Note: Trigger Warning, this chapters contains content that may trigger traumatic memories for some people. This chapter and especially the next chapter contains disturbing themes. Specifically, sexual abuse. If that is upsetting for you, please feel free to skip the next two chapters.
I Know a Cold as Cold as It Gets
People fill the small apartment like sardines clustered into a can. The air feels heavy and musky with so many breathing bodies packed into such a small space. The countless lit joints and cigarette's passing around the room not helping the situation. Today is Honey's birthday. Her twelfth time turning thirty-five, Haley's mom would say with a slurred cackle before downing another jack and coke. As if she was still young and the life of the party, and not as washed up as the company she keeps.
Honey never did much for Haley's birthdays while she was growing up. Always claiming Piney hadn't sent the check, but from a young age Haley knew that was a lie, she knew where the money went. Piney was the one who'd made her birthdays special. Gemma would usually through her a party, but since most of the kids in weren't allowed to associate with SAMCRO, her parties usually consisted of club family and friends.
Haley resents her mom for her selfishness, a trait that wounded Haley so many times, but it was hard to pull away from her mom completely. Even after moving in with Piney, Honey always had a way of sinking her claws back into Haley. Always making her feel guilty for putting distance between them. Honey was the queen of manipulation, but she was still her mom.
Jax is Haley's date to the event, more like a bodyguard, but Haley prefers to see it as more mutually beneficial. Opie wouldn't do it, there was only so much he could take of Honey before he gets the urge to tell her what a shitty fucking mom she is. Haley knew she could go alone, but she felt more secure with Jax or Ope by her side. Not trusting her mother or the company she keeps.
Making an appearance for her mother's sake, knowing her mom will guilt trip her if she doesn't, Haley chooses to stay close to Jax and tries to keep a low profile. The last thing Haley wants to do is mingle with her mother's friend. Most of them were pathetic or gave her the creeps. Besides, Honey had a way of getting jealous whenever Haley took a piece of the spotlight.
Handing Jax a beer, Haley's golden brown eyes scan the waves of people crowded in her mother's apartment until one pair catches her eyes as he walks through the front door. With the sight of him her heart instantly begins to pound, and her lungs forget how to breathe.
Haley hasn't seen this man in ages, but in a small town like Charming it was only a matter of time before a familiar face resurfaces. Haley hadn't anticipated he'd be here today. The last person she wants to see, but Haley knows she shouldn't be surprised her mother has managed to forgive and forget. Honey is notorious for letting bygones be bygones, and giving second chances to losers who don't deserve it.
With the sight of him, Haley starts to feel like the walls are closing in on her, as if the already small room has become unbearably tight. Haley slips from Jax's side, rapidly disappearing down the hall to the bathroom. In desperate need of a moment alone with herself.
Locking the door behind her, Haley braces her weight against the sink. Panic racing up from deep within her, sweeping through her veins as her heart threatens to pound right out of her chest. Haley fights to keep it at bay, fights to steady her breath, and regain control. She isn't thirteen anymore, she refuses to give this asshole the power to do this to her, to leave her cowering in the bathroom, trembling like a leaf.
Gently Haley splashes her face with cold water. Her honey orbs finding her own reflection in the mirror as her face rises up from the sink. Haley finds herself getting lost in the image, slipping away in her mind. Going to places she'd rather forget, places she keeps locked away inside. She is stronger than this, stronger than him. Nobody gets to her anymore, let alone him.
He had once taken a piece of her, stolen her last remaining shred of innocence, but she'll be damned if he ever gets anything from her ever again. Haley can face this, face him, she tells herself. He has no power over her anymore. She desperately tries to convince herself against the racing doubt in her heart.
With a steady deep breath that blows out shuttered past her lips, Haley leaves the bathroom determined to be stronger than her fears. Her eyes trail the cheap shag carpet before her gaze steadily rises to find him standing at the end of the hall, as if he's waiting for her, blocking her only exit.
Haley freezes instantly, her feet dying mid-stride as her eyes barrel upon his image. Her heart practically beats out of her chest as Haley fights to keep her breathing under control. As she fights to stop her initial overwhelming panic from taking over.
