Chapter Eleven
Lunch was filled with light conversation, mostly led by Alexis and Lizzie. Castle seemed as content as she was to let the girls have this time to fill Kate in on Wallace, the resident Channel Cat. She still couldn't believe that a fish of that sized lived in such a small body of water, but considering the number of smaller fish, he obviously had plenty of potential food.
He hadn't gotten to his current size overnight, and had obviously been too large to swim down the creek for at least several years, but it had still shocked her to see the fat catfish. Beckett had expected another small fish, or maybe something in the six to eight inch range, but Wallace easily had a foot on her largest estimation.
After they'd finished their turkey sandwiches and an assortment of fresh vegetables, Castle suggested they go on a hike and let their food settle. "No swimming for a half hour after eating." he explained to her and she rolled her eyes, but helped pack up lunch.
She was more than tempted to throw her shirt and jeans on, but the other three were headed off towards a trail to the side of the falls before she realized they had even actually decided they were hiking. Alexis looked back over her shoulder as Kate stood near the rock where they'd had lunch, eyes drifting between her clothes and the three walking away. "You coming, Kate?"
And just like that she decided, again, probably for the tenth time, to just go with it. She couldn't explain why letting go of all that she held so tightly was so difficult. She wouldn't have been able to pinpoint the moment in her life when having control over everything became a necessity and not just a preference. She knew herself well enough to recognize her own faults and understand that spontaneity and trust were two things that she didn't readily embrace.
Even so, Beckett couldn't believe how relaxed she was considering she was doing something that was so completely out of her comfort zone. Relying on others to plan her time had turned out surprisingly well and the day progressed with her following the lead that the others set. It actually felt liberating, in a strange way, to give over even that little bit of control to someone else.
She walked at their pace, not trying to embrace her normal long stride, but enjoying the scenery on a leisurely trek up a winding trail. She stopped when they stopped and appreciated the science lesson from Alexis about some plant or insect, or the humorous tale from Castle that seemed to follow any attempt for Alexis to get him to learn something. That had worked out to a nice leisurely hike, until she stood nervously on the cliff's edge beside the others, watching the waterfall from above. She didn't actually think she would follow them this time, though.
Alexis and Lizzie pulled their shoes off and tossed them over the edge. She watched the footwear clear the pool below them easily and come to rest in a grassy area well away from the spray of the falls. Kate caught Castle's eye and he gave her a small lopsided grin as encouragement. She simply shook her head at him. There was no way. There would be no convincing her and she wanted him to understand that from the get go.
Neither teen seemed to register her reluctance. Lizzie was the first to break off from them and she took a flying leap off the rocks, falling gracefully parallel to the waterfall to land feet first where they had swum earlier. Alexis watched her friend clear the space below the falls and then turned expressive blue eyes on Beckett. The teen didn't say anything, just smiled before taking a couple of steps and leaping into the air.
It was almost like a cartoon as Alexis launched off the rock and spun to face them. Beckett felt as if the teen stalled in mid-air, though that was ridiculous. She met the girl's eyes and her crooked little smile of pure delight as she waved before disappearing from Beckett's line of sight was probably one of the most youthfully exuberant expressions she had ever seen on the teen. It was as if this spot really was a place out of time and Alexis was transported back to days when she was more carefree and put far less demands on herself. She looked about ten years old with that huge smile and the little finger wave.
Kate couldn't help but grin at the picture that moment made in memory banks that had all too often been used to store only negative things. She had almost forgotten that pure joy like that existed; almost given up on the fact that she would ever bear witness to such a simple, yet powerful, moment. She smiled at the strangeness of it all. Despite how many times she'd been struck with the thought over the weekend, she couldn't help feeling a sense of gratitude for being able to experience this moment.
She hadn't had this little say about her itinerary since she had gone on vacation with her parents years before, and she had felt just like this then, too. Casual, comfortable, and content, though she couldn't remember if she had been quite so prone to alliteration during those family adventures. She was also certain she hadn't been so inclined to contemplate the significance of her sudden penchant for the literary devise with her family.
The word resonated in her mind, obliterating her previous urge to chuckle. She hadn't felt as if she were a welcome part of a real family moment in over a decade and the realization that she wasn't just observing, but participating in a family was enough to stop her thoughts in their tracks.
Kate had to force a slow and steady breath in and then out again as she watched Alexis and Lizzie. The girl's clambered out of the pool and scoop up their shoes. They had them back on their feet and were beating a hasty path back up to the top of the rocks above the falls.
