A/N: To apologise for the 2 week delay in story uploads, here's an extra chapter which is also rather long! Yay!
Go check out riptocs' story, Dementia! It's a SasoDei fic, very sweet and sad! Spam her with reviews and make her update! :D
Fanfiction: /s/8421039/1/Dementia
Recap:
"So you weren't trying to say I was ugly, un?"
"No, I was trying to say that I wasn't hinting. And no, you are not…ugly… but compared to this eternal body of mine…" Sasori trailed off.
"That's it danna! I demand a face off!"
"And how do you exactly suggest we do that?"
"Well, I- uh!"
"We could just read that," Kakuzu interjected pointing at the now fully worded scroll.
Mister Akatsuki
A beauty pageant sponsored by the Ninja Alliance to find the hottest criminal out of the most badass criminal organisation out there! Host and emcee: Konan. Ninjas from all over the world vote! Rated T for Hidan's mouth and speedos.
"Well, this ought to be interesting."
-end recap-
"Ooh! Tobi wants to read this!"
"No, you will probably just make Deidara win it because he's your 'senpai'," said Sasori.
"B-but! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will be fair!"
"No buts. Now hand the scroll over to me."
"Hell no! You would probably make yourself win, Sasori no danna, un."
"Fine. Then Kakuzu will read it."
"Read out loud about Hidan in speedos? Oh joy. No."
"We'll read it. What? No. Oh come on, it'll be fun. You can mock them later. Ugh. Fine. But if the story puts us in speedos…"
"So what did we miss?" Kisame came in bearing plates of breakfast with Hidan following closely behind him doing the same.
"You guys are all participating in a beauty pageant and I'm the host. Yay," said Konan joylessly.
"Fuck yeah, so winning this, bitches!"
"Shut up Hidan, your attitude will probably turn off the voters."
"I didn't ask for your opinion puppet boy."
"By the way Kakuzu," Kisame interrupted, "There was a delivery for you. I think there are about a hundred boxes right outside our base. What did you order?"
"It's nothing. Just some things to help improve our finances."
"Really…because I swear I could smell cheese," Kisame looked at the man pointedly.
"I have no idea what you are talking about. You'll see the items soon enough. Now let's just get on with the story," Kakuzu's tone indicated the end of the conversation.
Konan fussed with the microphone on her lapel, the time was almost up and the stupid equipment kept messing with her!
As one of the sound men adjusted her microphone wire for her, she glanced around at the open field. Row after row of plastic white chairs sat in front of an outdoor wooden stage. They were slowly being filled up with people and there was an excited buzz in the air.
Decorations of balloons, ribbons and fluffy red cotton clouds were EVERYWHERE. Tied up on posts, scattered on the grounds, on the backs of the chairs etc. There was even a booth at the back selling plushies, painted in black and red. But what really completed the whole set-up would be the humongous cloth banner strung along large wooden posts proclaiming: MISTER AKATSUKI. THE BADDEST OF THE BADASSES.
"There are so many things I could say about that slogan," commented Sasori.
"Well don't, because we would like to get to the main point of the story," replied Konan.
Scuffling sounded from behind the stage as Konan's preparations were done. She frowned a little and went backstage, only to be greeted with nine half naked men dog piled on top of each other.
"Ahem. What are you guys doing?"
From the middle of the pile, Pein looked up at her from where he was being squashed between Kakuzu and Kisame.
"Why do I have to be between those particular two?"
Everyone looked up at the orange haired man, startled by his sudden appearance.
"Since when were you here?" asked Kisame.
"Wow! Leader-sama knows magic! Tobi wants to learn too!"
"Shut up Tobi, you already know how to teleport, un!"
"I came in with Kisame and Hidan. I was right behind them."
"Uh, no you didn't. I think I would know if a whole fucking person was behind me."
"Yes I was."
"Nuh-uh."
"Yes."
"Fucking no!"
"I will decapitate you if you speak another word," Pein threatened, his face remaining emotionless.
"Well, getting back to MY reading. Our reading. I don't care. Just read."
