Female Hawke mage, eventual Fenris romance. Rated M for language, violence, sexual content, and suggestive themes. This is my first piece of fan fiction, so reviews are welcome and hoped for.

Hawke returns from the Deep Roads and all is not well…

Bioware owns all…

The Unbearable Darkness of Being

"You'll do it, won't you, Sis?"

My fault, my fault, my fault. I didn't see it. How could I not see it?Hawke cursed herself over and over again as she looked into her brother's blighted eyes. They were fevered and glassy and seemed to draw in the light and reflect it back. Hawke choked on a sob. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Carver was supposed to kill her. They'd prepared for it; they'd agreed! It wasn't supposed to be like this. She dropped her head against his chest and nodded. How could she do any less? She was only vaguely aware of Aveline leading Varric away to give them some privacy.

"I should have listened to Mother." Hawke said miserably, sitting beside her brother.

"I would have hated you forever if you'd left me behind."

"But you'd be alive! You could hate me as much as you want and I wouldn't care so long as you were safe! Everything I've done - I only wanted to protect you. Back in Lothering…" Her voice broke. She couldn't continue.

"Selene…" Carver said, gently. "After everything we've been through, after all this time, if it's still too much for you to talk about, I think maybe it's better that I don't know. You are the strongest person I know. If you cannot even speak of it, I think I would not rest peacefully with the truth. But I hope you'll tell someone someday. You are drowning yourself in loneliness, Selene, and there are people who would care for you if you let them."

Selene studied Carver's strong profile. He had resented her, it was true, and she had earned it. But she never doubted his love for her. How many times had he saved her life? She would never forget that night a month after Carver had carried her home.

The moon was high, and bright enough to diminish the stars. An icy wind lashed Selene's hair against her face and pebbled her skin as she ran, barefoot, into the night. She did not stop until she was waist deep in the frozen pond just outside the city.

Tears ran silent and cold down her face as she examined the glass blade of her athame. A scratch on the finger would be enough, it was poisoned so heavily. It was cruel to her family, she knew, but she just couldn't stay here any longer. When her dreams were not haunted by nightmares of her abduction, she was plagued by demons and spirits alike, offering her the power to exact her revenge, the power to make sure nothing like this would ever happen again. When she resisted they dug through her memories, forcing her to relive it all and offering relief once again. She couldn't get away from it. There was nowhere to run. The black blade flashed in the moonlight as she raised it over her wrist.

"You only get one life, you know." A voice called from the shore. Carver. "I never figured you'd take the easy way out." Those were the first words he'd spoken to her since he stormed from the room the day she came home. He was walking toward her slowly, cautiously entering the icy water.

"Every night, Carver. Every night demons wait for me to sleep. It's getting harder and harder to fight them. What do you think will happen if I fail? Who will stand against me?"

"I will. I will not let them have you." He pried the dagger from her frozen grasp. "I'm going to keep this and carry it with me. From now on I go where you go. I will protect you, Selene, from the world, from yourself. I will protect the world from you. You don't have to be afraid anymore because I will do what I must. But it doesn't need to be done now. I do not believe you survived to die now."

Selene stared u at him, speechless. Was this really her little brother? He'd become a man when she wasn't looking. She collapsed against his chest and cried until there was nothing left but great, empty sobs. What manner of monster was she to force such a promise from him?

He had resented her, opposed her at every turn, but he never left her side, guarding her, sleeping and awake. To this day she was besought by demons, but Carver was always there. Her brother. Her Shield.

"I'm sorry, Carver. I'm sorry for bringing you here. I'm sorry for killing you."

"I asked for this, Selene. I asked for all of it. It's not your fault. Bethany wasn't your fault. None of it was. You were just caught in it like the rest of us."

My fault, my fault, my fault… Her mind chanted at her. She folded her arms around him. "Thank you, little brother. That means a lot to me."

"It's just you now. Take care of Mother." Selene nodded, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. One hand moved to cradle the back of his head. "I'm ready, Selene. Do it."

A broken sob forced its way out of her. "I love you, Carver. I promise it won't hurt."

"I love you too, sister." He handed her the athame. "Try to live."