She hadn't realized she'd lost herself in thought until the gentle graze of Castle's knuckles against the side of her arm brought her focus back from staring into the water below the rocky cliff. She didn't dare look at him, though she could practically hear the silent question, instead choosing to ignore it.
He took the moment literally, but she couldn't blame him, because if it weren't for being slapped across the face with her own realization, nothing would have torn her from this moment. "It's only about twenty feet and the water is plenty deep enough down there. There's nothing to be worried about." he informed her, his tone soft and reassuring as he dropped his hand back down and away from her.
She didn't let herself dwell on why lack of contact got her attention as effectively as contact with him had. Instead she pulled herself together enough to turn and face him with a cocked eyebrow, hoping to convey that she wasn't afraid of anything and his implying such was laughable.
The sound of upbeat conversation drifted up to meet them as the teens drew closer and she watched a subtle shift in his eyes. A moment later, he had her elbow gently cupped in his palm as he directed her away from the edge as if he were some Nineteenth Century nobleman leading a belle to the dance floor. She was surprised as she let him walk her away, but relieved at the same time with not needing to put up a false smile for the girls as her brain continued to buzz with conflicting thoughts and bewildering comparisons.
It wasn't until Alexis called to him over the distance he had established and Castle made an elaborate show of pointing as if he were talking to Beckett before turning back to his daughter. "I'm showing Kate that tree that attacked me a few years ago."
Alexis laughed, but the sound didn't seem any closer than her initial question had been, which afforded Kate the luxury of relaxing her worry that the girls would bring their upbeat selves over to join them and she'd be forced to put on a false smile. It was something she did all too often, but for some reason she didn't want to have to pretend here. Her promise to herself to go with the flow had seeped into allowing thoughts she hadn't entertained since she was a teen to seep in and while she didn't want to embrace them, necessarily, she also didn't want to push them away.
"Don't forget to point out 'concussion rock'." Alexis added from her vantage point obviously near the edge of the cliff. The loud peel of laughter drew Kate's eyes away from a spot she hadn't been focused on as she stared off into the woods. Glancing over her shoulder, she felt a bit of the positive mood restored at the sight of Alexis trapped in a bear hug from behind as Lizzie lifted the other teen's feet off the ground. It was only two steps before the brunette strode over the cliff's edge with Alexis still a captive. The delighted screams followed them down to end in a splash.
It was followed a few seconds later by giggles and lighthearted teasing that she could barely hear over the soft roar of the falls. Her eyes had reverted back to looking down the creak, focused only slightly on where it curved out of sight up a slight incline. Her mind wasn't on the sounds of the water or beauty of the natural setting. Instead she was deeply focused on the internal thoughts that would have been surprising if she hadn't been waiting for them to catch up to her since the moment she agreed to this little adventure.
She noticed Castle had dropped his hand from her once they moved away from the edge, but he didn't step away and she was confused to want him close and far away at the same time. Her thoughts were hers alone; they had been for so long, that to have another there in her space while she tried to work through them was disconcerting. The fact that it was someone who had been through so many things with her was the only part of this that seemed to allow her thoughts to continue where normally she would force them back and away.
He didn't speak, he didn't push or question, he didn't even seem to move. Simply standing beside her, waiting on her to decide whether she would or wouldn't share with him the reason for her sudden melancholy. It was his silent stand beside her that eventually broke through her rampaging thoughts.
"I haven't," she started and was surprised with the need to clear the tightness from her throat in order to voice her thoughts. "I haven't done this since I was seventeen." she informed him.
She felt the shift in him. She couldn't explain it as he wasn't touching her and her gaze was still fixed blindly on the horizon, but somehow she knew. He had tensed, but she was convinced it wasn't her words or emotion, but the force of holding back from a verbal or physical reaction to them. It was his desire to draw her out with a question or reassure her with a touch, but the force of holding it back had put him on edge.
Taking a deep breath and slowly releasing it, she finally tore her eyes from the creek she hadn't actually noticed until right before her eyes slipped away from it. She shouldn't have been surprised that her eyes met deep blue ones when she turned her head towards him, but she was. Perhaps it wasn't the fact that he was watching her, it was the light of recognition in his eyes.
Where she thought her word choice was vague enough to perhaps elicit a tease from him about cliff diving, the eyes looking back into her own revealed that he had seen right through the subtle deflection. Then he surprised her again when he didn't push. Instead he held her gaze until she felt herself nod, not sure if it was a thanks or a brush off, but the expression he leveled on her made her feel like either was acceptable to him in this instance. She was grateful and allowed the familiar blue eyes to pull her back from where her mind had dragged her.