"Hey Konan!" Pein greeted her.
Konan reached down and plucked each man off of each other then stared sternly at them with her hands on her hips as they grinned at her sheepishly.
Deidara decided to offer an explanation, "Well, it all started when Tobi stole my body glaze and I chased after him but he crashed into Sasori who threw his brush and it hit Hidan who cussed up a storm and irritated Kakuzu who shot out his threads which accidentally knocked over Kisame's dressing table which was actually a fish tank and everything splashed out over Pein who started throwing all his kunai and one stabbed Itachi's bottle of wrinkle-free cream and it all spilled out causing a rather messy wet floor along with everything else that was already on the floor and everyone slipped and then Zetsu got mad because all the chemicals were bad for his plants and…well it escalated from there," he gasped as he drew in a large breath.
"Ok…I think I got all of that…Well the pageant is starting in 2 minutes! If you divas could just get it together?"
All the men gasped. 2 minutes?! They all ran around scrambling for their introductory suits and shouted instructions at their personal entourage of make-up artists, hairstylists, and strangely, Tobi also had a cotton candy vendor.
Konan shook her head at the sight. Bunch of prissy men. Lord knew how they were once revered as the most evil criminal organisation out there.
She primped up a little in a nearby mirror, making sure her hair was perfect before taking a deep breath, and stepped out from behind the curtains.
She was greeted with dozens of flashing cameras, cheers and applause. Red lights indicated live television rolling.
"WELCOME ALL TO THE INAUGURAL MISTER AKATSUKI!" The cheers and applause got even louder and women in the crowd started squealing in excitement.
"Remember people, you are allowed to vote for your favourite heartthrob and the one with the most number of votes will have a bigger chance of winning!
Now let's welcome our three guest judges! Firstly from Konoha, the Fifth Hokage, Tsunade-sama!" Cue applause and cheers.
"Next we have from Kumo, the Fourth Raikage, A!" Cue cheering once again, and this time a strange distant rapping was heard as well.
"AND FINALLY! We have from Iwa, Onoki, the Third Tsuchikage! Huh?"
A production assistant ran out onto the stage and whispered something into Konan's ear before running off again.
"I'm sorry, it seems that Onoki-sama has ties to Deidara, one of the contestants. For impartiality's sake, the Tsuchikage will be replaced by Terumi Mei, the Fifth Mizukage from Kiri!" The old man was escorted from his seat, grumbling about his bad back while a pretty brunette sat in his place.
"Well then! Let's get started! Give a loud welcome for our contestants, the Akatsuki!"
Disco music played and coloured spotlights started flashing on stage while a stream of the Akatsuki men in business suits came out waving and beaming. Sighs could be heard from all over the world as women stared at their magnificent figures on television.
"Now as you all know, there will be a number of rounds for judging. The talent competition, the swimsuit competition, formal wear, best body part and finally, Q&A! Prizes will be awarded for each category and the ultimate man will be Mister Akatsuki! Now let's get our contestants ready for the first round!"
First Round – The Talent Competition
Kakuzu
"Oh! Contestant number 1 is coming out shirtless!"
Girly shrieks could be heard in the audience.
"I think we need a medic for that person having a massive nosebleed in Row 27! Oh my, what is Mr Kakuzu doing?"
Kakuzu flexed and out came four masked beasts from his back.
"Uh, I don't think your specialty jutsu is considered a talent…ooh!"
The four beasts suddenly brought out props such as balls and unicycles and started performing circus tricks. Kakuzu himself started doing flips, cartwheels and showed off his amazing flexibility, bending where no man should ever bend, without a single flinch. He finished off with a series of backflips, summoned his creatures back into his back and bowed.
"Thank you Mr Kakuzu, Contestant Number 1! Remember to send your votes via your friendly postal service, the postal ninjas! Sure to reach us within 4 hours!"
Deidara
"And now for Contestant Number 2! Mr…Miss Deidara?" Deidara had come out in a frilly dress and heels, a bonnet on his head.
"You can close your mouth now, brat."
Deidara was staring at the scroll, his mouth agape and not believing what he just heard. A dress?
