelming. I couldn't block the mad rush of them racing through my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut and carefully rolled over on my side clutching my pillow, trying to ride out the pain gripping my entire body while I attempted to make sense of it.
It wasn't too surprising that Kenny hadn't told us a lot of the things that had happened to him during his 78 year lifetime. Of course it would have taken a lot more time than the few hours the three of us had had together; but he had never even hinted at the tragic things that he had gone through.
Leopold had been killed in an accident soon after his 19th birthday. One of the neighbor's tractors was broken down and he was working on it alone. Apparently he'd gotten it started and had been run over by it. Kenny's family had never really recovered from that tragedy, and when Sandra died unexpectedly when Kenny was 68, he spent the last ten years of his life slowly drinking himself to death at night while working odd jobs during the day. Only Kerry had stayed close by; Kevin moved east seeking construction work in the rebuilding of the country.
His depression had been its worst during the last few weeks of his life when it was obvious he was dying. His body had finally given out even though his mind was as sharp as ever, and Kenny had mourned what he considered a wasted life.
I had all his memories, but there was still one unanswered question: Where did he go? And as soon as I thought that I felt something stir in my mind, and heard a voice that sounded like mine say something to me that I didn't think.
Hey…it wasn't all bad, you know.
It was him.
"Oh Jesus…you are still there." I clutched my pillow harder and buried my face into it, wishing all this would stop.
Of course I am came that voice inside my head again. He didn't actually say it, but I heard him think: Where else would I be, Scottsdale?
"Uh uh," I said, shaking my head vigorously in negation. "Nope. I can't do this."
His tone changed instantly, becoming concerned. Do what, Ken?
"Go back to my life now," I said bitterly, crushing my face against the pillow to wipe away the sudden tears leaking from my eyes. "With all these memories of what you've been through." A deep ache began settling into my shoulders from when I'd shaken my head a moment ago. I knew it was going to get worse before it got better and the pain would soon make talking impossible. "And YOU…inside my head, talking to me like a fucking peanut gallery." My back seized up in an agonizing spasm, and I focused on my breathing, trying to ride it out.
Okay Ken, just slow down all right? Let's get through you reincarnating first…then we'll talk.
I realized he was feeling the pain too, and couldn't help but feel a little glad that I wasn't the only one going through it, as well as guilty that he knew I was thinking that.
Then I realized he didn't hold my thinking that against me, and I forced myself to stop thinking while the pain crested and began to ease.
Y'know…if I could…" Kenny voice was agonized. I'd hold you and try to keep you still, like you and Butters did for me. But I can't…so please, try to keep it together and ride this out with me. I saw his memory of that; he had felt more lost than I do right now during those first few minutes he'd reincarnated here in this bed after dying of old age. By holding him, Butters and I had possibly saved him from spiraling into madness. It was a strange sensation, seeing that moment from both our perspectives.
I nodded, but carefully this time, mindful of the spasms in my shoulders. The pain was letting up, and at least that part of this nightmare would be over soon.
Hey…remember this? He asked suddenly and thought of something, a memory so old it felt like it should be sepia-toned, and I knew at once that this was one of his favorite memories, and that he was trying to distract me from the pain with it.
I was carrying a squirming ten week old German Shepherd into our kitchen, and Leopold had looked up from the table, his birthday cake momentarily forgotten and his face lighting up with joy when he spotted him. Leo! Kerry had shouted excitedly from his highchair. You got a puppy!
That dog had stayed with us for fourteen years and had mourned Leopold's disappearance every bit as much as the rest of the family. He'd become my dog afterward, rarely leaving my side and sleeping between Sandra's and my feet, and he'd had a well-tended grave behind my house after he left us.
Or this… Kenny said, and sent me another memory, this time of cuddling with Sandra late at night after the kids were in bed. I had loved her, but not in the all-consuming first time love way I had Butters, who had eventually (no matter how hard I resisted) become a distant memory. She was my best friend, and the love I felt for her had grown slowly over time.
Or this… Another memory, this time of family reading night: Sandra and our three kids passing around a well-worn paperback copy of 'The Lord of the Rings' and reading aloud to each other. Kevin used to hold Kerry in his lap and help him with the bigger words when it was his turn to read.
"You knew it would be something like this, didn't you?" I asked, and didn't need to wait for him to answer; I could see it in his mind. I had been incredibly naïve, not having a single clue what it would be like for the two of us to be smashed back together into a single person again. He, on the other hand, had had decades to think about it, even though he didn't know what form it was going to come in.
I sucked in a sharp breath when I stumbled across another of his memories. It had only taken him fifteen minutes to teach Butters everything he needed to know about how to hold our dad's rifle and fire it. They'd spent the rest of the four hours they'd shared together while I was asleep talking about life, what it was like to get old, and what he thought would happen if Butters successfully killed us both at the same moment. He hadn't told Butters about any of the sad times either; there'd been no good reason to.
Butters had known what this would be like for me while he was wrapping duct tape around our heads. I was preparing to say something about how it would have been nice if they had clued me in as well, then realized that maybe it was better this way.
Most of the pain of returning had eased, and I sensed Kenny preparing to talk to me.
