A/N: Ok, I think I finally got everything figured out. I WILL be writing the visit with Peter and Charlotte, that little extra chapter is coming immediately after this one. I want to toss in a little disclaimer though, I already wrote everything else WITHOUT the next chapter, so although I'm going to try to make it fit into my story to the best of my ability, it might not be perfect. PLEASE don't let it change your opinion of the story. Anyway, I'm going to try to get that chapter out later today (yay! two chapters in one day! woohoo! we love the weekend!) so be patient, read, review, and check out the playlist on my profile! Thanks everyone!!!!!

Chapter 11

Running

The long anticipated spring finally arrived in Hardgrave, bringing with it days that didn't fall to below freezing temperatures, an almost constant fall of rain, and flowers that poked through the rain soaked ground. My fellow classmates took the opportunity to flaunt the latest spring fashions, showing off their salon tanned legs in baby doll dresses and flip-flops rather than skinny jeans and Ugg boots. However, despite the warming weather, I was still stuck in a permanent winter. Especially with Sean McNally around.

With a cold arm always around my shoulder, and cold lips so often pressed against my cheek, spring seemed like a distant and almost laughable concept. When everyone was bouncing around in their light and dainty fashions, I was still wearing baggy sweatshirts and long jeans. I had to wear long sleeves to hide the bruises that constantly covered my arms. I wasn't in any pain though; I still couldn't feel anything.

Can being frozen become a way of life? Of course it can. If you're a vampire, that's how you live; In almost every sense of the word, I was a vampire, minus the blood part. I felt no warmth, and I stayed out of the sunlight when it did shine down on Hardgrave. I was frozen in time, exactly the same as I had been the day Sean first today me what he was. I didn't eat unless I had to, and when I did I couldn't taste food. My eye sight was improved; I saw every jealous glare and every confused look that passed me. My hearing was better too; I heard every whispered rumor about me, and about the McNallys. I joined the spring track team so I could run everyday, finally enjoying the thrill of speed, no longer anchored by the pain that I should have felt pulsing through my legs. I had stopped sleeping as much as I could as one dream kept haunting me every night.

It was the same dream I had the first day the McNallys had moved to Hardgrave. I was always running, which didn't seem so odd, now that I ran every day, and I knew I was running from Sean. It was strange that he never caught up to me because I knew that he could move faster than most motor vehicles, but I ran nevertheless through all the unfamiliar terrains.

The thing that bothered me the most about the dream was that I shouldn't be running from Sean. I felt the guilt of this desire, even in my unconsciousness. Sean was the most perfect boyfriend any girl could have ever wished for. He loved me unconditionally. He told me so every day. He did everything he could think of to make me happy, from walking me to class, to buying me unexpected gifts, to spending every second of our free time together. He always said he would never hurt me, which was more or less true as I couldn't feel anything anyway. It was the thought that counted.

I knew that it was horrible for me to be running from someone as wonderful as Sean, even in my dreams. Why would I run from someone who loved me?

I stayed up as late as I possibly could every night, reading, or doing homework, or listening to music, until I would suddenly awake, book in hand, CD over, and light on, with the memory of ground speeding underneath my feet still fresh in my mind and guilt still thick in my heart.

I fought against these dreams strenuously, but it was useless. All music started to put me to sleep, even the heavy metal CDs that I had purchased in an eighth grade fit of rebellion. I had read over forty books in the past three months, but couldn't remember the name of the main character of a single one. My homework record was impeccable, and I finally had a solid hold on the title of valedictorian of my class, but if asked what I had learned in any of those classes in which I had an A, I couldn't recall a thing.

The only clear memory I had obtained from between the months of February and April was of running through a million different places, Sean left behind me.

During the day, it didn't matter that I was numb to the world; I projected the perfect façade of happiness. It was easy enough, with Sean always around, laughing about various nothings that amused him. Eventually the strange looks my friends shot across the cafeteria and classrooms went away. The whispers and rumors found their own ends. Sean was always at my side, shielding me from any exterior influences that might penetrate my fortress of ice. He walked me to every class, like usual, and I continued sitting with his family at lunch. If ever Sean wasn't in school, because it was too sunny, or because he went hunting with his family, I stayed home.

Scarlett filled in the place of my best friend since I had stopped talking to Carly months ago, and I no longer drove Sam to school. Scarlett aptly noticed my affinity for baggy sweatshirts and jeans, and was kind enough to supply me with more fashionable options than my closet usually held. Due to my lack of appetite, as well as my new running regimen, I lost a significant amount of weight, so new clothes were much appreciated.

