here it is, as promised :) second chapter, thank you all for the great reviews! as always I own nothing Hope yoiu enjoy!


Chapter Eleven

Lead On

I heard three sets of heavy footsteps coming my way, I'd been out here for what felt like days, but was probably only an hour or two. I was numb with grief. I couldn't have moved even if I had wanted to. Memories of my mom and Phil kept assaulting me, pictures and videos playing in my head every time I closed my eyes. Words spoken, secrets kept, secrets hidden, lies told. Everything, love, regret, resentment it was all hitting me at the same time. But the biggest feeling to hit me was denial, I couldn't, didn't believe that two of the brightest sparks that I knew on the planet had suddenly vanished from it.

"Bella?" A tentative voice came from above me, soft and gentle, caring and warm. Three boot clad feet were stood in front of my face. I hadn't noticed there arrival and wondered how long they'd been stood there while I was thinking of Renee and Phil.

"Bella?" The voice asked again, a little more insistent this time, a note of worry encased in my name.

"Hi." I said, my throat raw from the crying, my word hoarse and sore.

"Bells, come back inside." Sam said, very gently but with a slightly firm edge to the command.

"M'ok." I said, glad that someone was taking charge, glad that someone was telling me what to do. If only he would tell me how to feel as well that would've been perfect. I got very shakily to my feet, my muscles sore from the hard floor, yet also feeling like jelly. An odd combination which added to the spinning of my head.

Big rough hands gripped the top of my arms softly and started forcing me to walk back towards the house. My eyes were burning with the pain of shedding so many tears, my vision blurry from the water clogging it that I was trying desperately to see through.

I wondered what would be happening with Renee and Phil's funerals? Who would be dealing with that? Would I be doing it? Or some friends? Had they made wills telling people what they wanted? My mother of two years ago wouldn't have been that forward planning, but Phil was responsible and level headed, perhaps he'd have thought this through?

We walked back to the house in silence. Well we might have done, the guys might have been talking but I was out of it. Numb with shock and grief. They might have put on clown costumes and been reciting my last rights and I wouldn't have noticed. But I thought that we did walk in silence.

When we got back to the house I was pushed gently back into the sofa and a glass of something was pushed into my hand. I took it and drank. It burnt, it made me feel something, it hurt me but I was feeling something through the grief, I thought that was probably a good thing even if it was only physical pain.

"Brandy, it's good for the shock. We'll keep 'um coming." Bobby growled from in front of me. I looked up and around me, taking in something that wasn't in my head for a minute. Sam sat one side of me, looking worried and concerned, he looked as though he might cry for me at any second. Dean was to the other side of me, he also looked close to tears but there was slight anger in his features as well as remorse and concern. Bobby had pulled his chair directly in front of me, he was watching me with a hawks eye, his face older and sympathetic. His features showed that he'd known the pain that I felt and hated that I was going through it. All the men seemed to be empathetic towards me. Maybe this was what was meant when they'd said that I'd have to watch people I loved die.

"What can I do?" I asked after a while of sitting and drinking the painful brandy that tasted awful and smelt worse.

"You can carry on drinking that for the minute." Dean said, no hint of sarcasm in his voice, he was serious. But I'd been gripped with the overwhelming urge to do something, to be helpful, to be on the go. To help. But I didn't know how, I didn't know what I could do. I didn't know what there was to do.

"After that, what can I do? What do I do? There must be something?" I asked, my voice still hoarse and quite.

"We can go and see them if you want? Tomorrow?" Sam said in a low voice.

I nodded. "I'd like that." I said, tears forming and shedding again. Deans hand reached out and took mine, giving it a small squeeze as he did. It gave me a tiny bit of comfort, something solid in a world that seemed more nightmare than reality right now.

"What did your mom do Bella?" Bobby asked me, sounding like he really wanted to hear it.

"She was a kindergarden teacher. She always joked about how it suited her perfectly because they were on the same level as her." I told the older man with a slight smile, the tears still flowing.

"What was she like?" Dean asked me, also sounding interested in the answer.

