A/N: Hey y'all, hope you liked them sexy times last week, cause it's about to get a bit angsty in here. I know, I suck. Anyways, here it is.

Thanks for reading.

I own nothing, all rights and characters belong to Kripke and the CW.


Chapter 11

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."

- Arthur Miller


Castiel awoke the next morning with a splitting headache and little memory of the night before. He rolled over in bed and the bottom dropped out of his stomach. Dean lay next to him in bed, sleeping peacefully. Memories from last night came flooding back and Castiel felt sick. What had he done? He thought he must be dreaming because this just couldn't be happening, not to him. He wrenched himself out of the bed and began dressing himself as quickly as he could with whatever he could find. His movement had woken Dean, who now sat up in bed looking sleepy and confused.

"What are you doing?" he asked, running a hand through his hair.

"Dean, I'm sorry, I can't, we shouldn't have." Castiel was babbling.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down. What's wrong?"

"Do you even know what we did?"

"Course I do, I wasn't that drunk." replied Dean.

"This is wrong, this is so wrong."

"Well, you didn't seem to think it was wrong last night." Dean said defensively.

"I had too much to drink, I wasn't aware of what I was doing." Castiel said, knowing that it was all lies. He had known exactly what he was doing and his only thought had been that he didn't want it to stop.

"So you're blaming the booze, huh?" Dean asked skeptically.

There was silence for a moment. "I thought you said you wanted me." Dean said and Castiel could hear the insecurity and uncertainty in his voice.

He looked away from him, not wanting to see the look on his face when he spoke. "I was wrong." he said the lie tasting bitter on his tongue.

"You were wrong?" asked Dean and Castiel hated himself for the sadness in his voice.

"Yes," he choked out. "I'm sorry, I need you to go."

"Go? What the hell does that mean? You were the one asking me to stay."

"I know, I know." Castiel said miserably. "I just can't, please just go."

"Yeah and where do you want me to go?"

"As far away as you can."

"I don't understand, I thought you… well, obviously I got it wrong."

Castiel heard him get out of bed, there was a rustle of clothing as he got dressed, but Castiel still didn't look at him.

"Cas, you gotta level with me here, please."

Castiel didn't turn, didn't say anything.

"Fucking look at me!" Dean shouted furiously. "Look me in the eye and tell me this isn't true."

Castiel turned at last and looked at Dean, his expression empty.

"Jesus Cas, how could you?"

"I'm sorry Dean, you have to believe me."

"I don't want to hear your goddamn apologies." Dean said wearily. "I'll get my stuff."

Dean left the room and when Castiel was sure he was in his own room, packing, he collapsed on the bed. He cradled his head in his hands, his body wracked with sobs. He got up and dried his eyes when he heard Dean making his way down the stairs. He stopped at his nightstand and pulled out a small box before following Dean downstairs. Dean was standing at the door, his back to Castiel, like he was waiting for Castiel to say that it was all a joke and that he hadn't meant any of it. Castiel took a step forward.

"Dean." he said.

Dean turned and looked at him with eyes devoid of any emotion. "I guess this is goodbye then."

"I guess it is." replied Castiel. "I want you to have this." he said holding out the box.

"Dean took it from him warily. "What is it?" he asked.

"It's your Christmas present. I didn't get a chance to give it to you yesterday, but I want you to have it."

Dean opened the box and lifted out of it a necklace. It was a pendent of a combination of a cross and an anchor. "What's this" he asked.

"The cross symbolizes faith and the anchor, hope."

Dean looked at the pendent for a moment before he tucked it into his pocket. "Thanks." he said. "I should probably get going."

"What will you do now?"

"I don't know." Dean said. "It was good, though. Wasn't it?"

"The best."

Dean turned back and opened the door. He stopped at the threshold, without looking back. "See you around, Cas." he said before walking out the door.

Castiel turned away from the door thinking that he'd probably just made the biggest mistake of his life. He wanted to run after Dean, to stop him, but he was a coward, so he let him go. And when the sound of the Impala's engine had died away, he walked back up the stairs to get ready for the morning's service, feeling empty and desolate.

