"Forgotten Revelations"
I hate this place, I hate it with all of my soul. I have no real idea as to what it is, or why I'm stuck here. Am I dead? Is this death, my punishment for my crimes? It's fitting, being stuck here. Stuck in my own little slice of nothing, my own purgatory. A never-ending canvas of white stretching as far as I could ever imagine.
Dots in the distance are always present, but they never get closer. Or do they? I have no idea how long I've been here; days, weeks, months? I don't know. I've tried to move, over and over I've tried to get up and move, walk to the dots and find their secrets. But I can't, every attempt is met with pain in a body I don't have, a phantom pain sent to haunt me, to mock me.
"Please don't go." The voice is deafening, booming through me. But it doesn't come from anywhere, just a feeling to crash into me and pull back.
"Please, Sam, please just let me in so we can fix whatever is wrong." Her voice is just as pained as it was that day, on the verge of tears, never wanting to accept me leaving. It's not as loud as the first time. It's warm, less a crushing pain and more a slow wave, lapping at the edges of my mind. But it's no less painful.
"You can't do this. I need you," it cries. I understand now, what this is.
The dots are closer but still unidentifiable. This is my mind; the home of my shame. Home to every memory, good or bad. Home to every fear and thought. Every choice I've made, every fuck up and every mistake. And now it's overwhelming. A sea of emotion and despair: infinite white, dotted with flashing memories.
I'll never feel the good ones. Never feel Carly curled next to me after a scary movie, never see her smile as I make a terrible joke or remember the smell of her hair or the warmth of her skin. Those things are gone from me now. All that's left are the things I hate. The feeling of making her cry, of hurting her. Or the feeling I get when Bruce died in my arms, how I felt when I saw Kirk die or that fucking helicopter smash into that building. No, I don't get to the smiles, only the pain.
But that's not why I hate it here. I hate it here because every time one of these memories invades my mind, every time I'm forced to relive those moments, a weird feeling fills me. Like a breeze is coming through my soul. And when the memories leave me, everything is pale. Gone is the bright white, replaced with a sickly pale; a cold color that can only be described as tinted with death.
And there's always something in the corner of my vision, something skipping around and dancing and toying with my sanity; slowly creeping ever closer. I caught it rearing its head once. But all there was was a darkened image. Just malevolence, hatred, and, anger. And yet, somehow also serenity. I would welcome it, wish it to come take me, but it stops; it won't come closer than it has.
I can hear it, though, I can hear it whispering things. Quietly at first before becoming horrendous, intolerable shrieks. And I welcome it. I want it to come closer; I want it to end this. But it won't. It just hides in the corner of my vision before skipping around when I look. And the shrieks die down, becoming those horrible whispers again.
"Why are you doing this to me?" it's helpless to ask, because what am I asking? What am I even speaking to?
The whispers pick up, distinguishable voices now. All hatred, all lost and hopeless. And that's when it comes to the light, no longer a dot skipping around but... something sitting in front of me
"BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DECIDE!" It's one voice, quick and violently louder than the others.
"What do you mean?" I ask as the figure shifts and glides closer, so close. A shiver of fear slides down my spine and suddenly I have a form again.
It's so close, I can see now: it's more than nothing, a black hooded phantom. Physical but at the same time still ethereal. All the white melts away and I'm standing under a light, trapped in one spot. And it's there, moving around me; a blurred figure gliding on a cloud of black smoke spilling from it. And when I try to focus, try to see what it really is, pain shoots through me.
"What do you want from me?" I look right at it and collapse to my knee in pain, half my body feeling as though it were engulfed in flames. But just as quickly as it's there, it's gone. Replaced by a hand and a voice. Wrapping its way around me… through me.
"I want you." The voice comes from a different direction as if it was walking around me.
"NO!" The scream comes from me quickly, almost on its own. I can feel a pulse as it makes a horrible sound. The sound of fire crackling, of trees falling and metal crunching and under it... a laugh?
"But did you not just wish me closer? Did you not ask me to come end this… this gift given to you?" The voice is deep. But somehow hollow. But also smug.
"Gift, what gift?" I ask and it moves again.
