Just Keep Breathing

Chapter Eleven

The harder he tried to get his head straight the worse it seemed to get. He wanted Ziva with him but on the other hand he desperately wanted to be alone. He was withdrawn and surly; nothing suited him and no one seemed able to get through to him. Finally, after he'd been out of ICU for four days Ziva had had enough. She had done everything she knew to comfort and support Jethro but nothing she did seemed to be right. If she was gone he wanted her there; if she was there he ignored her. When she tried to get him to talk to her he said he was tired. She was so exhausted from being at the hospital non-stop she was about to need a doctor herself. She decided something had to change.

Just after lunch on that fourth day Ziva moved the meal tray out of the way and motioned for Jethro to make room for her on the bed. She sat down by his hip facing him and took his left hand in hers. She studied his face and tried to read his expression, something she had been able to do with ease until he disappeared. The tension between them was becoming unbearable for her and she sensed, for him too.

"Jethro, do you believe that I love you?"

He never wavered under her scrutiny. He WANTED things to be better, he just didn't know how to make that happen.

"Yes."

"I'm sorry I didn't find you. I'm sorry I didn't do more to get you away from that horrible man. Please forgive me, Jethro."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. And when he saw the tears in her eyes he knew he had to figure out what to do and damned fast. He sat up and pulled Ziva against his chest and held onto her for dear life. It never occurred to him that she had anything to be sorry about. He placed zero blame on her for what happened and it killed him to think she thought he did. He buried his face in her hair and let her cry.

"My god, Ziver you don't have anything to apologize for. None of this is your fault. Please, don't ever think that again. I love you, you have no idea how much."

Jethro pushed her back but only so he could look in her eyes. He covered her mouth with his to stop her from questioning herself. He hadn't kissed her, really kissed her, in so long and it felt amazing. When he broke off the kiss, Ziva reached out to touch his face. She wanted everything he said to be true but she still wondered if there had been something else she could have done. As much as she feared the answer she had to ask the question that had been plaguing her for days.

"Then why are you so angry with me?"

Jethro wasn't really surprised by that question but it still hurt to hear it. He knew he had been shutting Ziva out the past few days. After all they had been through he should have been able to let her in but he hadn't. This was a very new experience for him; the constant pain and the unreasonable fear were driving him crazy. Always in the past he had just plowed through his injuries and gone right on with his life. He was beginning to think Mr. Smith or rather, Mr. Fuller, had been right; he was never going to be the same. That also scared him. What if he couldn't get it together? What if he couldn't go back to work or resume his life with Ziva? He had never questioned himself before and that was just another thing that added to his anxiety.

Ziva was looking at him waiting for him to answer her. He wanted to take away all her doubt and pain. It hurt him doubly because he knew he was the cause of it. He took a deep breath and traced his fingers carefully over her lips.

"I want you to listen to me Ziver. I know I've been a bastard these last few days but you have to believe me when I say, I am not angry with you. You are the only reason I am still alive. Thinking about you, about us, is what kept me breathing every single day I was gone. There is a lot of stuff in my head right now that I don't know what to do with. I'm so sorry I'm hurting you."

"Jethro, it's not you. It is the circumstances that hurt me. I admit I have felt maybe you are angry with me for not finding you. Tell me about this stuff in your head."

"Can we do that later? Can you just lie down here with me for a while. I miss holding you. I miss touching you."

"Of course."

Jethro moved over carefully and Ziva snuggled into his side. After while Ziva sensed he had fallen asleep. She rested her hand on his chest over his heart and closed her eyes. They were going to be fine she told herself.

Two hours later Ducky knocked softly on the door and stuck his head in the room. He found Mr. and Mrs. Gibbs still on the bed. Jethro was awake but Ziva was asleep in his arms. Jethro smiled at Ducky and motioned for him to come in. Then he gently kissed Ziva on the forehead until she opened her eyes.

"Oh my how long have we been asleep?"

"Almost two hours. It was the best sleep I've had in weeks."

"Me too. Hello Ducky, I'm sorry, we are ignoring you aren't we."

"My dear I am all to happy to be ignored if it means the two of you are back on the same page."

"We are Duck."

Ziva carefully got off the bed and excused herself to the bathroom.

"So you could tell something was wrong?"

"Of course, Jethro. How long have I known you? You were back to acting like your old, grumpy, difficult self. Back to your pre-Ziva days as it were. May I ask how you managed to get back in sync with each other?"

Before Jethro could respond Ziva came out of the bathroom and said, "Yes, you may ask and Jethro, please tell him. Maybe he can help with all that stuff in your head. I am going to the cafeteria and see if I can find us a snack." She leaned down and kissed him and whispered in his ear, "I am sleeping with you tonight."