Sean couldn't join track with me, as the outdoor practice was usually sunnier than he was allowed, so he met me everyday at the end of my practice and drove me home where we did homework until my dad made dinner and Sean politely excused himself, kissing me once before he walked out the door.

My parents liked Sean well enough, accrediting him to the glories of my miraculous weight loss and stunning grades. To them, there was no better influence in my life, although they did ask me why I didn't hang out with Carly as much.

My brother, John, didn't like Sean, as he was constantly reminding him to do his homework or to get off the computer and run around outside. Sean claimed that none of my family had particularly fragrant blood, though none as bland as mine. He kept a safe distance from them for their own safety, and I watched his movements like a hawk when they were in the same room as us, just in case.

Hugo, my once true love, had taken to hiding in my parents' room whenever Sean was over. He never softened even a little bit to Sean's constant presence. He wouldn't come near me anymore since I smelled too much like the vampires who had taken over my life. This broke my heart the most.

On Saturdays and Sundays, after my morning run, Sean would meet me and drive me to his house, and I would spend the whole day with the McNally family. They loved my company so much, I almost felt the happiness that I pretended motivated the consistent smile on my face. There was a very contagious energy around the house. They competed in cooking meals for me, seeing who was the best chef. I tried to be a fair judge, even though I couldn't taste anything. We played board games as a family, or sometimes tossed a Frisbee around in the back yard, avoiding Harper's flowerbeds. Sean and I watched a lot of movies. I had already shared my entire collection of favorites, and Sean had moved on to showing me what he claimed to be the best titles of the forties and fifties. In short, there was always something to do at the McNally household.

The more time I spent with them, the more I got to know and appreciate the company of Sean's family in return. I learned that Alison had a very vivacious character. She bounced all over the house, filling every room with a certain level of liveliness, and her booming voice echoed around the house, although everyone could hear her easily. I liked to think she did this for my benefit. Harper contrastingly had a very calming personality. He was always either watching TV with quiet intensity, or outside working in his gardens, or hovering in the shadows of whatever room Alison was in, countering her animated aura. Roger and Scarlett were almost always together, usually bickering about something inconsequential, but always forgiving each other with the sweetest of words. I was awed by their relationship. Love was so clear and apparent in everything they did together, it struck me as bizarre that Sean thought we could even compare. He had been right, of course, that I would grow to love him over time, but I couldn't believe that it was the same kind of love I saw in Scarlett's eyes when she looked at Roger.

I asked Scarlett about this once, during one of our "primp" sessions in the girls' bathroom. She had grown obsessed with making sure my hair and make-up was perfect, seeing as I had lost interest in my appearances the same time I lost interest in food and sleep. It got to the point where I didn't bother doing anything with my hair before I got to school and I just met her first thing in the morning so she could work on the mess that was the entire upper half of my body while I drank the coffee Sean had kindly brought me.

Between the occasional tsk-ing and her comments of "Oh, this will look great," I squeezed in my question.

"Scarlett, what did you think of Roger before you knew he was a vampire?"

"That he was gorgeous, obviously," She laughed. She sighed as she tugged a brush through my hair, then continued in the lovesick tone she used whenever she talked about Roger. "He was the most charming customer I ever had at that puny little diner. I never understood why he came every morning, cause he rarely ate anything, and he wasn't like all the old men who came simply out of habit. Every day he looked as if he were on some new adventure, by simply sitting down in my section and waiting for me to say something. It was incredibly flattering, you can imagine," she giggled. "I had never thought of myself as very pretty, though I made an effort to look my best. Unlike you appear to do." She emphasized this by smacking my shoulder lightly with the brush. "I fell in love with him the first time I heard him say my name. There was no stopping it. He was the only reason I stayed at that diner, serving old cronies and perverts all day long. It was all for him. It was like he was the sun, and I was in orbit around him. There was no way I could let go."

I knew that I had been right in thinking that my love for Sean was something completely different. He wasn't my sun, he was the moon, giving me some light during the darkness, but not even enough to see color. I wasn't pulled to him, but he had an effect on me, like the tides. And he was always there, a part of my life, even if it wasn't always visible.