Looking up I can see it now. A ghastly figure, barely recognizable. Like black smoke that's taken the shape of a man. And it's coming closer. I see something coming out of it, a deathly white hand grabbing my chin, tilting my head upwards. But as I look at the figure my vision is blocked by the blinding light of a spotlight and all I see is a silhouette.
"Revelation. Realization. Awakening. Redemption, perhaps. I know not. Nor am I aware of why you have been given such things. You have not earned them, you do not deserve them. You should not have them, And yet you do." The hand is gone. Replaced by… nothing. A sense of nothing.
"Who are you?"
The voice laughs, a soul-wrenching bellow.
"Not who, but what. To give me a title, to anchor me to reality with such things is impossible. No, no, no. I am more than that. I am everything, and yet I am nothing. I am loved by some, hated by more and feared by all. Some like you," the figure shifts away. "Say you do not fear me. And yet when I come for them," it turns and points a bony skeletal finger. "They beg and plead for their souls. Hide and whimper, praying to one that should make me leave. But I don't, I can't."
I stand partially just to be slammed back to my knees by an unknown weight as the fire engulfs me again.
"WHAT THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND IS THAT THEIR GODS, THEIR PRECIOUS GODS ARE THE ONES WHO SENT ME!" The voice rips through me. The way a saw blade would rip into wood. "Oh, Sisyphus. But you, you are different. I've waited for so long for your name to come up. So long have I waited. And when it did, oh the excitement I felt, the joy that filled my bones was euphoric. Just to have my hopes crushed. You know all about that, don't you? You're an expert on giving people that feeling. I'm just here to give you a message."
"What are you?" I whisper, partially from fear. But all I hear is the voice laughing. Echoing for what seems an eternity. The darkness leans in close.
"You know what I am. I am everything you are afraid I am and more. I am your beginning and your end. I am all that you have done and will do, come face to face. All you need do is accept it. But you have trouble accepting what you can't understand. Most do. You don't need to worry about that, I understand everything about you. Maybe… yes. Maybe if I took the form of something else, it might help." The weight is lifted and slowly I stand as my surroundings change once again, It's her room.
And familiar scents spread around me and I hear light footsteps and suddenly Carly is in front of me, smiling that smile. She looks just like the night I left, but something's off. Her eyes are hollow, lifeless.
"Is this better. Are you more… comfortable with this appearance?" Her smile widens as she sits on the bed. She looks me up and down before laughing. But it's a dead laugh, not Carly's. "Now I have your attention."
"Change back." I try to be forceful, but what comes out is pathetic.
"Oh Sam, I thought you loved me?" She tilts her head and pouts.
"Change back!" I try again, little better than the first time.
"Is it really love that you feel thou-"
"CHANGE BACK!" I scream. Her… its smile disappears, slipping away.
"Is it love, or is it obsession?" The smile returns. "When last I checked, you don't run from those you love."
"If you're not going to change back, then tell me what you have to say and leave." I try to hold on to whatever bravery has filled me.
"Oh, Sammy. This is what I have to say. Don't you see it yet Sam? You're getting a second chance. No restrictions. A free pass if you will. And I was sent here to make sure you know not to waste it. I can't let you waste it. if you go alone, that would be bad." It stands and begins pacing around me.
And in a blink, it changes again. It goes from being Carly to me. It's me, not how I am now, but me before everything started. Blonde hair, long and curly. Deep blue eyes full of life.
"You don't love her, Sam. It's obsession at this point. You just need to let it go. It'll be healthy for you. For us. Because it is us now."
"JUST FUCKING GO AWAY!" I scream with all I have.
Its face shifts, my face. Anger crossing the features before changing back to the phantom.
"Fine, don't listen. I only want the best for our health. It's a shame you won't remember this." It chuckles before staring me straight at me. "Well, most of it anyway. I leave with one warning." It comes close before shifting back to Carly and wrapping its arms around me. Its mouth comes close to my ear; I can feel its breath, cold and dead. "She will be the end of you." It shifts again, back to the figure, before floating away laughing that horrifying laugh.
"What are you?"
It turns, the face having changed back to mine.
"You know exactly what I am." And with a smile, it vanishes completely. The light goes with it and the world goes black, with only with pain left. I kick and scream but I'm held down before going numb.