Castiel spoke to no one when he entered the church; he walked straight to his office and stayed there until the service began. When it came time for him to leave, he dreaded walking out into that room full of people, knowing that the one person he really cared about wouldn't be there. With leaden steps he made his way to the sanctuary and prepared for the service. He did his best not to look at the crowd, well aware of the futility of the action. He spoke, keeping his eyes affixed to a point to the left of the pews. He had been speaking for about a half an hour when he involuntarily glanced up at the crowd. He stopped mid-sentence, word choked off by surprise. Dean was standing at the back of the sanctuary, exactly where he had stood months before. Why hadn't he left, why would he stay? Castiel's mind was reeling; it took him a full minute before he could gather his thoughts enough to continue speaking. He tried to empty his mind of all thought and managed not to look at Dean again.

He hoped that Dean would be gone when the service ended, but when Castiel walked over to the door, he saw him still standing there. Their eyes met for a moment and Dean looked at him with a weariness that broke Castiel's heart. He tore his gaze from the other man and stood as far from him as he could, not looking at him. He talked to people longer than he normally would, dreading the moment when he would be in the room alone with Dean. All too soon the last straggler left and Castiel stood stock still, waiting. Minutes passed and the silence in the room became unbearable.

"What are you doing here?" he said looking at the floor. Why didn't you leave?"

"I couldn't." Dean replied quietly.

"Why not?"

"Because I promised you I would stay."

"I can't do this Dean, I'm sorry. I need you to go." Castiel said.

"I can't, alright, I can't just go. I tried, this morning I started driving, I didn't even make it out of town." Dean was moving now, striding across the room to where Castiel stood. "You keep saying that you need me to go, but do you want me to?"

"I don't know."

"Then how could I leave?" He took a step forward and reached hand out to gently cup Castiel's cheek. "Look at me." he said softly.

Castiel lifted his eyes to look at Dean, whose gaze was full of a tender affection that made Castiel's heart ache in his chest. "Dean." he said leaning into the touch.

"Cas, what I've felt for you these past few months, I've never felt that for anyone before. I've lost everyone I've ever cared about, don't make me lose you too."

"This is wrong. I can't do this Dean, my vows…" Castiel said feeling guilt twist his stomach.

"Is it wrong because your vows tell you so, or because you think it is? asked Dean seriously.

"I don't know Dean, I feel like I don't know anything anymore, I just need some time to think things through." Castiel said.

"How much time?" asked Dean.

"A few days at least."

"Alright, you take the time you need and I'll be here if you need me."

"Where will you stay?" asked Castiel.

"I'll figure something out."

"You don't have to do this, you know."

"Yes, I do."

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel said as he turned to go. He was at the door when Dean spoke.

"I know that you don't need me, but I need you, Cas, more than I can say."

Castiel didn't turn, he just kept walking. He hated himself for the pain he knew he was causing Dean, but he couldn't stop. He just needed to get away, have a moment to himself to think. He'd never been so confused, the church had always made things so much clearer for him after his sister had died, but now things had never seemed so complicated. He arrived home, not entirely sure of what to do with himself. He slumped into his armchair wishing things were different, wising that Dean had never stumbled into his confessional that night. Could he really wish that? Dean had given him so much and Castiel knew that he couldn't deny what he felt any longer. He knew, even if he didn't want to admit it, that he cared for Dean tremendously, that he loved him.

He sighed in frustration, why did this have to happen? They were doing just fine, then Dean had to go and kiss him, if he hadn't none of this would be happening. But Dean had stopped, Castiel reminded himself, you were the one who kept it going, you said you wanted him. And he had wanted him, desperately. He could blame the wine all he wanted, but the desire had been there all along, he had just been ignoring it, telling himself that it wasn't there. Well, there's no ignoring it now, he thought. He got up and caught sight of the Christmas tree across the room. A feeling of longing gripped him and he walked to the tree and blindly began tearing the decorations off of it. A half an hour later the tree was bare and there was a mess in his living room. Looking at the tree now, desecrated and empty, made him feel worse.