The McNally household became like a second home to me. I was a part of the family, knowledgeable of all the quirks that belonged to certain people. I had my favorite chair in the living room, and my favorite place to hide if things were too hectic. That was the back porch, which stretched the entire length of the house, with large glass doors that opened out from the kitchen and living room. Harper had planted flowers all around the porch, as well as in flowerpots and window boxes, and a porch swing hung at the left end. Gazing into the deep woods from this seat was the closest I ever came to a sincere emotion. I didn't know what it was, but it was the only time I could feel the blood in my veins move fast enough to create something familiar of warmth.

I grew so accustomed to the family, that it took me longer than it should have to realize that someone was missing. Sean was driving me home one Saturday evening when the obvious truth dawned on me.

I audibly gasped and threw my hands out in front of me. Sean quickly asked, "What is it?" voice full of concern.

"Lisa," I finally managed to choke out. "Lisa hasn't been coming to school. She hasn't been at the house. Where's Lisa?"

"Oh," Sean mumbled, concern gone and replaced by aggravation. "I was hoping this wouldn't come up. It's not very important, as it is. She left."

"What do you mean she left?" I asked incredulously.

"Just that; she left. She hadn't been going to school anyway, and all she did was stay up in her room sulking, and one day she finally came down and told us she was leaving."

"What did she say?"

He frowned, then answered, "She told Roger that his constant happiness was giving her headaches and that she couldn't stay with us anymore."

I studied his expression which he was desperately trying to keep composed. "That's not all she said."

"Sure it is," he lied.

"Sean," I said, voice stern and unyielding.

He sighed, then said with irritation. "She also said… that she wouldn't stick around to watch another tragedy unfold on our lives."

"Meaning me."

"No," he retorted sharply. "Meaning she can't see any happiness in her future so she's too nervous to stick around. She doesn't know what she's talking about!"

"How would you know?" I yelled. "You haven't said a civil word to her since the day she tried to run us down with the Mustang!"

"I know, ok? So let's not talk about this. No one in the family is sorry to see her leave, and I won't have you trying to make them feel guilty about it. Lisa would have left eventually anyway, it was only a matter of time. Besides, we're all very happy to have you in our lives, no one is going to regret that."

The fact that none of the McNallys ever said anything about Lisa convinced me that her leaving had more to do me than Sean wanted me to believe. Her name was like taboo; if someone let it slip, everyone went silent and stared at me. I got so sick of it, I left for my porch swing whenever it happened. Unfortunately, Sean took this motion to mean that I was uncomfortable someone had brought her up. Nothing could have been more wrong; I wished that they would just talk about her, just like they talked about all their other friends. It wasn't like she died. Even if she had, they should still talk about her, I knew they must miss her. How could they not? She was part of the family, Sean had said it himself. Why had he let anything change that?

I found myself seeking the comfort of the porch swing more often, pretending that the girl I had never gotten to know was sitting beside me, as furious with the rest of the family as I was. Now that it was late April, the woods had transformed into an ocean of green. Harper worked busily in the flower bed just off the porch steps. He was humming a sweet melody I didn't recognize, his skin shimmering dully in the faint traces of light that tried to work their way through the thick clouds.

"How are the flowers doing today, Harper?" I asked cordially.

"Just fine," he answered, dusting mud off his fingers. "They certainly like the rain that passed through last night."

"April showers bring May flowers," I recited.

He looked up at me and smiled a warm smile. "Yes they do." He stood up and collected his tray of gardening tools. "I'm so glad that they finally broke through the ground. Winter is the loneliest season for me, without anything growing. It's like if I had a pet who only showed up during the warm months in the year."

"I would hate it if I didn't get to see my dog for that long. I'm going to miss him so much when I'm at college in the fall."

"That's right," Harper said, "You'll be at college next year! Have you decided where you're going yet?"

As Harper was talking, Sean walked through the kitchen door onto the porch to stand next to me. "Oh, Tessa doesn't know where she's going yet."

I was startled that Sean had answered for me. "Sure I do!" I retorted angrily.

"Well, what I mean is you haven't made the final decision yet," he said this with a calm, convincing voice while he squeezed my shoulder. "Still a few weeks to do that." He smiled a wide grin that made me glare at him spitefully, while Harper moved toward the kitchen door.

"Of course," he said while rubbing his muddy hands together. "Well, it's my turn to cook dinner, so I better get started soon. See you in a few, Tessa." He winked at me and went inside.

