I thought about it making them both virgins, but it just didn't seem logical, they are 25 being virgins at that point seemed odd. Even if they are both in love with each other. Hence the no relationships.


March 2018 (a little over 6 months before the wedding)

Ana POV

Sitting in my office sorting out the final paperwork for the merger SGE is currently finalising. It's been an interesting last month, Mia and Ethan announced that their having a baby. Which everyone is ecstatic about, it wasn't planned but they're excited none the less, actually we all are and can't wait to meet the new addition to the family. We've been so busy with work, Christian and I have been getting in at 7 each morning and not leaving until 11 at night. What I really need is a release, in the past month I've barely seen James we've all been so busy with this merger, that it's been hard to find the time to sneak off, even just for a few minutes.

"Hannah, when is my next meeting?" I say through the intercom on my desk.

"You have a meeting in 5 minutes with Mr. Ford."

"I do?"

"Yes, Miss Steele, Mr. Ford called this morning to set it up." Ok?

"Ok. Send him straight in when he gets here."

"Of course, Miss Steele. Do you need anything else?"

"No thank you Hannah that'll be all."

Sure, enough five minutes later in walks James.

"Did you really schedule sex?" I ask slightly amused but James' face falls. Huh?

"No, actually I came to talk."

"You did?"

"Yeah there is something I need to talk to you about." There is?

"What is it this sounds ominous?"

"It is. Ok I am just going to say it…" He trails off. In all the time I have known James he has never once looked remotely frightened, like he does at this moment, but right now he looks terrified.

"What is it?" I prompt.

"Ana, I want more." WHAT?

"James…" I interrupt. He can't. I can't. I am not made for anything more. I… I…

"Just listen. I want more. I want a real relationship, a girlfriend, someone to love. Someone who loves me back." Does that mean he loves me? "But I know that isn't what you want, at least with me. I get it. You can tell yourself that it's because you are too broken to fall in love with anyone, but we both know that's not true, it's because you're in love with someone else, specifically with Christian. Don't even try to deny it!"

"I… I…" I stutter trying to say something. Anything, but I can't find the words.

"No. Don't. I understand."

"You do?"

"Come on, anyone with eyes can see that you are in love with him. I've know that from the beginning, but now I want something more. I've met someone. She's amazing, you would really like her, nothing has happened between us yet. Of that I promise. I wouldn't do that to you or to her."

"I am happy for you James."

"You are?"

"Yes. You deserve to be happy with someone who can treat you like you deserve to be."

"You do too." He says looking at me like I should respond but I don't know what to say.

"Ana, I have known you for three years and the only things I know about you are those few little tidbits that you have shared with me, only out of necessity. You keep people at arm's length because you are afraid to trust anyone because of what happened to you as a child and also because the loss of both your parent's. You also do it because the only person you have truly let in, the only one person whom you truly trust completely is Christian. You're in love with him, but you've convinced yourself that you are not worthy of his love and that he could never look at you that way because you see yourself as unworthy." Stop, don't do this, please.

"James stop." I whisper but he doesn't hear me.

"Ana you are worthy. What that monster did to you has not made you unworthy, especially of love. Whether it's giving it or receiving it. Don't let what he did and your parent's deaths define you. You love that man. I can see it. Tell him how you feel, be honest with him and yourself."

"Get out." I say with more conviction then the last time I spoke. I can't do this.

"Ana please."

"No James, get out. I'm happy for you, I really am, but you need to go."

"Ana." James please, I've had enough. I can't listen to any more of what he has to say. I just can't.

"OUT!" I yell. I can feel the tears in my eyes, but I will not let them fall. Least of all in front of James. This time he listens to me and leaves without another word.

I can't be here, I need to get the hell out here. I grab by purse, phone and jacket and walk out of my office.

"Hannah, cancel my meetings for the rest of the day. I'm going home."

"Yes, Miss Steele." Hannah says trying to cover her shock. I have never left in the middle of the day, ever.

Sawyer joins me in the elevator.

"Ana is everything ok?" It took me six months to convince Sawyer to call me Ana and not Miss Steele or Ma'am.

"Everything is fine, just take me home." He looks at me and I can tell he doesn't believe me, but he wisely chooses not to say anything.

I pull out my phone and text Kate.

*I'm going home. Can you meet me at my place and bring booze! -A*

Not thirty seconds later I get a text back.

*On my way. What happened? -K*

*I'll explain when you get to my place. Don't tell anyone where you are going.*

*Ok but I'm letting Elliot know where I'll be, you know he worries.*

*Fine but no one else.*

*Does Christian know where you are?*

*No.* Is all I text before getting off the elevator and into the back of the SUV.