He cleaned up the mess he had made and walked slowly to his bedroom. He collapsed in the bed, burying his face in the pillows that still held Deans' lingering scent. He inhaled deeply, fighting back tears. The worst thing was, the thing he felt guiltiest about, was that his vows hadn't even occurred to him the night before. He didn't think twice about what he was doing and even now his guilt was greatly surpassed by the yearning he felt for Dean, deep in his bones. How strange that he had spent so many years in contented solitude and now after only a few months of Deans' company he felt his absence like a persistent toothache. He closed his eyes, wanting to rid himself of these tiresome thoughts, but only managing to exacerbate them. For one brief moment, as he lay in bed, wretched and alone, he considered going out and finding Dean, wherever he was and taking him back home, where he belonged. He wanted nothing more than to just have things go back to the way they were before. But that wasn't true, because he wanted Dean in all of the ways he knew he shouldn't and now that he had gotten a glimpse of what that felt like, he didn't think he could ever go back.

He lay in bed for the rest of the day, alternately sleeping and staring listlessly at the wall. He slept badly that night, plagued by haunting nightmares that left him damp with sweat in the chilly room. He dragged himself from his bed the next morning feeling exhausted and drained. He was late getting to the church, which meant he had little time to work on his sermon. He knew while he wrote the words that they were no good. His sermons usually inspired hope in people, but this one sounded sad and tired, much like he felt. He didn't know what to expect when he walked out into the sanctuary before the start of the service and he scanned the room quickly before taking his place at the altar. He didn't know whether he was relived or disappointed to see Dean standing at the back of the room again, all he knew was that it was going to be just as distracting as it had been the day before.

After the service ended and everyone had left, he waited for Dean to approach him, but when he looked over to where he had been standing, he was gone. Castiel wondered where he could have gone and if he would be back. He knew he had no right to hope that he would, but he just didn't know. He walked home, wondering if the turmoil of emotions he felt would ever settle down. He spent the whole day watching TV, avoiding anything he had ever watched with Dean and not really paying attention.

It went on like this for several days. When he ate he tasted nothing, when he slept, it was briefly and unsatisfying. Dean still attended every service, though he made himself scarce as soon as they were over. Castiel realized that he Dean was waiting for him to make a move, to decide what it was that he wanted. It was easy for Castiel, he knew exactly what he wanted, he just knew that he couldn't have it. So he said and did nothing, hoping that if maybe he ignored it for long enough, the problem would go away. It was the morning of New Year's Eve, when Castiel was in his office working and Gabriel came in.

"Hello." Gabriel said as he took a seat opposite Castiel.

"Hello, Gabriel." Castiel replied.

"Do you have a minute; I'd like to talk to you."

"Of course, what's on your mind?" asked Castiel.

"Well, you actually." Gabriel admitted. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?"

"It's just that you seem upset about something, ever since Christmas. Did something happen?" asked Gabriel. "I know it's not my business, but I'm worried about you."

"It's nothing really, you don't have to worry." Castiel told him, trying to sound convincing.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know." Castiel said. "Maybe."

"Tell me what happened."

"Dean and I had a fight. He left." Castiel said matter-of-factly.

"Oh Castiel, I'm sorry. What did you fight about?"

"Something stupid, I don't know, maybe this is for the best."

"Don't say that." Gabriel said. "Ever since he got here, it's like you've become a new person. I've never seen you so happy, whatever happened you have to try and work it out. He's your friend."

"I don't know if I can." Castiel said uncertainly.

"If you care about him as much I think you do, then you have to at least try. When you've got something this good, happiness like this, you can't just let it go; you have to fight for it."

"Maybe you're right." Castiel said.

"Just think about it, okay"

"I will." Castiel said. "Thank you, Gabriel, you're a good friend."

"No problem, Good luck out there today. Oh, and don't forget you're up for confessionals tonight, right?" Gabriel said as he made his way to the door.

"Yes, I am, Goodbye Gabriel." Castiel said.

