Chapter 11: Drowning


CORRIN

The last days they spent in Izumo had been quiet and peaceful, and it wasn't like she was complaining, but Corrin was still unsure of the reasons why did Ryoma decide to stay for such an extended period of time. She could only do so much to piece her guesses together.

For two days Ryoma and Hinoka were absent from the Izumo castle, along with a significant but not alarming number of soldiers. Could it be that Izumo was in need for hoshidan forces for something that went beyond their capacity? Maybe Ryoma was bargaining to have Izumo's favor in this war? After all, they went through the trouble of avoiding Mokushu's territory, which was likely supporting Nohr during this war. Corrin couldn't say if her guesses were correct, and gathering all her observations and the casual eavesdropping, she still had no glint of how was the current progress of the war or the situation with the nohrian royals...

And she couldn't ask. Her initial attempts to make Ryoma tell her anything had been futile, and now she was afraid that pressing him on the matter would only turn him away from her. There was definitely something wrong with her if she had to feel divided between getting any information about her nohrian family and getting laid.

The night Ryoma returned to Izumo, he visited her cabin very late at night. He was very tired and she just allowed him to rest on her arm as she inhaled deeply his scent, casually touching herself as she tried to masturbate him. But he didn't respond, he was too tired, so he lazily kissed her face until he fell asleep, leaving her libido to suspense.

At the following dawn, he already vanished from her room when she woke up. The place next to her on the futon was still warm when she touched it. The ache of wanting still lingered over her and she couldn't help but to feel incredibly frustrated…

The rest of the day transitioned quietly, she visited Takumi and Sakura again and was able to speak to the youngest princess more freely, and Takumi, while he didn't contribute much to the conversation, he seemed to be more at peace with her presence.

They did mention that the reason why Ryoma decided to accompany Hinoka to their latest reconnaissance mission was to rid of a bandit problem around Izumo, but they also pointed out that it wasn't necessary for Ryoma to put himself in command of such missions, because Hinoka's lead was deemed sufficient. With that, Corrin assumed that Ryoma tried to look good in face of the Archduke Izana to gain a better favor from him. Was this what he was after? And he returned exhausted too…

Corrin couldn't help but to worry about his well-being. Their encounters were mostly unaffected by his outside activities and vice versa, but he'd sometimes make love to her as if his body was possessed by desperation, as if was a completely different man. She mildly wondered if she was the one breaking him.

At dusk, Corrin waited absent-mindedly over the entrance of her cabin, sighing in contemplation towards the gardens. Should she at least try to talk to him tonight about his health… that is, if he would listen.

When she walked around the cabin, she found Kagero sitting on one branch of the closest tree, her whole attention focused on the sketchbook and the swift movements of her hand with what seemed to be a piece of chalk. This was a rare sight, but it wasn't long until Kagero's sharp eye detected her stare.

Corrin waved at her awkwardly; surprisingly the ninja waved back after seconds of hesitation. Her guardian leaped from the branch a few seconds later, and walked close to the princess while holding a strange expression in her somber face. In a weird way, Corrin missed to be this close to Kagero again, since lately she and her partner have opted for watching Corrin from a greater distance, inevitably cutting most of their casual exchanges.

But today something was different.

"Did I interrupt you?"

"I was finishing anyway, besides, I wanted to talk to you."

"Really?"

"You asked me once about wanting to see my sketchbook… I thought that I'd at least show you my most recent piece, because I want your opinion", Kagero said, her voice was just as dry as the red chalk dust on her fingers, and then she carefully displayed her artwork for the princess to see.

Corrin arched her eyebrows. Her style was unique, alright, and detailed too. It was hard to describe with words, a vortex of red and black chalk, traces far more complicated figures than what meets the eye.

"Oh, Kagero, I… uh… I'm not sure if I'm qualified to criticize your art", Corrin whispered, nervous about hurting the artist's feelings. It was giving her chills. "But upon a closer look, I feel like it conveys very strong emotions. I'm very drawn to this black figure at the center of your piece."

"… From all the time I'm spending watching you, I knew I'd eventually end up drawing you."

She bit down her lip. "I see. And there's so much red everywhere. Am I supposed to be the figure that is being engulfed by all this red?"

"Yes."

"It feels as if it's meant to make me seem in peril. Do you feel like I am in peril?"

"You are. You've always been; the flames of hatred and the blood of friends and enemies alike, in a war like this, it should've drowned you long ago." Her words Corrin's blood freeze, and the ninja's face was unreadable as she carefully withdrew her sketchbook into her bag. "Yet, you still found somewhere else to drown yourself."

Her tone held a dire warning, Corrin realized.

"Kagero…"

"I beg of you to not confuse this with fondness or pity, milady, and I'm actually breaking a vow of discretion by talking to you about this but for the sake of both you and my master: You need to stop. You are both playing a very dangerous game."

