Chapter 11: The Break-up

Previously on Touch of Your Hand:

Quinn met up with Lucy and her girlfriend after physical therapy to talk about her situation with Rachel. It ended up being very insightful and caused Quinn to really want to prove to Rachel that she's here to stay, as a friend or more. Meanwhile Rachel took Finn to dinner, supposedly to celebrate his birthday but actually to talk to him about their announcement at his party on Friday regarding the new date for their wedding. During the first part of their date, Finn had told her that he didn't get accepted to the acting school he had applied to right after she had given him his present. Now it was time to get to the second and hard part of their evening.

Rachel's POV

"There's something we need to talk about …" Cliché, I know, but maybe that's a good thing. After all, it gives the recipient a hint of what's to come, at least that's what I thought.

That first sentence was the start of a fifteen minute speech that I had tried to put together for the past few days. Luckily, Finn did manage to pay attention throughout it all for a change. He didn't really give away how he was taking it though. I tried to be positive, using as few negative words as possible. I told him we had a good time together but the dynamic had changed. That we both had a bright future ahead of us, but we were headed in different directions which would make it harder to make it all work. I assured him we could be in each other's lives but it would be in both our best interests to call the wedding off.

I tried my hardest to not make him feel too bad, hoping that we'd come out of this as friends, at least eventually. The food arrived just after I was done talking, anxious to know Finn's reaction to the rather unhappy news. What I got was not in any of the scenarios I had pictured when preparing for this night. All he did was tell the waiter to go ahead and bring the check before he started eating. He didn't look up from his plate, not even when I was pleading for him to say something, anything … The check was brought when Finn was already half way through his food, while I hadn't even touched my salad. I decided to let him eat in silence, hoping it would give him time to process things and talk to me afterwards. That hope was at least fulfilled.

I looked up to him when I heard him put his cutlery down. The words that came next again caught me by surprise. "Is this a test?" He asked. "Is this your way of trying to force me to come to New York with you? Is there someone else? What is this?"

His questions worried me. They also hurt quite a bit, but I decided not to focus on that since he was hurting too. The thing that threw me most though, was the tone of his voice. He sounded so calm … It scared me to no end. I figured he had used his meal to calm himself down as best he could and to gather his thoughts. They weren't thoughts I expected him to have however.

All I did was open up about my concerns on our pending nuptials, yet he saw this as a test? I wanted us to be adults about this. After all, we were talking about marriage. An endeavor that very much requires two adult parties. I didn't appreciate having accusations thrown in my face, even the one about there being someone else. It's not that that didn't play a part in this, I could at least admit that to myself. But he should know, I would never cheat on him! Not after last time!

After his questions I took a few seconds to relieve my anger. There was no point in starting a yelling match.

"Finn, this isn't some trick of ploy to get you to do something. This is me genuinely telling you that we shouldn't get married. We're too young and there's too many factors against us. New York is my future. I can't let anything … or anyone stand in the way of that. Please just try to understand. I know I'm hurting you and that's the last thing I want to do, but in the end this is best for the both of us."

Finn nodded and seemed to be struggling with his emotions. "Can you just take me home? I need some time to think."

I easily agreed. The ride home was quiet but not too uncomfortable I thought. He just needed some time and space to think about what I told him. I just hoped that he'd be able to talk more tomorrow. Little did I know what that time and space would lead to …

School on Thursday came and went. Finn never crossed me in the hallways and seemed to keep as much distance as possible during our shared classes. He was obviously avoiding me and I couldn't really blame him. Luckily, I had Quinn by my side. She listened carefully as I told her what had happened the night before. She tried to assure me in every way possible that I had done the right thing. And even though she has her reasons for wanting me and Finn apart, none of them seemed to matter. She was just trying to be a good friend. She even managed to say a few good things about Finn, something that hadn't occurred since our actual friendship started. It seemed she really wanted to be there for me, with no expectations or judgment, and I really appreciated it.

She made me more confident about my decision. So whether Quinn and I end up together or not, I knew I could count on her as a friend. The voice inside my head telling me it wouldn't last was still present, but at least it wasn't as powerful anymore. "Focus on yourself and your future," she had said. This made me realize how much I have to look forward to. It started to make me feel like my old self again and caused me to crave for the making of a new Myspace video. My days of putting it online for everyone one to see and unfortunately tear me down were behind me, but it would be nice to add something new to my personal collection.

