Confessions

Cloud laid on top of his sheets, arm behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened on the cliff. Not just her close call with the edge, but everything that had happened before. It had been a long time since he'd felt so good, and he had let his guard down. It was getting harder and harder to remember why he had to keep it up around her.

Besides his whirling thoughts, the days had been hot lately, which made it that much harder to get comfortable in the muggy bedroom. He wore only his shorts to bed. A cool breeze trickled in through the open window and felt good on his bare skin.

"No!"

He sat up straight in bed. Had he imagined it?

"Stop it! Muh—"

Tifa! Cloud sprinted down the hall, bursting into her bedroom.

Tifa was tangled up in her sheets, thrashing around. "Monster!" she cried.

Cloud ran to her, trying to grab her thrashing hands. She still got a couple knocks in before he could pin them down. "Tifa! Tifa, wake up!"

Tifa's eyes flew open, but all she registered were her pinned-down wrists. Her eyes filled with terror and she thrashed harder, flailing with her feet and knees, attacking Cloud until he released her wrists and backed away.

"Ow! Jesus!"

She sat up straight in her bed and blinked, her bedroom coming into focus and the dream fading away.

"Ugh. Shit."

She turned to see Cloud sitting on her floor with a hand over his eye.

"Cloud? What are you doing in here?"

"Being assaulted, apparently," he groused.

Her hand flew to her mouth. "Oh my god, did I do that?" She jumped out of bed and knelt next to him. "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize it was you…"

He shook his head, grimacing. "It's ok. I should have known better than to hold you down like that."

She gently pulled his hand away from his face. It was odd to feel the skin of his hands, without the ever-present gloves he wore. "Let me see." She touched gingerly under his eye. "Mm. That's going to be black tomorrow."

"It's fine," he said, shrugging her off. He pushed sweaty hair back from her forehead, unsticking dark brown strands from her face. "Are you ok? You were having a nightmare."

Tifa's eyes were unfocused for a moment, remembering. Then she shook it from her mind. "Just a dream. Come on. I'll get you some ice."

She took his hand and pulled him to his feet, then led him down the stairs, through the kitchen, over to the freezer. Tifa put some ice into a bag, then wrapped it in cloth. "Sit," she ordered.

Cloud sat down at the kitchen table. She perched on the chair next to him and held the ice to his left eye. With his other eye, he stared at her, drinking in every detail: her big brown eyes; her perfectly straight nose; her full lips; her long dark hair in a loose braid, several strands escaped and floating loosely around her face; her powerful shoulders and arms; her hands, small but deadly.

He stopped there, taking her free hand in both of his. He couldn't go on the way they had been. That kiss the night of the party had sparked something inside him. Since then, it had been a constant struggle to stay away from her. She seemed to accept it as long as he kept his distance, but any time he slipped, he had to push her away again and they were back where they started, in this endless cycle of hurting her.

He wanted to fix it, but what if he made it worse? Should he even try? He had to try. He was no good with words, but maybe he could just show her. He brought her hand to his lips, kissing her fingertips gently.

Tifa pulled her hand away and set the ice on the table. She got up and started pacing restlessly. "Cloud, I can't deal with all these mixed signals. I don't know what you want from me and it's—"

He put his head in his hands. "I know! I know. I'm sorry. I just…" He didn't know what he meant to say – that he was sorry that he wasn't strong enough to stick to his convictions around her, or that he was sorry that he needed to keep his distance in the first place.

She knelt in front of him and pulled his hands away from his head. "Don't close off again, please," she begged. "I need you to talk to me. I need to know." Tifa swallowed hard. "Cloud…I don't want to hear what we shouldn't or can't do. So don't even say it. I need to know…I need you to tell me…how you feel about me."

He stared at her, his face unreadable. "I don't know what you're asking."

"Yes, you do!" She squeezed his hands. "In the Northern Cave…you told me you loved me. Why did you do that? Was that just something you said because you thought it was your last night on the planet? Were you just trying to get laid one last time?"

Shocked by her crudeness, by the idea that she could even think of him that way, he finally reacted. He looked horrified. "No! No, of course not."

"Then what was that? What was it?"

