Chapter Eleven: Without You

BPOV

It happens so fast, but so slowly at the same time.

My scream is automatic as I watch him fall, and my subconscious registers relief that I'm not the only one who does. I'm up and out of my seat in no time, but Ben's kneeling down next to Edward before I can even form another coherent thought.

"Get the nurse," Madame Pince screams out at someone.

"Should we call nine-one-one?" somebody asks.

I just watch as Ben turns Edward onto his side.

"Can I get some water?" Ben asks hurriedly, though he's oddly calm. A part of my brain wonders if he's in the First Aid Club. "Somebody. Anyone. Get me some water!"

I fumble for my water bottle in my bag and shove it at him.

Everything after that goes by in a blur. Edward is minimally responsive, but it isn't enough. I need him to open his eyes. I need him to say or do something, anything. I need him.

When Sister Davis arrives, she's not alone. I don't know who called them but there are paramedics with her, and I can only watch with wide eyes as they attend to the unconscious boy on the floor. They take him away on a stretcher, and I desperately want to follow. But how can I? Who am I to him?

Madame Pince unsuccessfully tries to resume the lesson after things have settled, but nobody is paying attention to anything she is saying. Particularly me. I can't sit still as I wait for the final bell to ring. They just took Edward away, and I don't know if he's okay, let alone why he just collapsed in front of us.

"Okay," Madame Pince says. "You're dismissed, and I'm sure that Edward is going to be just fine."

How does she know?

She can't know.

Nobody can know.

I stand immediately and get ready to leave, but Ben grabs my wrist to stop me from rushing out. I look at him expectantly.

"Are you okay?" he asks, and I want to shake my head, no. I'm most definitely not okay.

I nod anyway.

He looks like he doesn't believe me, but he doesn't comment. "Your water bottle, Bella."

I blink. "Huh?"

"Your water bottle."

Oh. I reach for it, and then rush out of the room. I call Edward's phone immediately, but I'm not surprised when he doesn't answer, and my subsequent call to Esme gets me the same response: nothing. I'm working myself into a right panic by the time I get to my locker. I don't know what to do.

Who do I call?

Where do I go?

I don't know.

When I get to my locker, I can't even focus on taking the correct books for the homework I need to do. I can't focus on anything other than the image of Edward falling. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick to my stomach, and I need to get out of here. Right now.

Unfortunately or fortunately, Angela doesn't let me.

She catches me at my locker, her eyes wide with concern. "What's this I hear about Edward Cullen collapsing in French?"

I don't even know what to say to her right now.

"Bella?" she questions. "I saw the ambulance from Art."

I shake my head. "He collapsed," I say before I nod. Edward just collapsed in front of me. He collapsed. "He collapsed," I say again.

"Bella?" she asks, her features changing to something I don't recognize. "Bella?"

"I have to go," I say.

"Where are you going?"

I don't answer. All I do is slam my locker shut, turn the key and then push past her. Logically, I know I'm in no state to be driving, but I have to see him. I have to. I manage to get to my car, put the key in the ignition and pull out of the parking lot.

I don't make it much further, because my tears are blurring my vision. I'm forced to pull over to the side of the road and try my best to calm down. I call Edward again before I try Esme once more. They both go straight to voicemail this time.

I panic. Oh God, what if he's not okay? What if something is terribly wrong? What if it's some latent complication from his concussion after the car accident? The tears just keep coming, and I feel so helpless. It takes me forever to compose myself enough to get back on the road. I suspect Edward was taken to a hospital, and I wouldn't know where to go.

So, I go to Edward's house.

What I find is nothing like I imagined. When I get to the house, I know I won't be able to go inside. There are cars parked in the driveway, and I recognize a few of them as belonging to Edward's friends. I deflate immediately. Of course, they would be here. Of course, they would rush over as soon as they heard what happened.

I mean, I'm here. Which is why I'm not surprised, though I'm annoyed and irritated. I can't go inside. I can't check on him. Is he even here?

I redial his number. Nothing. Esme's number doesn't fare much better. I hate this. Why won't somebody just answer the damn phone? I need to know he's okay. So, I wait. I park across the street and wait. I should be going to lacrosse practice, but I know I won't be able to handle it.