"I will." Carver looked peaceful, then. More like the boy he was back in Lothering. Selene burned that image into her mind before a spike of ice burst from her palm, separating his brain from his spinal cord. He went limp in her arms, and she closed his eyes with gentle fingers. She was filled with horror as his lifeblood flowed over her hands and onto her robes, but she could not make herself let him go. She screamed something; she didn't know what it was. She didn't feel attached to her body anymore. This was happening to someone else. This was someone else's heartbreak. She held him, rocking and crying until his body went cold. Then, slowly, she began to gather stones for a makeshift grave. She would not leave him exposed to the darkspawn.

oOo

Varric and Aveline waited nervously for Hawke to return. Aveline was especially nervous. She did not envy her friend this task. Her own experience still haunted her dreams, and after being blamed for her sister's death, Aveline wondered if Hawke could rise to the occasion.

Varric turned his face to the floor, staring inwardly. He should never have approached the Hawkes that day in Hightown. Then they'd both still have brothers. Bartrand would answer for this with his life, that much was certain. It would not be enough. Varric knew he would never be able to atone for this. He had given his already troubled friend one more burden to carry on her slim shoulders. She barely communicated as it was. He worried that grief would swallow her whole.

His fear was confirmed when her anguished scream tore though the passages of the Deep Roads. The sound was barely human, and it rang in Varric's ears so long, he feared it would never leave, that he would wander the rest of his days with Hawke's despair wailing in his mind. He hadn't realized had started moving until he felt Aveline's hand on his shoulder.

"Leave her be for now, Varric." She said.

"She can't - She needs to know we're here for her. She doesn't have to be alone."

"She wants to be alone. Maker, Varric, let her grieve. She will come to us when she's ready. She knows we'll be waiting."

"I don't want to wait; I want to help my friend." Varric growled.

"Well you can't, so quit being so selfish. I don't doubt your concern for her, but right now you just want her to forgive you so you can feel better. Give her time. We have a long way to go yet and there will be plenty of time to talk to her."

Varric wanted to argue, but he couldn't deny the truth of Aveline's words. They sat down to wait. It was two hours before Hawke came shuffling from the room where they'd left her. She didn't look at them, didn't say anything. She just continued on toward the surface. Varric and Aveline exchanged worried frowns before following her.

oOo

Fenris prowled through his mansion, pausing every so often to topple a table or curio cabinet. Hawke's party was more than a week late in returning and his imagination was running wild with worry. He didn't know what he would do if she was dead. A cruel voice inside him asked why it mattered. He didn't know. He only knew that it did matter. Fiercely.

Then Varric had appeared on his doorstep. They'd been back for three days. He explained to Fenris how Carver had died and that Selene had shut herself away. She was barely talking to anyone, preferring to stick with one-word answers. Fenris stood, intending to go to her, but Varric stopped him with the same advice Aveline had forced on him.

"She needs time, Fenris. She will return when she's ready. I just thought you would want to know."

It was another week before he saw her. She arrived at his mansion one night, a pale shadow of her former self. Her eyes were dull, her hair had lost its shine, and she'd lost weight. Her high cheekbones were more prominent, he collarbone poked through her robes. The dark circles under her eyes told him she had missed several of her "sleep days."

"Hawke-"

"Carver's dead." Her voice was flat and emotionless. She didn't look at him. She swayed slightly and allowed Fenris to lead her inside. She moved mechanically, not really looking where she was going, only sitting because that was what was expected of her. She stared at the floor. "I killed him."

Fenris looked at her sharply. "The Blight killed Carver. It was not your fault."

"I was the one who took his life. I am responsible. I should never have brought him down there with me. Mother begged me not to. It's no one's fault but mine."

"You were always together. He would almost certainly have followed you. He made the choice, Selene." Panic filled him when she pulled a wicked looking dagger from her belt and examined it in the candlelight. Volcanic glass, unless he missed his guess, jet black and menacing.

"This is my athame. Carver's carried it for me these four years, ready to do what was necessary when the time came. To him, to you, it's just an ordinary dagger. Just a small scratch would kill me in minutes. I never thought it would turn out like this."