Just as I had everything set up and the lyrics of the Kelly Clarkson song I had chosen perfectly memorized, there was a knock at the door.

"Come in." I called out since I assumed it was one of my dads. Turns out I had missed the doorbell while I was listening to the song one last time, since it was Finn standing on the other side of the door.

"Finn, hey." I said. He stood lingering at the door, completely unsure of what to do with himself.

After a bit of silence, it seemed like minutes but it was likely that just a few seconds had passed, I asked him to come into my room. The silence continued so I went on to hope my next question could get him talking.

"How are you?" I asked as I sat myself on the bed, assuming he would follow. Instead he started walking around the room, clearly lost in thought, until finally he stopped to look at me and spoke.

"I'm okay. Thanks for uhm … giving me some time and stuff. I just needed to think and I've come to a conclusion, so I need you to hear me out."

I gave him a nod to indicate that I was listening and so he continued.

"I understand that you're scared and worried about us, especially if I don't go to New York with you. I get that, I really do … But I'm not worried . Whether I'm with you in New York or not, I know we can do this. I can work at the shop so I can earn some money and at the same time take classes like the one from your present. That way we'll have a bit saved up by the time I get to New York a year later. It will give you some space to discover New York on your own, while still having me to lean on when you get lonely. You can still have your dream and have me with you, I promise. All we have to do is get through the next year, and we can be together. I know you said you wanted to call off the engagement, but what if we just postponed the wedding. I can come over sometime to help find a place for us. We can get married in New York, it would be perfect."

He was painting a pretty good picture, but I knew I had to stick to my resolve. I didn't say anything, because I could tell he wasn't done talking. At this point, he was kneeling before me, holding my hands and looking me right in the eyes.

"I feel like you're giving up on us and I don't want this to end. We can make this work, I know we can. You just have to trust that. You just have to trust me."

Part of me felt so happy to hear him fight for us like that. He sounded so passionate and so like the man I knew he could be. I realized though that these were still just words and I just didn't have it in me to trust it anymore. I had certain expectations from my significant other. While some of it might just be me being high maintenance, over all, it was more than that. And over all, Finn just didn't seem to be enough anymore. I'm not that sixteen year old girl that wanted desperately to be liked and that needed a leading man by her side. I am now headed to Broadway, I am on my way to reaching my dream and the person standing next to me needed to understand and support that fully. When I look back now, Finn just didn't seem like the guy I needed next to me. At this moment, there was a certain blonde that was showing a lot more potential. No amount of promises were gonna change my mind.

I knew he'd try to convince me to stay together, but unfortunately that only meant that I had to make myself even clearer. Sadly, that also meant I had to break his heart all over again. New York needed to be my sole focus right now, and that won't be possible if he's still holding me back.

"Finn, I appreciate what you're trying to do and I know you believe that we can make it last, but I honestly don't think we should be together anymore. I need to focus on my career and I can't do that as long as you're keeping a part of me away from New York. And even if you could come with me, I'm afraid we'd only drift further away from each other. It would only cause us more hurt and I don't want that for either of us. If we end it now, we can make a clean break. You can choose which way to go next year without having to consider me. Like I said yesterday, we can still be in each other's lives, I want that very much. But we just can't be in it the way we are right now."

The tears he had been fighting were slowly coming down. I know I just broke his heart and I hated that.

"So you're ending this? I thought you just didn't want to get married anymore. I thought you were having second thoughts because of New York and my rejection letter. But now you're telling me it's over? I don't get it, we were doing fine, we just …"

"We weren't doing fine, Finn." I interrupted. "We barely talked anymore. We've hardly slept in the same bed together and the time we do spend together, there's barely any intimacy between us. I'm just trying to keep us both from making a mistake and getting hurt even more. We weren't on the right track, we haven't been for a while now."

"Who is it?" He suddenly asks me, rage now clear in his eyes.

"What?" I asked.

"Who's the one that's been filling your head with this? Was it Quinn? Because before the accident, everything was going fine and then you started to spend all your time with her … You know she's just jealous, right? She's not your friend Rachel. You were there for her when she needed someone so now she probably feels obligated to be friends with you."