He lowered his head. "It was the truth. Is the truth."

She pulled his chin up, forcing him to look at her. "Then why do you push me away, Cloud? Why won't you let me get close to you? Why can someone else get close to you when I can't?"

She realized it now - that was really at the heart of the problem. The intense physical attraction had always been there for her. She could ignore it as long as he didn't seem like he was capable of real affection, but then she'd seen him with Aria. And then Tifa knew it was just her he wasn't attracted to.

She looked down at her hands, rough and calloused. Her skin was thickened from fighting, in practice when not in battle. "I know I'm not all that…feminine…like Aria or Aerith, but…"

Cloud's eyes widened. That was what she thought? In his mind, she was perfect. In his dreams, sometimes Aerith spoke to him. She told him she was happy with Zack, and she wanted him to be happy too. Aria? She never even crossed his mind. How many times was that one stupid mistake going to bite him in the ass?

But his dreams about Tifa were often…well, something not discussed in polite company. Maybe it was better to let her think he wasn't attracted to her. She would never willingly move on if she knew how he really felt.

She saw that look creeping into his eyes. She saw the walls coming up, and she knew she was going to lose him again. Desperate to stop it, she grabbed his face and kissed him. She didn't want to give him the chance to think about it. She didn't want him to have time to change his mind. She just wanted him to feel her and how badly she needed him.

Caught completely by surprise, he didn't resist. He melted into her. He put his hand behind her head and pulled her toward him, every other thought banished from his mind. He moved forward on the chair, putting his knees around her, needing to be closer.

Surrounded by his essence, Tifa forgot what she was doing. There was nothing but Cloud, nothing but the feel of his mouth and his skin and his hands and…

No. She remembered. As badly as she wanted to keep going, they needed to talk. She pulled back and looked at him.

Cloud kept his eyes closed. "God. Tifa," he whispered.

She sat back on her heels. "Tell me why," she said softly.

He opened his eyes, looking dazed. "Why what?"

She couldn't help the flash of annoyance. She had wanted to distract him so he would forget about his damn walls, but not to forget their conversation completely. On the other hand, she could see from his eyes that he was entirely wide open. She wouldn't get another chance like this.

"Why won't you…" she brushed her fingers gently over his cheekbone and his eyelids fluttered. "…let us be anything more?"

His defenses were down. He knew it was time to tell her the truth, but he lowered his eyes, unable to look at her when he said it. "Because you deserve to be happy, Tifa, and you can't be, with me."

Tifa blinked. "Wha—"

"My head is just too fucked up and something always goes wrong." Cloud talked over her, determined to get this out, needing her to understand that he didn't want to hurt her. "I don't want to drag you down into this hell. I don't want you to have to always be taking care of me, and…" It was a bitter pill to swallow, but it had to be said. "I…want you to be with someone normal, who can give you a normal life, and it's…not me."

Because he was looking down, he had no idea it was coming until he felt the powerful smack on the back of his head. "Ow! What—" He looked up at Tifa and flinched a little at the anger on her face.

"You stupid, presumptuous, arrogant, controlling ass!" Pushing away from him, she stood up and put her hands on her hips, staring down at him. "What makes you think you have the right to decide what's good for me? Don't you think I should be allowed to make my own choices about what I want in my life? About who I want in my life?"

She started to pace the floor angrily. "I know exactly how fucked up your head is, Cloud, and I still want to be with you. Doesn't that mean anything? Doesn't it matter that I will never love anyone else the way I love you? Does that factor into the happiness you've decided I should have? Do you think I'm too stupid to understand—"

Her rant was abruptly ended as she ran into his solid form. Startled, she looked up at him, the anger draining out of her at the intensity in his glowing blue eyes that she'd never seen, or at least never recognized for what it was. "Tifa…"

She slumped and shook her head. "I know what I'm getting into. I know. Please don't try to protect me from my own choices."

Cloud lifted her chin, needing her to see the sincerity in his eyes. "You're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…"

Tifa reached up to push away the hair that was always blocking his beautiful eyes. She gently slid her arms around his neck.