I don't know how long I sit there before there's any movement. The front door opens, and I watch as Emmett and Jared walk towards Emmett's car, and then take off, headed somewhere.

I don't know.

I don't care.

I still wait.

When Emmett and Jared get back, they're in two cars: Emmett's and Edward's. They're both smiling when they head towards the house, which can mean only one thing: Edward is fine. The tension in my body dissipates only slightly, but it's enough to get me moving. I go home, climb the stairs and lock myself in my bedroom.

I should probably get started on my homework, but I can't. Today has taught me something I wasn't ready to learn. Edward and I can pretend all we want, but what we have isn't healthy. The secrecy of it lost its appeal a long time ago, and I was sorely tempted to charge into his house and say screw it all.

My reaction to the fact he collapsed right in front of me isn't normal for people who are just friends.

We aren't.

We're more, and it's terrifying.

I grab my phone and call Jake. I need to talk to him, to somehow settle myself. We talk for almost half an hour, and maybe he can hear something desperate in my voice because he obliges me. I need to get my priorities straight.

We can't do this anymore. They're simple words, and I know I'm going to have to say them to someone. Jake or Edward.

Maybe both of them.

When Jake has to get to practice, I do work on my homework; just to keep my mind occupied. Both Angela and Alice send me texts, but I don't reply to them. I don't even know what to say. It was one thing to react to the news that Edward was in a car accident the way that I did; but this is different. I saw it happen, and I think it's the fact I couldn't do anything that makes it worse.

I couldn't protect him.

I couldn't save him.

I don't know if I'm getting confused, or if I just won't accept that Edward is more important to me than either of us even realized. My mind keeps drifting back to Edward, which makes the start to my English essay incredibly amateur. It doesn't even make sense when I read it over. I keep trying, regardless, but it doesn't get any better. It just gets worse.

As soon as my phone starts to ring, I snatch for it. I spy 'Edythe,' but I already knew it was him before I even looked. "Hello," I answer, and the sound of his voice breaks me.

"Bella?" It's a sob, really, and I can hear that he's crying.

"Edward?"

"Can you - " he stops. "I need - "

My heart hurts. It hurts so much.

"Please."

I immediately stand up. "Okay," I say. "Okay, Edward," I tell him. "I'm coming, okay? I'm on my way."

He doesn't say anything. Maybe he can't; maybe he won't, but he doesn't hang up either. We kind of just listen to each other breathe as I grab my things and then make my way downstairs. I don't hang up as I rush to my car and climb into the driver's seat. I start the car and wait for the Bluetooth to connect.

"Edward, you still there?" I ask.

His breath quickens, but he doesn't say anything. As long as I can hear him.

I drive fast, but I don't break any road rules. I want to get to Edward as quickly as possible, but I also want to get there. I've never been more relieved that we don't live far from each other, and I arrive at the Cullen house quickly. I pull into the driveway, and park to the right, in the spot Edward's father told me to use. He dubbed it 'Bella's Spot' after I kept blocking access to his garage door.

I don't bother to knock because I spend so much time here, it's actually a problem. I push open the door and enter the foyer.

I take my phone off speaker and bring it to my ear. "Where are you?" I ask, but he's gone.

Esme must hear me, because she appears out of nowhere, looking a mixture of concern, guilt and relief. "Oh," she says as soon as she sees me. "Thank God you're here."

I don't know what to say to that, so I say nothing.

"I was just about to call you back," she says, which may or may not be true. "He's not handling this well," she tells me.

I blink. "What happened?"

"The doctors are calling it exhaustion - uh, dehydration and anxiety," she explains. "He's been so focused on trying to catch up on the training he's missed, and now he's run himself ragged. He's been hiding it from everyone, training too much, not eating as much as he should, and it's taken its toll on him."

It's the reason he's been so irritable.

"The doctors want him to take it easy," she adds. "They don't want him to train, which he believes means they don't want him to compete in the National Championships. He hasn't taken it well. At all."

That makes sense. I wouldn't take it well either, if I were him.

