This was a difficult chapter to write on multiple levels, thus the long delay in updating. I rewrote it many times, and finally had to let it go. This is the result.
Striding with purpose, Myka stepped through the department store doors, out of the chill of the early afternoon. While writing in her daily planner that morning, she realized the day marked the three-month anniversary of her time with Helena. It was difficult for her to believe three months had already passed. She could easily remember their first meeting as if it was yesterday and the memory brought a soft smile to her lips.
As she moved through the store she realized she had no idea what to give Helena. She passed the jewelry department with barely a glance. Despite the locket she wore unceasingly, and earrings every now and then, Helena didn't wear much jewelry. Besides, three months was a little soon for jewelry, Myka mused.
She continued through the store, stumbling upon the baby section. Recalling the conversation with Helena from the other evening, Myka felt drawn to the colorful clothes on display. She really should look for something for Tracy's baby after all, she rationalized.
A small lavender onesie caught her attention and she held up the article of clothing for further inspection, amazed at the tiny size of the garment. There was a small flower embroidered in the center, a flower she couldn't decipher, but was sure Helena would be able to. The outfit seemed like something Helena would possibly choose for their child. Myka startled at the thought. Their child? Where did that come from? An image of Helena holding an infant in her arms overwhelmed Myka's senses and she quickly put the offending clothing back on the hanger, staring at it as if it would jump at her.
She turned away from the baby clothes resolutely, and sighed in frustration, even more at a loss of what to give Helena for a gift. Maybe flowers? After all, flowers were partially responsible for bringing them together. Satisfied with that idea, Myka left the department store, leaving behind anymore unsettling thoughts.
As Myka walked from the subway to Helena's apartment, she pulled her coat collar up to guard against the chill. A quick glance skyward revealed gray skies that promised snowfall. She actually looked forward to the snow as it reminded her of the more pleasant memories of home, not to mention it made the world seem softer somehow. Snow also meant staying warm indoors in front of the fire, reading with Helena, and perhaps more...she thought as a smile formed on her lips and she began to walk more briskly.
Apparently Helena shared her idea because Myka walked into the apartment to find the coffee table pulled close to the fireplace with two place settings for dinner. Helena stood over the oven, checking on whatever was the cause of the heavenly smell wafting through the room. Myka quietly set her satchel down and hung up her coat. She took off her heels so they wouldn't sound on the hard wood floor and approached Helena, slipping her arms around the bent waist.
Helena yelped in surprise at the intimate contact when she hadn't heard Myka enter, but turned to see dancing eyes just before Myka kissed her deeply.
Pulling back, Myka watched as Helena slowly opened her eyes, her lips still parted and her chest heaving slightly trying to catch her breath.
"You look so beautiful in that dress, Helena," Myka spoke in explanation, "I couldn't resist myself."
"I'm not complaining," Helena spoke huskily, the kiss still affecting her.
Myka smirked at Helena's reaction. "What's the occasion for all this?" she asked, gesturing to Helena's dress of deep purple with a low neckline and also the setting at the coffee table.
"No occasion," Helena spoke somewhat nervously. "Isn't it alright for me to want to spend a special evening in with the woman I love?"
"Of course," Myka assented, "but it must be something, otherwise you wouldn't look slightly nervous," Myka spoke knowingly, reading Helena's gesture of running her fingers through her hair.
"You really do know me better than anyone else," Helena spoke, gently caressing Myka's cheek. "All right, love. Tonight is rather special, as it marks our three month anniversary."
Myka's eyes brightened. "Oh, Helena," she said gently resting her head against the other woman's forehead. "You remembered."
"Of course. Anything to do with you Myka Bering, I will remember and cherish forever."
"As it so happens, I remembered too and I have something for you," Myka spoke as she turned away to gather the flowers she put down with her satchel. As she turned back to Helena, she watched as the other woman's eyes lit up.
"Lilacs! Darling, you remembered," Helena spoke awed as she gathered the lavender flowers in her arms to take in their sweet scent.
Myka watched her adoringly. "Of course. Anything to do with you, Helena Wells, I will remember and cherish forever," Myka repeated Helena's words softly as she slipped her arms around Helena's waist to pull her close.
"This explains where Claudia disappeared to this afternoon," Helena smirked.
Myka had the grace to look bashful. "I didn't think it would do very well to get the flowers from anywhere else but your shop,"
"Quite right," Helena agreed with a smile.
"I'm sorry if the gift isn't very original. I know you see and work with flowers everyday…"
"Nonsense," Helena interrupted. "Being a florist, it's a common misconception that I wouldn't want a gift of flowers myself, but I enjoy receiving flowers as much as anyone. Even more so when I receive them from a beautiful woman I happen to love, who took special care to remember my favorite flowers to give me on our three-month anniversary," Helena smiled seductively.