I knew he was just angry and felt like lashing out, but unknowingly he was saying the exact things that were worrying me. Whether there was any truth in what he was saying, didn't matter right now though. My friendship with Quinn wasn't the issue here, and I needed to make that clear.

"This isn't about Quinn and you know it." My own anger was starting to show. When he first came here with his little speech, I thought he had come to talk to me like a man. Instead he was just being the same insecure boy he usually is when things don't go his way. Him dragging Quinn into this, only made my resolve stronger.

"This is about you and me. And when you really think about it, you know I'm right about all of this. I love you, I really do, but we can't keep doing this. We've lost some of the spark that we used to have in our relationship and I don't see us finding a way to get that back. It's time for us to let each other go."

Tears had come streaming down my face. I hadn't wanted this, I had hoped we could have a mature conversation without it turning into yelling and tears. I just couldn't keep it in anymore. Finn just needed to face reality and admit that things weren't right. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he wasn't done fighting. It wasn't really in his nature, I suppose. I just needed to stay strong and hope that he would open his eyes to the truth soon.

He left a few minutes later, but not before asking me to think about what I was giving up. I had already thought plenty about the repercussions, so instead I focused on finding a way to make it even more clear to him that I wasn't about to change my mind. I already had a few things in mind that I knew I'd had to get around to eventually.

Returning his engagement ring for example. I hadn't been wearing it on my finger the past week, just on a chain around my neck. My now former fiancé, of course, hadn't noticed it. Another thing I needed to do, was sing a song in Glee. Throughout our relationship there had been many reasons for songs between us, it was the way we communicated without having to say certain things directly. Hopefully this time, it would help in convincing him.

Then there was the party tomorrow. I was still considering going yesterday, as I sign of my wanting to be friends. But since that probably wasn't how he would see it, I knew I shouldn't attend. Instead I'll ask Quinn to hang out. I needed her shoulder, whether to cry or just lean on would depend on how tomorrow goes.

With Finn gone and my plans for the next day thought out, I headed down to talk to my fathers. On my way down I turned my phone off, expecting Finn to be calling and texting me. I know my dads knew something was up and they had been waiting for me to come tell them. As I explained my predicament, they were as supportive and understanding as ever. All they really want for me is to be happy. I could tell they were relieved though. It was then that I realized how hard this must have been for them all this time. I just hoped they weren't too disappointed in me for my foolishness.

After our talk, lots of hugs, kisses and I love you's, I went to bed early. I was thoroughly exhausted from the fight and all the emotions that had come with it. I fell asleep wondering what the next day would bring. It wouldn't be easy, that's for sure, but if I stuck to my plan, perhaps there would be a turnaround soon. Eventually I would find that no one could have predicted just what was going to happen the next day …

I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I hadn't slept very well, too many thoughts moving through my head. Today was a big day. Today I was going to return Finn's ring, make it publicly known through song that we were over and hopefully spend the evening with Quinn because there were a few things we needed to say to each other. Of course I had to ask the blonde first.

Until now, I hadn't been able to define my feelings for Quinn, I just had a few facts Like how I thought she was the prettiest girl I had ever met. And how I really didn't like to see Santana kiss her. I also knew that she's quickly become the most important person in my life and I was failing in picturing any kind of future without her.

So hopefully tonight I can tell her how much she means to me and what that could lead to. But at the same time, I need to make it clear that I'm not ready for a new relationship. Even though in my heart I know that Finn and I have been over for a while now, the engagement only just ended. I just hope she will be willing to wait.

I got out of bed and started on my elliptical, something that usually helps in clearing my mind. The shower afterwards helped as well, as I went through the song I would be singing in Glee. Sure the reason for it was very much Finn related, but I had grown accustomed to focusing on the lyrics and the melody rather than the feelings that were stirring within me when I needed to.

Soon enough, I was ready to go pick up Quinn. The doctor had okayed her for driving, but I had asked to pick her up one last time. Originally, I just didn't want to put an end to our arrangement just yet. Now however, I was hoping she'd agree to spend the evening with me, starting the moment school ended. If she agrees, I'll just take her home with me since my fathers are going to be out late. A few minutes later I'm pulling up to the Fabray's. As usual Judy lets me inside to find Quinn eating away her bacon. She smiles when she sees me coming in, but there seemed to be a hint of worry in her eyes. Something we'll probably talk about on our way to school.