"They have a plan to get him back up to speed, but he's not following it," she explains tiredly. "He wants to be back to his best right away, but it's not possible. I need your help to make him see reason. We can't go through another day like today." She falls silent. "I never want to receive another phone call like I did today. I can't handle hearing my son is in the hospital again. I can't."

I can only imagine what that feels like. I watched him fall, and I could go my entire life without witnessing that ever again.

Esme tells me a few more things, briefly explaining the plan and how important it is to make Edward see reason, before she sends me upstairs. "Go on up," she eventually says, so I do.

I practically run up the stairs, turn right into the corridor and rush to the end where I find Edward's door slightly ajar. I can't hear anything, but I don't bother to knock. I push the door open to find Edward lying on his bed, curled up in the fetal position.

I move straight towards him, practically crawl over him and put my face right in front of his. "Edward," I whisper.

He opens his eyes, and I'm surprised by how red and bloodshot they are. "Bella," he cries, and then all but breaks down. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

I take his head in my hands. "Why are you sorry?"

"I don't want to fight," he says. "I don't want to."

"We're not fighting, Edward," I tell him, which is the truth. Well, we're definitely not fighting anymore, that's for sure.

He smiles slightly, but it falls away almost immediately. "They don't want me to swim," he says, and I can hear the pain in his voice. "The doctors; they don't want me to compete."

He sounds so lost, and I don't blame him. Swimming is his life; it's who he is. No. It's everything he thinks he is.

"Edward," I say, and his eyes meet mine.

He looks devastated.

"Maybe it's not a bad idea," I say, and he starts to move away from me. I hold on tight. "Just listen to me, okay?"

He stares at me with wide eyes.

"Take this week off," I tell him. "Just recuperate." He makes a pained sound. "Next week, you'll go back," I tell him. "You'll start off slow, just get back into it. You can't just throw yourself in after an injury, Edward, and I know you know that. We both know you're smart and logical enough to know the truth of that."

"But I have to be ready," he argues.

"And you will be," I say, my fingers running through his hair. I calm him down with soothing words, assuring him that everything is going to be okay. He just needs a good rest. Both his body and his mind are tired, and they need the time to recover.

I don't know if he believes me, but his eyes close anyway, and his body relaxes.

I fall silent, and his breathing shallows.

"Will you stay?" he whispers after a moment, and I don't have to tell him I had no intention of leaving.

I wait a beat, before I wrap my arms tightly around him and draw him close to my chest. I can feel the warm puffs of his breath through my shirt, but I don't let go. I can't and I won't. I just want to protect him from this world; just keep him safe and happy. Really, I want nothing more.

I think he falls asleep because his breathing steadies, and his grip on the fabric of my shirt loosens. It's probably going to be super-creased, but I don't care. At one of his worst moments, he called me. Bella.

And I came.

I was always going to come.

We've hugged, sure; held hands and laid facing each other; I even kiss his cheeks and forehead now... but this is the first time I've actually held him. I just hold him, even as he sleeps. I want him to feel safe. I want him to feel as if nobody can touch or hurt him while he's in my embrace, protected from the nasty world.

I lie perfectly still as he sleeps, my hand the only thing moving along his back. All he's wearing is a t-shirt and sweatpants. I can feel the tension in his muscles, even in sleep, and I want to do all I can to make it better. I just don't know how I'm supposed to do that.

Esme comes to check on us after a while. If she's surprised to find us on his bed, wrapped around each other; she doesn't say so.

"Are you staying for dinner?" she asks, whispering.

I just nod, and then she leaves. I close my eyes and enjoy this moment; when I know where he is and that he's safe. There are things we're definitely going to have to deal with after this, but I know we can't discuss it today.

When Edward does awake, he's in a panic. It takes me a moment to calm him, and then he lets out a long breath and relaxes into his duvet. Despite the fact he's been asleep for a few hours; he still looks exhausted. He's also chalky white, and his skin is cold to touch.

"How long have I been out?" he asks, pinching the bridge of his nose, his eyes tightly closed.

