Emily listened to the the therapist who specialized in patients with traumatic brain injuries go through the list of possible emotional side effects of her head injury, and the warning signs of depression, which was astronomically high after something like this. Emily absorbed everything the therapist said. She made a promise to check in with herself, but it really wasn't where her mind was at.

After four days awake in the hospital with frequent visits from the BAU team, she wasn't worried about how her friends or Derek perceived her now, she wasn't worried about her limitations at the moment because they got better every day. She attacked herself like a profiler as well; she understood she was loved, she was safe and this would all take time. That therapist wasn't what she needed because she was pretty certain if she'd said, "Actually, what I need to talk about is the traumatic sexual experiences I had with a brutal criminal I was profiling while assuming a different identity, and, during that time, I started loving his son like a mother would," the therapist would have run for the hills.

After that, Derek helped her choose a therapist at the FBI who specialized in people who'd done undercover work; Dr. Kelley was willing to come to their home. In fact, Hotch came by on her second to last evening in the hospital and told her that the FBI was willing to pay for whatever she wanted in terms of rehabilitation. Apparently when one takes some shrapnel in the brain and the result is taking down a terror cell who had far worse plans than killing a few hundred people in a store at the mall, the federal government rolled out the red carpet. She'd be keeping her same physical and speech therapists, who would come to their home and work with her every other day.

In her last two days at the hospital, she came to think of her memories in two different ways: Real recollections and sense memory.

Real recollections where things like remembering laughing with Derek, or remembering writing in her journal. Or how when Reid finally came by for that chess game, and they decided to play poker instead so Derek could join in, she once again gasped and then smiled at Reid. "I drew a full house with three cards on you once, jacks over threes." And Reid had hugged her and laughed and talked about improbabilities, and how she was the living and breathing proof to never play the odds all of the time. Emily noticed Derek looking very excited and hopeful when she recalled this memory. When she asked him why later, he told her that that night had been their first time, but no matter how much she tried to remember, she couldn't.

Sense memories were the memories that had no context, like that her favorite breakfast food was from Bennington's or knowing JJ played soccer. Or how it felt like everything good in the universe radiated within her body when Derek touched her face or gently brushed his lips against hers.

On Friday morning, Fran was at the house where a plumber was installing a lower hand-held shower head and some railing on the shower wall. Though Emily could stand, a shower could be slippery and sitting was still safest for her. Who knew what a fall and a bump on the head would do; they were playing it safe. Derek had to go to Quantico to turn in his leave of absence and sign some paperwork; he wasn't planning to return to work until January. Emily was officially on disability, which was something she hated, but she accepted. Her head was just too full to dwell on things she couldn't change.

It was JJ who came that morning to the hospital and stayed with her, even though Emily insisted she'd be fine for a few hours. But Derek's point was valid: if a memory came to her, he wanted someone there who could answer her questions. JJ brought breakfast for them and comfortably sat on the foot of Emily's bed, facing her, telling her about Will and Henry. Emily listened and smiled and regarded her for a long time.

"How much you know abou Oyle?" she asked JJ.

"Maybe a little more than the others did back then because I was the one who flew with you to Paris after you recovered from your injuries, and helped set you up with your aliases so you could stay hidden. But you didn't talk much about him, except how he branded you. I did most of the talking on that trip because I was doing highly classified work for the State Department at the time. No one knew, not even Will. But I confided in you because it was safe. Who could you possibly tell while playing dead?" JJ finished that last sentence with a smirk and wink, trying to keep the mood light.

Emily smiled, but she'd spent quite a bit of time in her head thinking about how she'd lied to these people who so completely cared about her, and how that lying had likely shaped several years of her life in a way that started off as good, since she'd gotten her fresh start and let them in and started a relationship with Derek during that time. But it obviously ended pretty terribly after Doyle escaped from prison. Through the blankness in her mind, that was what she was able to deduce.

She reached over and grabbed the journal on the table beside her and handed it to JJ, who gave her a small, sweet smile before opening it up and starting to read. Emily looked at the iPad and opened up a new game of Sudoku, settling in against the pillows.