As their eyes meet, a wide Cheshire grin spreads across his face as if they are some sort of long lost friends in the midst of a reunion. That grin summons an anger deep from within her belly, one that bears her strength, and keeps her fighting. He doesn't get to intimidate her, try to fuck with her head anymore. Guarding herself inside, chip firmly planted on her shoulder, Haley pushes forward.
"You've really grown up, Haley." She can hear his sickening breath take note as she's forced to move toward him, but staying close to the wall where she can create the most distance.
"Fuck off Hank," Spits off Haley's testy lips as she refuses to meet his gaze. When he refuses to budged on her approach, Haley slides past him in the little space he can't cover. Her back to him, Haley tries to pretend he isn't there as the closeness sends her heart pounding in her ears and every muscle in the body involuntarily tensing.
Just when Haley thinks she's home free, at the end of the hall, and stepping back into the sea of people making up the party, Haley feels it. Hank swiftly grabs her elbow to swing her back around toward him, while his other hand skims down the edge of her figure.
"You've really filled out." His disgusting husky breath notes with pleasure.
As if touched by fire, Haley's body responses on instinct alone. "Don't fucking touch me!" Haley screams, ripping from his grasp as if it burns.
Chest heaving from the feel his hands upon her once again, Haley rubs furiously at her arm as if to stop the infection of his touch from spreading. Haley feels lightheaded when his smell engulfs her nose and ignites a gagging feeling deep in her throat.
Mind spinning, Haley doesn't realize how loud she was until seconds later Jax is at her side. Pushing his way in between them as he places strong secure hands onto her shoulders, looking her over for injury.
"What the hell is going on over here?" Jax barks, his breath gritty and hot as accusing eyes barrel down on Hank.
Haley can feel Jax's concerned eyes find her as she gazes out at the party that has all but stopped. The music drones on in the background, but all movement ceases, all eyes on her.
Then Honey moves to the forefront, pushing her way through the crowd over to where they stand. For a fleeting second Haley thinks her mother will be there for her, defend her as she once had. But as Honey's glossy heated glare finds Haley, she realizes her mother is already too drunk to be anything, but jealous and spiteful.
"Jesus Haley! Where's the fire?" Her mother obnoxiously laughs, playing it off as if Haley is being irrational and dramatic.
"Always have to make such a big damn deal out of everything, don't you?!" Honey shouts mockingly, her eyes digging into her daughter as if she's the problem, ruining her good time.
"Honey," Jax starts in, the grumble of his voice warning her to watch her tongue.
Sharp eyes shoot to Jax as a pointed drunken finger flies. "Don't tell me how to talk to my daughter, Jackson." She snarls, the whiskey pungent on her breath.
There's a hatred brewing in her gaze as they shoot back to Haley.
"You just love to ruin a good thing, don't you? You always have. You love to suck people in, and then cause these little scenes, make yourself the victim. You might have Jax wrapped around your little finger, but I'm not buying it anymore, sweetheart." Honey spits out, the liquor and years of resentment spewing past her lips.
Honey loves her daughter, but part of her will always resent Haley for being an unwanted pregnancy and forcing Honey into single motherhood, a life she never wanted. Killing the life of freedom she had before her.
Her mother's words pierce past her breastbone straight into her heart. Stripping and ripping at Haley until she bleeds, because no matter how much distance she creates, Honey will always be her mom. The betrayal is suffocating, but then Haley's anger takes over for the sake of self-preservation. The fire inside of her ignites, the same fire that has kept her alive, and going all these years. How dare Honey make her feel like this was her fault?
Stepping free of Jax, Haley moves to her mother, fire blazing in her eyes. Her strength reignited.
"That's right mom. This is my fault. I cause these situations. I ask for it, they can't help themselves. That's what you really think of me, isn't it?" Haley seethes in her mother's face.
Watching Honey try to stand strong, but the look in eyes reveals she is faltering against the ugly truth of how wrong she really is.
"Isn't it!" Haley screams, daring her mom to break, daring her mom to admit the truth in front of everyone.
