The Absence
Chapter 11
by The Conqueror Worm
"At school they taught me how to be
So pure in thought, in word, and deed
They didn't quite succeed."
-"It's a Sin," The Pet Shop Boys
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Lily leaned heavily on the edge of the kitchen sink, staring out of the small window above it. Outside, the first snow of winter had begun to fall, and she sighed sadly as her eyes followed the lazy flurries blowing about. It was dark in the kitchen except for the soft blue light streaming in from the window, giving her face a ghostly glow.
"Lily?" a quiet voice said as the kitchen door opened behind her.
She jumped and quickly swiped at the tears on her cheeks. "Oh, hello, Remus," she said, turning around with a rather forced smile on her face. Lily tried to surreptitiously sniffle behind her hand, and she felt embarrassed at the sad way Remus smiled with understanding.
"How are you, Lily?"
"Oh, me? I'm good. You know, busy with everything as usual." They both looked around the kitchen, which was void of any attempt at a chore. She hadn't cleaned in days, and they'd been living off a mixture of sandwiches and frozen meals. If Remus knew this, however, he didn't let on.
"So, how is Harry these days? He seems as, ah, rambunctious as ever."
Lily struggled to put some sort of motherly affection on her face, but she only succeeded in making a sick sort of grimace at his words. "He's…he's fine, Remus. You know, he takes after James a lot." Remus cocked his head and studied her face, as if searching for something. After an uncomfortable moment under his scrutiny, Lily coughed. "Er, so how have you been, Remus? Did everything go okay last night?"
This was a stupid question, as James had already recounted, in vivid detail, their entire adventure in front of both Lily and Remus as soon as the two friends had entered the home for breakfast, which Lily had yet to make. "You know, I always thought you and James made a good pair, Lily. All those years at Hogwarts, I couldn't help thinking that you would understand and love James more than anyone ever could. And you've created a little boy that's the perfect combination of the two of you—not just in looks, you know. He takes after both of you in personality." Even though Remus said these words in a light, warm tone, Lily felt a sort of prickly shame at his words, as if he were lecturing her on something. Really, if she did pause to think about it, some of Harry's worst traits—the ones she most liked to blame James for—actually resembled her own quite a bit. Hadn't she been accustomed to being doted on and deemed special, first by her parents and then by Severus and her professors at Hogwarts? There was always something sort of demanding and unhappy about her, too, though Harry's blatant disregard for other's feelings was something both James and Lily were guilty of, and Harry's loud way of demanding things of the world was James's own. Remus studied her reaction to his words carefully through tired amber eyes. As he opened his mouth to say more, James barged into the kitchen.
"Honestly! Where the hell is Padfoot?" he said, looking between Lily and Remus as if either were hiding him about their person. Sirius had mysteriously slunk off in the middle of their adventure last night, leaving James in his Animagus form to control a bloodthirsty werewolf. While nothing terrible had happened in his absence, James felt quite cross with his friend for leaving them without a backward glance. Sirius had, unfortunately, had quite a bit to drink before they left for the evening, James mused unhappily.
"I'm sure he'll turn up soon, James," Remus answered quietly. He hardly, if ever, used the nicknames the four Marauders had come up with during their school days; it had always seemed like a game James and Sirius played, and he was too shy and uncertain of himself to join in too much with their fun, lest they realize what a hindrance he was to it.
James ran a hand through part of his hair, smushing down half of it in the process. "I guess."
"Dad? Dad!" Harry shrieked from the next room, and a few seconds later, the sound of something heavy falling over occurred. "Oops," Harry squeaked, and James hurried out to the other room.
Remus and Lily stayed in the kitchen, watching one another. After a beat, Remus finally spoke. "So, how is Severus these days, Lily?" If Lily had not been expecting these words deep down, she probably would not have understood him.
"I don't really see how that's any of your business, Remus." Lily replied, frowning. She turned her back toward him and quickly grabbed a damp dish cloth from the sink, rubbing at the counter with a furious vigor. Remus's tone had reminded her quite a bit of Sirius's, and she didn't appreciate the air of accusation, especially as neither had reason to suspect anything amiss between her oldest friend and her. Remus remained standing behind her, watching her carefully for another minute, before she heard the kitchen door swing open and shut. Lily put down the washcloth and resumed looking out the window again, wondering for the umpteenth time where Severus was and if he'd ever answer the owl she'd immediately sent after him the night before.
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Severus stood solemnly behind the counter of the Apothecary where he worked. Melinda was in the back, haggling with their supplier for more Unicorn hair, and he took this moment to lean heavily against the counter and clear his thoughts. He had been on auto-pilot all day, determined to not think about the night before, when Lily had behaved so strangely toward him. Of course, he had gone over the various possibilities that he had dreamed the entire evening, that he had drunk too much and misinterpreted things, that Lily was drunk and confused. But he knew that all of those thoughts were so pathetically untrue, and that made the truth that much harder to bear. Why had Lily done this again, shattered all their hopes for some semblance of their old friendship? He gritted his teeth, which he seemed to be doing a lot since the night before. At the ding of the bell, he looked up, instantly feeling too tired to deal with Regulus today. But after a moment, he realized with anger, it was actually Sirius Black standing in the bright rectangle of the door, looking around curiously, as if he didn't seem to notice Snape blending into the dark shelves on the wall.
"By all means, let in all of the cold air, Black." Sirius jumped at the nasty, hissing voice mysteriously coming from the rear of the store, but he instantly picked out the pallid face of Snape.