Fenris wanted to snatch the knife away from her and smash it in the fireplace, but at the same time he was proud of her for taking such precautions. She truly understood the danger of her nature. He was sad that it was such a heavy burden for her to bear. "I am sorry, Selene. Carver was a fine man who cared for you deeply. I don't know what to say, but if you need anything, I am here."

Selene took a deep, shuddering breath. "There is something I would ask of you, Fenris, though I am loath to give voice to it. That you may refuse goes without saying…" She trailed off, unable to find the right words.

Fenris rescued her from her discomfort by taking the athame away from her and turning it over in his hands. It felt heavier than it looked, as though its darkness had swallowed the light. "Are you certain you want me to have this, Selene?"

"I need someone I can trust not to hesitate. You would not let me live as an abomination, would you?"

"No, I would not." His voice was hard, but his heart lurched at the thought. He hadn't lied to her, though. He would never allow a demon to possess his little mage. He would become her shield in truth. His envy for Carver faded to sympathy as his determination turned to dread. He'd accepted her athame; Maker send he never had to use it.

"I am sorry, Fenris. I truly do not wish to pass this burden to anyone, but someone must do it. I will continue to fight, but someday I could lose the battle. I am a powerful mage. I do not say this in ego, but because I cannot be allowed to run free as an abomination. The results would be disastrous. From now on you must go where I go and always carry that dagger with you. Are you certain you still wish to take this responsibility?"

"I will not fail you, Hawke."

"I would not have you see it that way. I do not want you to feel obligated to do this. It is a sad thing for you to win your freedom only to tie yourself to me, a mage. So I'll ask you again. Are you certain you want this?"

"You are unlike any mage I've ever known. I don't feel obligated to protect you, Hawke. I want to do it. Since meeting you, I've desired nothing more than to fight at your side. That you carry such a thing is proof that you are worth fighting for." He thought she might be relieved, but he wasn't sure. She was harder to read than ever. This wasn't the same as her mask of serenity. Her eyes had become bottomless pools of nothingness.

"If this duty should ever…chafe, if you should ever wish to move on without me, you are absolutely free to do so. It's important that you know that. Just leave my athame. You are a free man, Fenris. I would not tie a leash to you. I want you to know that I appreciate your presence in my life. In return for your protection, I offer you mine. Not so different from our original agreement, I know, but I will not see you fall in battle. Anything you need from me - anything at all, you have only to speak it and I will see it done. If it is not within my power, I will find a way. Until you send me away, I will remain at your side until Danarius falls at your feet. While there is breath in my body you will never again know that shackles of slavery. No matter what happens, no matter how far, send for me, and I will come. I swear it."

Fenris stared at her in amazement. It was a passionate declaration delivered in a flat, emotionless voice. He did not doubt her, but he felt farther away from her now than when they had first met. It wasn't true, of course. She had put great trust in him, had sought him out to ask for his protection, had asked him to be her constant companion. She had offered him more than he had ever dared to hope. Why didn't it feel right? She sat in the chair across from him, staring at the floor, looking every bit like a broken doll. Carver's death had created a void in Selene that Fenris didn't think could ever be filled. There was one thing he could do for her, at least. He retrieved her guitar case from the place Hawke had stashed it the night before she left, less than a month ago and half a world away. He didn't say anything, just leaned the case against her knee and returned to his chair.

Selene didn't look up, but her slender fingers reached out to caress the smooth leather case. She breathed a heavy sigh and turned her eyes on Fenris for the first time since she arrived. She almost looked like herself for a moment, but it was gone before he could be sure it was ever really there.

"Would you like to come with me to the Wounded Coast? I think it might be good to play for a while."

"I would like that very much."

"It won't be like the other songs you heard. It's-"

"Hawke. Quite trying to scare me away. I'm not afraid of you or your weird lute. Wherever you go, I will follow. I will never be far from you."