I turned all my fury onto Sean. "What do you mean, I don't know where I'm going yet? I know exactly where I'm going!"

"No you don't," Sean said, his look earnestly confused.

"Yes, I do! I'm going to Dartmouth! I told you that in January!"

"Yes, but that was before you knew the truth about me. I just figured, since we're together now, that you would give Boston University another consideration."

"I don't want to give BU another chance! I'm going to Dartmouth!"

"Tessa," He said, turning me to face him directly and staring into my eyes with concern. "I'm only registered as a junior in Hardgrave. I can't graduate for another year. If you go to Dartmouth, I can't follow you."

Just then, I saw the shining-pale envious moon's true desires. He wanted to be close to me, always. He wanted to always have our Saturdays and Sundays with the family, to always bring me coffee in the morning, and to always kiss me goodnight. If I stayed in Boston, he could probably still manage this, at least most of the time. But Dartmouth was far enough away that he would only be able to see me on the weekends, if that.

I suddenly felt something inside myself; the first real emotion that had coursed through me in months. A monster of sorts rose up and confirmed the decision I thought I was sure of, but now knew to be unwavering.

"I'm going to Dartmouth. No negotiating."

Sean looked at me, utterly shocked, but somehow waved it away and the cocky grin returned to his face. "We'll see. Like I said, there's still time to decide."

The monster inside me growled. Yes, there was still time, but I had already made my decision. I faked a smile in return and we continued through the evening without any more hiccups until he kissed me goodnight at my door and I walked inside.

Walked inside and went straight to the desk in my room where I had kept all my acceptance letters stored, found my letter from Dartmouth, pulled out the return envelope, marked the square box that said, Yes! I am enrolling in Dartmouth's Fall Semester for the class of 2013! And I signed the check from my seldom-used check book for $400. And ran all the way down to the corner of the street in the dark to post my deposit in the blue mailbox. I also burned all my other acceptance letter in the stove for good measure.

It had just become so evident that evening that this was my escape, my only chance to be free of Sean's constant attentions. The monster in me purred happily as I made mental plans for my approaching year at college, and I sat in my room gasping for air as I let myself feel for the first time in months.

There was hope. I had a chance. This was it.

I did something completely different that night; I set on a CD of calming music, and I ignored my pile of books to read while I climbed into bed at the early hour of 10 PM, for once begging myself to experience the dream I had been hiding from for so long.

My subconscious complied. I was running; running fast and effortlessly from so much practice. I recognized the street I was running on, as I had been there before. Not only in other dreams, but in real life. I turned off the road and ran across walking paths and green lawns, past familiar buildings. I knew Sean was behind me, calling my name, but not catching up to me.

I knew I was running away from him. I wasn't afraid of him, but I couldn't stay where I was, I couldn't be near him anymore. I needed to feel something. I needed movement, I needed to feel earth beneath my feet. All I felt was the ground under my feet. No cold, no pain. Just feet hitting the ground.

I saw the woods looming ahead of me. For the first time I felt something close to fear, because I knew that once we were in the woods he would catch up to me, try to stop me, and I wanted to keep moving. I kept on my path. I burst into the woods, running with abandon through the brush, not feeling if thorns or branches were scraping against my legs. Every thing was so clear, clearer than if I had even been awake.

I hit a wall. But how could a wall be in the forest? This was some surprise that my subconscious had been saving for me…

I didn't look up to see what I had run into. I didn't keep running, or turn around to look for Sean or do anything. Instead, I stared at my hand.

My hand, the first thing that had made contact with whatever the thing had been, was warm with heat. I could feel.

I woke up, jumping almost clear out of my bed, still feeling the lingering warmth on my hand that was stretched out in front of me, shaking in the air. My breathing was staggered from the shock, and I continued staring at my hand in the dark.

I didn't know what it all meant. I didn't know why this dream had haunted me for so long, or why it seemed to be the only weapon against the numbness that had consumed my life. But I did know two things.

I did need to run from Sean. No matter how perfect a boyfriend he may be, or how much I did love him, my dreams were not lying to me. I needed to run away from him.

The other thing I knew was that Dartmouth was my escape. The dream had confirmed this as well; The streets I ran on, the familiar buildings, the woods that felt like home… They were all recognizable in my memory as the college campus I had visited in the fall. I had seen clearly in my dream every Dartmouth sweatshirt, and even the familiar street signs.

Finally, I knew I was running in the right direction.

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