Myka's breath hitched at the sight. Carefully, she removed the bouquet from Helena's arms, setting them on the counter so she could draw Helena closer to her. The two women kissed once more, it rapidly turning more passionate.
Finally Helena managed to break away. "Enough of that now, we'll partake of dessert later," she said delighting in the way she could still make Myka blush with her implication. "For now I've prepared us a lovely dinner that I don't intend to waste."
"It smells, wonderful, Helena. Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Yes, you can pour the wine while I dish the food onto our plates," she said turning back to the oven.
Myka carried two glasses to the coffee table and gently fingered the pale lavender roses she found in a vase on the table. She smiled as she looked at Helena's turned back. The woman had thought of everything. She returned to the kitchen to help carry the plates to the living room and together they sat comfortably on pillows side by side on the floor, leaning against the sofa and looking into the fire as they shared stories about their day; Myka carefully omitting her brief excursion to the department store.
It wasn't long before they finished dinner and began to 'partake of dessert' as Helena so eloquently put it. Myka found Helena hard to resist when she wore a dress that offered so much soft skin to touch and to taste. Helena found it equally difficult to resist Myka and soon enough, her hands slipped under Myka's silk blouse to touch heated skin.
They made love in front of the fireplace, and when the rug proved not comfortable enough, they moved to the bedroom. They spent hours revisiting every curve, every dip and hollow. Helena reveled in the soft moans and pleas Myka made as lips and teeth touched her throat and chest and delighted in the feel of Myka's hands running through her hair, pulling her ever closer.
The following morning, after the two women had finally slept for a few hours, they silently held each other in bed as they watched the snow continue to fall on the world outside. Helena lied on her back with Myka's head resting against her shoulder, gently running her hands through dark curls she adored.
Watching the snowfall was serene, as Helena reflected on the evening before. The flowers, dinner, a night of passion; it had all gone perfectly except for one detail she hadn't managed to carry out. She had every intention of following through with her plan completely, but the desperation they both felt, to touch, taste and feel the other, far eclipsed anything or any question she had to ask.
"What are you thinking about?" Myka interrupted her silent thoughts, her voice still groggy from sleep.
Helena tensed slightly at the question, wondering if she should ask Myka now.
Moving her head ever so slightly to meet Helena's eyes at the sudden tenseness she felt under her, Myka spoke concerned, "Helena?"
Helena smiled reassuringly. "You know me so well, Myka," she spoke tightening her hold on the other woman. "There is something that's been on my mind of late, something I want to ask you."
"What is it?" Myka asked, her mind racing with any number of possible questions Helena might have.
Helena dipped her hand into the little drawer of her nightstand. Two slender fingers grasped a small object and held it out for Myka to see. "I'm so in love with you, Myka Bering. Will you marry me, darling?" she asked softly.
"Helena," Myka breathed, sparing a brief glance at the diamond and amethyst engagement ring before sitting up in bed, clutching the sheet firmly to her chest. She looked at Helena beside her, seeing a soft smile on her lips. A smile that began to falter as Myka shook her head, distressed.
Myka's first thought at looking upon Helena's expectant face was to answer with a resounding yes before kissing her senseless. But then fear and doubt instantly crept in, her mind racing in a million directions.
Helena was actually proposing marriage? They never talked about marriage, were they ready for that? She'd never given marriage serious consideration before. The proposal was so sudden and unexpected, and yet Helena obviously didn't think so. Of course they loved each other, she loved Helena more than she loved anyone, but marriage? Did that mean Helena also wanted children? They had barely discussed it the other night, yet hadn't Helena sounded wistful at the mention of children? Myka wasn't sure. In fact, she wasn't sure of anything anymore, but she did know marrying Helena would mean she would have to at last involve her family in their relationship. They didn't know anything about Helena, how was she supposed to tell them of their engagement all of a sudden?
"Myka, what is it?" Helena asked worried, seeing the panic and turmoil crossing her lover's features.
"I can't…I can't do this. I can't marry you, I'm sorry," she said rising from the bed, moving around the room to dress quickly.
Helena sat stunned, watching Myka move about their bedroom. It wasn't until Helena realized Myka was hurriedly placing clothes and books into a suitcase that she sprang into action. She slipped from the bed then, hastily throwing on her robe before trying to comfort her lover.
"Myka, please think rationally for a moment. What has you so frightened that you're reacting this way?" Helena asked truly perplexed.
"I don't know who I am anymore, Helena. You've made me question everything I ever thought I knew about myself. Two years ago I hadn't even moved in with Sam after dating for nearly a year, but with you, I practically move in overnight. Only three months, Helena! It's too soon for marriage," Myka ranted.