After about fifteen minutes of reading about Emily's time with Interpol, JJ chuckled. "Holy shit, Em. I asked you once, a few months after you started with us, how you came off a desk job and never blinked at some of the horrors we saw, and you said you just compartmentalized better than most people. Now it makes sense. Part of me can't imagine you doing this stuff, and then another part of me can totally see you being all covert operations and bad ass."

JJ laughed again and shook her head. Emily was amazed at how Derek, and now JJ, were just taking this all in stride. Suddenly, a very clear image came to Emily. "You were in a bathroom in a house?" she asked.

JJ's eyes opened wide and she looked excited, "Yes!"

"There were d..d..dogs?"

JJ shivered and said yes again. Emily looked down sadly. She typed on the iPad and hit the speaker button. "I remember. I remember feeling so bad about lying to you about my background because you were scared, and I just wanted to tell you that I remembered being scared like that before, too."

JJ reached forward and placed a hand on Emily's knee. "It's OK, Em. I had to lie for a long time, and it bit me in the ass, too. You flew in from London to help save me."

"Lonon?" Emily asked, and JJ looked at her like she wished she could have taken that last sentence back.

With a deep sigh, JJ started talking. "After Doyle resurfaced and Declan was in trouble and you came back from the dead, you returned to the BAU for about nine months. But things were off for you, and I didn't know it then, but things were very off for you and Derek. You never fully settled back in with us. Clyde Easter offered you the opportunity to run the London office and you took it. You were gone for about two and a half years."

Emily could only stare. This was a bit too much information to process - that she'd left, that she'd gone back to Interpol, that she was head of the London office. That when she probably knew she needed to be honest and talk about Doyle in order to work through things, she'd run away rather than dealing with it. Again.

She wanted to know how she got back to DC, but that was something she would talk with Derek about since it seemed obvious that it involved him. There was one piece of the puzzle that made more sense with what JJ said: Clyde had seemed very different with her when he showed up at the hospital - kinder, gentler, like he knew her much better than he did before. What she couldn't make sense of was the fact that he seemed to know about how she felt about Derek; she couldn't imagine a situation where she would open up to him about something like that.

She typed, "Do you know how Clyde knew about me and Derek?"

JJ looked uncomfortable. "Yes. You told me about it after you moved back. But, Emily, I think this might be better coming from Derek."

Emily took in how JJ looked and what she'd just said and a possibility came to her that she couldn't even fathom. She typed, "Please tell me that I did not have a personal relationship with Clyde Easter."

JJ cringed and relented. "I wouldn't exactly call it a relationship. That's not how you described it to me. Your exact words were, 'It was a sorry attempt at screwing the loneliness and sadness away.' But Easter was the one who figured out how you felt about Derek. He encouraged you to contact Derek and was happy for you when you came back."

More staring and blinking followed. This really was too much, and she wanted the rest of the story from Derek. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back. But after a moment she laughed lightly. She leaned forward and typed, "That is one memory I won't miss if it never comes back. I can't even imagine."

JJ laughed, too, and patted her knee again and went back to reading. It was quiet for a very long time and Emily tried to focus on the game on the iPad instead of letting herself wonder about what an absolute mess she must have been to finally let Clyde Easter in her pants.

She became aware of JJ sniffling about an hour later and looked up. JJ closed the journal and wiped her eyes. She said essentially the same thing Derek had told her.

"You running when you heard Doyle was after you instead of talking to the team makes so much more sense now. I'm so sorry that all happened to you, Emily."

Emily realized that even without most of her memories, the truth was setting her free in a lot of ways. She could conceptualize how it must have hurt the group of them, the fallout of Doyle escaping and everything that happened after. And though it seemed like JJ and Derek had gotten over it, knowing and having a deeper understanding was still very helpful.

And with the truth out there, she found herself absent of her flight response - she wasn't going to run from this again. She was going to deal with it and get through it. Finally.