"Well at least now you know your talent blondie."
"Fuck off Hidan."
"Well fuck you too missy."
Deidara's retort was cut off by Zetsu's disregard for their conversation.
This time both the females AND males in the crowd swooned.
Catchy music sounded and Deidara started dancing to the beat. In one swoosh, he ripped his dress off-
"Tobi doesn't think that senpai flashing the audience counts as a talent!"
-revealing another dress underneath! This time it was sparkly and Deidara stretched out his arms and did spirit fingers!
"Oh wow! Mr Deidara sure knows how to wow the crowd! He's sure got spirit!"
Deidara continued dancing and showed off an entire wardrobe of 25 dresses, each one more glamorous than the next, making many girls, and guys, gasp in jealousy and possibly lust.
"That was wonderful! And certainly unusual! I'm surprised he didn't show off his sculpting skills instead. Thank you Contestant Number 2! Remember to vote, people!"
"You've got the male audience lusting after you Deidara!" Kisame laughed.
"As with Hidan, fuck off, un! And story Konan is right! I SHOULD BE SHOWING OFF MY REAL TALENT! ART IS AN EXPLOSION!"
Pein
"Contestant Number 3! Pein-sama, also known as the leader of the Akatsuki! GASP!"
Pein crawled out onto the stage, bloodied and his face screwed up in pain.
"What happened to you Pein-sama?!"
"Karma. Yes, karma."
"What? We must get you help! Medics!"
"No, it is no use. I probably only have minutes to live. Will you hear my story before I vanish from this earth forever?"
With tears welling up in her eyes, Konan nodded along with thousands in the audience.
"I once fell in love with this girl I met while on a mission. She was like a light in the darkness of my life. So gentle and so sweet. But our love was not meant to be, for her father was a cruel dictator of a small but resourceful town." He paused to cough out some blood, making the women in the crowd give out sounds of worry for him. He quieted them with a wave of a hand.
"He wanted money. And I had money, but the greedy man wanted more! He wanted a lifetime of endless riches! Even if I robbed a bank every day, it wouldn't satisfy that man's horrible wants!
After weeks of me fighting to gain his approval and robbing banks in other towns to pamper my potential father-in-law, he one day told me over dinner, that the love of my life had fallen in love with another."
Outraged gasps echoed from the quiet audience listening intently, hanging onto his every word.
"I was heartbroken, torn to pieces. I had no choice but to leave, seeing as that girl had accepted the other man's hand in marriage. I dived into work, sending out others on missions, writing up new ones, training, slaving away on paperwork and more. I was trying to forget the pain of my broken heart.
One day, news of a small war in that girl's hometown reached my ears. She had died in the conflict. But what shocked me more was the fact that her body had been found in a whorehouse. After much research and intelligence gathering, I found out that her father had lied to me.
He had lied to me about her falling for another, had made me leave and caused her to think that I had abandoned her. In truth, he had pimped her out as a prostitute every day; earning an endless source of income. From that day on, I swore never to love again, for I had betrayed the one that I loved and that had loved me. Never again."
Konan sniffed, wiping her tears and blowing her nose in a napkin. Half the audience were all out crying, bawling into their hankies or boyfriends' shoulders.
"That is so sad. But…what has it got to do with you being injured?"
"You see my dear, my talent, is ACTING!" Pein jumped up with his arms outstretched, gave a bow and walked backstage.
"Holy Jashin. I'm so going to try that out on the ladies next time!"
"That is if you don't sacrifice them first."
"Fuck off fishy."
"Make me albino!"
"SHUT UP (un)!" The two men jumped from the collective shout of all the other members.
"Well, as long as he stops calling me a fish," pouted Kisame.
Hidan gave a scoff, "I bet the story will relate you to fish too."
"You are on!"
"Uh? Ok…well, ladies and gentlemen, that was contestant number 3, Pein!" Konan took a moment to recollect her emotions as did the audience who were slightly disoriented from their sobbing.
Kisame
"And here comes number 4, Mr Kisame!"