I touch his forehead, trying to coax his eyes open. "Not long enough, it seems," I say. "Do you have a headache?"

"Uh huh."

I run my fingers through the hair on top of his head, before I rise and head into his bathroom. He still has his painkillers from when he broke his arm, so I grab the bottle from the counter, fill a glass of water, and then head back to his room. He's sitting now, but his eyes are still closed. I move to sit in front of him, bending one leg and tucking it under my body.

"Here," I say.

His eyes open and he awards me with a grateful smile. "What would I do without you?" he asks, taking the glass and the pills from me.

What would he do without me?

What would I do without him?

It's something I've been forced to think about. I can't even imagine what my life would be like if we weren't friends. I don't want to imagine a life where we didn't know each other the way we do. I realized today I need him, in a way I've never needed anyone else before, and it's terrifying.

He downs the entire glass and then sets everything on his nightstand.

"Better?" I ask.

He raises his eyebrows. "I just took it."

"I meant the water, silly," I say, slapping his knee.

"Give it a minute," he says quietly, as he lies back down, his legs moving to rest on mine. Maybe he doesn't know just how heavy he is, because I'm forced to scoot out from under him, and shift to his right side.

Once I'm settled, I take a moment to study him. It's amazing, really, how much he's changed since we first started this thing. Both on the inside and the outside. I don't even realize his eyes are open, until he clears his throat.

"What?" he asks, noticing the way I've been staring.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He sighs. "I'd like to talk about anything else."

I take a moment to think about a safe topic of discussion, and eventually decide on something relatively safe. "Uh, what would constitute a 'perfect' day for you?" I ask.

He regards me for a moment, clearly surprised. "I don't know," he says. "My days are generally filled with a lot of swimming, Bella."

I frown. "Indulge me, Cullen."

He sighs, biting his bottom lip as he thinks. "I think I'd like to spend the day doing nothing," he says. "Watching movies, eating pizza, and drinking milkshakes."

I smile slightly. "But we do that all the time, Edward," I remind him.

His eyes meet mine. "Then you've answered your own question."

I try not to react to the fact he's just stated that I'm a part of his perfect day, but I can feel my traitorous blush blooming over my cheeks.

"What is your perfect day?" he asks.

"Would you be offended that my perfect day involves me and only me?"

He laughs lightly. "It's your perfect day, Bella. Why would I be offended?"

I feel suitably ridiculous, but I push through it anyway. "I think I'd like to take a day off, drive out somewhere, and just enjoy the sunshine and nature. Maybe read a book." I smile slightly. "I guess I'd just want to be outside. I miss the sun."

"I don't think I've ever experienced a lot of sun," he says. "We've lived in only cold-ish places. Vancouver, Toronto... Seattle."

I just nod.

"I guess then, if you look at it that way, you don't quite miss what you've never had," he mumbles, and I figure he's thinking about his mother just from the faraway look in his eyes.

I continue talking. "I was born in Columbus, you know, but we lived in Phoenix for six months just after Riley was born so my dad could finish law school. I don't remember much of it, but I do recall it being very hot. I was so not ready for this Seattle weather."

He smiles at me. "Don't lie, you love it."

"Is that what you think, huh, Cullen?"

He nods. "You're usually here when it's raining."

I return his smile, and we look at each other for a long, charged moment. I eventually and forcibly break the silence because everything about today is a little too much for me to handle. Even as I think about the reasons why, the next question that leaves my mouth doesn't help at all. "Where would you go on your honeymoon?" I ask, and, from his facial expression, I can tell it's something he's never really thought about before.

"Uh."

"Anywhere in the world, Edward."

He takes a moment to think. "I don't want to be boring."

"Just tell me," I say. "I already know you like vanilla milkshakes and pepperoni pizza. Where would you go?"

He lets out a light laugh, and my stomach does a flip-flop. "Okay, just, exotically, I'd probably want to go to Bali," he tells me. "But, really, I'd want to go to Vancouver. I know it's lame, but I like the idea of taking my new wife there, and experiencing it all with her."

I look at him for a long moment. "It's really special to you, isn't it?"

He nods. "It is, yeah. It's one of my favorite places on Earth."