Honey holds her daughter's gaze, holding stubbornly strong. Refusing to waver, never speaking a word, and Haley's sees she won't. She'd rather hurt Haley than admit she was wrong. Snarling in disbelief, Haley shoves her way into the sea of people filling the cramped apartment. Pushing passed heavy drunken bodies until she reaches the door. Stepping out into the open, Haley finally finds her first gulp of fresh air. But just as the air reaches her lungs it freezes as a steady grip latches onto her arm.
Whipping her face around, ready for a fight, Haley comes face to face with Jax, right behind her. Their eyes lock as she lets out of a heavy sigh of relief. In all the drama she had forgotten he was there.
"Wanna tell me what just happened back there?" Jax questions her, his sterling baby blues searching hers for answers.
Haley's heart pains, she wants to tell him, lay it all out there, but she can't. It would only mean a death sentence for Hank and get Jax in trouble he doesn't need. Trouble she has to protect him from, because Haley has been protecting the ones she loves from this secret for a long time. And she'd rather carry it alone than hurt them with it. Raising her gaze skyward against the heaviness on her heart, Haley knows she doesn't want the truth to leave her lips anyway. Speaking it aloud would only make her memories real in a way she'd rather forget.
Slowly lowering her gaze, Haley finds Jax's waiting.
"I forgot my mom's a selfish bitch and that guy's just an asshole." She faintly whispered, begging him understand, and leave it alone, but in case he doesn't she pulls away from Jax's grip before he can press for more.
Moving away toward the parking lot, Haley only picking up the pace when she can hear Jax's heavy footed swagger moving behind her.
Haley tosses back her second shot of whiskey, letting the liquor burn a path down her throat. Letting out a smooth hissing breath as she lowers the glass back to the bar in front of her, Haley spots Opie take a seat on the stool next to her. Thankfully, he and Donna arrived shortly after she and Jax got back to the clubhouse. Haley can only imagine what Jax told him, but the way Ope takes a heavy seat tells her Jax didn't sugar coat it.
"Heard things didn't go so hot at your mom's…" Opie starts, a gentleness to his breath as his protective gaze watches over his baby sister carefully.
A big burly man who is nothing but a big hearted teddy bear underneath it all. Haley's family and home, the person who has always been there for her.
A smirk spreads wide across her face as Haley's gaze finds her big brother and the whiskey in her system begins to numb the pain.
"Yeah well, she's a bitch, so…" Haley sarcastically remarks.
A hearty chuckle escapes Opie's lips with his sister's blunt sense of humor. "No argument there."
God, he loves that girl and wishes he could spare her the pain of her parents, especially her mom. He had tried, from the day she was born, to watch out for her. But as the years drag on Opie finds one of the best way he can watch out for her is just to be there, and not let her down like Piney and Honey do so well.
Despite her best attempts to push it down, a heaviness fills Haley's heart and strangles up her throat.
"Fuck her," Haley whispers, knowing the pain is plain to see in her eyes, because she never can hide from her big brother.
She never can disguise her feelings, he just sees right through her.
The heartache swelling in Haley's glistening eyes breaks Opie's heart and makes him want to strangle Honey for putting it there. But instead of choosing to be angry, Opie wraps a strong arm around his sister's shoulders and pulls her gently to him.
"Fuck her," he agrees.
As day turns to night, Haley can barely feel her limbs against the buzzing in her veins. Opie and Donna had gone home hours ago to put the babies to bed. Leaving Haley with dangerous thoughts she just wants to shut away, lock back up in their hidden cage. Jax stays, keeps an eye on her as he watches the usual crowd funnel in for a party the clubhouse has every Saturday night.
He warns her to take it easy on the booze, but that only leads to Haley stealing shots when Jax gets dragged off the guys. Always something to keep the VP busy. Pounding another shot of whiskey, Haley's desperate to drown out the thoughts burning in her brain like she's numbed the feel of her body. Numb the memories she can't bear to relive, and the pain that throbs inside her betrayed heart. Betrayed by the very woman who was supposed to protect her from the world.