And so it continued long into the night. I spoke about my mom and Phil, told the hunters stories which made them laugh and me smile with remembered fondness. They kept asking me questions, always sounding like they were eager to know the answers. They kept me going that night when all I felt like doing was curling up in a ball and just giving up.

At some point I fell asleep, a deep sleep where videos of my mum ran round my head and made me feel safe, warm and happy.

I woke with a gnawing pit in my stomach that I couldn't quite place for a few minutes. For a few blissful minutes I was oblivious, I was just camped out on the sofa, laid across both Dean and Sam who were both sleeping soundly. I was happy, I was contented, warm and safe.

Then I remembered. I remembered why I had a hole in my heart and lead in my stomach. Why my face was puffy and my eyes sore, why my throat was rough and scratchy. Two of my family had gone from the world. As soon as I remembered the tears started flowing again. The knowledge like a punch to the gut. Remembering felt almost as bad as finding out all over again.

A hand stroked my hair, another wrapping around my shoulders and a soft whisper caressed me as it sounded out. "Ssshhh... Its ok. It'll all be ok." It wasn't ok though. It would never be ok again. I needed to find out why this had happened, needed to know what had done this. And I needed to end whatever it was that had caused this. Needed to kill it with my own hands.

I'd never killed anything. Ever. But as a white hot anger gripped me, anger for my mother, for my step father, I wanted to kill. I wanted kill whatever supernatural being had done this. I wanted revenge and I wanted to do it myself. As rage gripped me my tears dried up and the hands which had been comforting stilled their efforts.

I sat up, brushing the tears off my face and the hair out of my eyes. "How you doing B?" Dean asked me, his eyes racking me wearily, his voice still soft and comforting.

"I just wanna get there. See for myself." I muttered, my throat thick with the aftermath of the tears and my voice still hoarse from crying and sobbing.

"We'll go soon." Dean said with a nod. Still looking at me, for what I didn't know.

~0~

We'd been on the road for over a full day now and the guys were trying really hard. But that was the thing, I didn't want them to try, I wanted them to be their normal, sometimes annoying, selves with me.

Dean was talking in a voice that sounded like I was on my deathbed everytime he spoke to me. He kept reassuring me that everything would be ok, that things would get better and all those other clichés. Sam kept looking at me with sad puppy dog eyes and inquiring as to how I was. Every mile or so. Bobby was ringing the guys on the hour every hour asking how I was holding up and wanting to talk to me. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful, more than grateful but the whole act was starting to grate on me big time.

"If people keep asking me if I'm ok I'm gonna start throwing punches!" I bit out after Bobby's twelfth phone call. "No, I'm not ok. But I'm dealing, I appreciate you guys caring. But the whole look after Bella thing is creeping me out. Can't we just be us?" Sam had turned in his seat to look at me with raised eyebrows but Dean was studying me shrewdly through the rear view mirror.

"Fine B." Dean said with a small smile as he looked at me, going straight back to looking at the road and turning up the music.

"We're just worried about you Bells." Sam told me, the tiniest bit of hurt coming through in his voice.

"I know and I appreciate it, I do. But everytime you speak its in low mournful voices. It just reminds me that someone's died. Everytime you ask me if I'm ok, all I can think is no. I need you guys to be normal with me. You're freaking me out slightly, not one of you's been mean to me in over twenty four hours. And I don't like it." I said, letting a smile into my voice as I joked at the end of my little monologue.

"Sorry, we'll go back to being asses to you then!" Sam said with a smile, catching on.

After my little outburst the rest of the drive was more bearable. We sang along to songs, stopped for food, but mostly we just drove in silence. Which was much more preferable than being taken care of in an almost patronising fashion.

Eventually the scenery started getting familiar. Long desert roads stretched in front of us. Cacti that I recognised popped up and as the city grew ever nearer I sat up straighter in the back seat.

The city streets started flying past, tall structures and familiar buildings hemming us in after the sparse landscape we'd been travelling for the past few hours.

"I hate cities." Dean muttered as the traffic started thickening and he had to loosen up on the gas peddle.

"I love the city, and I love this heat!" I said with a wistful smile, pulling off my long sleeve shirt as I did.

"Yeah the heat thing I could live with." Dean replied with a wolfish smile through the back mirror that for some reason had me blushing.