"Why?" I ask. I'm definitely not going to pass up this opportunity to learn more about Edward's childhood. He's in a very talkative mood. Maybe it's the drugs.

"Why," he echoes, visibly thinking. "I can't be sure if it's to do with the actual city," he starts. "I just - it's the last place I truly felt like I belonged. I mean, I know I was only there until I was four, and I shouldn't even remember much, but I do. It's the last place I felt truly secure; safe, loved unconditionally and happy." He can't look at me. "I reckon it's also the place where I fell in love with the water. I dream about the waves sometimes."

There's something about the way he talks about Vancouver that makes me want to go there, just to feel what he's describing. I don't think there's a person in this world who wouldn't want to feel happy, safe, secure and loved.

"Where would you go?" he asks me, returning the question.

I barely wait a moment before I respond. I know exactly where I'm going, and my groom has no say in the matter. "Kenya."

He smiles at me. "There you go again with your sun. Some of us get sunburnt, you know?"

"It's why they invented sunblock, Edward."

"But then why do they have indoor pools, Bella?"

This conversation makes absolutely no sense, but it puts me at ease. I don't miss the way he relaxes at the sound of our ridiculous banter as well.

We're okay.

Well, maybe we're not right now, but we will be.


Edward's smile practically splits his face when I see him after his first day back at training. It's measured training, of course, but he's definitely at his happiest when he's in the water. Despite his good mood, there's still something off with him, though I can't put my finger on what it is.

Edward's father placed Felix on Edward duty, which basically means the older man is responsible for ensuring Edward strictly follows the new training program, and that he eats properly. He definitely won't be able to sneak anything in or out without Felix knowing. He pretends to be irritated by it, but I know him well enough to know he's secretly relieved.

His mood gets progressively better as the days go by, and I'm just glad to have him back. The car accident did something to him, but he's slowly coming back to us. At least, that's what Esme says whenever I see her. I don't even want to think about what watching your son work himself ragged does to a parent.

Angela's been keeping an extra close eye on him as well. As soon as she found out he collapsed from exhaustion, she's been keeping track of everything he eats when he's in the dining hall. Any other time, I would find it annoying, but I'm secretly relieved. I'm as much invested in his food maintenance as she is, though I'll never say so.

"That's a lot of pasta," she comments from time to time, and I can only laugh. The boy really does love his pasta.

And I'm the one with Italian ancestors.

"Come on," I tell her. "I need to visit the bathroom before class."

She slides my tray towards her, and the two of us see out our routine. I'm aware of the look Alice gives me, but I ignore it. She's been asking a lot of questions with her eyes these days, and it's starting to annoy me. Clearly, she sees something, so why won't she just come out and say it?

Mr. Banner's classroom is still empty when I enter, which is a relief. I just need a moment. I guess I've been so focused on Edward's health, and on his happiness, that I've missed a few things with regards to Jake and my family - and myself. I told myself I was going to get my priorities in order, but I've done a bang-up job of that so far.

I move to sit down at our station and take out my phone. The text I send is simple. I miss my boyfriend, and I want to see him. That, at least, is the truth. I do miss him, and I do want to see him. I ignore the part of my brain that tells me that I don't miss him nearly enough as I probably should.

Jake and I make plans as the class starts to fill up after the bell. Apparently, he misses me too. I wonder if he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear, or if he means it. He's busy, and I'm busy. We're going to have to make time for each other if this is ever going to work, and I'm pretty sure I do want it to -

"Guess where I'm going."

I look up from my phone at the smiling face of Edward Cullen. He's standing over our table, sporting that mischievous look he sometimes wears. "Where are you going?" I ask.

He spins around me, and settles himself into his seat. "Columbus, Ohio," he says, and my eyes widen.

"What?"

He nods, his smile growing. "I'm going."

I blink. "I'm confused."

"I just got clearance to go, Bella," he says, leaning towards me. "I'm going to the National Championships. I mean, the doctors gave me clearance, but only for four events. Kevin thinks I should just focus on those from now on anyway, which I think is a good idea. I don't feel as if I'm up to my best, but I'm - " he stops. "What? What's wrong?"