"Oh, right," he glared. "I forgot Lily said you worked here." For a second, an uncharacteristic anxiety seemed to cross over Sirius's face as he remembered what he had witnessed the night before, but he quickly hid it. "I need some potions ingredients," he finished lamely, too hung-over to come up with a good insult.
"For what?" Snape snapped back. He didn't buy Black's words for an instant. He was obviously here just to point and laugh at Snivellus, who had to work for his dinner by sorting rats' eyes and beetles' wings. Sirius was always there to kick him when he was down. For a second, the horrific thought that maybe Lily had been pulling a prank on him the night before, and all of the Marauders were in on it, crossed his mind. He surreptitiously tried to catch the older Black's eye to confirm or refute this, but Sirius was actively avoiding him as much as one could when stuck in a very confined space with someone they despised.
Sirius poked at a jar of mulberries, frowning with worry. This morning had been rather odd, especially as he had mysteriously woken up on the bed of a little girl he barely knew. The sound of her mother calling her down for breakfast had woken him from a drunken slumber, and Hermione, her hair poofed even larger than usual, bolted up in bed with a horrified expression. She quickly raced downstairs to meet her mother, and Sirius, uncertain, stayed where he was. Breakfast did smell rather good after all. Hermione returned twenty minutes later, bearing a napkin full of fried eggs on toast, and Sirius happily lapped the food from her hands, making her giggle. Awhile later, Hermione's parents left for work, and Sirius turned back into a man.
For a good hour or two, Hermione easily filled the awkward silences between them with mindless chatter, showing off the books Lily had loaned her and the ones her parents had bought her from a local bookshop. For his part, Sirius was surprised to find that he was actually paying attention to her, was sitting rapt as he consumed the odd thoughts and logic of a child. When Hermione expressed some dismay at not being able to practice potions because she didn't own a wand yet, Sirius was even more surprised to hear himself offering to help her, to teach her even. His grades in Potions at Hogwarts had been effortlessly good, which satisfyingly irritated Snivellus to no end, and he saw no reason why he couldn't help Hermione prepare for basic Potions classes, especially when her large eyes shown so brightly with glee when he offered, as if nothing could be so wonderful.
So, here he was, poking around an Apothecary, trying to find supplies for some of the more basic Potions in his old introductory book from first year. The reason he had come to Knockturn Alley, rather than shopping at the nice clean Apothecary in Diagon Alley, was only because he had been worried about running into Lily or anyone else that would question his motives for brewing children's potions. This worry seemed ridiculous even to him, but you never knew who was watching, and Knockturn Alley provided a certain level of anonymity and no-questions-asked to its customers. If he hadn't been painfully hung over, he might have realized both of these charms flew out the window if you chose the exact Apothecary where your enemy worked.
"Oh, hello, can I help you?" a pleasant woman's voice asked from behind him. He turned, surprised to see a short, plump older woman standing somewhere near his navel, simultaneously smiling at him and casting a suspicious glare at Snape, who was pretending to take inventory of some dried lizard tails behind the counter. "Have you been helped yet?"
Sirius frowned. "No, actually," and he felt a grim inward satisfaction at the way Snape stiffened at his words but continued to ignore him. "I just need some basic level potions ingredients, like students purchase for Hogwarts. Perhaps…" he looked at the shop. "And perhaps something a little more exotic for more fun potions…?" He looked helplessly down at the woman. It had been far too long since he brewed anything; why in the world had he agreed to this? The woman, however, nodded with understanding and quickly began grabbing ingredients and weighing them out on different brass and silver scales, muttering to herself.
"And will you need a cauldron, dear? Or how about some nice silver scales for measuring?" Sirius nodded, grateful.
"I'm taking my break," Snape's dour voice broke in, and Sirius watched him retrieve a pack of cigarettes from one of his inner robe pockets. He cast Sirius a rather nasty sneer before cutting through the back room to reach the alley behind the store. Sirius followed his steps closely, frowning. Why was Snape even more miserable than usual, he mused? Unless this was just how Snape always was; he couldn't remember from when they were all in school. One thing Sirius did know was that whatever had been occurring between Snape and Lily had gone bad, and he still wasn't sure if he was going to tell James any of this yet. Or perhaps he should confront Lily about it first? Sirius hated feeling helpless.
"You'll have to excuse my assistant, dear," Melinda broke in, smiling apologetically at the incredibly handsome man in front of her. "He was a wonderful apprentice, of course, but the downside to most Potions' Masters is that they lack any semblance of people skills. I suppose he'll be moving on once he's passed all of the Ministry tests for licensure, though." She glanced over her shoulder as the back door slammed shut and Snape emerged from the back room, looking positively nauseous at the sight of Sirius still being there. Melinda quickly rang up Sirius, who paid the total without paying attention to the shocking amount she had charged him for Lethe water and a bezoar, and quickly strutted out of the door and into the shadowy, winding streets of Knockturn Alley. As he reached the stone steps leading up to Diagon Alley, he paused and looked over his shoulder. It had felt, just for a moment, as if someone was watching him.
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Because I am a fool, I actually wrote Thursday's chapter, rather than working on my school essays due on Thursday. Brilliant, I know. However, I'm really happy with Thursday's chapter, and it's actually longer than usual! I'll post it sometime on Thursday, and I'm aiming for another chapter next Monday, though that one may be late, as I really do have to try to do some homework eventually. ; )