She kept quiet after Kagero's words, Corrin like in vertigo for a few seconds as she tried to absorb the moment. It was obvious that Kagero would know of this given the nature of her job, but the severity of Corrin's sin was probably too profound to ignore, even for Kagero.

"… I'm sorry."

The apology could have been for Kagero, for being forced to keep such a dreadful secret, for making her break her vow, or for putting Ryoma in peril with their continuous affair, but the real reason why Corrin said this apology was because she wasn't ready to stop it anytime soon.

He said that he prepared something special for the night, and the walked together while her heart was sore with anticipation and guilt from her past confrontation with Ryoma's retainer.

She was surprised when he took her to a different route from his cabin, walking into a different spot of Izana's castle and in a private opening to a room facing the garden, she saw Hinoka, Sakura and Takumi waiting for them.

Nobody told her about this, and for a solid minute, she didn't know how to react.

All sat together for the first time around the same table, all her dear hoshidan siblings eating together with her for the first time in a lifetime; it was only this small dinner room at the corner of the castle's courtyard and them enjoying themselves. Seemingly, plenty of food was prepared for the occasion and no servants were within sight, so this was meant to be a very private occasion.

It took a few minutes before they completely warmed up to the ambient and started talking, Hinoka taking lead on most of the conversation, taking up subjects like her troublesome retainers or how good the food was. Corrin was a little overwhelmed by having all the hoshidan royals speaking at once, trying to make her feel like she belonged. Was this Ryoma's plan all along? Was he going to use this moment to talk about the truth?

He did seem to be trying to look relaxed, but he probably wasn't, as he constantly eyed back at Corrin and seemed to be at loss for words. If he planned to use this opportunity to tell his siblings the truth, he seemed to be changing his mind.

Or maybe he genuinely wanted her to spend some quality time with his family? At this point, she wasn't certain of what he wanted.

Well, since I'm already here, I might as well just try to enjoy the dinner.

When most of their plates have been emptied, the eldest brother picked himself up and bowed his head to the rest of his siblings.

"I'm afraid that I'll be the first one to leave, it was a pleasure to share this dinner with everyone. Make sure to go early to sleep, alright? Goodnight."

And he took his leave. It wasn't terribly sudden, but Corrin knew that he didn't need to leave so early. Even after he was gone, she tried to immerse herself back in the conversation with her sisters. Corrin was genuinely trying to have a good time, and it was almost working perfectly.

Hinoka was the second to leave, but not before affectionately touching Corrin's shoulder, saying how thankful she was for the time they spent together. For a while longer, Corrin sat between Sakura and Takumi as she heard them speak about their progress with Sakura's archery lessons or about some recent banter between her retainers. Corrin would speak only to make a casual remark on their sibling shenanigans.

They both seemed to talk to each other with more liberty than they did when Hinoka and Ryoma were around, possibly because they were both the younger siblings… And they seemed comfortable enough with her presence to act so relaxed.

The pleasantness of this situation stung her gradually, until she found the meaning of this breakthrough: This was what she's been missing out. This is what could have been hers from the start, if she chose to fight for Hoshido… No, even before that, if only she was never kidnapped by King Garon in the first place.

But just before her thoughts would indulge in that idea, Corrin stopped herself. In her heart, Elise, Leo, Camilla and Xander were irreplaceable, they were still the family she loved all her life; what kind of pain would have wrecked them if she ever chose to fight for Hoshido?

"Sister, a-are you alright? D-did I say something wrong?" Sakura sounded worried, and Corrin realized that her fist was tightly clenched on the fold of her dress. She relaxed her hold immediately.

"Oh no, I was just deep in thought, Sakura…"

Takumi tilted his head, wearing a keen look in his eyes. "… You're thinking about them, aren't you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean your other family."

She shifted uncomfortably on her knees. "Takumi, I'm sorry, but that's something—"

"Look, I'm not attacking you, I'm just asking." He hurriedly tried to correct his manners, in order to not appear aggressive. "You have homesickness written all over your face, and as much as it's not really my business, I cannot help but to think about it. I want to understand. I mean… didn't you grow up around those people? Didn't they take care of you?"

She had no reason to lie. "Yes… and I miss them terribly. It can't be helped, can it?"

"No, of course not. You haven't heard of them for a long time", he shook his shoulders, looking at her directly. "I haven't heard anything of them for a while, so, what they're currently doing, I know about as much as you do."

Maybe this was his way of saying 'I'd probably tell you if I knew'? Corrin doubted he was being completely honest, but this was as flexible he could get about the subject.

It was uncomfortable to talk about the war in such a calm moment like this. Their views would inevitably collide on such matters, and just brushing the surface was already putting an edge on the air.

