"How long have you known about this?" Meredith asked.
Izzie looked at George, who still wouldn't look at her. She did not want to be there, just as she didn't want to be there when George found out. Maybe she should have told them before. This was way too uncomfortable.
They were waiting for her to speak. They still looked angry, but they also looked concerned, which she was sure those were the two emotions they were feeling.
"A couple months," she said quietly.
"A couple months?" Alex repeated. "Why didn't you say something before?"
She didn't answer the question. She was looking at her feet, too ashamed to look at them.
"She didn't-" George started, but Alex cut him off.
"I didn't ask you, I asked her. Let me guess, she told you right away, didn't she?"
"I told him a couple weeks ago," Izzie said. "And I didn't mean to, it was just kind of inevitable."
"But all this time," Meredith said, her voice trailing away.
"I'm sorry," Izzie said sadly.
"So is it true?" Cristina asked. "There's nothing they can do for you?"
Izzie looked at her.
"Next time you should make sure people can't listen at the door."
"You were listening?"
"Like you wouldn't."
Izzie sighed. "No, there's nothing they can do for me. The symptoms appeared to late, the cancer had already spread. They told me I had six months. That was a couple months ago, so I have…about four now."
They all stared at her in disbelief. None of them looked angry anymore. George finally looked at her. He nodded.
They really didn't know what to say for a long time. They stood there, looking at each other, as Meredith, Cristina and Alex took in what she said. George stood up.
"It'll be better this way," he said. He looked at the others. "She didn't want you to know because-"
"Because I didn't want anything to be different," she said. "I wanted to pretend it wasn't there, and that everything was fine, so I didn't tell you. If you knew, I couldn't pretend and…I needed that, because that's just how I deal with it."
"We can help you deal with it," Meredith said consolingly.
"You don't understand, I don't want help," she said. "I want to do this…I just want to pretend."
"Well you can't now," Cristina said. "You might think pretending is good-"
"You aren't in my position," Izzie said firmly. "You don't know what the best way for me to deal with it is. You don't understand, and you can't."
"Sorry," Cristina said, backing off.
"I'm sorry," Izzie said. "I'm really sorry, I know I…I had my reasons, you have to understand."
But they didn't seem to. She now saw how much George understood her compared to the others. She did not think she could be there any longer.
"I have to go, there's something I forgot to do," she said, and went to leave.
"You can't just walk away after this," Meredith said, but that didn't stop Izzie from leaving. She looked at all of them waiting for her to speak again, and walked out of the room without another word.
They were silent for several moments. They all looked at George.
"I told her to tell you," he said, "but I think that she waited so long that she couldn't."
"Why wouldn't she want us to know?" Meredith asked.
"I think she explained that already," George pointed out.
"How did you find out?" Alex asked him.
"Pretty much the same way," George said, not looking at them when he did so. He no longer wanted to be there either.
"I can't believe this," Meredith said hollowly. "We live with her and we didn't know this?"
"That's not your fault," he said. "But you really should be quiet about this, especially around her. She just doesn't like to talk about it. If she wants tom she will. You just have to wait for her to come to you, because otherwise you'll just push her away."
Meredith, Alex and Cristina just looked at each other. George felt his work was done, and followed Izzie out the door.
As she walked the halls Izzie tried to imagine that them knowing was a good thing, but it didn't seem to be true. She wished that she could go back and do everything over again. The past couple weeks that George knew had been livable, but now she wasn't sure it would stay that way. She could just picture the others harassing her about it, which is the last thing that she wanted. But it was out now, and there was nothing she could do about it.
She spotted Callie as she walked past her. They looked at each other for a split second, then looked away. Izzie had almost forgotten that she told Callie too. She wondered what Callie had said to George about it. Any of it. They hadn't talked about what happened between them, so she had no idea where anything stood.
Izzie went to Mr. Ackerman's room. She was glad to see him awake so she could talk to him.
"Hello Mr. Ackerman," she said as she came in the room.
"Dr. Stevens," he said and smiled.
"So are you ready for the surgery tomorrow?" she asked, sitting down.
He seemed to think about it a moment before answering.
"Yes," he said. "I think I am. I'm ready to fight this."
She smiled. "I'm glad to hear it."
He looked at her closely for a minute, then said, "You don't look too happy."
"I am," she said. But he smiled, and she said, "Just had a talk with my friends."
"About what?" he asked.
"I didn't tell them," she said, "and they weren't too happy about it."
"I'm sure they weren't," he said, "but I know the feeling. I didn't feel comfortable telling people either. But I'm glad I did. It was worth it. It'll be worth it."
She smiled and nodded.
"Well I should go," she said, standing up. "Your big day is tomorrow."
"Will you be in there?" he asked. "The operating room?"
"I'll be watching," she smiled, and said goodnight.
George followed Izzie's steps, and doing so he also ran into Callie. He hadn't seen her since yesterday, and for a moment he forgot about everything else.
"Looking for Izzie?" Callie asked. "Well she went that way."
He sighed.
"I'm really sorry," he said sincerely. "I never wanted to hurt you, I really didn't."
"Then why'd you do it?" she asked.
For that he had no answer. She looked away.
"So are you moving out then?" she asked instead.
"Do you want me to?"
"Do you want to?"
He had no answer for that either. He had no idea what he wanted. He wished he did, because he was tired of being torn. He wanted to be with Izzie, but he didn't want to have this bitterness between him and Callie. He was unsure, and Callie didn't seem to like that.
"Well I guess you've made up your mind," she said, and turned to walk away. He grabbed her arm to stop her.
"I haven't," he said.
She faced him again.
"That's not good enough. If I am going to be with someone, I don't want it to be a person who has to think about it. If you have to think about it, then we're done."
She did walk away this time, and he didn't try to stop her. He did not know what to do.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Meredith stood downstairs for some time, debating on what to do and what to say. She was still trying to comprehend what she learned today. She wanted to do what was right by Izzie, for it was her decision that mattered.
She made up her mind and went upstairs to Izzie's room, where she had been hiding to avoid them. She hesitated for a moment, then softly knocked on the door.
"Izzie?" she asked. "Can I talk to you?"
There was no reply at first. Meredith guessed that Izzie was afraid to talk to her. After a moment, Izzie said, "Yeah, come in."
Meredith opened the door. Izzie did not look at her, still ashamed of what she did. Meredith sat down opposite of her on her bed, and Izzie looked up at her, expecting more criticism.
Mer seemed to think about her words for a moment. "If what you want is to…not talk about this, then I'll respect that because it's not my choice. I do understand where you're coming from, even though I don't want to. I'd probably do the same thing. But if you ever do want to talk about- whatever, you can talk to me."
Izzie was surprised, but she was also pleased.
"Thank you," she said. "I'm sorry I'm like this-"
"Like I said, I'd probably be the same way," Meredith said. She smiled, and Izzie returned it. Mer stood up.
"Well alright then," she said. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Okay," Izzie said, and Meredith left the room, shutting the door behind her. Izzie felt bad, making them pretend everything was fine when it wasn't, and they probably wanted to know things too. But she couldn't do it, though she wished she could. At least they understood her. For now. She went to bed, wondering how Mr. Ackerman's surgery would go tomorrow, if he'd get the chance he didn't have.
