A/N: So a huge thanks and our endless appreciation to everybody who has reviewed, favorited, and/or followed. That means a lot to us, seriously- we wish we could respond to you, but FFN doesn't have a seamless way to do that. If you're interested in engaging with us, we do reply to comments over at Ao3 (linked in profile) and there are significantly more chapters available on that version of the story.

And because FFN doesn't allow chat log chapters, one line of prose has been added to this chapter to abide by their guidelines.


The glow of the phone screen caught Dipper's attention, and he lifted the device to read what'd been sent to him.

(11:49 PM) the stars are screaming at me

(11:49 PM) that i fucked up

(11:50 PM) Yeah I can hear them from here heh...

(11:50 PM) it's like i'm drowning

(11:50 PM) i can't stop hearing them

(11:52 PM) im sorry

(11:53 PM) It's okay

(11:53 PM) no

(11:53 PM) it's not

(11:53 PM) i fucked up

(11:53 PM) i shouldn't have done tha

(11:53 PM) t

(11:54 PM) I get it, you were sad over Bella

(11:54 PM) I mean yeah you shouldn't have but it's done

(11:54 PM) Look, it's fine, really

(11:54 PM) you were scared

(11:55 PM) like a kitten who got beat

(11:55 PM) i can't get it out of my mind

(11:55 PM) I'm not scared of you dude, you're a big dork

(11:56 PM) I was just confused and kinda worried

(11:56 PM) I'm still worried, actually

(11:56 PM) Where are you? Mabel and I are already back at the penthouse, Wendy left a couple minutes ago

(11:57 PM) on a shoulder somewhere

(11:57 PM) Encouraging a cartoon character to make a bad decision?

(11:58 PM) no

(11:58 PM) Ugh I'm sorry, I know that was bad. It's weird I guess

(11:58 PM) Things with us

(11:58 PM) the stars are angry with me

(11:58 PM) i need a drink

(11:58 PM) You already smoke, can you give the lifespan reducing habits a break for just a second? So we can figure this out?

(11:59 PM) if i die young it'll reduce the lifespan of a fuckup

(11:59 PM) Chill, you're not a fuckup

(11:59 PM) everything's awkward and shitty with us now, pine tree

(11:59 PM) i fucked up

(11:59 PM) I was going to ask

(12:00 AM) You don't WANT to marry me, right?

(12:00 AM) no…

(12:00 AM) no

(12:02 AM) the only person i'll marry is me

(12:02 AM) Did you start drinking already or something, you're being extra narcissistic

(12:02 AM) i like you but not like that

(12:02 AM) Didn't think I'd ever hear you say that

(12:06 AM) if i drink all the booze in a liquor store would i die

(12:06 AM) Yeah because I'd kill you

(12:06 AM) Seriously don't do that

(12:07 AM) pine tree

(12:07 AM) Bill

(12:08 AM) see ya on the other side :)

(12:08 AM) For fuck's sake

(12:08 AM) Don't make this worse


(3:03 AM) heqy cuftie

(3:03 AM) i dpno't know ewhere i aim

(3:04 AM) pi like vbutts

(3:04 AM) Bill wtf it's 3 am

(3:04 AM) Ugh

(3:04 AM) Also why do you and Mabel text me about butts so much

(3:04 AM) You're drunk, aren't you

(3:04 AM) I told you not to do that

(3:07 AM) wjhy are tehe lights flkashing

(3:07 AM) itq's likpe thie Ragve

(3:07 AM) You're at a rave?

(3:07 AM) You know what, never mind. I'm getting Stan

(3:08 AM) dno ni don't wtan umy adaddy

(3:08 AM) Well you're getting him

(3:09 AM) njo dayddy

(3:09 AM) nonly yommm

(3:09 AM) ...?

(3:09 AM) Mommy?

(3:09 AM) You want me to get Ford?

(3:10 AM) Do you know where you are at all?