Not five minutes after I get through the door, I'm in a pair of sweats and a hoodie. Kate walks through the door with a bottle of Aniseed Sambuca, my favourite. It's the only alcohol I will tolerate drinking in shot form. God, how well this girl knows me.

"I have shots. You've never asked for booze before, so I figured you needed the hard stuff." Kate says handing me the bottle.

"I got you out some sweats, so you can get comfy too, they're in my bedroom. Go put them on and meet me in the living room." I say before heading to the kitchen for shot glasses.

A few minutes later Kate comes out in sweats.

"Thanks for the sweats."

"Your welcome, I know we both love to get out our work clothes as soon as we walk through the door and seeing as I all but dragged you here, I thought it was the least I could do."

"Ana what's wrong? You never leave work before 5 and even then, that's because you have somewhere to go."

"James and I broke up, I guess." But then again, it's not really a break up because we were never really together.

"What happened?" She asks, her face is etched with concern.

"He met someone." I say with a smile because I really am happy for him.

"And you're happy for him? I still don't understand what was so important and urgent enough for you to just up and leave at work at 3:15 on a weekday."

"I am happy for him, he deserves to happy."

"So, what's the problem?" She prompts.

"The problem is what he said after he told me that." I take a breath and take two shots.

"Jesus Ana slow down. What the fuck did he say to you?" She says, and I can tell she's getting angry, she is like a protective mama bear.

"He told me that I deserved more too."

"He's right. You do."

"No, I don't." I can feel the tears coming but for now the alcohol is keeping them at bay.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm broken and damaged."

"We all are Ana, that's what makes us human."

"Not as broken as me."

"What exactly did James say?"

"That he's known me for three years and yet he still knows next to nothing about me. That I don't trust people, that I never truly let people in. Hence broken and damaged."

"You let me in."

"That's not what he meant, and you know it." I say raising my eyebrow. "What he meant is that he is jealous that I let Christian in and not him. That even though we've been sleeping together for three years, he still can't kiss my neck or come on me." Husband Number 2 did that to me. So just the thought of having a guy do it to me, just brings up too many memories of him. When I gave James a blowjob for the first time, I thought I would freak out, but then when I actually did it, I didn't think twice about it or swallowing. But then a little while after we started our arrangement he pulled out of me and I noticed that he was actually going to the same thing as him and come on my stomach, I totally freaked out. Then I had no choice really and felt I had to explain my reaction. That was not a fun conversation.

"Can you blame him? Even I don't know everything about you and what happened to you."

"That's because talking about it hurts, like actually physically hurts. That's why I won't let him touch my neck or come on me."

"I know, I get it, I really do. But can you see his point?"

"Yes, but that is not what hurt the most. What hurt the most was what he said after that. He said that I see myself as being unworthy of love."

"You do." She says point blank, which makes me lose it as the tears spill from my eyes.

"I know."

"Ana, I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry but you do feel that way about yourself and you know it. You think that he broke you, and every time you didn't let James touch you, you felt guilty and it's been eating at you for so long. You take it all to heart because that just who you are. You're the kindest person I have ever met and that's because you treat everyone with such compassion and it's not just because you are a good person. You do it because the first person who ever said anything nice about you, that sticks in your mind, was not truthful and hurt you and no one knew. So, you treat everyone important to you like they're Royalty, because you need everyone to know that they really do mean something to you and you're not just saying it for another purpose. Because you never want anyone to feel the way you felt and still feel." She is right, I know it.

"I never thought about like that. When did you become so wise or are you secretly a shrink?" I ask trying to lighten the mood.

"I've always have been wise, you just never realised it before." She says making me giggle.

"He also broke up with me because I love him. I love someone I can't be with because he doesn't love me back." I love Christian, but I can't tell him because I can't lose him.

"Oh Ana." Kate says pulling me into a hug, and I just cry and cry until I fall asleep in her arms.

Meanwhile Christian POV

This damn merger is going to be the death of me, it's been the longest month, ever, it certainly feels that way. No matter what Ana and I did, it seemed at each and every turn someone decided to present us with another fucking problem. I think this week alone I have fired 20 people for incompetence, which has made this week better,(yeah, I know I'm a prick sometimes.) but it still sucked. Plus, I've barely seen Ana because we have been putting out fires all over the place, which meant that we've only seen each other at night just before we go to bed. I have missed our daily conversations. I miss her.

It maybe just after 3 in the afternoon, but I am done for the day. This merger is in the final stages and no longer requires mine or Ana's attention. I'm going to find Ana and ask her if we can go home and spend the afternoon watching movies just like the old days.

However, when I get to Ana's office Hannah stops me.

"Mr. Grey, Miss Steele isn't here."

