(As usual, this is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form.)
Identity Crisis
Episode 11 – The Deliciously Cheesy Ending
Nabiki rested her head on Shampoo's warm, bare breast as her hand found that Shampoo's other breast was also warm and bare, as well as delightfully squeezable. Nabiki sighed contentedly.
Shampoo asked, "Nabiki happy?"
"Hai," Nabiki responded.
"Good. Shampoo worry."
"Why?"
"Because Shampoo no have money."
"Is okay," Nabiki said, not noticing that she was mimicking Shampoo's speech patterns. "We can just keep doing what we did with Gosunkugi – lure more men into buying stuff for us while hinting that they might have a chance at a threesome at some unspecified future time. In the long run, I might actually increase my profit margin with you at my side."
"Shampoo work body hard for Nabiki."
"You always do."
"I mean in making moneys."
"That too."
RANMA 1/2
"Kasumi?" Soun Tendo called as he walked down the hallway. "Where did you put my old sock collection?"
Soun opened the door to his daughter's room. There on the bed sat Ranma with his pants pulled down and Kasumi, who was completely naked, sitting in his lap. Ranma held two large serving spoons to Kasumi's breasts.
"Oh my!"
"Te-Tendo-san!"
"You'll have a hard time making an heir sticking her in that end, boy!" Soun jokingly chided. But what do you know, Soun thought, it actually happened with her mother. They thought it would make a good contraceptive, but – then Akane happened. Oh well!
"Privacy!" Kasumi yelled as she threw her pillow at her father, who managed to block it by shutting the door.
Soun laughed, saying, "I guess that's what it takes to get ol' Kasumi-chan excited!" And he walked away, forgetting why he was looking for Kasumi in the first place, and not really caring – because now he felt more certain than ever before that his family heritage was secured for well after he was gone.
RANMA 1/2
Ranma lay on top of Ryoga. "Wow," she said. "So that's what a female orgasm is like."
"What?" Ryoga yelled. "I can't hear you, your screaming has made me deaf."
"Oh, shut up," Ranma said, and she bit Ryoga's side playfully. "You're silly."
A quiet moment of snuggliness.
"Ryo-chan," Ranma said. "I've got something important you've got to hear."
"What?" he asked, "What was that?"
Ranma slapped his bare chest. "No, seriously. Listen to me." She made a displeased face at him.
Ryoga's smile faded. "What do you want me to hear?"
"Ryo-chan," Ranma said. "I'm pregnant. I don't know what happened. I don't think the birth control worked." (No kidding. Read the label.)
"Oh well," Ryoga said. "I guess we'll just have to figure out who to invite to the wedding a little sooner, ne?"
RANMA 1/2
Mousse and Kuno lay in bed together…. And I think we've heard enough already.
RANMA 1/2
As soon as they reached Akane's room, Akane let Ukyo walk in first. Akane said, "How about if I go get some snacks and some music to –" drown out the noise "– listen to. Is that all right?"
Ukyo nodded, and Akane sped away. Ukyo sat on the bed – and noticed something interesting.
Now, Ukyo was a trustworthy girl who didn't go snooping around through other people's things. She believed in the privacy of her friends, even of someone she was dating – in the relatively loose way that the Japanese believe in such things. Ukyo believed in minding one's own business, at any rate. However, one had to admit that it was distracting to see a nude sketch of oneself and one's date entwined in a rather complicated and difficult-to-describe position. Indeed, it was all too tempting to pick up the notebook and flip through the pages – as Ukyo was doing – to see if there were any more pictures of a similar nature. Which there were.
Akane returned to the room bearing a CD player and a box of bento. "I've brought TATU with some… um… I hope it's okay." Akane's face turned red.
Ukyo replied absent-mindedly, "Domo."
"What are you looking at?"
Ukyo looked up from the notebook. "These pictures make me so horny."
"Um… they do?"
"Did you draw these?"
"Ah, that is… you weren't supposed to see that."
"I wasn't?" Ukyo blinked. "Oh… I'm sorry." She set the notebook aside. "Now I'm embarrassed."
Akane wasn't sure what to say. "I'm sorry," Akane said, because in Japan, whatever the social situation was, if you said you were "sorry," you were usually covered.
"You're a great artist," Ukyo said, and then thought, Not really.
"They're like any pictures you can find in bad doujinshi." (Akane was right.)
"Those make me horny too," Ukyo said. She was becoming uncertain how this conversation was supposed to evolve. Keep giving out compliments? "You make me horny."
"Um… was that supposed to be romantic?"
"I think so."
Silence.
"Sooo," Ukyo said. "You wanna get something to eat?"
"I already did," Akane said, handing over the bento. Ukyo accepted it, bowing as graciously as possible. But Ukyo wasn't hungry... for food. (Yeah, like that wasn't cheesy. Deliciously cheesy!)
Another silence. They had the notion that, as Ranma 1/2 characters in a sleazy fanfic, this encounter ought to somehow escalate into sex. Unfortunately, they just couldn't. They weren't like Ranma and Ryoga, who were both men and therefore stupid, nor were they like Nabiki and Shampoo, who never possessed any morals to violate to begin with. As for Kasumi and Ranma... well, their marriage was arranged, and Soun would be damned if they ever tried weaseling out of it, so heck, why not sample the privileges of marriage early?
But Akane and Ukyo didn't have any good excuse to sixty-nine on a first date. In fact, Akane was still getting used to the idea she was a lesbian. Besides, even though Akane did seem to be adapting rather quickly, she just wasn't the kind of girl to put her tongue between someone's legs at the drop of a bento box. As for Ukyo, she had been raised on the down-to-earth values of a traditional okonomiyaki vendor: a strong work ethic, financial responsibility, and abstaining from sex until one was properly married (or civil-unioned, whatever the case may be). They just couldn't jump in bed with each other, however much they might like fantasizing about it. This was true despite the fact that the hand of fate had even set them up with a book full of dirty pictures to inspire them just in case S-E-X happened to slip their minds.
Akane asked, "Wanna play Uno?"
Glad that Akane had finally given them an excuse to end this horrible silence - and this horrible scene - Ukyo said, "Yes!"
They weren't going to have sex yet. They weren't ready. And you know what? That's okay, because you wouldn't have gotten to read about it, anyway.
RANMA 1/2
Ranma and Kasumi, both half-naked, walked out onto the porch. Ranma had his arm around Kasumi, and Kasumi cradled a very slick rolling pin to her bosom.
"I have only one regret," Ranma said.
"And what is that?" asked Kasumi.
Ranma gazed out into the distance, wondering if she should tell her what was on his mind. It was a difficult truth not easily expressed, but somehow, he knew that Kasumi would understand. "I miss having my own boobs to play with."
At first, Kasumi was shocked to hear this. Aren't my boobs good enough for him? she thought. But then she realized that, in truth, Ranma missed more than just the boobs, and more than the chance to play with them. Kasumi nuzzled against his shoulder. "I miss them too, Ranma," she whispered. "I miss your female form, too."
And so, as they contemplated the price of airplane tickets to Jusenkyo, China, they watched the setting sun incinerate itself in a brilliant red glow in the west, much as it would rise again at dawn like a phoenix, burning with the brilliant promise of new beginnings and other sentimental crap.
THE END