(3:10 AM) Where were you last?

(3:11 AM) in ouyr hmouth :(

(3:11 AM) that swhere i was jslat

(3:11 AM) I swear to god Bill

(3:11 AM) Don't be difficult about this

(3:12 AM) I don't even care about the kiss

(3:13 AM) Are you okay?

(3:13 AM) i am GRETA

(3:13 AM) the stalrs dfance

(3:13 AM) You are so drunk

(3:14 AM) you are

(3:14 AM) so...u...y

(3:14 AM) ...o...

(3:14 AM) Are you at a bar? I could give you a ride back

(3:15 AM) If you don't mind me taking one of your vehicles

(3:17 AM) you can't drive you're drnku

(3:17 AM) No?

(3:17 AM) I'm not

(3:17 AM) I'm freaking tired because you woke me up but it's whatever

(3:18 AM) ji can leacve you ahlone

(3:18 AM) No, don't

(3:19 AM) pyou sleep

(3:19 AM) I want to make sure you're okay so cooperate for a change

(3:20 AM) i got another bottle oyf adams to kewep me xcompany

(3:20 AM) Dude stop drinking

(3:20 AM) I'll keep you company if you really need it

(3:20 AM) no yuo

(3:21 AM) neo you slewep

(3:21 AM) I'm not going to sleep

(3:22 AM) iyes you wifll

(3:22 AM) Nope, tell me where you are

(3:27 AM) hery ycutie

(3:27 AM) i jlike how teh stars look liek toyur birthmakr

(3:28 AM) sit reminds me olf you

(3:28 AM) Yeah I know

(3:28 AM) You touch it basically all the time

(3:28 AM) do you think i cofuld be a tsar

(3:28 AM) Sure, but first are you somewhere safe at least

(3:29 AM) I'm wide awake, let me help

(3:32 AM) i don't wneed help

(3:32 AM) only ehte cosmvos

(3:32 AM) Don't care

(3:33 AM) You're getting help whether you need it or not

(3:33 AM) sgleep pidne htroat

(3:34 AM) such msoft sktars

(3:34 AM) You're being more frustrating than usual

(3:34 AM) And that's a feat

(3:34 AM) they sing to hme

(3:34 AM) sayng joni us

(3:35 AM) and i rly want too

(3:35 AM) There's plenty of time to be a star in a musical later

(3:35 AM) But for now, don't drink any more

(3:35 AM) no

(3:35 AM) you fon'tt get yit

(3:36 AM) i want tlo be one fo pthem

(3:36 AM) TBHEM

(3:36 AM) i want to be lceletsiall

(3:36 AM) Celestial beings don't tongue bottles of Sam Adams

(3:36 AM) i cjhug

(3:36 AM) They don't do that either dumbass

(3:37 AM) fucdk ytou

(3:37 AM) gooodbye

(3:37 AM) Are you fucking serious


(5:14 AM) Hi

(9:48 AM) Hello?

(10:05 AM) Bill?

(12:12 PM) Come on dude, I'm worried

(2:38 PM) Your Russian accent sucks

(2:59 PM) To be honest I thought for sure that'd get a reply, are you okay?

(3:52 PM) Bill

(6:14 PM) Billllll

(7:02 PM) Where are you, it's been like a day

(9:21 PM) It's rude to ignore your heterosexual life partner

(11:02 PM) Just answer me when you get a chance okay?