When she left Jethro had a smile on his face that Ducky had not seen in many days. He sat down and waited for his friend to decide how much he was going to share. After Gibbs and Ziva got together Ducky saw such a change in him it was sometimes hard for him to remember the old Jethro. Unfortunately, in the last few days, he hadn't had any trouble recalling those years that Jethro was so closed off and angry with the world. So afraid to allow anyone to see his loving, trusting side. Before Ziva, Ducky hadn't seen that side of Jethro since Paris. He had begun to doubt he would ever see it again. That was not the case once Ms. David got her hands on him and convinced him to give them a chance at love. Gibbs was still just as driven and just as thorough in his pursuit of justice as he ever was but now he was also determined to be happy and to make Ziva happy.

"Well, are you going to tell me or not?"

Jethro chuckled and said, "Yeah Duck I'll tell you but could you give a hand to the bathroom first?"

"Of course."

Ducky helped Jethro to the bathroom and then back. "Would you like to sit in the chair for a while and stay out of that bed?"

"Yes, very much. Thanks."

Ducky helped him settle into the lounge chair and raised the leg support for him. Then he pulled another smaller chair around so they could talk.

Without any preliminaries Gibbs launched into his explanation, "Ziva told me she was sorry she didn't find me. She thought she had let me down by not looking for me. Then she asked me why I was angry with her."

"And what did you say?"

"I told her she didn't have anything to apologize for. That she hadn't done anything wrong. Then I told her I wasn't angry with her. I know I've been a bastard the last few days but I'm not mad at her."

"So who are you angry with?"

"You mean besides the two guys who nearly killed me and the man who orchestrated it?"

"Yes, besides them."

Jethro thought for a moment then said, "Myself."

Of course Ducky had seen that coming a mile away. "Do you want to talk about that?"

"I didn't do anything to try and get away or even resist once they had me. I just let them beat the hell out of me for two weeks and never did a damned thing about it."

"What could you have done? Realistically."

When Jethro didn't answer Ducky went on, "I've seen the videos they sent Ziva and judging by what I saw and your condition, there was nothing you could have done Jethro."

"What videos? What are you talking about?"

"I thought you knew. The man sent Ziva three different videos showing what they were doing to you. They warned her that if she looked for you or contacted anyone they would kill you. Otherwise they said, you'd be returned in two weeks. The videos were very difficult to watch I can testify to that. After the first one Ziva knew she had to do something to try and save you and that's when she went to her father."

Jethro knew none of this because he and Ziva had not talked about anything concerning his kidnapping and torture except when he asked who the man was who had taken him. For the most part they had been so focused on his recovery and working their way back to each other they had not yet spoken in any detail about what had happened to them. Now her unnecessary apology made more sense. It bothered him that she had seen those videos whatever they were.

"Tell me about the videos, Duck."

"They were of you being beaten. The first one came, I believe, four or five days after you were taken and the other two several days apart about four days later. Perhaps you should talk with Ziva about them and the notes that came with them."

"I will."

"What did she mean about the stuff in your head?"

"I told her I wasn't mad at her but I have a lot of stuff in my head I don't know what to do with."

"Such as?"

"I wonder why I didn't resist. It really bothers me Duck. I hate being the victim!" There was a lot more but Jethro was not going to talk about being afraid; not even to Ducky.

"What do you remember about what happened? Start at the beginning."

Ziva was standing just outside the door listening. She very much wanted to hear what Jethro remembered of the kidnapping but she was afraid he would shut down if he knew she was listening so she waited and listened.

Gibbs stared out the window and took a deep breath. He wasn't sure he wanted to relive this but he knew he needed to get it out; for his sake and for the sake of his marriage. He knew Ziva was listening. He could sense her in the doorway but didn't let on. It would be a little easier to do this if he didn't see her face while he was talking.

"I've only been able to remember this stuff in the last couple of days. I remember getting home, I was so tired all I was thinking about was getting into bed. As soon as I got out of the car I got hit in the back of the head. The next thing I remember is being drug into a house. My eyes were taped shut. I was handcuffed. After they took the cuffs off, the man, he said to call him Mr. Smith, said if I tried to uncover my eyes he'd break my arm and then cuff me again. I believed him."

Gibbs' voice was getting softer as he went along. Ziva was having a hard time hearing him but she could tell his emotions were beginning to get the best of him. She couldn't stand it any longer and stepped into the room. She wanted to help him while he told this story if he would let her. Gibbs heard her behind him and reached up his left hand. She grasped it and leaned down to kiss him. He pulled her down onto his lap and rested his head on her shoulder. Ziva ran her fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head.

"Please go on, Jethro."

"You sure you want to hear this? Ducky told me about the videos. I'm sorry you had to see them."

"You don't have anything to be sorry about. And yes, I want to hear what you remember."