"Glad the week is over?" I ask, hoping she'd appreciate some light conversation.

"Definitely!" She answers. "I'm glad to be back at school and all, but missing a few weeks is harder than I thought. I just hope I get up to speed soon enough."

"I'm sure you'll be fine. You're one of the smartest people in our year. I'm sure they'll cut you some slack if you need it, but I doubt you will."

She smiles appreciatively at me. It baffles me sometimes how little faith she has in herself. She's had to overcome a lot in the last few years and it only seemed to have made her stronger. I've been privileged to see that it's partly a front she puts up in front of others, it's not uncommon for experiences as hers to put a dent in someone's self-esteem. But despite all of that, she's grown up a lot and she's become someone you can depend on. I see so much strength and potential in her, if only she could see it in herself.

"Well, let's get this day started." She says, putting her dirty dishes in the sink. "That way, hopefully, it will be over sooner."

As we walk out the door, she calls out to her mom who was busy getting ready for work. It didn't take much longer after that for Quinn to tell me what had caused the worry in her eyes.

"So, I texted you yesterday but you never texted back. I assume you went to bed early?"

I unlocked the doors and went to sit in the driver's seat. Realization dawned on me that while shutting off my phone had successfully prevented Finn from contacting me, it had caused Quinn to not hear from me as well.

"I did actually, but I turned my phone off and I still haven't turned it back on which is why I never answered. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry or anything."

"I wasn't exactly worried." She told me, though the tone of her voice made me believe that was a lie. I couldn't help but think how cute she was being. "You just usually text right back and don't ever seem to turn your phone off."

She was right about that. Since I've never had that many people to text, I tend to make it so that the people that text me now get a response ASAP. It was good manners really. I hardly ever turn my phone off at night since it's usually my alarm. This morning however, I used my old radio instead.

"Yeah, uhm … Finn came over last night. It got pretty heated and afterwards I thought it best to turn my phone off, just in case he started calling."

"I'm guessing it wasn't a very pleasant visit."

That was an understatement.

"You guess right. First he made this speech about us being able to make it work, whether he was in New York with me or not. He told me to trust that and him, but I don't have that trust anymore. After I told him that, he seemed to realize that I didn't just want to call of the wedding, but actually put an end to our relationship. This made him sad at first but then he got angry, he even dragged you into it, not that that was entirely unsurprising. I told him in no uncertain terms that this was about me and him and that things hadn't been right for a while now. He left after that but not before telling me to think about what I was giving up. That of course made me even more sad, since he really should know that I wouldn't have done this without thinking it through. After that emotional rollercoaster, I turned off my phone and went downstairs to tell my dads. This led to even more emotions which caused me to turn in earlier than I usually do."

My explanation had lasted long enough for me to be pulling up to the school. We were pretty early, seeing how I had left early to begin with. Luckily this would give me plenty of time to discuss some other matters with Quinn.

"I'm sorry Rach, I know that must have been hard. Unfortunately, I'm not that surprised he behaved that way. He doesn't take rejection well."

"I know. That's why I have thought out exactly what needs to be done in order to get him to realize we're done."

Quinn looked at me quizzically, wondering what it was I had up my sleeve. I take of the chain around my neck and hand it over to the blonde.

"Your engagement ring?" She asks.

"I'll be returning it the moment I run into Finn. I'm hoping this will make him realize that I'm completely serious about this. Combined with the song I'll be singing for him in Glee, he won't have a choice but to except that we're over."

She looks over to me with a small smile, a certain shyness in her eyes. "It's really over, huh?" She asks.

I return her smile, sensing the hidden meaning behind it and my anticipation for our evening together increases.

"It really is. It's been a long time coming really. Part of me regrets not telling him sooner, at least then I didn't have to break his heart on his birthday and maybe he would've accepted my friendship request so that I could at least attend his birthday party."

"You're not going to his party?" She asks me.