(11:02 PM) Even Stan's kinda concerned since nobody's seen you

(11:25 PM) I hope you're alright


(2:18 PM) hey sugar

(2:18 PM) Omg FINALLY

(2:18 PM) I never thought I'd actually be excited over a text from you

(2:19 PM) i'm not alright

(2:19 PM) i've been staring at this gun for like, three hours

(2:19 PM) contemplating if i should just end it all

(2:19 PM) Holy shit Bill

(2:19 PM) Don't you dare

(2:19 PM) If you do that I'll never speak to you again

(2:19 PM) a little hard to talk to me if my brains are all over the car

(2:20 PM) Exactly

(2:20 PM) smartass

(2:20 PM) You love it

(2:20 PM) yeah

(2:20 PM) i shouldn't

(2:21 PM) Why not? I'll have you know I'm unbelievably lovable

(2:24 PM) everything i love

(2:24 PM) goes away in the end

(2:24 PM) I can guarantee I'll never stop sassing you dude

(2:24 PM) You just make it too easy

(2:24 PM) no

(2:25 PM) you'll just get taken away from me

(2:25 PM) like everything else

(2:25 PM) I already told you I wasn't

(2:25 PM) I'm stuck with you, so you can't leave either

(2:27 PM) okay

(2:27 PM) Okay?

(2:27 PM) yes

(2:28 PM) You better not be thinking about it still

(2:28 PM) You didn't let me jump

(2:28 PM) You're not getting out either

(2:29 PM) you couldn't hold me back with those noodle arms of yours

(2:29 PM) And yet you still indulge me

(2:29 PM) Weird, huh?

(2:29 PM) get used to it pine tree

(2:30 PM) I'm going to assume that means you're not going anywhere

(2:30 PM) You're still a cockroach

(2:30 PM) maybe someone else'll get me

(2:30 PM) Get you? Dude nobody GETS you

(2:30 PM) We just put up with your weirdness because it's great

(2:31 PM) get me as in shoot me

(2:32 PM) ….

(2:32 PM) Bill..

(2:32 PM) That's not cool

(2:32 PM) relax cutie

(2:33 PM) No

(2:33 PM) you're always so stiff

(2:33 PM) and it's not even your dick

(2:33 PM) I'm not going to relax if you're basically telling me you might die

(2:34 PM) let's be real here sugar

(2:34 PM) every day one of us might die

(2:34 PM) it's just how life is

(2:34 PM) I was SO worried about you and now you do this

(2:34 PM) look i'm not dead yet

(2:35 PM) maybe fordsy level of intelligent now...

(2:35 PM) actually no i can't get that low

(2:37 PM) Don't make me stop talking to you

(2:37 PM) hey

(2:37 PM) What now

(2:37 PM) my head is killing me

(2:37 PM) Oh

(2:38 PM) Number of fucks your Pine Tree gives: 0

(2:38 PM) You should've listened to me when I told you to stop drinking

(2:38 PM) Just take some ibuprofen and stay hydrated, okay?

(2:38 PM) i knew you didn't give fucks

(2:38 PM) that's why you're a virgin

(2:39 PM) Number of fucks you'll get from me: 0

(2:39 PM) number of fucks anyone gets from you: 0

(2:39 PM) forever tight

(2:41 PM) so hey cutie, i thought of something

(2:41 PM) Wow, must've been hard work for you

(2:41 PM) you remember when you brought up the god that is hugh hefner?

(2:41 PM) Yeah, also I'm not being a playboy bunny for you

(2:42 PM) aw damn

(2:42 PM) you'd make a good one

(2:42 PM) such a good bun

(2:42 PM) maybe i should get bunny ears for you..

(2:42 PM) Well, you'd make a lame Hugh Hefner

(2:43 PM) You need to be a lot older and more Viagra-dependent

(2:43 PM) oh

(2:43 PM) so stan

(2:43 PM) Sure. I'll be a playboy bunny for him, why not

(2:44 PM) i guess if you have a daddy kink

(2:44 PM) Not really, but still more appealing than you

(2:44 PM) says the kid who begged me to not kill myself

(2:44 PM) Stan would've made me clean your stupid brains out of the car since he probably thinks we're dating

(2:46 PM) if i set up my vehicle to drive into the ocean afterwards that'd help with the mess

(2:46 PM) This isn't really a conversation I want to be having, dude

(2:46 PM) Don't hurt yourself

(2:47 PM) the world's so shitty

(2:47 PM) Would be more shitty without you

(2:47 PM) don't be a fag kid

(2:47 PM) Nope, you tease me about it all the time so now you have to accept my undying crush

(2:47 PM) you're like the hot n cold song

(2:48 PM) The one by Katy Perry?