"You're going to Ohio?" I whisper.

He gives me a curious look before he nods. "I am, yeah," he says. "Maybe I can even meet your family while I'm down there."

My eyes widen at the thought, and he leans back.

"Unless... you don't want me to," he says carefully, his eyebrows rising.

"It's not that I don't want you to meet my family, Edward," I tell him, forcing my voice to remain even. "It's the other people I'm worried about."

It takes a moment for realization to hit him, and his features soften. "Are you referring to the maybe reason why your family left Ohio?" he asks, his voice soft.

I nod.

His hand reaches for mine, but he stops himself. We're at school. We're not supposed to be the kind of friends who touch. I think he growls in annoyance, but I can't be sure. "Okay," he says. "I won't meet your family."

The idea of him meeting them does warm my heart, but I can't help the fear I feel. I've tried so hard to keep Seattle separate from Ohio. The last thing I want is for what happened there to sully this life the Swan family is living here.

"No," I say. "You should. They'd probably love you."

He looks skeptical. "Bella?"

"Edward."

He smiles at me. "Why do you think they'd love me?"

"Because I lo - " I stop. Nope. No no no. We're not going anywhere near that word. Things are complicated enough.

Edward leans towards me again. "I'm sorry, Swan. I didn't quite catch that. What did you say?"

I shake my head.I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with the idea of him being in Columbus.

"Did you finish the write-up?" I ask, trying to distract him. It's the second one this month, and I can already tell Mr. Banner is gearing up for a busy last few weeks before Christmas Break.

He also shakes his head. "Don't change the subject," he says, wagging a finger at me. "Why would they love me?"

I swallow audibly. "Edward."

"They'd love me because of my name?"

My eyes narrow.

"Or... They'd love me because you love me?" He says it so smugly, and so sweetly, that the breath in my throat catches. Seven months on and, yes, I feel something strong enough to call 'love.'

"Don't flatter yourself," I say anyway, because I don't think I'm ready to bring that emotion into our friendship quite yet. I'm scared of it, really, because it can quickly consume a person.

I should know.

Heck, I haven't even told Jake I love him. The thing is I don't know if I do but, even if I did, I don't think I would tell him. It'd reveal too much; it'd give him too much power.

"When do you go?" I ask.

"First week of December," he replies easily.

"Isn't that, like, yesterday?"

He nods, as he settles deeper into his seat and takes out his books. We're in the middle of cell biology right now, which is a lot, but still very interesting. Edward took some time to catch up with the work after he collapsed, but now he's fully up to speed.

"Can I tell you something?" he asks, looking at me again.

I know he knows he can tell me anything.

His voice drops in volume. "I need to see Kate," he says. "All of it kind of feels unreal at the moment, you know? Like, it's just this thing that's a part of my life that isn't real." He frowns, looking a little disturbed. "I don't think I'm a very good boyfriend, to be honest."

I have no idea what to say to him.

"So, I was banking on these Championships to see her," he continues; "which I think is part of the reason why I was so distraught." He runs a hand through his hair, but he doesn't say anything more, which prompts me to ask the question.

"And now how do you feel?"

His brow furrows. "I guess I'm excited and, uh, relieved."

It's as if he's just catching himself, and he doesn't like what he's feeling.

"Nervous," he adds. "I need to see her, but I'm not sure I want to." He lets out a humorless laugh. "We should probably talk about this later."

I don't disagree with him as we settle in for class. He's a little distracted, and I suspect it's to do with the talk about Kate. If he claims not to be a good boyfriend, then what kind of girlfriend am I? When I'm with Edward, I don't feel as if I'm in a relationship with someone else, and my significant other is actually in the city.

This whole thing is just so messed up, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. Going back to not being Edward's friend is not an option.

We don't get around to talking about Kate. Well, he doesn't talk to me about it, but I learn he has talked to somebody about it from Angela the very next day.

"Okay," Angela says, dropping down into her seat at our table in the dining hall. Her tray makes a significant sound, and her plate just has fries doused in ketchup. Nutritious. Also, it's something we don't see eye to eye about. The sauce is supposed to go on the side; not all over the fries. Seriously.