"Thank you, Fenris. I am lucky you have found a friend in you." Hawke strapped her guitar to her back and hefted her staff.

oOo

They encountered a band of raiders along the Coast, which they dispatched with relative ease. Fenris was relieved to note that there was nothing mechanical about Hawke on the battlefield. She was as fierce as ever, if not more so. She had grown in power significantly since last he saw her. She seemed hyper-aware of her surroundings, barely needing to look before casting a barrage of spells faster than he could believe. So much for protecting her. Fenris thought sheepishly, realizing most of the kills were hers. Hawke shrugged and continued on her way as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Fenris supposed that was true enough, though. Just another day in the life of Selene Hawke.

She strode ahead purposefully. It was clear she had a specific destination in mind, and before long she had led Fenris through a labyrinth to a clearing that stood high over the sea. The moon was bright and shattered against the water, giving life to rocky spires that reached for the sky. It was a beautiful place, far from Kirkwall and positioned in such a way that they could only be seen by fishermen, and none would dare come too close to these rocky shoals. There was no way in but the path they had taken.

Selene bade Fenris to sit under a willow tree, and before he could stop her, she took a running start and used her staff to vault herself over to one of the closer rock formations, worn flat and smooth by years of wind and rain. She stood there for a long time, holding her guitar and staring at the sky, until Fenris began to wonder if she'd changed her mind. Then he heard a faint rumble of thunder. He could see a storm on the horizon, lightning crackling to reveal boiling cloud formations. The wind rose, cold and electric, and Hawke began to play.

Her guitar was angry and jarring, marching to a strange rhythm as her voice flowed around the sound of it like smoke. Her song cried to the heavens for Carver's return. A tightness formed in Fenris's chest, making it difficult for him to breathe. She played on and on, sharing her despair with the night until Fenris thought he might be swept away with it, never to know the warm comfort of daylight again. And still she was not finished. The wind howled and tore at her robes, the storm whipping itself into a rage around her as she and her guitar screamed their defiance. Lightning flew from her fingertips, and her eyes blazed in the darkness, wild and fierce and angry. Fenris could not ever remember seeing the like of this mage. He had never heard music sound so raw. His friend was bleeding inside, and he was helpless to stem the flow.

The music stopped abruptly, along with the wind. Fenris felt his jaw drop. Hawke had caused that storm? He had known she was powerful, but even Danarius was not strong enough to manipulate the weather in such a way. A strange feeling thrilled through his blood, burning and freezing him at the same time, and Fenris wondered if it was fear or excitement. He hoped it was fear. It would be logical to fear her. After coming from a land of dark magic, where magisters would perform any atrocity to augment their power, he thought he'd seen the extent of what magic could do, and Hawke had outstripped them all with a few songs. It was likely to be at least ten more years before she reached her full potential. And he had sought to tie himself to her. He wondered when exactly he had taken leave of his senses and if he would ever encounter them again. He knew he could walk away and Hawke would understand, but he knew just as surely that he would not. She was his savior and he would never leave her. He would remain at her side in any capacity.

Hawke vaulted herself back to the mainland and stared, blank-faced out over the water. "Carver loved it here." Fenris felt cold at the flat monotone of Hawke's voice. "We came out here almost every day. We disagreed on almost everything, but no matter how angry we got, he would never miss a chance to hear me play."

"He was a good man. It was my honor to know him."

"I am a liar."

"I'm sorry?"

"I am a liar, Fenris. I kept a terrible secret from Carver for years, and when the time came to tell the truth I couldn't do it. The words just stuck in my throat."

"There are always regrets after losing someone close to you." Fenris said, awkwardly. He couldn't speak from personal experience, he couldn't begin to imagine what Hawke was going through; but he had heard someone say those words once and thought it was appropriate.

"I wish he hadn't forgiven me. I didn't deserve it."

"Enough, Hawke. He didn't forgive you so you could torture yourself. I will not hear any more of this. Whatever secret you kept from him doesn't matter anymore because he let it go, and you should, too." He took her by the shoulders and pulled her away from the ledge, but she shrugged him off. "Perhaps I should see you home."

"No." Hawke said, firmly. "Until Danarius is dead, I will be seeing you home, Fenris."

"I thought I was supposed to protect you."

"Demons will not possess me on the walk home."

"And what of Templars?"

"They patrol in pairs. I'm strong enough to handle two. They will not possess me, either." The last came out in a low growl. "Besides, I know you support the order, Fenris. I would not see their blood on your hands."