Kisame came out pushing a huge tank of water.
"HAH! SEE?"
"THEY HAVEN'T MENTIONED FISH YET!"
"Just wait for it. They fucking will."
Inside the tank was a multitude of colourful tropical fish.
Kisame's shoulders drooped while Hidan gave him a look of victory.
Climbing up the steps at the side of the tank, Kisame gave a large sharky grin and dived into the tank.
He made a beautiful jet of bubbles in the water, spelling out how gorgeous the audience looked today, gaining appreciative giggles from fans.
Suddenly, he started morphing in the water, fusing with his Samehada and transformed into a shark-like creature. Giving a thumbs-up to the audience, he started a rather bloody scene chasing after the fishes with fluid movements and chomping down on them.
Ending with a final jump into the air before splashing back into the now red water, he climbed out and gave a huge grin before pushing the tank back off the stage.
"Well…that was certainly a…colourful performance. Great swimmer, and a great fisherman! Contestant number 4 people!"
"What kind of talent was THAT? Ugh!" Kisame threw his hands up in the air then stomped out of the room muttering about getting revenge on fish-calling people.
Kakuzu looked at Itachi who seemed unconcerned. "Should we be worried?"
"If he vents it off in training then he'll be fine."
"What if he doesn't go training?"
"Then yes you guys should be worried."
"What the fuck about you?"
Itachi turned his gaze onto Hidan, "I'll be avoiding him."
"Tch, coward."
Zetsu scowled at them before returning to the story.
Hidan
"Contestant 5, Mr Hidan!"
Hidan's talent presentation was unfortunately interrupted by Konan as he tried to stab himself one more time lying in a diagram of his blood.
She kicked him back into the wings of the stage and smiled back at the visibly disturbed audience.
"Clearly Mr Hidan was confused about the meaning of talent. Well, that was contestant 5 folks!"
"HEY! I CAN BE FUCKING TALENTED!"
"Whatever, un."
Zetsu
"And that was contestant number 6, Zetsu-san, who just gave us a wonderful performance of pot-hopping! Who knew jumping one-legged into empty pots while arguing with yourself could be so entertaining?"
Sasori
Contestant 7, Mr Sasori was also interrupted by Konan from his puppet theatre show when one of his puppets started chopping off its fellow puppet co-star's limbs.
"Puppets people! What a great show! Number 7, Sasori!"
Tobi
Tobi gave a wonderful tap dance and song to Candyman along with a full costume of a real cane made out of peppermint surrounded by falling candy. He ended off the show by tossing hundreds of candy into the squealing crowd of kids gathered in front of the stage.
"Number 8, Mr Tobi! What a wonderfully sweet performance!"
Itachi
Uchiha Itachi gave a rather stunning performance, using his Tsukuyomi to give everyone an illusion of him doing whatever activity they favoured best, with them none-the-wiser. He did however find it slightly disturbing that half the audience were imagining him strip dancing with a pole though.
"NUMBER 9 UCHIHA ITACHI!" He gained a standing ovation.
Round 2 – Formal Wear
The formal wear competition went rather smoothly.
The men looked dashing in their tailored tuxedos making the women squeal and throw their underwear on stage. Tobi did freak out a little from a thong that landed on his mask. He was also the only one wearing a tuxedo that was pastel blue.
Kisame and Kakuzu showed off their large statures perfectly and Itachi got to show off his long legs.
Deidara and Sasori looked handsomely young in their matching suits as did Hidan who showed off a hint of his bare chest, his Jashin pendant gleaming against his skin.
Zetsu had split himself into two, each coloured side wearing an opposing colour. Black wore white while white wore black.
Round 3 - Swimsuits
Many medics were on red alert for the swimsuit competition. A record high of number of nose-bleeds under an hour was recorded as the men paraded their muscles out to the world.
Hidan had chosen to wear a speedo, showing off everything. Surprisingly, everyone else except for Tobi was also wearing speedos. Tobi wore swimming shorts instead.
"They put us in a speedo! Ugh, I'm going to find the author and eat her!" Zetsu fumed a little before resuming the story.