And so, with Ziva in his lap holding onto him Jethro told them everything he remembered about his two weeks in captivity. He talked about the beatings, the water, the cold and the heat. He told them what Mr. Smith said about why he was holding him. He told them everything he could. It took a long time and by the time he was finished he was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Much of what he said was hard to talk about and hard for his wife and his best friend to hear. He never made eye contact with Ducky and never let go of Ziva's hand or looked at her while he was talking. He knew what he was saying was hurting them and he wanted to get it all out so he just stared out the window and kept going until he had recounted that final, awful morning.

"I don't remember anything after I got the tape off my eyes until I woke up here. What happened, do you know?"

Now he looked from Ducky to Ziva wanting to hear what had transpired once he was dumped at home. Ziva took up the story and told him about finding him in the driveway, the ambulance ride and their time in the emergency room.

"That's about all I can tell you except about my going secretly to embassy to talk to my father and Benjamin. We can talk about all that later if you want."

"Yeah, I think I'm done talking for a while if that's okay with you two."

"I agree. But let me say one thing to you Jethro. You say you are angry with yourself because you didn't resist. Let me suggest that you did indeed resist. You stayed alive. You didn't let these men win by killing you or by breaking your mind. In the most important way, mentally, you resisted. Remember that my friend. I am very proud of you Jethro. Most men would have succumbed to their situation and not fought to stay alive."

"Thanks Duck. Most men don't have what I do waiting for them at home."

That earned him a kiss from Ziva and a smile of agreement from Ducky.

"How very true. You two have a good evening and I will see you tomorrow. When do you think you will be released, Jethro?"

"I'm out of here day after tomorrow one way or another. I can sit around at home as well as I can here; better actually."

"We'll see about that but I agree, I think he will be home in two days at the most. There is barely any nursing care he needs and whatever it is I can do it. We need to go home and get our lives back."

"I imagine you're right. Goodnight."

After Ducky left, Ziva and Jethro stayed in the chair enjoying the physical contact they had been missing for so long. They kissed and touched and held each other until finally Jethro said he needed to get up.

"Do you want to lie down or would you like me to get a wheelchair and push you somewhere?"

"I'd like to stand up a minute first. And have you hold me up."

There was a glint in his eye and a smirk on his face that Ziva had not seen in ages. She wondered what he was up to but she didn't really care. It was so nice to have him back she didn't really care what he wanted. She got off his lap and helped him stand up. Jethro carefully put weight on his repaired knee and winced. He backed up to the low counter that ran under the window. Ziva waited until he was steady then carefully stepped into his open arms.

"Now, this is worth the pain of standing on this knee."

Jethro wrapped her in his arms and she in turn wrapped her arms around his torso and rested her head on his chest.

"It does feel very nice to be in your arms. It feels like it has been much longer than three weeks."

Jethro let his fingers skate up and down her back which wasn't all that easy considering his cast and the bandage still on his left hand. But it was better than nothing. They stayed that way, holding onto each other, for almost ten minutes before Gibbs had to give in and get off his leg. Ziva helped him to the bed and he gratefully laid down. She sat down next to him holding his hand.

Ziva looked at her watch and said, "You could have a pain pill if you need one."

"No, I'm alright now that I'm down. Did you mean what you said about sleeping with me tonight?"

"Yes, if it's alright with you."

"It's very alright with me. You sure you'll have enough room?"

"I am sure. I do not want to sleep another night without you."

Suddenly Jethro got very still and a look of doubt crossed his face. He looked past her and sighed. Something was wrong. Ziva waited knowing from experience it was better not to rush right in with questions when Jethro had that particular look in his eyes. Actually there were several looks that told her not to rush in but this one was one of the top three. Her patience was eventually rewarded when he looked at her and then pulled her down for a long, slow kiss.

When he let her breathe he rested his forehead on hers and said softly, "You know it might be a while before I can make love to you."

"I know. I will wait. There are plenty of other things we can do for each other in the meantime."

"What if it's a long time?"

"First of all why are you worrying about this and secondly, I do not care how long it takes. I love you Jethro and if there is a problem with us being intimate we will deal with it."

"Okay, I just had to get that off my chest. I love you, Ziver."

"And I love you. How about I go out and get us some supper. Something besides hospital food. What sounds good to you?"

"I'd love a cheeseburger. And lots of fries."

"Five Guys it is then. You sure you can chew a cheeseburger?"

"Yeah, my jaw feels good. Before you go I need another kiss."

Ziva didn't leave for almost fifteen minutes. One kiss just wasn't enough for either of them.

After they indulged in burgers and fries, Ziva raided the nurses station and managed to score two single serving containers of ice cream. She discovered while talking to the nurses on duty that Gibbs was a favorite even though he had a reputation as a difficult patient. One of the nurses, Ellen, told Ziva she had cared for Jethro a few years ago.

"He has definitely mellowed I can tell you for sure. I think you must have had something to do with that."

"I like to think so. Thank you and thanks for the ice cream. Do you think we could have a Do Not Disturb sign on the door tonight?"

Ellen laughed and promised Ziva that would be no problem.

TBC