A/N: So, we never really get an idea of what the female physical exams are like outside of them weighing them publicly. I'm going to assume they're a lot like the guys except that guys aren't allowed in to see girls with only their bras on, based on how Haruhi took off her shirt for her exam, which besides being private should have otherwise been the same.
Chapter Eleven
Dodo's March
The implications of the physical exam didn't hit Yumi until she was getting ready for bed that night. Not only were the exams divided by gender during the physical exam - that was the part that would expose Haruhi's secret - but there was a certain amount of the exam that was in front of people, which come to think of it would also expose Haruhi's secret. Yumi assumed that they were private enough that it would be just women and the doctors (she highly doubted these rich and protective parents would let their daughters be seen by men while just in their bras) but still the idea made her recoil.
Changing into her pajamas, Yumi's eyes trailed to the mirror which displayed the thing that she was the most embarrassed about. A very obvious and apparent scar that trailed around her hip bone up to her stomach. Back in Karuizawa her friends had teasingly called it her "failed seppuku scar". In reality, it was the result of her and her friends being idiots out in the woods and nearly getting themselves killed. They had learned the hard, and nearly disastrous, way not to ride in the bed-load's of trucks.
Time had healed the scar, somewhat, but it was still pink and puckered and would likely be that way for another year or so. Yumi had been self-conscious of the scar. She had worn bikinis after the accident without thinking twice. Granted that everyone who knew about the scar didn't make any judgements about Yumi when they saw it. Ouran would be different. Yumi didn't want anybody to ask about it. She didn't want anyone to know about it. She didn't want to explain how stupid she had been, that was in the past - where it belonged. All Yumi wanted was everything in her past to just stay there.
There just had to be a way to get a private exam.
The plan was simple, so simple that Yumi felt a little silly calling it a 'plan' even in the safety of her head. Yumi had figured it out while she was eating breakfast the following more. What she needed to do was talk to a teacher about the exam. They were certain to know if there was a way to get a private exam or not. Since Yumi couldn't exactly arrive early to her school since she worked during the morning, she would have to instead wait until lunch break to get one of the few teachers Yumi liked - and felt liked her - alone so that she could ask.
To say that the first half of the day passed slowly was a huge understatement. More than once Yumi found herself impatiently tapping her nails against her desk as she willed time to go faster. Time did not yield to her. Eventually, however, the lunch bell rang and the students filed out of the classroom. Yumi hung back. Chikaho Mutou, who taught 2-B history was still at her desk, packing away her lecture notes slowly. It took a couple of seconds for Yumi to act upon the opportunity she had been waiting for all day.
Tentatively, Yumi approached Chikaho.
"Mutou-sensei?"
Chikaho looked up at Yumi with a friendly smile that did little to mask her curiously. Yumi was not very talkative with Chikaho, no matter how much she liked her as a teacher. "Ah, Taka-san. Can I help you?"
"Hai..." Yumi scratched the back of her head, finding her nerves at talking to her teacher annoying and misplaced. "I don't really know who to ask about this... ano... the physical exams are coming up -" Chikaho nodded her head to indicate that Yumi should continue, "- and I understand that they're sort of public - at least to your gender..." Yumi bit her lip nervously, "Ano...Is there a way to get a private exam?"
Yumi glanced at Chikaho - at some point during her question, Yumi's eyes had moved away from Chikaho to the chalkboard. She hoped her teacher didn't think there was anything odd or suspicious about her request. To her relief, Chikaho looked more amused then concerned.
"Ah, a little modest, Yumi-chan?" Chikaho teased. Yumi flushed and didn't confirm or deny, letting Chikaho think was her reason for her question.
"A lot of students feel the same way - or their parents do. Plenty of families have their own doctors inspect their kids during the physical exam privately."
Yumi's face fell. She couldn't afford a private doctor, even for just one exam. One of the great things about Ouran was that the physical exam was included in the tuition, allowing Yumi to avoid seeing a doctor outside of Ouran and therefore avoiding that fee.
"But," Chikaho continued, "Not every family in here can afford such things, despite what you might think Taka-san," she teased and Yumi blushed. She did tend to assume everyone at Ouran was spoiled rotten, "You can have complimentary private exams. You can get a file to fill out for the service from the nurse. The wait is a little bit longer, but I imagine that won't be a problem."
Relief washed over Yumi and she offered her teacher a small but bright grin, "No, it won't be. Thank you, Mutou-sensei."