He lowered his face to hers, waiting for her to stop him, but she had no intention of stopping. Her lips parted, pulling gently at his. He explored her mouth tenderly, cautiously. His tongue sought hers out, a complex dance of softly stroking, of give and take. She sighed softly and he pulled her closer, lost in the heat of her mouth. Tifa wound her fingers into his hair, her other hand gripping his arm desperately.

She tightened her hand into a fist, pulling his head back with his hair. Her mouth latched on to his neck, exploring it, tasting it, while her other hand slid down his arm to his hand. She grabbed onto it and moved it to the buttons on her shirt, impatient to feel his hands on her. She found a place on his neck that made him gasp, and he fumbled with the buttons as she teased it with her tongue.

Finally managing to free her from the shirt, he backed her up against the wall and brought her mouth back to his, exploring her soft skin with his fingers. Their mingled breath heated the air around them.

The noises she was making were sending shooting sensations down to his groin and her kissing was getting frantic. Every cell in his body reacted to the sound, to the feel of her. Every inch of him yearned to get closer.

She hadn't even touched him yet, but the sounds and reactions he was pulling from her were affecting Cloud in ways he had never even imagined. He tugged at the string of her pajama bottoms and she flexed her hips toward him, but he paused. He knew what she had been through, and he had to ask before it went any further.

He pulled Tifa's head to his shoulder and murmured in her ear. "Are you sure this is what you want?" He had really only meant to ask the question, but with his mouth so close to her ear, he couldn't help it. He sucked on her earlobe and tickled the inside of her ear with his tongue.

Tifa arched her back. Her nails sunk into the skin of his shoulder. "Cloud, if you stop right now, I will murder you in your sleep," she hissed.

A jolt shot through his body. He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. She tilted his head back to make sure she had his attention. "Just promise me one thing."

"Anything," he said hoarsely.

"I've waited for this for so long. Promise you'll make it last."

His eyes lit up and he grinned. Shinra had given him the stamina of a racehorse, and for the first time he wasn't even bitter about it. "I can do that."


"Cloud! Cloud! Tifa's not—" Marlene burst through Cloud's door, shouting. "Oh. Tifa? What are you doing in Cloud's room?"

Cloud looked back and forth between Marlene and Tifa, scrabbling for an excuse. Shit! I guess we weren't thinking about this last night.

"I…had a bad dream, Marlene," Tifa said calmly.

"OH." The little girl nodded in understanding. "When you have bad dreams, you crawl in Cloud's bed, just like I climb in yours?"

Tifa smiled. "Yes, exactly."

More pounding footsteps sounded in the hall. "Marlene! Did Cloud know—" Denzel skidded to a stop next to Marlene in the doorway. "Oh. She's here."

"Tifa had a bad dream," Marlene told him sagely.

"Oh. And why does Cloud have a black eye?"

Cloud grinned. It was a sight so rare that both the kids lit up. "Well, Tifa's kind of wild in bed."

Tifa kicked him under the covers.

"I mean, she rolls around a lot in her sleep."

"Oh…" Denzel trailed off. She must have slept better after she came in here. It had been a long time since he'd seen them both in such a good mood. "Hey Marlene, I bet we're old enough to make our own breakfast now. Wanna try?"

Marlene's eyes brightened. "Yeah! Let's go!"

As soon as the kids had closed the door and little footsteps bounded down the stairs, Cloud flopped back down, chuckling. "A bad dream…"

Tifa curled up to his side and rested her head on his chest, tracing lazy circles on his stomach. "Well I didn't want to lie…"

"Of course not. You never lie. But then again, there are things I don't know about you." He ran his fingers idly through her hair. "Before last night, I never knew you had such a sailor's mouth."

Tifa buried her face in the pillow. "Neither did I."

Cloud laughed softly. "So…how long do you think we have?"

"Hmm…I'd say about 20 minutes." She lifted her head and kissed him. She started to pull away, but he drew her back down.

He put his mouth next to her ear. "Tifa," he breathed. She felt a tingle all the way down to her toes. "I can be quick, too."


~The End ~

That's it! I finished my first fanfic. Please let me know what you think, if you liked it or didn't like it, or any fanfic rules or conventions I might have broken. I had fun writing it, but I still have a lot to learn and would love to hear from you all!