(2:48 PM) yeah, first you love me then you hate me

(2:48 PM) i kiss you and you leave

(2:48 PM) Is this because I rejected your MARRIAGE proposal?

(2:49 PM) look i could make a good housewife out of you

(2:51 PM) You're not allowed to make any housewife comments but...

(2:51 PM) Do you want to have dinner at the penthouse?

(2:51 PM) I'm cooking tonight

(2:53 PM) never thought i'd hear the day

(2:53 PM) you'd want me around for dinner

(2:54 PM) Pays off to not kill yourself, doesn't it?

(2:54 PM) But you kinda flipped your shit over it a few days ago

(2:54 PM) So as long as you aren't a jackass, you're invited

(2:55 PM) i'll try to behave…..mom

(2:55 PM) You're uninvited

(2:55 PM) well fuck

(2:55 PM) time to KMS

(2:55 PM) BILL

(2:56 PM) what

(2:56 PM) Don't joke about that right now

(2:56 PM) it was a good opportunity

(2:56 PM) anyway

(2:56 PM) i'll be back at the penthouse later

(2:57 PM) Have fun watching the rest of us eat, you fuckwad

(2:57 PM) i'm still uninvited?

(2:57 PM) Yeah, you had literally one job

(2:57 PM) To not be a jackass

(2:57 PM) And you decided to be a jackass

(2:58 PM) i guess i'll just pull a mabel and take your food

(2:58 PM) She's the only one allowed to take my food

(2:58 PM) Because I actually like her

(2:58 PM) oh okay

(2:59 PM) i see how it is

(3:01 PM) well if i steal stan's booze stash and frame you, it's not my fault :)

(3:01 PM) Can't frame me. I'm under 21, remember?

(3:01 PM) oh please, no one follows that law

(3:01 PM) just because you can't buy it doesn't mean you can't drink it

(3:02 PM) Haven't ever tried it

(3:02 PM) i'll fix that ;)

(3:02 PM) ?

(3:02 PM) i think you'll like it

(3:03 PM) Not really because I'd probably be a drunken idiot like you

(3:03 PM) i'm not asking you to try a lot, pine tree

(3:03 PM) a little won't get you drunk

(3:03 PM) Is this so you'll have a chance to kiss me and not get pushed away..?

(3:06 PM) no

(3:06 PM) i don't want to do that

(3:07 PM) Okay. Honestly, it's still kinda weird to me

(3:07 PM) I know you didn't mean anything by it, but I wish that hadn't been my first kiss

(3:07 PM) Ah sorry

(3:07 PM) I don't want to offend you — not right now at least. I guess it was nice, just not exactly… what I expected?

(3:07 PM) I don't know, it's hard to describe

(3:10 PM) you deserve a better one

(3:11 PM) It doesn't matter, it's not a big deal

(3:11 PM) Also, you're the only one crazy enough to kiss me

(3:11 PM) don't sell yourself short, pine tree

(3:11 PM) Oh fuck off

(3:11 PM) I know that's a height joke

(3:12 PM) And I fucking hate you so damn much

(3:12 PM) sorry you can't get rid of me so easily

(3:12 PM) Is this why you didn't let me jump

(3:12 PM) So you could punish me with this

(3:12 PM) those tiny feet can't crush my cockroach armor

(3:12 PM) THEY'RE SIZE EIGHT ASSHAT

(3:13 PM) size eight in kids

(3:14 PM) I'm leaving

(3:14 PM) bye cutie

(3:14 PM) see you at dinner


(1:50 PM) so sugar

(1:50 PM) are we good

(1:52 PM) That's kind of vague

(1:52 PM) is that a yes

(1:52 PM) Are we good ... actors? No, just you. Good crossdressers? Just me.

