Messages kept coming in, even as he sat inside the motel room, brooding. He had ditched the porn for beer instead, deciding that was the better option. Then with cell out he checked his cell having a feeling what would be next.

From Anonymous; "There's always the internet, and I'm sure that there are plenty of professionals who would be willing to talk over the phone. It's not ideal, but it would get the job done. I had a therapist back in high school and we talked over the phone instead of meeting face to face plenty of times. Just give it some thought, okay? You're making me worried, I don't want anything bad to happen to you and I'm sure that your brother and the other two feel the same way."

He laughed at that, was there even therapists who dealt with hunters? Someone he could tell that he had been to hell and back, purgatory too? Talk with about his depression, abandonment issues, the apocalypse? Even how it all began when he found out the monsters under his bed were real, and an overbearing militaristic father? He loved his Dad, but the man was a hard ass.

Dean honestly doubted there was anyone who could help him, online or off. Would it even be worth it to find a hunter who had a degree in psychology, and was licensed to practice in therapy, and medicine? Or an ex hunter? Anyone really who could help with his fucked up head.

Shaking his head he typed out quickly, "I'll think about it. I'm trying at least, right? Made it this far. If anything if I get too bad tonight I might call someone I know. I don't have many friends but there's got to be someone out there who's willing to handle me while I drink myself into a stupor to keep from going off the deep end.

"I just…can't ask Benny or Sam right now."

He closes his eyes, sitting back as he tries to ignore the ache in his chest. He hated being alone, hated being away from Sam and Cas especially. It was like Sam was at Stanford while John hunted again, or being at Lisa's. The aching loneliness, though here he only had the distractions of porn he had lost interest in quickly.

His phone buzzes with a new email and he looks to it quickly with a small smile, from Anonymous it reads; "this is going to sound really silly, but have you ever tried listening to music to help you feel better? I have depression too, and though it doesn't cure it, it really helps sometimes. I would suggest Sleeping With Sirens or Suicide Silence- they can be really inspiring."

Adjusting his position on the couch he taps out a reply; "Yeah just…all my music is classic rock and in tape format. I don't have any mobile device to listen to music with. I usually just…hum Metallica when I'm stressed.

"I think my new cell counts as something I can use but I would have to somehow get the music, and then transfer it to my phone. And see if I have the room for the music."

It's when the message is posted that he remembers the mp3 player Sam had bought for him. The one Dean had been wary of because it meant new things and change. The one sitting in the trunk of his car because Dean couldn't accept that maybe he needed it. For a moment he considers grabbing it before deciding to not move from his spot, taking a drink from his beer as he played with his phone.

The next message that pops up is from an anonymous again and it makes him sigh a little too dramatically; "I get that you're trying, I really do. It's just, sometimes wanting to be better just isn't enough on its own, and I speak from personal experience. In this world, you've kinda gotta assume you're on your own with deciding your fate, and make your own miracles happen. It's not like you can just pray and hope God'll fix all your problems, no matter how much easier that would be. But you're not going to find the answers to your problems at the bottom of a bottle, no matter how hard you look."

Taking a deep breath he closes his eyes wishing he didn't have to hide everything, that he could just say 'I deal with monsters, I can't get your usual kind of help!' instead he feigns niceties.

"Woah there's two of you now.

"Yeah but sometimes that bottle keeps me from doing bad things. And for tonight at least, with all the fuck ups I've done I want to drown in my own sorrows since I already know I'm practically alone and clinging onto strings that are unraveling.

"I lost faith in God and humanity a long time ago. Learned no one was going to help me at an early age. Always been on my own. Probably how I ended up as messed as I am. But it means I'm just going to have to see if I can find someone willing to listen to my bullshit."

Pushing up from the couch he looks around, before giving up and falling back onto it again, staring once more at the ceiling in thought between drinks. The phone buzzing brings him out of his thoughts and he looks to it:

It's from Anonymous: "That just means you're popular. It kinda seems like people are just drawn to you, in a way, so obviously you're special. You're not alone, don't you get that? You're surrounded by people that you're determined to think don't care about you when you most likely couldn't be any more wrong. And honestly? Over the years I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not. What really matters is that you believe in yourself, even if that sounds corny."

He rolls his eyes at that, why would he be popular? He was no one. Especially on a blogging site dominated by teenagers. He contributed nothing to the site except his own wank about his life.

"Sadly I don't have much faith in myself. I actually hate myself, however overdone that sounds.

"But I'm going to try, that's a start at least. Talk with some people I know. Sam's not around, Benny's off, so I'm left calling Cas or a friend of Sam and I's. He might know someone I can go to for my head."

It's a lie and he knows it but if it placates them he's fine.

"Well, that's good news at least. I'm proud of you for taking that step, no matter how small it may seem. And I'm sorry it took me so long to reply! I've kind of been going through some things and it took up quite a bit of my time, but it's all taken care of. Anyway, I finally got around to making that account I mentioned once-upon-a-time ago! I made it on my phone, so I haven't really had time to do anything other than follow you so far. Like the name? It took me forever to choose." One of his little anons has a name to the 'face' now at least, alltheshadesofamber, hmm.

He gives the screen a small tug at the corner of his mouth, the barest hint of a smile.