"She isn't. Does she have a meeting I don't know about?" I say raising my eyebrows, I know she never leaves this early.

"No Sir. Mr. Ford came by earlier, he and Miss Steele got into a somewhat of heated conversation, after that Miss Steele told me to cancel the rest of her meetings and left. I believe she went home, Sir."

"Thank you, Hannah." Usually I wouldn't appreciate an employee being so forward, but I know Hannah is as professional as they come and wouldn't tell anyone but me that information.

"Of course, Sir." I turn and start heading to the security office.


"Taylor, we're going home." He gives me the most confused look. I don't blame him, I never leave this early, ever.

"Yes Sir." He says, although a bit puzzled.

Once I arrive home I don't bother going to my apartment I go straight into Ana's, only to find her with Kate on the couch.

"Ana, I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry but you do feel that way about yourself and you know it. You think that he broke you, and every time you didn't let James touch you, you felt guilty and it's been eating at you for so long. You take it all to heart because that just who you are. You're the kindest person I have ever met and that's because you treat everyone with such compassion and it's not just because you are a good person. You do it because the first person who ever said anything nice about you, that sticks in your mind, was nottruthful and hurt you and no one knew. So, you treat everyone important to you like they're Royalty, because you need everyone to know that they really domean something to you and you're not just saying it for another purpose. Because you never want anyone to feel the way you felt and still feel." James doesn't have full permission to touch Ana freely? She deserves so much better than that and what that monster did to her, shattered any self-confidence she had. In the boardroom Ana is the most confident woman on the planet but what people don't realise is that it's all a well-crafted act, a façade per say, to hide the scared little girl inside. She may be the most beautiful girl on the planet, but I know that's not at all what she sees when she looks in the mirror.

"I never thought about like that. When did you become so wise or are you secretly a shrink?" Ana asks deflecting Kate's comment because even after all this time she still hates any form of complement, it still makes her skin crawl.

"I've always have been wise, you just never realised it before." Kate says which makes Ana giggle, slightly.

"He also broke up with me because I love him. I love someone I can't be with because he doesn't love me back." She loves James?

"Oh Ana." Kate says pulling her into a hug as Ana cries into her chest. I want nothing more than to walk over there and comfort her, but I can't she is crying because the guy she loves broke her heart. What she doesn't know is that she just broke mine.

The girl I've loved for almost fifteen years has never and will never love me, not like I love her.Urgh Grey, you really thought she would love you back? I can't listen anymore of this. My chest aches, so I turn to leave back to my apartment.


Elliot's POV

Christian just called me to tell me he was coming over, and I quote, 'To get drunk and forget.' God knows why. Knowing him it has to have something to do with Ana because if not he would have called her and not me. Kate called me earlier to say she was going to Ana's because they needed some girl time. Maybe that's why Christian is coming here and not going to Ana's?

Knock. Knock.

I open up the door to find Christian holding a $1000 bottle of Scotch.

"Can I come in?" He asks, sounding so defeated. What the fuck happened?

"Sure." I say stepping aside, so he can enter.

He sits on the couch and I grab two tumblers from the wet bar.

"Ok what happened?" I ask sitting next to him. He gives me a look I can't place and then proceeds to pour two very large portions of Scotch.

"Ana and James broke up."

"Were they ever really together?" I ask giving him a pointed look.

"No. I guess not."

"Ok. Sorry but I'm failing to see why this warrants heavy drinking at 4 in the afternoon?"

"Because she's in love with him." She's what now? There is no way in hell that's true.

"Why do you think that?" I say trying to keep my facial expressions neutral.

"Because she said it." She did?

"Like the actual words?"

"Yes, she said 'He broke up with me because I love him.'" Huh?

"Ok. But why is this a problem?" I know why it is but I want him to say it.

"I don't know. That's the problem, why do I care? It's not like we're dating?" Ok well that was just a bold face lie.

"Because you love her!" It's not a question, it is statement.

"NO!" He yells, ok now you are just being delusional.

"Shut up, Ava's asleep." I say in a whisper yell.

"Shit. Sorry." He says in a much more appropriate decibel.

"So?"

"So?" He says in return.

"So, do you love her or not?"

"We are just friends." Talking to him about Ana is like pulling teeth and exactly like talking to Ana.

"Ok if you say so." I say rolling my eyes.

"I do say so."

"OK. Let's just get you drunk then, I would join you, but Kate isn't here, and someone needs to look after Ava."

And with that he downs the tumbler in one gulp. Oh,this is soooo going to be a long night.

I know this chapter is shorter, but there isa reason for that. The next chapter needed to be separate for what's about to come next.

Thank you as always for reading. Your support means so much. Please leave a review.

Fearfully Brave