Her body grows antsy with all the feelings agitating inside her. Sending Haley's feet moving unsteadily across the room, the poison in her veins propelling each step. A little extra swing to her hips keeps her on her feet as Haley reaches the jukebox against the far wall, in the dimly lit corner of the clubhouse. Bracing her weight against the cool metal, with unfocused eyes Haley searches the song selection for just the right tune.
Punching down hard on the button with numb finger tips, Haley waits for the music to find her. Waits for it to wrap her up and take her away. As the hard base of Zepplin's "Whole lotta love" picks up, the rhythm floods through Haley's hears. She feels the music intertwine with her drunken body, and fuse into her tortured soul.
As the wicked vocals of Robert Plant seem to vibrate through Haley, her body takes on a life of their own. Seductively following the rhythm, she drops it low down the front of the jukebox, her hands firmly planted on the metal surface above. Before slowly, teasingly swaying back up. Haley can feel their eyes on her. Never one of the Sons, but tag-alongs looking for a good time.
The eyes of drunken hungry men who would love to take a bite out of her. Haley grew up in this life, watching cheap women beg to satisfy a leather back and feel important for just one night. Her mother's dirt-bag boyfriends do the same. Take her mom for everything she has before leaving her more used up then she was before, making Haley's life a living hell while they stayed. Men reign in this world, they make all the rules, but she refuses to play by that game.
Haley feels powerful in the moment as her body teases them to the music, because right now she's in control. And she'll gladly eat them alive, but they'll never get an ounce of her. She can make them feel anything she wants to, she controls them, but they can't take anything from her. Haley will die before she lets that happen ever again. That scared powerless little girl still lives inside her. The one whose mother never watched closely enough, the one Haley tries to drink and fuck away. But now that she's a woman, Haley realizes she has the power and they will never get an ounce of it again.
Gemma watches on with a silent assessing glare. Over the years Haley has become one of her own, like her own damn kid. That girl had a shitty start, but Haley is still Samco and that makes her family. And there isn't anything Gemma won't do for family. There is also something about the girl that reminds Gemma of herself once, lost and searching for an escape, but with age Gemma knows Haley can easily get in over her head if she isn't careful. That isn't something Gemma is going to let happen, not on her watch anyway.
Finding her son clustered at the clubhouse entrance hashing out matters with Bobby over a smoke, Gemma takes hold of his arm and his attention. As her Jax's baby blues find her gaze, Gemma's eyes silently drift to Haley across the crowed room.
She doesn't have to say a word for Jax to read the message loud and clear.
"Shit," He spits out on a low husky breath.
When he left her at the bar she was still nursing a coke, but Jax could see now Haley had more to drink than he realized. He could see now he shouldn't have left her alone.
"Shit is right," Gemma agrees. "Take her somewhere to sleep it off." She instructs, taking charge the way she does with everything else.
Jax meets his mother's gaze briefly, offering a nod of agreement. Tossing his cigarette out the open door before getting lost in the crowded party to reach Haley before someone else is stupid enough to try.
Haley feels lost in the moment as her body moves with the music. Heightening all her nerve endings. Bringing her body to life, making her crave the release of getting lost in someone's arms, and forget what it's like to be wanted for all the wrong reasons, forget what it's like to not be wanted at all.
Two strong hands take hold of her waist. From behind like this, it's a trigger that sends Haley reacting even before her mind has a chance to think. Haley flinches as her body whips around to see who has come up behind her. Her hands grabbing his arms, readying to shove off whoever dares to touch her.
"Hey, it's me." A rough voice quickly tries to calm her jumpy response. Spotting sterling blue eyes she'd know anywhere, Haley feels her body relax.
"Come on, sweetheart, I gotcha." Jax's hot husky breath sounds seducing this close as his strong hands wrap around her, taking a better hold of her.
Pulling Haley more tightly against him, Jax begins to move them to the back, away from the party.
Jax's grip holds Haley steady on her feet, keeps her moving as her drunken mind gets lost in his distinct scent of cigarette's, beer, and leather. Tonight has Haley feeling bolder, snuggled close against his strength and warmth. Maybe it's because Haley is drunk and desperately trying to run away from her own reality. Maybe it's because she's searching for an escape, a release, a hot body to lose herself in, and Jax is the hottest around. Whatever the reason, as Jax's strong hands hold Haley's body to his, the night feels ripe with possibilities.