"Left here." I said as we passed one of the tributary roads that lead to the street where I'd grown up. A knot started forming in the pit of my stomach and I felt slightly light headed. Dean and Sam exchanged glances before Dean turned the music off and looked through the rear view mirror at me.

"You sure about this B? I can turn around." He asked me in a soft but gruff voice after clearing his throat.

"Yes. I'm sure." I answered my words sounding loud in the now almost silent car.

"Ok then." Dean said as he pulled into the street where I'd lived for sixteen years of my life. Memories assaulted me as they had the last time I'd been here. Memories so strong that as we stopped outside the house I was surprised and saddened when I didn't see my mom under the apple tree in the front yard laughing and smiling to see me coming home, waiting to hear about the newest scrape I'd gotten myself into. Waiting to tell me about her newest hair brained scheme. Instead the front yard was empty, sad looking and lonely. A pit opened up in my stomach, the knot that had formed the only thing that was stopping me from falling head first into the pit.

I sat just looking at the modest house that was so familiar yet changed by time. The exterior was no longer a bright cheerful yellow but a subtle magnolia, where once was a border filled with half decaying plants was now a flourishing flower bed. Phil's influence on the house was obviously as positive as it had been on my mom.

I got out of the car and walked to the front door in a daze. This couldn't be right. It looked so ordinary, so normal. This couldn't be where Phil and Renee had been murdered. Someone must have got that bit wrong. Maybe they'd got it all wrong? But from the pit in my stomach, from that bleak empty feeling, I knew deep down that it was true. They weren't with us anymore.

Dean and Sam stood either side of me as I took out my key with a shaking hand. As I fit the key in the lock I turned to face them. "I want to go in alone." I said in a much calmer voice then I thought I could have managed.

"Bells do you think that's such a good idea?" Sam asked me in his calm, soft voice, his eyes widening into this puppy dog expression that almost had me agreeing with him.

"Probably not, no. But I need a few minutes. Please." I requested, it didn't feel right to have these guys going through stuff and looking for whatever before I'd had a chance to say goodbye to the place I'd grown up. To see for my own eyes that this had happened here.

"You got seven minutes, then we're right behind you sweetheart. Shout us if..." Dean trailed off apparently not able to find the right words, but I knew what he meant. I gave him a wan smile as a thank you before unlocking the door and stepping through. Closing the door behind me as I did.

It was silent inside, the hallway empty and noiseless, not even a ticking of a clock sounded out. Just my own laboured breathing echoed back at me.

I walked through the hallway into the family room, my footsteps sounding too loud and clumsy, my heart beating fiercely.

The family room was the first sign that something terrible had happened here. As I entered it the hairs on the back of my neck lifted away from my skin, a shiver of foreboding and a wave of nausea passed over me.

There was a faded bloodstain on the soft beige carpet in the center of the room. Someone had obviously tried to clean it up to no avail. It was the size of a dustbin lid and I was surprised and sickened to see that someone could still be alive after losing that much blood. But they had still been alive, as the blood trailed off from the room and into the far end of the hallway where the stairs were situated. A grim bread crumb trail for me to follow.

I followed the path as quietly as I could, the empty house making every footstep sound like a cannon blast and every breath like a seventy mile an hour gust of wind. The house seemed to close in on me as I walked up the stairs quietly and cautiously. I had this horrible, ominous feeling with every step I took. As though something would jump out of the dark shadows that lined the upper corridor and try to recreate the atrocity that had happened here.

Bile rose in my throat as I reached the top set of stairs and saw a bloody hand print smeared across the wall. No-one had even tried to clean it off. The hand print was a similar size to mine. My mothers bloody hand print. She had run up here, scared, probably terrified, from an unknown attacker. Perhaps looking for Phil, perhaps looking for safety, for somewhere to hide. I was seeing my mothers last few moments through her dried blood. I swallowed the bile and stopped for a second, undecided as to whether I could carry on or not.

I took a deep breath and pushed on, knowing that in the dead of the night I'd regret not carrying on if I didn't. Also knowing that these images would be permernantly seared into my brain for the rest of my life. I needed to know though, I owed it to my mother to know.