Hidan gave quite a show by attacking the others who had copied his speedos style, causing manly muscles to ripple and the rest of the world to swoon.
After things were in order, meaning after Konan had kicked their asses into behaving, they resumed their positions.
Flexing their muscles and tensing their thighs, they showed off their various 6-packs and 8-packs, biceps and calves. Tobi, also rather well-toned, showed off his cute butt in the fitting shorts.
"Yay! Tobi has a cute butt!"
Final round – Q&A
The Q&A went rather… interestingly.
"How do you describe sex appeal?"
Hidan declared rather proudly with a smirk: "I'm the fucking epitome of sex appeal."
"Tell us about one life-changing experience in your life."
Itachi pondered for a moment before stating quite impassively: "My brother came out of the closet and declared his incestuous love for me."
A choking sound interrupted the story and every one turned to see Itachi who had choked on his breakfast.
"Is Itachi-san having a heart attack?" Tobi asked.
They all decided that it would be better to leave Itachi alone to handle his "revelation".
"Hi all!" Kisame had come back in smiling.
"Where did you go?" asked Kakuzu.
"Oh nowhere, just went to vent a little. Um, why is Itachi choking?"
"He just fucking found out that his brother's gay and in love with him."
Itachi shot a Sharingan activated glare at Hidan, which made him duck behind Kakuzu, before motioning Zetsu to continue.
"Tell me about a recent goal you accomplished."
Kisame: "As I, stand here, in front of you, while the whole wide world is watching over me, I am proud to say that this is my recently achieved goal, with many more in store." *wink*
"How would you change the world if you were to play God for a day?"
Pein: "I am God."
"Ok… how would you change the world then?"
Pein: "To impart knowledge by giving and taking to empower the uneducated. People learn from pain."
"Most Admired Person?"
Sasori: "My grandmother."
Sasori raised a brow at his supposed answer.
"Tell me something about yourself."
Deidara: "I am an embodiment of a new meaning of life. My purpose here is to find the meaning and to fulfil it. This platform is one of my steps towards reaching my goal for this destiny, which I will decide. ART IS A BANG YEAH!"
"Tell me something that will make me remember you."
Zetsu: "I ate approximately 206 people so far this week."
Konan stepped farther away from Zetsu after his answer.
"Who is your role model?"
Tobi: "Tobi's role model is Tobi! Because for Tobi, every day is an endeavour to do better than yesterday! And also because Tobi is a good boy! But Tobi also likes Deidara-senpai very much too!"
"Yay! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi likes you senpai!"
"Whatever, un."
The men all stood in a row smiling in their best suits.
"It's finally the time of the night! Now let's hear our judges' and voters' decisions!"
Konan unfolded a card and read from it.
"Our judges and voters say, for Most Talented, Contestant 9, UCHIHA ITACHI!" Itachi stepped up smirking and received a sash stating 'Mr Talented'.
"For Most Formal, MR ZETSU!" Both sides of Zetsu merged back and went to receive their sash indicating 'Mr Formality'.
"Best Body in a swimsuit, MR HIDAN! Great, now we'll never hear the end of this." Hidan made a fuck yeah gesture and got his sash saying 'Mr Swimsuit'.
"We'll never hear the end of it either, un."
"Oh you're just fucking jealous."
"Best Answer, KISAME!" More applause and a new sash saying "Mr Talker" was given.
"We haven't won anything yet, un."
"Maybe both you and Sasori just aren't appealing to people," sniggered Kisame.
"Shut it shark boy. If you say we are unappealing, try saying it to Pein and Kakuzu's face."
"I AM still in this room you know," Pein looked pointedly at Kisame and Sasori.
"So am I," said Kakuzu.
Kisame looked sheepish and apologised.
"Now for the best body parts! Best eyes, Pein! Best arms, Kakuzu! Best smile, Kisame! Best legs, Deidara! Best hands, Sasori! Best hair, Itachi! Best chest, Hidan! Best ears, Zetsu!"
"Ears? Best ears? On the bright side at least we didn't get best legs like Deidara."