I really had gotten good in predicting Quinn's reactions, because I had expected the conversation to lead this way. Now was the perfect moment to suggest our evening could be spend together.

"No, I decided not to. He would most likely take it as hope to get back together and I don't want that. I really don't want to be having the same conversation all over again. I was actually hoping you might want to come over, we can make it a girls' night in. Unless you were planning to go of course, I don't want to stand in the way of your friendship with Finn …"

"My friendship with Finn hasn't been very friendly lately. I was actually only planning to go to keep you company and make sure that things don't get out of hand. Girls' night in sounds absolutely perfect!"

Statements like those, really make me believe that she's being completely genuine. Surely if she was only being my friend because she felt guilty, she'd shown her true colors by now. I should really stop doubting her and just accept her friendship is true and she's really my friend.

"Awesome! My dads are out 'till late, so we can order in and watch whatever we want and talk about anything we feel like. It's gonna be so much fun!" I tell her, unable to hide my excitement. The day was looking a lot better now that I had something to look forward to. I had contemplated mentioning what I would want to talk about, but it seemed better to just play it by ear. I wouldn't want her to get her hopes up too much, because although it was good news, it came with its down sides.

"Well, be better get inside. I have a ring to return and you have a test to review for." I tell her, still smiling bright. She just chuckles as she makes her way out of the car and into the building.

During the length of any of my relationships I try to get accustomed to their habits. That way I easily know where to find them and even guess which mood they'll be in. That's how I know that in about five minutes Finn will be coming out of the men's room and he'll be rather satisfied. It's not a fact I enjoy knowing so much, I assure you, but there are certain advantages in knowing a man's stool. For me right now, that advantage will be that it's more probable that Finn can hold his temper thus avoiding a big break up scene in front of the entire school population. Knowing Finn as well as I do, he wouldn't be able to deal with the embarrassment and might do something stupid. Fingers crossed!

"Hi Finn." I greet him as I'm walking towards him. He smiles at me, obviously happy to see me. As I give him a look, trying to say 'I'm sorry I hurt you and unfortunately I'm not done since you seem to be unable to accept that we are', his smile turns into a frown.

"Hey Rach, I'm glad you're here. I was up all night thinking and I wanted to tell you that …"

Before he could go off in another attempt at winning me back, I grab his hand and place my ring in the middle of it. As expected, that gesture made him stop talking.

"I thought it would be best if I returned this as soon as possible. I would also like to inform you that I won't be attending your party tonight. I am really sorry that I hurt you, but this is the last apology you'll hear from me in regards to our break up. I know you don't want to end this, but nothing you do or say now is going to change the way I feel. I need you to understand that. The sooner you do, the better chance we have of still being friends."

He looks at me with his sad puppy dog face, unable to respond. Looks like there will be no public break up, which is more than fine with me. It seems things might turn out for the better after all.

"I'll see you in Glee."

After that I walk away. Class will start in just a few minutes, so I know he won't come chasing after me. Phase 1 is now complete.

The next few classes I find myself being able to focus so much better than every other class in the past week. Without that ring on my necklace, a weight seems to have been lifted. The happiness inside me keeps growing and for a second I'm thinking about not singing in Glee. It might cause the exact thing that I want to avoid, being that Finn gets upset and finds some new and public way of convincing me to stay with him. Luckily, I do have another number prepared with a message that's more 'even though our relationship is over, I wish you the best and I hope we can still be friends' rather than 'get it through your head, we're over'. With that in mind I make my way to the choir room, not knowing that there's not going to be any kind of singing today …


There you finally have it, chapter 11. I actually wrote the first part two weeks ago because I wanted to update it on my birthday, but I didn't feel like it was enough. Unfortunately I wasn't able to finish it until today, hence the hold up. The next chapter though, was written several months ago. I just need to do a bit of editing so that it takes account the different things that have happened after I wrote it. I shouldn't take too long, definitely faster than this update!

I hope you all liked the new chapter! If anybody has any ideas on what you think will happen, don't hesitate to let me know. Any suggestions, thoughts or request are also always welcome.

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and alerted so far, I hope I'm keeping you entertained.

Any mistakes as always are my own. Should any of them bother you, just let me know. I'm always eager to learn and improve my English.

Until next time!

Lucy