They stumble their way into his private apartment at the clubhouse. His leg kicking the door shut behind them, Jax's arms stay securely wrapped around Haley's figure, keeping her on her feet.
"Almost there," He whispers, his hot breath licking her ear.
Jax's mundane words sound somehow sound sexy and inviting to Haley's drunken ears coming off his lips. Reaching his bed, Jax helps Haley find a spot on the mattress, before taking a seat on the edge.
Restless, Haley grips Jax's arms, pulling herself up to sit. Coming to stop when her face rests just inches away from his.
"Quite the show you put on out there." Jax teases, that sexy smirk of his finding his face and stealing the breath from her lips.
Haley stares mesmerized into his eyes, feeling her insides heat up with his closeness in a way she's never given into before. She has had a thing for Jax for years, it was impossible to not notice how handsome and charming he is, but tonight that charm feels irresistible and tangible between them. Biting her lower lip out of habit, in a way she's subconsciously learned drives men crazy, Haley finds herself giving into a burning that's begging to be released inside her.
"I was just getting started" She coyly grins before gripping his leather kutte, and pulling Jax into a fierce kiss.
Her hungry lips claiming his. Haley feels Jax give in as she passionately possessing his mouth, her tongue stroking the seam of his lips. Almost instantly, Haley feels the relief she's been searching for all night, and all logical reason gets tossed to wayside. Everything but touch disappears as Jax captures her lower lip into his mouth for a nibbled taste.
Haley grips his kutte tighter as Jax deepens the kiss, his skillful tongue slipping inside her mouth to stroke her own. A moan rolls up Haley's throat and into Jax's mouth as she lowers herself back onto the mattress, taking him with her.
Her head comes to rest against his pillows as Haley tangles her hands in Jax's long hair, losing herself to a moment that feels so right. The sweetest escape. The stubble around his mouth burns her delicate skin as his hand digs into her hair and Jax pushes her mouth harder against his own. The mounting pressure inside her sends Haley grinding her hips into him as Jax's body pushes deep into the bed.
This sweet surrender only lasts a few minutes, but it feels like a taste of ecstasy, feels deeper than anything Haley's ever felt with someone before. But Jax comes to his senses before they can take it any further, and abruptly breaks away. Pulling back from her, surprise is blinding in his baby blues as they barrel down upon Haley. They've just broken so many rules. This could become painfully tense between them if Jax didn't decide on a lighter note instead. A hearty chuckle escapes his lips in response.
"Easy there, darlin. Think the whiskey's gettin' the better of both of us." Jax drawls out with a mouthwatering smirk as he untangles himself from her and regains his seat on the edge of his bed.
Unwilling to overthink how badly he didn't want to stop. Knowing it was probably bad enough Opie's baby sister is a lot drunker than he is and he has Wendy waiting at home for him.
Haley still feels the desire burning in her chest, racing through her veins as she tries to find her breath.
"Didn't you hear, I'm irresistible? Men can't keep their hands off me." Haley's words tease him, but they're anything but innocent.
Wishing he'd come a little closer so she could show him just how irresistible she can be. Because now that's she's had a taste of him, Haley feels an intense desire to taste all of him, every inch. She knows that would be a terrible mistake, but the whiskey flooding her blood stream doesn't give a damn. But before Haley can do something stupid, her choice of words hits her like a hard smack across the face. And the truth of what she's been running from all night knocks the wind out of her.
She's heard those words before. Someone once told her those exact words. Once in a dark room someone used those words as an excuse to justify what they were about to do. In a memory she'd like to burn from her mind, a string of memories really, she wants to be scorch clean. Different faces, different words, but they're all saying the same thing. It's her that's making them do this, it's her fault, never theirs.
Those words become a part of Haley, a part of her identity, even as she tries to run from them, drink them away. They still find her in the dark, when she thinks she's escaped, when she's lost in someone's arms. They're still a part of her, because she's proving them right. Proving that she's irresistibly good for one thing and one thing alone.
Staring into Jax's eyes that watch her so carefully, he can almost sense the words in her mind as his eyes narrow with thought.