Sakura raised her voice a little, her timid presence contrasted with her brother's. "Um, I'm sorry to intrude like this, but I wanted to ask you about Azura. How is she? I-I mean, I know that she has returned to Nohr, her home, b-but… I wish to know if she's fine."

Takumi placed his hand on his sister's shoulder, obviously worried about something. "Sakura… When did you—?"

"It's fine. I-I've known for a while." The little princess nodded, she seemed to contain her sadness very well. "It would have been tough for Azura to reside in Hoshido after what happened with Mother. At least… I've been hoping to know that at least she'd be safer in Nohr during the war."

"That's… not necessarily true. Don't you remember the stories she told us about the years she spent in Nohr?"

"She's safe. I'm sure that she's safe." Corrin replied finally, even if her throat felt dry upon remembering Azura, her fellow princess and friend. Did she even deserve to be called her 'friend' after abandoning her like that though? Corrin frowned and looked straight into the eyes of the siblings and tried to come clean. "This might not come off as a surprise, but she didn't embrace the idea of being back in Nohr right away, as she didn't shy away from telling me the truth of the treatment she endured at the nohrian court back then. For that, I wish I could tell you what was she thinking when she accepted to join our army after we rescued her from those rogues, although… it was clear that this decision burdened her as much as it did to me. From the little time that we spent together, she made it evident to me that she missed you all so much."

Takumi's jaw clenched lightly, Sakura's shoulders seemed to stiffen a little. "Then why did she decide to fight against Hoshido? Why didn't she return to us when she had the chance?"

She remembered the last time she saw Azura, back into that fateful day. She remembered vaguely the words that Azura exchanged with an enraged Ryoma. The fortitude of her resolve and the undecipherable mystery enhanced to her choice. Corrin realized that she never thought much about what went down between those two, never realized how much she didn't know yet of Azura.

"… Because there was something else that she needed to do. There was something in Nohr that only she could do, with or without me, and that's why she chose to stay", Corrin said, feeling the warmth abandoning her face.

"Do you know what it was?"

"I have no idea." Perhaps Azura only intended to follow her if she fulfilled a certain role? Along with the prophecy that originally brought her and the Yato blade together, combined with the words that the Rainbow Sage said to her before her imprisonment… Corrin escaped from her fate and with that, Azura had no choice but to continue where she left off, but how would she? Or did she have an agenda of her own? The thought troubled Corrin, but not as much as the remainder that she was the one who abandoned Azura at such a crucial time.

"Then… we truly know nothing of her", Takumi concluded, visibly annoyed.

"I just… wish I could talk to her again", Sakura sighed, wearing a restless look. "I want to see her again."

After she was done stretching her increasingly grim conversation with Sakura and Takumi, she took her leave and walked alone beneath the dim lamps of the castle's garden, too strangled in regretful thoughts to even notice anyone at the distance.

The whisper of the nightly winds and the cicadas' cries muffled the sound of her steps, but she suddenly heard the breath of someone nearby.

Ryoma was standing alone under the starry sky, it was probably his sigh what she heard. It was obvious that his face was looking up into the depths of the night, the moon's crescent smile didn't shine as brightly, and some clouds would get in the way, but it was a calming sight nonetheless… Ryoma was almost completely absorbed by its beauty, until Corrin approached him and he looked back at her briefly.

"Stargazing? I didn't know you had it in you", she noted calmly.

"I don't. Not usually anyways. It's become a new habit as of late."

"Why is that?"

"… I had a very good friend who told me once that the people who pass away are believed to become a star at the night's skies. Of course, it's just their local belief, but I found it extremely fascinating."

"I think it's a beautiful thought", Corrin replied.

"It is indeed …"

He had that tense melancholic look again; Ryoma was deep in thought, still looking up to the stars almost longingly.

"I wonder if she's looking down at me right now…", he muttered, she almost had to read his lips because his voice was too low.

"… Ryoma?"

"Don't mind me. You should go back to your cabin, I'll be here for a few more minutes before I busy myself."

She hesitated to leave him alone, could only imagine what was making Ryoma behave like this, but Corrin had her own share of thoughts to keep her up at night, and it could be that her own distress mirrored Ryoma's.

It didn't come up as a surprise when he entered her lodge later that night, but it was very late already. He didn't look as tired as last time, but the sense of affliction didn't leave him after all.

"I thought that you'd be busy."

"I won't be here for too long, if my presence burdens you."

"Not at all." Corrin walked up to him, her yukata was almost undone and was already slipping from her shoulders. Her hands reached to his face but resented the harsh feeling of the chin armor he still wore. "Remove your mask for me, won't you?"

And he did, but his eyes seemed lost from hers, even if she kissed his chin gently after being freed of the armor. It was as if sorrow had completely sunk into his spirit, and he was deeply wounded by it.

"There's something troubling you" she said, a very modest way of putting it.