"Sweet, nice to finally have a name to separate you from the rest, even if it's a username.

"Thinking about taking 'steps' once my current job is done. My job takes precedence over being happy right now honestly. S'why I just packed up and left instead of calling Cas…Or anyone else for that matter. Not going to go into details right now. Just that things are a little more messy than I like, but I'm not surprised honestly.

"It's a nice little name you got there. Amber's a nice color. Nice name too, though I don't know if you're a girl or not so I don't want to offend on accident."

With that done, he leaves his phone on the side, ringer on so he knows when Sam calls, time to get some sleep.


"So I'm a lying liar, I'll concede to that…I didn't call anyone. Not Cas, not anyone else I knew…I packed up and went to chase down Sam. We fought, I found some place to crash after him and I basically told each other we were going to go out separate ways…

"Then I woke up to Cas starin' at me. Sort of embarrassing when I have Busty Asian Beauties open on my laptop, and a beer bottle in hand. No, I didn't log into the site, I had closed the laptop before logging in to get a beer and fell asleep. Still embarrassing as fuck though.

"He didn't say anything, was probably judging me from behind, religious and all that…

"Didn't even get to pull one off. Doesn't matter, I hadn't been in the mood really."

It was more a summary of what happened the night before but he doesn't want to let them know that fact. That he had been weak. Even on the internet he has to keep this shield up to keep himself safe. In all truth he had actually talked with Sam, crashed, talked with people on his blog, and here he is with Cas giving him his patented confused look that is all Cas. Rolling his eyes he puts his phone away moving over to the angel who's watching him closely.

"So what's up?" He cocks a brow wanting to know just what's going on.

He should have known it would be something big to get Cas' ass to come back, ever since the war in heaven Cas hadn't paid them a luxury visit. 'I always come when you call' was a thing of the past. Even if he had been praying, knowing Cas could hear him, begging for him.

Last night he had prayed only once before falling asleep.

Here he was with the angel right before him explaining about Samandriel's problem. At least he was asking for help instead of running off into something that could get him killed. Again.

Before he goes to investigate he looks over his shoulder at the angel. "Just don't bring Sam into this. He wants out, so just - let him have it." Let him walk out and abandon me, is the unspoken words but Cas seems to understand by the way his brows furrow together.


"Cas had some work for me apparently. I went to deal with that with him. He brought Sam in, even after I told him multiple times that I didn't want him to. That Sam and I…were not really on talking terms. That Sam wanted out of the job and all that.

"I wanted to yell at him, I almost did, but Cas was desperate about finding his friend, so I didn't do much beyond glaring at Sam.

"He glared back naturally. Looking over Cas, and giving me this look that sums it all up nicely. It's weird how we've come to this. I raised the damn kid. Spent almost 32 years of my life on him.

"Now we can't be in the same room with out fighting."

It's just the two of them for a while, investigating things like bushes lighting on fire, and a man hearing a strange voice speaking in a foreign language. Cas surmises that the affects of an angel screaming could cause it so they know Samandriel is close and in pain at least.

From there they find the warehouse, then seek out Kevin and Cas leaves to get him what he needs for his bombs. A call from Benny who's going down hill has Dean on edge but he can't do much to help him in his current situation.

It's when Cas returns with Sam that sets Dean off.

They're already fighting and it's after some harsh words that they glaring at one another, Dean's eyes narrowed on his brother before he says to Cas, "I thought I told you we didn't need him." Cas' dramatic roll of his eyes, and how he throws his head back before looking over at Dean would almost make the hunter laugh if he wasn't in a bad mood.

"We need everything, Dean. I need both of you, as you say, to stow your crap. Can you do that for me?"

That's it, end of discussion, he wants to press the issue, tell Cas they should have left Sam with his girlfriend but they have bigger things to worry about than this. Than themselves.


When all is done at the warehouse the three of them are not all that sure they want to know what happened here, even though they have an idea. Crowley trying to get information out of Samandriel being the gist of it, what information he got they don't know.

What has Dean worried is how Castiel went from 'we must save him' to killing Samandriel. Something felt off but he didn't know what, or how to communicate just how off it felt. Frowning he looks from where Cas had been to his brother, hoping Castiel would be okay.

At least Samandriel wasn't in pain anymore.

From there they head to a motel and sit down with some drinks talking everything out. Dean can feel his hand shaking as he calls up Benny, telling him they can't talk anymore. If Sam can't have Amelia why should he have Benny? Makes sense right?

He tosses Sam a beer, sits down, and just stares at the TV hating himself a little more.

"It's all over. The job Cas had for Sam 'n I.

"He - Cas - is gone. Something is wrong with Cas and I don't know what to do, he won't answer when I call. Worse, I know something is up. He just went missing after we found his friend.

"Sam and I are back together. As dysfunctionally as we usually are.

"I…broke it off with Benny. I hate myself for it, I feel like I've torn myself up in two, but I couldn't handle being happy, knowing Sam gave up his girlfriend for a life on the road with me.

"I don't have time to be happy right now anyway. I have work to do. I can't just sit back and bask in it, in what I want and need, until it's all done.

"S'why I can't try and fix myself, and make it all better until my job is done. People are depending on me. Even if it destroys me."