"Okay, what?" Alice asks.

Angela looks distraught, borderline devastated. "I just found out the worst news."

"Is this about Edward Cullen?" Alice presses.

"When isn't it?" Jasper asks, sounding sour.

I don't know what his problem is with Edward, and I've never asked. After the night of my birthday dinner, he'd been quiet about Edward. I think he was uncomfortable with talking badly about Edward's not being there when he'd been in an accident on his way to the restaurant.

"This is important," Angela says. "So, I was sitting behind Jessica and Lauren, right? And they were discussing what they'd heard Edward Cullen and Rosalie Hale talking about..." she trails off, her eyes widening. She suddenly turns to look at me. "Did you know Edward Cullen has a girlfriend?"

My eyes widen. "Wha - "

Her eyes narrow. "You did, didn't you?"

I blink. "He may have mentioned her once or twice," I inform her.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I look at Alice and Jasper for help, but they offer me none. I'm not even surprised. "I don't know," I admit. "I didn't want to break your heart." God, Edward is going to find this bloody hilarious when I tell him.

Also.

Well, logically, I know Edward talks to other people, but I can't help but wonder if he talks about the things he talks to me about with other people. I feel something ugly twist inside of me, and I forcefully push it down. It is not jealousy. It's not.

Angela glares at me for a moment. "And then, well, I went onto Facebook to check. I needed to make sure, and I found all these things about a girl named Katherine Kincade." She shakes her head. "Is that her?"

I nod.

"Do you know what she looks like?" she asks me.

I saw her on TV, during the Youth Olympic Games, but I can't recall ever paying enough attention. I didn't know I was supposed to be looking at her when Edward was right there.

Angela uses my silence to pull out her phone and open her Facebook App. "Look," she says, practically shoving the phone in my face. "She's so pretty; it's not even fair. And she's a senior."

I take the phone from her and move it away so I can see properly. I immediately wish I didn't. "Oh," I say.

Angela nods. "What did I say?" she asks pointedly. "I mean, if you were to type 'beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed bombshell' into Google; her picture would come up right next to Jasper's."

I laugh, because I won't allow myself to feel anything else.

"Thank you," Jasper says with a smirk, and Alice just smiles.

I'm a little uncomfortable with all this talk about Edward and Kate. He was right when he said it doesn't feel real, because it doesn't. The reality is he has a girlfriend, and I have a boyfriend. He liked me a long time ago, but that's gone now. It shouldn't even be a problem.

But it feels like it is.

I'm making it one.

A big one.

When I get home, I sit down at my desk and consider what I'm about to do. I don't have Facebook. I did once, but I got rid of it before the move to Seattle. I didn't want anyone to be able to find me. I didn't want them to have access to me.

Riley doesn't have an account either. As my brother, he decided he didn't want to deal with it either, though I suspect that's going to change soon. As a freshman, I figure he's going to have to embrace social media if he's going to survive.

I know I should feel bad, but I'm ignoring everything as I open Facebook, and log in using Angela's credentials. She's a little too trusting for her own good, and she told me her password because she was worried she might forget it.

I haven't.

I reason this is okay because I'm not actually going to do anything. I'm just going to look.

Also, it isn't as if she hasn't used Facebook on my computer before. I go straight to Edward's profile, which I suspect is a frequent search of Angela's. She's a professional at 'stalking' Edward.

His profile picture is one of him and Seth in their USA tracksuits. His hair is its usual mess, his arm is draped over Seth's shoulders, and he's wearing the sort of smile that makes my heart stutter. I think I can count on only one hand the number of times I've seen him truly happy, and I think this is one of those times.

He doesn't post all that much, but others do. Seth, Jane, Rosalie, Emmett, Jared, Leah, Carmen, and Kate. Katherine Kincade. My cursor hovers over her name for a moment as I contemplate my next move. I don't even know what I'm doing.

I click anyway.

Angela showed me her picture, but I'm still caught off guard. It's a candid shot of her and a little boy, laughing at something, and it just irritates me. Of course, she would look that good without even trying.