When sharing that look with him started to shift from simply grounding her to something else that she didn't want to heap on everything else at the moment, she looked away. Her gaze fell on the tree he had pointed out earlier as he gave his excuses to Alexis. "So, 'concussion rock', really?" she asked, hoping he could ignore the way her voice came out sounding thick rolling off her tongue.
She couldn't tell, as she no longer held his gaze, but after a moment she heard a small chuckle. She didn't know if he was chuckling at her awful attempt to change the subject or the events he had yet to explain to her, but the sound was enough to pull her further back to here and now.
As he told the story of climbing up to help Alexis down when she'd gone higher than she was comfortable, only to fall from the tree himself, she could tell he was taking her lead on this one. She could tell he was forcing the good humor for a long moment, letting her gather herself again.
After a couple minutes of describing his heroic intentions, she heard his tone change to actually embrace the story. It took her an extra minute to realize that he had given in to the pull of his tale because she had done so first and she almost smiled that he was even following her lead into his story telling, something that was certainly more his territory than her own.
She listened quietly, letting his story lull her back until she was fully in the present again. It took a few more minutes for her to rein everything in and then she turned back, walking carefully and with precision back to the cliff's edge. He joined her a moment later and they looked down to see the teens sunning on the large boulder. Silently taking in the beauty that surrounded her, Kate felt that last bit of sadness well up and wash over her, leaving the good thoughts of her childhood in their wake.
She turned back towards him with a smile, not sure what she could say about how much it meant to her to be here. She was certain she could never communicate what it meant to be forming memories from moments that would have been filled with quiet solitude in her apartment this long weekend without his family to enjoy it with.
He returned the smile cautiously and opened his mouth before an air of indecision seemed to sweep him and he closed it again. She let her head fall to the side slightly, a silent question that seemed to bolster his confidence. "You know, if you're missing family vacations," he began, his tone hesitant before he gained confidence in them and finished almost in a rush. "We do this kind of thing all the time. It's really no trouble having an extra person along."
It was a simple, quiet statement, a sort of open ended offer that brought her crashing back to reality. She was still reeling with the knowledge that he had basically invited her to join his family and the potential ramifications of that statement. Yet, watching his expression, she didn't note an ulterior motive in him, couldn't discern a single implication that he was intending the comment as anything more than a friendly offer. As her gaze shifted back over the landscape, she found herself contemplating whether that was reassuring or disappointing.
He didn't give her long to dwell on the thought as, for the second time in as many hours, she found herself swept into his arms. In a similar hold as Lizzie used against Alexis just a short time ago, Castle's arms came around her from behind, pinning her back against his chest with a tight hold around her midsection as he lifted her feet off the ground.
A moment before he stepped off the edge she felt his warm breath and quiet words wash across her ear and cheek as his light stubble brushed her skin, "You're not wearing pants." he informed her simply. The reference was clearly to her earlier play to escape his clutches, but the word choice and more the choice of what to leave out of that particular sentence, along with the scrape of his rough stubble, sent a delicious shiver through her.
She didn't know if it was instinct for self-preservation or something decidedly more base that had her clutching his arms tightly where they held her to him as he took them over the edge. However, as she felt the rush of falling and his arms tightened around her, she wondered why she even cared to analyze it. Go with the flow, she reminded herself, as she felt her feet impact the water before they sank into the deep pool. The cold didn't seem nearly as shocking with him wrapped tightly around her and it was a long moment after impact before he let go so they could swim to the surface.
x.x.x
A/N: I'm sorry for the long delay. I was going to finish To Have and To Hold before I came back here, because it took a lot of effort to get back into the mindset and finally figure out how I wanted that one to end. Instead, real life has been a mess and I needed this little boost of positive to help get me through all that has been going on.
Today, the drama and insanity happening in my life was lessened slightly by my sister who did the coolest/cruelest thing ever. She bought me a unicycle. I have wanted one since I was a kid, but unfortunately an almost thirty year old, over weight person and a unicycle results in a lot of sore muscles and a bruised shin, but in the end a little pride as I pedaled it upright… for one and a half turns of the wheel.
Review that made my day: crazy4castle, I'm glad to have you on board. Thanks for sticking up for me. I disclaimed in chapter One that this was being written for a challenge. I explained how silly the premise that Jameson Rook provided me was and how it would be a challenge to keep them even remotely in character. As a result, negative reviews get an eye roll befitting my favorite heroine for expecting this to be Retaliation or To Have and To Hold because they didn't read the disclaimer. If all my stories were the same I'd never write again, too boring. I appreciate you taking the time to note that right from the beginning and not judge it based on what it isn't but instead on what it is. Your words are appreciated.
Thanks to everyone for reading.