Castiel sat mulling over what Gabriel had said, he wanted to believe him, but he knew Gabriel would have been singing a different tune if he knew what was really going on. He pushed all thoughts of Dean and Gabriel out of his mind; it was almost time for the morning service. He expected it to be the same as it had been the last few days and his stomach clenched nervously. Seeing Dean every day only made his confusion and uncertainty worse. Every day he wondered if Dean would stay and talk to him and every day he wouldn't, Castiel wasn't sure if he wanted him to or not.

Like the days previous, Dean stood at the back of the room during the service and left promptly afterwards. After everyone had left, Castiel walked home. He spent the remainder of the day trying not to think about Dean and wondering what Gabriel would have said if he knew what had happened between them. He tried to keep busy, cleaning things that didn't need to be cleaned and waiting for it to be time for him to return to the church for confession. He left his house at a little after six and was walking in as the last attendees of the evening service were leaving. He waved to Gabriel as he left and went to take his place in the confessional. He'd been sitting quietly for several minutes when he heard someone enter the church. The footsteps grew closer and a moment later the door to the confessional opened and someone stepped inside and took a seat.

A moment later a familiar voice filled the small confessional. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been two months since my last confession. These are my sins."

It was Dean, Castiel's heart sped up and his mouth felt dry. He waited anxiously for Dean to speak, fearful of what he might say. A moment later he spoke again.

"I've hurt someone I care about Father, I didn't mean to, but I did. He trusted me and I broke that trust. I did something I shouldn't have and I just wish I had the chance to tell him how sorry I am, to tell him that I would do anything to make it alright. I want to talk to him, tell him how much he means to me, but I'm afraid of what he might say. I just want him to be happy and if he's unhappy because of me, well then, I guess there's no reason for me to hang around anymore."

Castiel couldn't listen anymore, he felt as if he were being torn in two. The things he was saying, the sincerity in his voice were too much for Castiel to bear.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this." he said as he stood and blindly pushed the door to the confessional open. He made it halfway across the room before he felt a hand close over his wrist. He turned to see that Dean had grabbed hold of him and was looking at him pleadingly.

"Cas, don't go, please."

"I have to."

"Just talk to me for one goddamn minute, please." Dean was begging now.

"What is it Dean? Why didn't you just go? It would have been easier for both of us." Castiel said.

"What the hell do you mean, easier?" Dean asked, frustrated.

"There is no way that this can ever work between us. I just don't know why you would want to stay."

"So, you think the only reason I want to stay is because I think there's gonna be something between us?"

"Well, why else would you?" asked Castiel, confused.

"I don't want anything from you Cas, I stayed for you." Dean said.

"And what does that mean?"

"I love you, okay. That's what it means."

"You what?" Castiel asked, disbelievingly.

"You heard me." Dean said gruffly. He looked at Castiel, expression softening. "I love you so much; I just couldn't bear the thought of leaving. Even if you didn't want me, I had to stay."

"Dean, I don't know what to say." replied Castiel, at a loss for words.

"You don't have to say anything, I know you don't feel the same way and if you really want me gone, then I'll go."

"That's not true." Castiel said quietly.

"What?"

"Dean, the way I feel about you, I didn't think I could feel those things, for anyone. I love you."

"Cas." Dean said voice hoarse with emotion.

"You were wrong, you know." Castiel said.

"About what?"

"I do need you, so much."

Dean took a step closer to Castiel, hand reaching up to stroke Castiel's cheek. "What do you want Cas?"

Castiel hesitated for a second. "I want you to come home."

Dean smiled before leaning down to kiss Castiel, wrapping his arms securely around him. Castiel melted into the embrace and held onto Dean, kissing him fiercely. For one perfect moment Castiel forgot about everything. All of the fear, the guilt, it all washed away the moment Dean had taken him into his arms. It would come back, of course, as persistent as an ocean wave, but for this one moment Castiel was free, for this one moment he thought of nothing more than to love and be loved by the impossible man he clasped so tightly. And that was alright.