Jesus.

I scroll down her wall, and her most recent post is surprising and also not at the same time. I absently note she should probably check her privacy settings, before I realize she's a public figure... well, she's going to be, if she keeps swimming.

It's a picture of her and Edward. They're posing, him behind her, with his arms wrapped around her waist. They're both smiling, and I have to squash the irrational fear that she'll end up taking him away from me.

.

Katherine Kincade (Kate) with Edward Cullen
I get to see this handsome boy soon! I'm counting down the days... can't hardly wait :D

There is a line of comments below it, and like a billion likes.

Edward Cullen: This handsome boy can't wait either! How I've missed you :*

Seth Miller: Ew. Gross.

Edward Cullen: Shut up, Loser. Just because you're single doesn't mean you have to spread the hate.

Seth Miller: Should I expect to find a scrunchie on our room door?

Edward Cullen: Who's being gross now?

Edward Cullen: How do you even know what a scrunchie is, pansy?

Katherine Kincade (Kate): I feel like all I do is tell you boys to find other places to have these unnecessary conversations. Seriously. Stop.

Edward Cullen: Sorry, Sweets. We will have our inappropriate conversation elsewhere, won't we, Seth Miller?

Edward Cullen: Ten days and counting.

Seth Miller: Sigh. Fine. We will.

Katherine Kincade (Kate): Thank you! Love you both :*

.

I blink. Love? Who said anything about Love? I shift in my seat, my discomfort from earlier rising to the surface.

This is a terrible idea.

I read on.

.

Katherine Kincade (Kate)
Baby brother's first tooth is OUT! Hopefully, the tooth fairy will be generous ;)

.

So, the little boy in her profile picture is her little brother.

.

Garrett Michael Smith to Katherine Kincade (Kate)
John's ditching me at the Championships. Dean's hygiene is suspect. So... be my roommate, please? ;) Haha just kidding, Edward Cullen would definitely kill me!

Edward commented on this post as well, and I can't stop myself.

Edward Cullen: Don't you know it ;) What about Justin Coles? We both know how much he loves you!

Justin Coles: Edward and your spice. You're lucky you're all the way across the country right now.

Edward Cullen: I don't know what you're talking about ;)

Katherine Kincade (Kate): Seriously? There isn't anywhere else you could be having this unnecessary conversation other than my wall?

Katherine Kincade (Kate): Kidding. But please go.

.

There isn't a reply to her comment, so I imagine they did continue their conversation somewhere else, or not at all. I take a moment to recall if Edward ever told me about a Justin. It comes to me a minute later, when I remember that Garrett is the one who replaced Justin on the Youth Olympic Games team. Damn. Edward is spicy!

The next post is Edward writing on her wall.

.

Edward Cullen to Katherine Kincade (Kate)
Okay. I stand corrected. Parenthood IS the best new show of this year (though The Walking Dead is right up there). I may or may not have cried like a baby in this last episode. So, thank you for that.
Also, I miss you quite terribly. Tell me again, when am I seeing you?

.

I feel as if I'm getting access to an Edward he's never shown me. Sure, he's mischievous, playful and funny, but this feels different. He's hidden so much of his relationship with Kate from me, and I wonder if that's by design.

Why would he do that?

I sigh.

Why wouldn't he?

I hide my relationship with Jake from him as much as he hides his with Kate.

.

Katherine Kincade (Kate)
Casual visit to the Washington Monument. School trips really are the best: educational AND fun.

Edward, once again, commented on this post.

Edward Cullen: My cute little nerd :* Sounds like you're having a blast - I'm a little jealous. Come visit me :P

.

I read a few more posts, words exchanged and sweet nothings, before I lean back and try to figure out what the problem is. There must be because this horrid feeling that I'm sick - like, let's bar-them-from-proceedings kind of sick - just won't leave me.

Something is wrong.

With me.

I take a deep, calming breath, move my mouse to log out, and exit the window. Another breath later, I reach for my phone, pull up his contact and call.

He answers a moment later. "Babe? Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine," I lie. Then: "Do you want to come over?"