Ken? His voice was cautious. I can't do anything about the memories…but you can! You can either choose to pick through them and remember all the bad times; or you can think about the better ones…and learn something from them. And don't make the same mistakes I did.
I nodded, feeling the first bit of hope in what felt like a bottomless well of despair when I realized he was right. "Yeah," I replied. "Geez, that last ten years of your former life—"
I know. I was a mess, man. I'd do it all differently now if I could… Hopefully things will go better this time. And even if they don't? I—I'd still make better decisions, knowing what I know now. Try not to hold that time against me, okay?
He was pleading with me, and I knew I couldn't fault him for those last ten years; his memories of them weren't only of the tragic events themselves, but the depth of his grief as a result of them as well. Given the same circumstances, I might have made similar choices.
And as for me being in your head? That isn't going to be a problem either, and I'll tell you why. Yeah, it feels great to be inside this body again, instead of that sad pile of skin and bones I became, but you still gotta remember something: I'm 78 years old. I could hear him laughing. I'm fucking tired, man! I'm more than ready to turn this ship over to you and kick back and let you steer. Hell, I think I might even be able to go to sleep.
"Really?" I whispered into the pillow. I could see in his mind that he was telling the truth: He was content to 'retire' as it were, and let someone younger (and with all his experiences) take over.
Yep…see? You'll be all right Ken, I promise. Especially if you do a better job than I did tending your life. I smiled, completely involuntarily, and realized it was him doing it. Don't make me have to wake up again and kick your ass, dude.
I laughed, hugging the pillow harder and imagining I was cuddling with him.
"You know?" It felt strange talking to him as a friend again, instead of like he was just an alien voice in my head. Even though I knew he already knew what I was going to say next, I said it anyway because I needed the closure it would bring. "I know I can't live with you talking to me inside my head for the rest of my life…but I'm going to miss you, dude." I could sense him listening. "I'm not really sure how to say goodbye to you."
You pretty much already have. Remember man, you're inside my head too…and being able to see that you're going to learn from my mistakes and make a few better choices is good enough for me. I'll be able to rest just fine.
I nodded, still clutching the pillow. We lay quietly for a moment, contemplating how to say our farewells.
Hey…do you remember this? He sent another memory to me. It looked like another family reading night, and it took me a moment to recall this exact occasion, and when I did I sat up in wonder, the pillow tumbling to my lap. It was one of his favorite memories.
"Oh God…of course I do!" We had been reading the novel 'The Outsiders' and it was Kerry's turn to read a page from it. He had come to the passage where Ponyboy recited the Robert Frost Poem to Johnny while they were hiding in the abandoned church.
Kenny and I said the first line together: "Nature's first green is gold, her hardest hue to hold…"
I knew where he was going with reminding me of this and smirked. "Good one, McCormick," I said, interrupting us from recalling the rest of the poem. "How old was I then?" I wanted to hear the answer directly from him, rather than search his memory for it.
Well, I think Kareberry (I smiled fondly at the nickname) –was about seven, and he'd been reading for a couple years by then, so we were about…fifty seven-or-eight or so?
I nodded, immersing myself into the memory for a moment. Kerry had read the entire poem, sounding out the words without needing any help, and afterward we'd stopped reading for the night and stayed up long after the kids' bedtimes talking about what that poem meant to each of us.
"I know why you made me remember that," I said, laying back down and pulling the pillow against my chest. I could tell that he was at peace, and we both knew we were saying our goodbyes now.
You like that, huh? I nodded, closing my eyes. So...I guess this is it, then.
"Yeah. I…" I fumbled for words and could only come up with "Good bye, Ken. Thanks for everything. I mean it."
Make that so long for now. I've got a feeling we'll cross paths somehow in the next lifetime. Oh…and one more thing…
I smiled sadly as a single tear rolled down my cheek. "Yes?" I whispered, knowing what he was going to say next.
Kenny…stay gold.
"I will," I replied, but he was gone. It was as though he had winked out of existence, and I was once again alone inside my own head. Only his memories remained, and I knew I would always have those. I began looking through them, avoiding the sad ones for now, knowing I'd have plenty of time to dwell on them in the future. I thought of memories of Christmases and birthdays, of working together in our garden and helping Sandra homeschool our boys. The entire family had once comforted Kevin when a field mouse he tried to rescue from one of our barn cats had died.
My trip down someone else's memory lane was cut short by an unmistakable sound from outside. It was Butters' car, pulling into the empty lot across the street and parking. I smiled and sat up when I heard his car door slam.
I climbed out of bed and quickly got dressed. Then I hurried to the window; and for the last time ever, I was aware of Kenny's presence as I felt his heart soar with joy alongside mine as I opened the curtain and looked out at Butters hurrying across my front yard. I raised the window and stepped back.
He stuck his head into the room and grinned at me.
"Hey Kenny!" he said happily and started to climb through the window. "Did you miss me?"
THE END
Except that's not quite the end; there's still one more chapter to go: an alternate ending, or another way all of this could have turned out under the circumstances.
Thanks to everyone who left a review for this! They really mean a lot.