Didn't she understand? He would see the streets flow with Templar blood to keep her out of their hands. But she knew him and would not ask him to betray his beliefs. Her respect had become the most important thing in the world to him. Even among the other slaves, no one had ever shown him the consideration she had. He didn't understand her. All the power in the world at her fingertips, and she spent her time with apostates, thieves, and slaves. What was she doing?

Hawke watched Fenris from the corner of her eye as he ghosted through the night alongside her. She had been relieved when he accepted her athame, but she sorely regretted offering it to him. All of his known life he had spent trying to escape mages, and she had shackled him as surely as Danarius had. Carver had never been able to find his own way because of her, and now she'd done the same to Fenris.

My fault, my fault, my fault, so sorry, so sorry…Hawke shook her head, trying to clear the thought from her mind, but it was never far from her, always waiting to remind her of what she had done. But Fenris didn't blame her, didn't judge her. He walked silently beside her, studying her with eyes filled with concern. She had handed him a heavy burden already, she didn't want to add to his worry. She would have to try harder. Be stronger.

When they arrived at his door, Fenris looked at Hawke for a long time; watching with growing concern as she struggled to meet his gaze. She tried to put on a brave face, but to him, she looked more broken than ever. "Maker, I hate it when people say this to me, but if you ever want to talk about it…"

Hawke's eyes immediately dropped back to the ground. "I appreciate that, Fenris." She whispered, and turned to face the lonely darkness that awaited her.

"Hawke!" She stopped, but she did not turn around. "I expect to see you here in the morning." She gave him a curt nod and disappeared into the night.

Fenris waited until the click of her heels was barely audible before he followed her. Fenris crept silently in the shadows, keeping as far back from Hawke as he dared. She kept her eyes on the ground, looking neither left nor right, walking in that eerily mechanical way. It was just something she did because her mother was waiting. She kept going because it was her duty, but he didn't think she cared for her own life at all anymore.

She did not appear to notice when a hulking shape stepped out of the shadows. A dagger flashed in the moonlight, and before Fenris could draw his sword, the footpad burst into flames as well as three others that he hadn't seen. She never looked up, never stopped her slow shuffle down the street. She only paused when she reached the man who stepped out of the shadows. She kicked him onto his back and Fenris thought he heard her mutter, "Not enough left to identify." She pulled her pipe from her belt pouch, hit it once, and continued on her way. Fenris followed a little farther back than before. He very much did not want her to mistake him for an enemy.

She arrived at home without further incident, but she did not enter. "Fenris." She called softly, and waited for him to step into the light. "I allowed you to escort me home tonight to soothe your pride. As you can see, I am perfectly capable of walking home alone. Please do not take needless risks on my behalf."

"And when do I get to protect you, Hawke?" He asked, bitterly. She would hand him this duty and then take it away? He would not accept that.

"When I sleep. That is when the danger is the greatest."

"Then you should be sleeping with me. That's not what I meant." Fenris's face heated when he realized what he'd said. Hawke was absent her usual blushes. She stared at him with all the expression of a brick wall, but she cocked her head to the side in a considering way.

"Carver used to sit by my bed while I slept." She said, quietly. She turned her eyes back to the ground and scuffed her boot against a paving stone. "I will let you know when my sleep day comes again. Good night, Fenris. I shall be very cross with you if you are hurt on your way home."

She did not look at him again, only went inside, closing the door behind her with a barely audible click. Fenris had expected her to slam the door hard enough to shake the rafters. She'd clearly been irritated that he disobeyed her; why didn't she lash out? He had just sworn himself to her, was he not worth the trouble of a response? Anger and dejection boiled in him as he made his way home. He'd always hated the mask she wore, but he hated this more because he knew it wasn't a mask. He pounded his fist into the wall until his knuckles were broken and bloody, but pain was a distant thing. Carver had broken his promise. Selene had not returned whole.

He wondered vaguely how he was going to explain his broken hand to her.

End Act 1

Sorry Carver fans, but if this is going to be a tragedy, I say, let's go for it.

Next update coming soon!