I treaded the same path my mother had, seeing where it was going, my heart in my throat and a dry sob choking me. Sure enough the gruesome trail led me into my old room. The room I'd had since I was one. The door was closed, a sticky red residue on the doorknob which had the bile burning my throat as I touched it.

I swung the door open and let out a small unbelieveing gasp. Every new thing that I saw had me losing what little strength that I had left. Eventually I sank to the floor just inside my bedroom door.

Minutes later and two steps of footsteps followed by hushed, deep voices echoed from the downstairs. It didn't take them long to follow the path that I had, the one that led them directly to me. And the horror waiting.

"Jesus!"

"Son of a bitch!"

The guys stood looking at the room which I couldn't take my eyes off for a moment before entering. They carefully studied the room, taking in the things that I already had, my recent training telling me things I could've gone a life time without knowing.

"Somethings wrong here." Sam muttered to Dean after a minute, his voice travelling clearly through the otherwise silent room.

"Dude, yeah, I got that." Dean answered in distaste, his eyes briefly glancing at me, empathy clearly in them.

"No Dean I mean if this was demons..." Sam started saying.

"Then where's the sulphur and why did they tear my mom apart limb by limb?" I asked, already coming to the conclusion that he had minutes before that. I wished with everything I had I hadn't asked them to train me, that I hadn't known what I knew because of that. I wished that I hadn't started to evaluate the room as a crime scene, hadn't started to look at the blood splatters to see exactly how my mother had been killed.

"C'mon sweetheart." Dean said stepping towards me and offering me a hand. I took it gratefully, glad of even a little bit of comfort right now.

Dean led me by the hand back downstairs and out of the house to the Impala. Sam followed us, none of us saying a word.

Just before we hit the Impala I turned around and threw up the meagre contents of my stomach onto the neatly manicured lawn. Dean was behind me in an instant holding my hair back and rubbing my tense shoulders. A kindness I wouldn't have expected from the man.

I straitened up after a minute or two, my stomach now emptied of all of its contents. My cheeks flamed and I stared at the ground, embarrassed at my lack of self control. At the fact that I'd made myself look so weak in front of them. I'd seen my first body, not even body, just blood splatters and instead of being strong, of showing that I could be an asset, that I was going to be good at this, instead of that, here I was hurling my cookies onto the floor.

"Here Bells." Sam called, I turned just in time to catch a bottle of water and a pack of mints, blushing even more furiously as I did. "Happens to us all the time." Sam said with a nod towards my shame on the floor. The fact that he had the water and mints to hand, and the complete understanding in his voice led me to believe that Sam was telling me the truth. And if they threw up on a regular basis, or even semi regular, if they saw things that made that a reflex, then how the hell was I going to cope with this?

"C'mon let's get a motel and some food. Trust me you'll feel better after something greasy, a beer or two and some sleep." Dean said with hand in the small of my back and a gentle smile on his handsome face.

"Not everyone's you Dean!" Sam said in a harsh voice looking at his brother with annoyance. "Bella might want to talk about things."

"Erm... Thanks and everything, but I really don't. Not yet anyway." I managed to mutter out. No way did I want to talk about what was going on in my head right now.

Dean gave Sam a smug smile before leading me to the car once more. Just before we got in he turned to face me, a serious expression on his face. "We are here if you need anything B." He started sincerely. "But if you toss your cookies in my car you'll be in here cleaning it till she looks brand new." He added, his expression and tone telling me that he probably wasn't joking.

A smile rose to my face briefly, I couldn't help it. I rolled my eyes and climbed into the car drinking my water down before popping a couple of mints. Trying to ignore the feeling that I had in my stomach; mostly grief, anger and a deep sadness, but something like hope in there too.

~0~

I woke to the sound of something fairly unusual. Sam and Dean were arguing in hushed voices. Sure the brothers argued, but normally in a playful way, neither really caring about the outcome of the argument and both of them almost always smiling while they did it. But this was different. They were actually arguing, I had a feeling that if I wasn't asleep or in the room then they would have been shouting at each other. Their whispers were harsh and I could tell by the way their voices filtered over to me that they weren't stood very far apart from each other. I shut my eyes again and tried to go back to sleep, wanting to give them a bit of privacy. That is until I heard my name anyway.