"Is it so obvious without my mask?" he grimaced, touching her hands now without his gloves.

"If anything, it makes it easier to read you… but I've seen that expression before, Ryoma."

The prince sighed. "I never wanted my problems to seep through that mask, I want to bear my loads alone. As the future king of Hoshido, it's to be expected that I exhibit nothing but my best in front of my people."

"… You are afraid of showing weakness."

"And weakness I've become." His voice was coarse; she's never seen him this vulnerable. Anger, anxiety, self-hatred entwined with his words, his fingers tensed over her hands. "In the past few months I've been straying off from that noble path; I look at myself in the mirror and I can't stop feeling disgusted with the man I've become. Sometimes I don't know if I can live with all the reckless things that I've done."

"Don't say that!"

Tears threatened to escape from her eyes. But what could she do to prove him wrong? What say to ease his mind of this potent grief? Her heartbeats became erratic and she suddenly clung her arms around him, held him so tightly that she'd easily squeeze the life out of him. Despite this, her hands were shivering on his back.

"This war has turned us into different people, and we've done so many things wrong. But you know that I'm not different from you… This is why we're both here. This is why we need each other… Can't we at least take comfort on this? Can't we lick each other's wounds?"

Comfort was the only thing she could offer, because she was the cause of his misery, and he was the cause of hers. It wasn't supposed to be healthy or stable, but it was all they had to offer, and for all its worth, they could at least feel the weight of the world vanish momentarily.

Corrin quickly tried to take off the rest of his armor as they pressed into the center of her room in silence, and he suddenly pushed her down to her futon while unfastening his hakama.

They tried to do something different, an idea explored and discussed in past times, and while it was clear that he knew what he was doing and took his time, Corrin was aware that they rushed into this; not to say that she wasn't prepared thoroughly, but her body wouldn't open up completely to the first slow thrust as easily as her mind that craved for that forceful sensation.

She laid on her stomach and groaned, bothered by her body's reluctance to yield to this intrussion.

"Should I stop?" he whispered, his hand travelled down her damp back.

"No… No, I want you to keep going."

She swallowed and allowed the pressure rocking her aching body to sink completely as she forcefully repressed every other thought within the tides of pain and pleasure.

Breathe. Breathe. Just breathe.

Barely holding back her voice, she's never wanted to moan so loud in her life; her heartbeat was frantic and her whole body was so hot, she might've thought that she caught a fever. And he's never been so rough either, she almost felt fragile underneath his weight. Corrin had her heart drumming in her throat; it was like her body was being ravaged by a storm in the shape of a man. He could come inside her if he wanted, it wouldn't put her in danger… she already braced herself for that.

But all of sudden he stopped before she could reach the end of it. He simply froze in place and pulled back, much to her extreme discomfort.

Since she's been giving him her back, not once she saw the troubling regression he suffered, his turbid eyes were staring at her but somehow he didn't really seem to be in his mind. His shoulders couldn't stop shaking and his face was sickly pale. He was bent on his knees gasping for air, Corrin sat back in front of him and tried to touch him, but he didn't flinch; she could have sworn that he was sobbing, but upon inspecting his face from close, she realized that it wasn't so.

"Ryoma…? What's wrong?"

"I should have been there for her."

"Her? You mean—?"

"Scarlet." He lifted his face to look at Corrin in the eye, bearing immense grief in the way his brows furrowed. The name that he pronounced was her first time hearing it. "I promised to Scarlet that I'd free Cheve at her side, and I wasn't there for her. And now she's dead because of me. I should've been there to support her group. What kind of man I am? She'd still be alive if I… I…"

The words wouldn't come out. The princess could feel her heart breaking by hearing him like this.

Corrin heard about Cheve's violent fall, but never heard the name of Scarlet mentioned. Ryoma's defensiveness forced him to shut down all these feelings, and they have been building up within him for so long… It was possible that he didn't even speak of this pain with his family. He feared weakness so much that it's been destroying him from the inside.

And now, he was past his breaking point, trembling in front of her.

"… Did you love her?"

"I don't know, I don't know, she and I were just… no… it was more—" But he suddenly shut his mouth. However, it was too late, Corrin had heard enough.

Without thinking, her arms surrounded him and didn't dare to let him go, even if it was killing her inside. His head rested against her neck and allowed her to pull him into the futon again, because he'd collapse right there if she didn't.

She was exhausted too. She was confused, sore and on her breaking point too.

Yet, he needed her. He needed someone to lean onto.

"I know why you feel like you must conceal these things… but you're just a man." She whispered, passing her fingers along his sweaty scalp. "I'm worried about you. Why won't you rely on me? Please, don't forget about me."

And his arms embraced her even more tightly. It didn't feel like he'd let go anytime soon.


A/N: Admittedly, the characterization was a little weird this chapter. Sorry about that.