"I didn't realize time was a qualifier for love," Helena spoke gently. "If it makes any difference, I knew I loved you the moment you first kissed me, Myka, mere hours after knowing you. In that context, three months seems perfectly reasonable."
She shook her head defiantly. "It's too soon for marriage…children…family," Myka argued as she continued to fill the suitcase, carefully avoiding looking at Helena.
"Children?" Helena asked surprised.
"Yes, children! You mentioned it the other night."
"Myka, you asked me a question, I answered honestly, that's all," Helena replied more calmly than she felt. "I thought I made it clear that I'm by no means certain I'd want another child again after the loss I've endured with Christina," she spoke softly.
Myka stilled her motions but didn't respond or meet her lover's eyes. Helena sighed heavily, running fingers through dark tresses. "I admit, that conversation made me realize having children with you is something I could envision, but only if you desired it too.
"Myka you must know I would never pressure you into something you don't want, whether that be children…or marriage," Helena spoke sadly. "My intent in giving you the ring was to convey that I desire to spend the rest of our lives together. I thought you felt the same way, but obviously I was mistaken," she spoke sorrowfully.
Myka looked up then, her heart breaking at the sight of Helena's distress. "I do love you, Helena," she whispered.
Glistening brown eyes met tearful green ones. Helena stepped forward and cautiously took Myka's hand in hers, relieved when Myka didn't pull away. "This sudden fear isn't only about having children though, is it? There's something else that frightens you," she spoke knowingly, gently guiding Myka back to the bed to sit side by side.
Myka hastily brushed away tears with the hand that wasn't gripping Helena's. "It's all been like a dream," she spoke shaking her head. "You saw me in a window," she laughed shakily, "delivered flowers to me and we fell in love like out of some romance novel, but this isn't fiction, Helena, and reality has finally set in. I can't live up to this perfect life we've created anymore."
"I thought you were happy with this life we've created," Helena spoke hurt.
Myka grasped Helena's hand tighter, willing her to understand. "I've never been happier than with you, Helena, and our friends who all love and support us unconditionally."
"Then why?" Helena asked.
"A marriage between us…it means family. My family."
Realization came to Helena then. "You still haven't told your family anything about us," she spoke softly.
Myka shook her head, tears tracing down her face.
"You've been lying…"
Myka dropped Helena's hand and stood abruptly, crossing her arms across her chest. "If you mean omitting our relationship to my family, then yes, I've lied. It's a force of habit as it keeps my family from always being disappointed in me," Myka spoke defensively.
"Oh, darling," Helena spoke gently, "I meant you're lying to yourself in thinking that their opinion of you has any real bearing on the person you are, the person I love."
Myka looked startled. She knew logically Helena was right, that her family's opinion shouldn't matter to her, but emotionally it was difficult to shake off a lifetime of trying to please them with one conversation.
"You know who you are, Helena, and you're unafraid and unapologetic to be exactly who you are. Your family loves and accepts you for that."
"They do now because I made them understand I wouldn't settle for anything less," Helena explained. "You can do the same with your family."
"How?" Myka asked incredulously. "How do I make them understand the love I feel for you when I don't understand it myself? It's not something I can adequately put into words."
"Love is not meant to be explained, only felt and accepted," Helena replied gently.
Myka shook her head. "I don't have your strength," she whispered.
"I think you do, you just don't believe it. Be brave, Myka, I need your strength. I don't want to lose you," Helena pleaded softly.
"I'm sorry," Myka spoke defeated, "I'm obviously not the person you thought I was, the person you deserve."
Helena made no reply, too stunned by the turn of events the morning had brought upon their happiness. She understood Myka's dilemma, she'd been there herself once with her own family. She knew Myka was running away; as Helena herself had done when she'd had Christina. She knew Myka needed to work this out on her own terms, but the knowledge of that didn't make the situation any easier to bear.
Myka felt ready to break at the sight of Helena looking so heartbroken. She hated herself for being the cause of it, but better to do this now, she resolved, than further into their ever deepening relationship.
"I'm so sorry, Helena," Myka apologized again as she placed a brief kiss in Helena's hair before grasping the suitcase.
"I'm sorry too, Myka," Helena spoke looking away.
Myka turned away, tears blurring her vision as she walked out of the room, out of the apartment and out of Helena's life.
Helena remained sitting on the edge of the bed until she heard the apartment door close. The sound of it startled her into gasping for breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. It was only then she noticed she still held the ring between her fingers, shining in the soft morning light as if eager to be placed on Myka's finger.
She collapsed onto the bed, curling herself around Myka's pillow, taking in the scent of her. Could it only have been mere minutes ago they had been so perfectly happy together? Helena didn't think it possible as she let out a choked cry before burrowing her face further into the pillow. Their whirlwind romance appeared to be at an end as abruptly as it had begun.