The two exchanged their goodbyes and Yumi beelined for the nurse's office.
And like that, Yumi's problem was dealt with and she was ready for whatever the rest of the day had to throw at her. Or at least that was what Yumi thought until she found out that Host Club had yet again requested her during her work hours. This time it was just for a flower delivery. Again, there was no appeal to be made to Hana. The Host Club had finally begun to pay their fees to the gardening department, thanks to Yumi, and Hana wasn't about to let that change just because Yumi liked the state of her sanity.
Speaking of sanity, it was at an all time low at the Host Club today. When Yumi arrived with the cart of ornamental flowers for the coffee tables, Tamaki was staring into space clearly day dreaming.
Mitsukuni ran over to great her with exuberance, but was at least mindful of Yumi's cart, since he didn't launch himself at her like a speeding bullet, "Hiya, Yu-chan!" He was emitting beams of good cheer - which Yumi's imagination supplied in the way of blinding sparkles.
"Hey, Haninozuka-senpai," Yumi returned his greeting, though more sedately, "Do you know what's up with Tamaki-san?"
Mitsukuni shrugged, "He must be having a great day-dream."
"With a weird face like that?" Yumi made her own face, and the twins walked over to join their conversation, "I'd rather not think about what he's thinking about."
Mitsukuni let out a burst of surprise laugher that sounded much less sweet than his usual laughter. Yumi internally congratulated herself on surprising Mitsukuni enough that he momentarily broke character. She made it a mental goal to try to do that more often.
"Yeah, he's kind of creeping me out," twin one agreed, slinging his arm around Yumi's shoulder. Yumi, who had resolved to figure out the difference between the twins, noted that this twin's voice was on the softer side.
"Envious, Hikaru?" Suddenly Tamaki was nose to nose with the four of them. Yumi reeled back, red roses exploding behind Tamaki in her mind's eye. Tamaki's fanciful daydreaming was apparently contagious.
"This is all part of my strategy," Tamaki pronounced, "While you have wasted time blinded by your jealousy, I have foreseen the outcome of this charade." The other host members, excluding Haruhi who appeared to be late, joined in to see what nonsense Tamaki was spewing this time.
"This anime is obviously a romantic school comedy!" Tamaki announced.
Yumi's fanciful side disagreed. If their life was something other than actual life then it was some sort of weird crack fanfiction. Yumi refused to believe that her life could have taken such a dramatic fall down the rabbit hole without the aid of some malevolent and ridiculous aid.
"Haruhi and I are the main characters," Tamaki continued, "So that means we're love interests."
"Yeah, then what are we?" The twins asked, seemingly stupefied by this turn of events.
"You boys are the homosexual supporting cast!" Tamaki announced pointing to them accusingly, "So please don't step across this line!"
Then, before Yumi could react, she was pulled over to 'Tamaki's' side" of the the room. He twirled her into a half dip that disoriented Yumi more than anything. "And Yumi-hime is apart of our token love triangle! I'm sorry to have to break your heart, Yumi-hime!"
Halfway through his dramatics, Tamaki dropped Yumi (though he seemed unaware that he done so). Yumi dropped to the ground, barely catching her fall with her hands.
"Wah! Don't break Yu-chan's heart!"
Yumi gave Tamaki an unamused look, "Not even in the worst crack fanfiction," she announced, huffing as she got to her feet. This was getting too silly, to even be amusing, especially with Tamaki announcing that she had feelings for him. "You aren't even sort of my type."
The twins broke in, saving Tamaki before Yumi could send Tamaki reeling to his sad corner.
"Boss, I don't think you get it."
"If word gets out that Haru-chan is really a girl then she won't be able to be in the Host Club anymore." Mitsukuni pointed out innocently, though Yumi was pretty sure there was a bit of a gleam in his eye.
Tamaki froze.
Yumi stared, "You honestly didn't put that together, baka?" She asked incredulous, not caring if she was being rude to her technical employer, "What, is there a lesbian population big enough to support an outed female host?"
"Plus, I bet if Haru-chan started wearing girl clothes she'd be even cuter than she is now!" Mitsukuni continued, making Yumi positive he was taking some sort of malicious glee out of pointing out Tamaki's foolishness. Yumi approved.
"She did dress as a regular girl when she was in middle school, right?" one of the twins mused. His voice was a bit deeper, so Yumi guess it was Koaru. "She must have been pretty popular with all the boys."