(1:52 PM) See I don't know what you're asking

(1:53 PM) are we on good terms

(1:53 PM) Questionable after what you did at dinner last night but

(1:53 PM) Are you done being a total jerk yet?

(1:53 PM) i meant over what happened at the pier

(1:53 PM) but no

(1:53 PM) a tiger can't change his stripes kid

(1:53 PM) Bumblebee* :)

(1:53 PM) fuckyoubee

(1:54 PM) Buzz buzz motherfucker

(1:54 PM) buzz off

(1:56 PM) but seriously pine tree, you gotta tell me if we're good

(1:56 PM) shit's awkward enough with me and red, you and i don't need to add to that

(1:56 PM) and i didn't even sleep with you

(1:59 PM) Um..

(1:59 PM) no, got it

(1:59 PM) time to burn down the penthouse

(2:00 PM) Dude, why is it constantly the extremes with you

(2:00 PM) And how would that even help?

(2:00 PM) because if i can't have you...

(2:01 PM) no one can :)

(2:01 PM) Hey, maybe you can

(2:01 PM) Just gotta turn on that Bill Cipher charm

(2:01 PM) pretty sure you have a natural Bill Resistance

(2:01 PM) Oh no that's just an aversion to dumbasses

(2:02 PM) yet you talk to me anyway

(2:02 PM) You entertain me, cutie!

(2:02 PM) Yes, I am mocking you

(2:03 PM) i can mock you too

(2:03 PM) oh look at me i'm pine tree, i'm so smart and everyone else is dumb but shooting star since she's my sister and i love her don't you look at her i'll fight you with my noodle arms

(2:03 PM) Oh right I punched you in the jaw and it was amazing

(2:03 PM) I feel bad over that still, but it was kind of satisfying

(2:03 PM) it was like a kitten licked me

(2:04 PM) Mm I have to say, you're not quite on the path to winning me back

(2:04 PM) same

(2:04 PM) Resort to burning it down?

(2:04 PM) i'll burn you up

(2:04 PM) I'm already too hot for you

(2:05 PM) you'll be even hotter when i pour gasoline over you and light you up

(2:05 PM) Shall I get ready to run down Main Avenue?

(2:05 PM) yes

(2:06 PM) i'll record it and post it to vine

(2:06 PM) Vine's dead you dinosaur

(2:06 PM) i'll make a new one

(2:06 PM) Vine 2.0

(2:06 PM) Ooaaauuuoooo

(2:06 PM) That's the noise dinosaurs like you make

(2:07 PM) Okay but VINEOSAUR

(2:07 PM) That's what you are

(2:08 PM) don't make me kill you

(2:08 PM) I'm too short for your tiny T-rex arms to reach

(2:08 PM) bye

(2:09 PM) Wait

(2:09 PM) no

(2:09 PM) I wasn't done making fun of you, get back here

(2:10 PM) Bill

(2:10 PM) Come on

(2:12 PM) This is really super important

(2:12 PM) did timmy fall down the well, lassie?

(2:12 PM) if not then it can't be that important

(2:12 PM) Woof bring me Pop-Tarts when you come over later, we ran out

(2:14 PM) Please

(2:14 PM) i'll bring you the crumbs ;)

(2:14 PM) seriously, though. i'll bring your dumb poptarts

(2:15 PM) what flavor

(2:15 PM) strawberry right?

(2:15 PM) Yeah

(2:16 PM) You're still the worst but thanks 3

(2:16 PM) don't mention it pine tree

(2:17 PM) i'll be there in a few hours with your poptarts

(2:17 PM) just be glad i'm not gonna make you thank me with a kiss

(2:17 PM) Dude

(2:17 PM) too soon huh?

(2:18 PM) Just bring the Pop-Tarts

(2:19 PM) yes dear