Too drunk to stop herself, to fight harder, and choking on a truth she feels like she suddenly can't bare the weight of, Haley lets it slip.
"They never could…" Haley can feel the warmth of tears surge in her eyes as her gaze unflinchingly holds Jax's, but a strong smile falsly lifts her lips.
Jax freezes with Haley's words as he gazes down upon her. The smile on her lips is deceiving against the tears glistening in her eyes. Jax feels the weight of her words, but it's the pain in her eyes that really gives her away. His heart begins to pound out of control and instantly Jax thinks he's going to be sick.
"What are you saying? What are you telling me?" His question dies hard, it's rhetorical anyway, because he doesn't really need to ask her to know. Somebody has fucked with Haley's head, and her body. Somebody has hurt her.
It all became so clear to Jax in that moment. The fight at her mom's, what Haley had said just before storming out. That asshole had fucked around with her at some point. And god only knows who else has too. Jax has always feared this, but growing up he had convinced himself he and Op had the situation under control, had Haley protected.
But ever since the night she showed up on his doorstep with a black eye, Jax has feared what she may have suffered without his knowledge. All the trouble she's been getting into the past couple years, it all makes sense now. In the back of his mind he knew this was a possibility, a possibility he didn't want to see, but hearing it now, changed everything.
Anger so fierce and deep it threatens to engulf his entire body, races up from deep in Jax's gut. Rising from the bed, Jax takes slow heavy steps over to his dresser, trying to wrap his brain around this. Being eaten alive by the thought of what has been done to Haley, what that guy fucking did to her. The explosion inside threatens to burn him alive, but instead Jax unleashes it.
"God Damnit!" He hollers.
Snatching up the lamp off his dresser in one hand, Jax sends it flying across the room. As ceramic makes contact with plaster it bursts apart, pieces flying everywhere in a loud vibrating crash.
Haley shoots up on Jax's bed, startled and drunk. He's angry and upset, she had known he would be. Angry this happened to her, angry at her for not telling him right away. Haley wants to take the words back, say she lied as her secret unfolds around her. A secret she's hidden for so long she's not sure now how to face it out in the open. Everyone knew her home life with her mom was sketchy at best, but no one knew about the men. Haley always made sure that stayed her dirty little secret.
Jax's rigid body slowly loosens up, but the tension still holds tight in his shoulders. He holds his eyes closed as if blocking out the world, as if it's taking every ounce of strength he has in this moment to hold himself together.
"Does Op know?" He questions Haley, his voice low and husky as if to say, he understands no one else should hear them.
Haley is silent for a moment, the weight of his question resting heavily upon her heart. A deep shuttered breath sputters past her lips before she answers.
"I couldn't tell him, and you can't either… It would break his heart." Her voice quietly breaks.
Begging Jax to respect her wishes, to protect Opie from a truth that would destroy him. Haley hates keeping secrets from Opie, hates the lies attached to it, but unlike other people who Haley keeps secrets from; Haley keeps secrets from Opie out of love, to protect him.
Jax's eyes dart to Haley, the pain shooting from her eyes, breaking on her breath, brings him back to reality. She needs him right now. Maybe more than she has ever before. What she doesn't need is his anger, his vengeance, and his grief. Pushing his rage down to somewhere he can retrieve at a better time, Jax goes to Haley.
Without a word he climbs into his bed beside her and pulls her flush against his chest. Wrapping strong safe arms around her that promises to always be there. That promises he still loves her, and that that nothing can change that. As Haley melts against him, Jax finds a heavy ragged breath slipping past his lips, his heart still feels unbearably heavy.
Authors Note: This chapter has been a long time coming for this story. I have worked harder on this chapter and the next one than I will on any other chapter. This chapter adds another layer to Haley and her mom's relationship. But also, it was vitally important to me that I came as close to truth and honest emotion as I could. What happened to Haley happens far too often and it was important to me to put a voice to that with Haley. I'm hoping I was able to capture it. I encourage you to leave a review and let me know what you think of this chapter. It was a journey to write and I would love to know your thoughts on such a tragic situation.