"We've got to tell Bella the truth Dean."

"No we haven't. You don't think she's been through enough already? You want to lump this on her too, how d'ya think she'll take it? You think that's something she can just talk about, open up about and she'll be all good?" Deans words were harsh, his voice rising slightly.

"Bells isn't as weak as you think she is Dean. She'll cope." Sam said back, sounding like he was trying to calm down slightly.

"I don't think she's weak dude. I think she's got enough to be dealing with."

Sam interrupted Dean. "Man, she will be safer if she knows. She'll be on the look out." He sounded like he was almost pleading with his older brother.

"She's safe anyway. We're looking after her."

"And what about when we can't look after her? What about when we eventually find Charlie?" Sam said.

"Then Charlie can look after her, B will still be safe and she won't have any more shit to deal with. She's safe and happy, our jobs are done." Dean sounded insistent, if I were Sam I'd just back down cause it was obvious Dean wasn't going to.

"Whatever dude, I'm going to get some coffee." Sam gave in, his voice frustrated and angry.

I feigned sleep again after I heard the soft click of the door, my mind whirling. What were they keeping from me? What was it about? Did Dean really just think of me as a job? Did Sam?

I couldn't help the flow of tears that came steadily running out of my eyes. Despite what I'd been thinking the last few days I was alone. All alone. My dad had done a bunk, I had no friends, my mom was dead. I was alone in the world, and not even my world anymore but some freaky supernatural world. I was drowning here. And there was no-one that could save me this time.

I felt a weight settle next to me on the bed and kept my eyes tightly closed, the tears would give me away but I didn't care. I was one step away from saying fuck it and just giving in. My life had crashed down around my ears and I didn't know what to do. This is not the way it was suppose to be. Not at nineteen. Maybe I should have listened to Sam or Dean when they told me I should go to school and live a normal life. I'd be dead in weeks, but did that really matter? I mean what was I living for now anyway? Revenge? That wouldn't end well, I knew that, and the red mist of anger that had gripped me yesterday was now just a low flame. What could I really do about it?

"I know I'm not good with the whole chick flick moments like Samantha there, but if you wanna talk about your mom or something then I'll listen." Dean told me from next to me on the bed. His words, while sounding heart felt, were an act, I knew that now. Knew I was just another job to him. Someone to keep safe until he could pawn me off on someone else who didn't want me.

"I'm alone now. That's the terrifying thing you know." I said after a few minutes of silence. I turned to face the hunter.

"You're not alone B. You've got Sammy and you've got... You've got me." Dean said, looking deeply into my eyes, trying to convey something with his brown, green eyes that I just wasn't getting.

"No I haven't. I'm alone. You and Sam, I'm a job to you, as soon as we find Charlie, who by the way left me to deal with all this on my own, you'll leave. I don't have any one. Not really." I said while sitting up. Finally giving into my misery.

"You're not just a job to me Bella. I wish to god you were but you're not." Dean said his voice almost angry his eyes never leaving mine. My heart leapt more in surprise than hope. I knew this was just another act. I'd heard him, I knew I was just another job to him. I'd heard him say it.

"Dean I'm just another person who's got themselves in too deep and you have to watch out for. Don't worry I get it, but do me a favour ok, don't pretend that you care more than you do. Don't make out that we're best friends when you obviously don't give a damn." That had been what had hurt me most. I'd thought, I really had thought, that Dean was one of the best friends I'd ever had. A bit bi-polar, but still.

"Bella! For gods sake!" Dean shouted getting angry. "Don't you see?"

"See what!?" I asked shouting as well, I wasn't entirely sure why though. All I knew was I wanted something from him that I knew he couldn't give. I wanted him to be my friend, I wanted him to tell me he'd be there for me. That he wouldn't leave me. That I'd never be alone again. But he wouldn't, he couldn't.

"See this!" Dean shouted before grabbing my face in both of his hands and bringing his lips down to mine.


well... there it was - well kind of anyway! what did you all think? good, bad, let me know please! :) i'm going to try and get another two chapters out on sunday! Reviews make me write faster though! :) love always tametiger x