Deidara scowled at Zetsu, "At least I won something, un!"
"So did I, brat."
"For best fucking hands. Your hands must be dainty! Just like blondie's supposedly shapely legs!"
"Fuck off Hidan (un)!" Sasori and Deidara snapped at him.
"And I got the fucking best chest out of all of you!"
"You mean those loose moobs (man boobs) you call a chest?"
"Piss off puppet!"
"I might, if you bothered to come up with more original insults."
"Tobi is sad! Tobi didn't win anything! And Tobi is a good boy!"
"There's still more to the story Tobi. It hasn't ended yet you fool."
"AND NOW! For the most coveted title of the night! Winning by an overwhelming response, I present to you, MISTER AKATSUKI, TOBI!"
"WHAT?!" Hidan, Kisame and Deidara asked at the same time.
"According to responses, Tobi's talent was wonderful, making little kids happy with candy and entertaining adults with his song and dance. A modest show of his toned body and cute butt in the swimsuit show, and standing apart from his peers in a colourful suit for formal wear. Showed great confidence yet with some humility in his answer for a role model. YAY FOR MISTER AKATSUKI, TOBI!"
"That sucks, un."
"Tobi won over my hot body? The epitome of sex appeal that is me?!"
"Can't believe I tied with the brat in number of awards."
"Well it is just fiction, let's not get too serious about this guys," Konan tried to get them to stop sulking, "Pein, say something."
Pein looked at his criminals and gave a small sigh. "Although I must admit that my eyes are indeed the best out of everyone in this room, Konan is right. Stop fussing over a petty story."
Deidara sighed too before noticing something, "Uh, why is my butt feeling wet?"
"Did you not do potty training brat?"
The blond artist gave a sarcastic smile at Sasori before flaring up, "I MEANT THAT THE FLOOR IS WET DANNA, UN!"
Everyone else looked and realised that indeed there was a layer of water on the floor and it seemed to be rising slowly.
Somehow something made them all look at Kisame at the same time and he gave them a sharky grin before BOOM! The door of Itachi's room blasted open and huge waves of water gushed in and flooded the room. Everyone spluttered from the sudden sprays and paddled to the large, now floating desk in the middle of the room.
"KISAME?!" Pein roared.
Itachi had managed to save the scroll and was also sitting in the middle of the desk looking at the swirling waters around them in his room. He glared at the blue man who was still in the water.
Konan took the scroll from him and was about to roll it up when the words on the scroll refreshed.
Last Thoughts
What was going through Uchiha Obito's mind as the rocks fell upon him? A birthday special for someone who was a great friend and a good man but fell into darkness.
"Tobi didn't hear Konan-san properly over the roaring of Leader-sama and the water! Whose name did you mention?"
"I don't know who he is but the name is an Uchiha Obito."
Tobi didn't respond.
-end chapter-
A/N: Go check out riptocs' story, Dementia! It's a SasoDei fic, very sweet and sad! Spam her with reviews and make her update! :D
Fanfiction: /s/8421039/1/Dementia
Many thanks to eclipsed flower and riptocs for beta help!
Response to previous reviews:
BLOWBITO UCHIHAHAHA: Ah, I think my Mary-Sue is not Sue-ish enough either. Oh well, I'm just not as crazy as the other Mary-Sue fic writers I guess! Haha.
lilsakuraxxXX: Lol! Thank you, you awesome person! I'll try to update more regularly!
DutchyPuppy: Ooh, more Deidara? Haha, can't wait! One update coming right up! By the way, it doesn't have to be only one chapter. If two or more, I can combine them if they aren't excessively long, or if they are, we can scatter them and insert one of yours every couple of my chapters. Does this sound confusing? XD
mia: Yay you! And yay me!
Guest: Ew! No! I'm not going to watch that. I've watched it many times years ago, oh the horrifying sadism behind their sweet Happy Tree Friends façade. D: So. Much. Blood. Brrr.
kurohime1024: Hello! I remember you! I read your story, Akatsuki no Hime, before! Here you go, one update! :D