Eight days after her injury, on Saturday afternoon, Derek drove her home. She'd debated asking him about what their house was like, but ultimately decided she just wanted to investigate it on her own. Fran was hanging out with Penelope that afternoon and evening so they could have some time alone.

Emily walked into the entryway and looked around, in awe. She didn't remember ever living anywhere that really felt like a home like this, and this place screamed the word. It was nice, and very comfortable. Warm. It made you want to sit on the sofa and let it wrap its arms around you.

The first single thing that caught her eye was a picture on the entryway table. It wasn't framed, just laying there - her and Derek with a backdrop of trees in their full fall glory behind them.

"We went to Vermont for your birthday. We had that picture blown up, but we hadn't gotten around to getting a frame for it yet."

Emily had a hard time tearing herself away from their smiling faces, their relaxed body language, the very realness of them both.

She moved her eyes around the living room and then walked to the kitchen and dining area, taking it in. Derek didn't seem to know quite what to do, whether to just let her look or explain. He kept a gentle hand on her back.

"There's a half bathroom back there opposite the pantry in case you're downstairs and need to go to the bathroom. My mom had a hand rail put in there as well, just in case."

On her second pass through the living room, Emily found a few things she recognized - art work she'd had for a long time. She also walked to the bookshelf and found some of her favorite books that she always kept with her when she moved. There were a couple more framed pictures of the two of the looking just as happy; one in the snow where they'd been skiing based on the gear visible, and one on a sandy beach somewhere. But with each step she was getting a little more discouraged. She'd hoped that memories would rush back at her when she walked in the door, but so far there was nothing.

They made their way upstairs and Derek showed her their bedroom. She walked around the room and Derek showed her where her things were in the dresser. He opened the walk-in closet and Emily stepped in to look.

"As you can see, I don't have a lot of real estate in there," he said, and she smiled at that.

She touched her clothes and looked at her shoes and tried to absorb that she'd worn and purchased these things and had no memory of it. She turned to Derek.

"This is very..." she paused and shook here head. It was weird, and a little frightening, and totally overwhelming. It made her instantly exhausted, like she just wanted to close her eyes and let her subconscious file through her feelings while she was sleeping because she couldn't do it while she was awake.

Derek stepped forward and wrapped her in a gentle hug, "I know it's a lot take in, but you're here and this is your home and it will start feeling more comfortable over time."

Emily wrapped her arms around him and whispered, "I know. I think a nap."

"OK, Em."

He lead her to the bed, sat her down, and knelt to untie and remove her shoes. Emily immediately laid down on her left side and Derek went around to the other side of the bed and laid down facing her. He touched her cheek and whispered, "I'm so happy you're home." Then he settled his hand on top of her right hand where it rested on the bed. "Is this OK?" he asked.

Emily nodded and slowly blinked her eyes. Derek must have been just as emotionally exhausted as she was, maybe even more because he'd sacrificed much of his own sleep this past week and had ridden the wave of emotions and fear right along with her. Whatever the case, his eyes shut and remained so before hers did.

She wasn't sure how long they slept. At least a few hours; she could see through the window that it was dusk. She took in Derek's face and suddenly there was a memory there, the kind of memory she desperately wanted. As she'd found to be the case over the past couple of days, she was much more articulate when she first woke up and felt well-rested. She didn't even stumble over the "D."

"Derek," she whispered with tears in her eyes.

His eyes snapped open and he was instantly blinking back tears of his own. "You said my name."

Until that moment, she didn't know just how much he was waiting for that. She smiled and said it again, she put together the words, she only sounded moderately drunk to her own ears. "Derek, I remember. We were in a car. I was asleep. I opened my eyes and I was happy because you were there."

Derek's smile had been widening the entire time she talked, "You opened your eyes and they filled with tears. I asked you what was wrong and you said nothing, that it had just been a very long time since you'd woken up and mine was the first face you saw and that it made you feel alive."

Emily nodded.

"JJ told me she told you about going to run the Interpol office in London. That was the day you came back, Em."

"I know. I remember. First t..time I ran t..to something good."