"Yeah," Kyoya agreed, for once joining in on the Tamaki torture. "According to my investigative report-" seriously Yumi couldn't understand how Kyoya hadn't been reported for stalking by now, "-someone would declare their undying love for her at least once a month."
"Seriously?" Yumi asked, though nobody was really paying her any attention. Haruhi was cute as a boy but not undying love once a month cute. Yumi couldn't imagine the difference as a girl was that great that Haruhi would be some sort of heart-breaking goddess of beauty. And honestly, Yumi was confused how the word hadn't gotten around that Haruhi wasn't interested in dating.
"Oh, I see," one of the twins began, clearly gearing up for the final punch, "So the boss wouldn't even be able to get close to her."
"But we'd be able to," the other twin- Koaru, Yumi figured - continued, "Because we're in class with her all day long."
"No way..." Tamaki let out a choked cry. Yumi wondered if the Host Club had managed to break their 'boss'.
"Hey, guys! Sorry I'm so late!"
Yumi winced. Haruhi had the worst timing.
Tamaki pounced on the crossdressing girl in an instant, grabbing Haruhi by the shoulders.
"Don't you worry about a thing, Haruhi!" Tamaki pronounced, "We're determined to keep your secret. No one will figure out you're a girl during tomorrow's physical exams. So please! Promise you'll stay our secret, little princess!"
Yumi was pretty sure Tamaki was inches from tears. She couldn't determine if he liked Haruhi that much or if he was that flamboyant. It really could go either way at this point.
Haruhi blinked at him before finally agreeing with a lackluster and confused, "Sure." Probably born out of wanting to escape more than anything. Yumi didn't blame her.
"You know what?" One of the twins said, "I think of all us would be a little peeved if we had to watch other guys flirt with her."
"Then that settles it!" The other twin agreed.
Yumi rolled her eyes. Apparently everyone in this club had a crush on her. Maybe Tamaki was right and Haruhi was the protagonist of this 'anime'. That peeved Yumi a bit. She shouldn't be the supporting character in her own life. Though that said, Yumi thought that she would make a pretty poor main character. Haruhi was a better choice in that regard.
After that, Yumi checked out. The whole club seemed to be coming up with an elaborate plot to protect Haruhi's identity when there was a very simple and straight forward solution that she had found for herself just that morning. Yumi shot Kyoya a look from over Mitsukuni's head. Kyoya apparently sensed her eyes because he actually looked up from his book. Meeting her eyes, Kyoya gave her a little smile that was honestly much more creepy than his obviously fake smile that he had during the Host Club hours. Kyoya definitely had a plan but was letting Tamaki tire himself out, which Yumi understood. Tamaki wanted to blow everything out of proportion. It was better to let him have his fun and stay out of the way of the real plan so he couldn't mess it up.
Yumi left the club to their pointless plotting while she got to setting up the room for host hours. Her plan to exclude herself from the nonsense didn't last long. The twins practically pounced on her a few minutes later.
"Yu-senpai! You have to motivate Haruhi!"
"Why would I do that?" She asked. She hadn't been paying attention but she could guess where things had went, "If Haruhi doesn't want to be a part of the club, I don't see what that has to do with me. It's not like I'm a club member."
"Do you think they'd accept me in the gardening department?" Haruhi asked.
Yumi shrugged, "Dunno. You'd have to ask Hana if she'd sponsor your debt. Hana handles that sort of money just from dealing with the Host Club though, it wouldn't be a lot to her. If you're any good in a garden or willing to learn, you might be able to convince her," Yumi informed her. Honestly, Haruhi was an ideal co-worker.
The twins let out choked cry, "Saboteur!" They pointed accusingly at Yumi, "You want to steal Yumi away from us!"
One of the twins pulled at Yumi's ponytail. She slapped his hand away.
"I didn't make the physical exam, you know," was Yumi's lackluster defense as she continued about her work.
Even without Yumi's aid - and in fact the opposite of aid, the Host Club managed to win over Haruhi with fancy tuna of all things. There went nice, quiet gardening work with Haruhi. Though that said, the Host Club would have probably just requested her more often then they already did just to get at Haruhi so maybe it was for the best.
A/N: Yeah, sorry about this dryish chapter. We drop a little bit into the world of straight up canon scenes here, which can be a boring read.
If you're curious about the name of the chapter, the 'Dodo's March' is a reference to futile actions taken. The Dodo has the animals walk around in a circle to dry off but as they walk the waves just come up the beach and gets them wet again but they continue to march without moving up the bank to escape the waves.
