Disclaimer: Just got off the phone. I called Nickelodeon and asked if I could own Victorious. The guy on the other end laughed hysterically and then said "Yeah, sure, kid." So there you go.
May 5th, 2017
"I still can't believe you met the Crave." Vik shakes his head.
"Oh, here we go again." Nicky rolls her eyes. "Vik, it was over a week ago."
"I know, but she shook his hand. The Crave's hand!" Vik gushes.
"Actually, he told me he prefers to be referred without the 'the'." I chuckle. His eyes bulge out of his head.
"You're on a first name basis?!" Vik gasps.
"You are man-crushing so hard it hurts." Nicky sighs. Vik shakes his head and lets out a breath.
"Okay. I'm calm. I'm cool." He brushes his hair back.
"Yep, you keep on telling yourself that, chief." Nicky drawls.
"Moving on. How's that inspiration going, Tori?" Vik asks.
"Oh, great." I say, somewhat sarcastically.
"So you have a song written?" Vik inquires hopefully.
"Oh yeah. I have several songs written." I answer.
"What?! That's awesome! Why didn't you tell me? Nicky can start putting music to them!" Vik exclaims, but I shake my head.
"No, no. These aren't songs I actually want to sing. They're just lyrics of things I'm currently thinking about." I explain.
"Well that's good fodder. Deep thoughts make for good lyrics." Vik states.
"That's the thing. These aren't deep songs. This, for example…" I wave a sheet in the air, "Is about my massive craving I had for pancakes last night, but it was too late to go buy pancake mix. It's a power ballad. And this," I wave another sheet in the air, "is a song I wrote two days ago after I stubbed my toe." I look at the lyrics with a furrowed brow. "It's an angry song."
"…Wow. Sound like hits to me." Nicky comments, taking the pancake ballad from my hand.
"Well, like I said… I don't actually want to sing them." I sigh.
"Then why write them? Aren't you motivated to write anything serious?" Vik wonders.
"Oh, I'm plenty motivated. That's why I'm writing… pointless shit. Performing at the diner and meeting Christopher Walsh-" I hear Vik squeal a bit "-didn't do much for inspiration, but it definitely motivated me. I want to succeed at this. I don't want to put out a half-assed song because I had to. So I'm going to just… flex my creative muscle until I have an idea for a song that I'll be really passionate about." I explain.
"That's a good ethic, Tori." Vik grins.
"And your creative muscle is definitely being flexed. The rhyming scheme of this pancake song is actually very clever. I kind of want pancakes now." Nicky says. "Hey, here's a thought…"
"Yeah?" I ask.
"Why don't you write about Cat?" Nicky suggests. I roll my eyes.
"And why would I do that?" I sigh.
"Because, what are you more passionate about than Cat?" Nicky points out.
"Passionate? I'm just… pining for a relationship I can't have. I still don't know if this is infatuation, a crush, or what. I don't even want to think about it, let alone write a song about it." I mumble.
"Writing can be therapeutic." Vik states. I let out a groan.
"I know. I'm sure it is, but… that's not the song. Maybe there's a song I should write about Cat, but it's not about how she's getting married while I have my pity fest. I want her to be happy." I lament.
"Aw, sounds like love." Nicky swoons. I glare at her.
"Yes, I do love her very much. I care about her deeply but that doesn't mean I'm in love with her." I argue.
"You keep telling yourself that, chief." Nicky ruffles my hair and I let out a huff.
"Anyway, can we talk about something else? Like the amazing reception the Shake video is getting?" I ask. Vik grins from ear to ear.
"Sure. I actually-"
Vik is cut off by the sound of the front door opening and closing. Our eyes turn to the doorway of the sound booth, and soon Cat appears in the frame. I smile at first, happy to see her, but then I immediately sense something… off. Usually she'd be smiling from ear to ear, too.
"Hi." She has a small smile.
"Hey, Cat. You okay?" I ask. She gives me a surprised look.
"Yeah. I was just… wondering if I could hang out here today. You won't even know I'm here. I'll just hide out in the corner." Cat says. I frown slightly. Something's definitely off.
"Sure, Cat. Always happy to have you here. We were actually just talking about the success of the music video." Vik explains.
"Oh yeah. It was the fastest video to reach one million viewers so far on your channel, right, Tori?" Cat gives me a prideful look. It's true. My videos with over one million views generally took a few weeks to reach that many viewers. This one took a few days.
"Sure was." I beam at her. Still, her smile doesn't reach too far.
"I'm so glad." She sighs, taking a seat in the corner of the room. I give her a long look and our eyes lock. A silent question in mine, a pained look in hers.
"So, as I was saying, due to the success of the video and the song, guess what I did?" Vik states.
"Didn't meet Crave?" Nicky jokes, earning a scathing look from Vik.
"No. I've made it so that Shake will be available for purchase on PearTunes." Vik announces. I tear my eyes from Cat's for a moment to stare at Vik.
"What?! Really?" I gasp.
"Yep. Look how professional you are. Who's the best music producer?" Vik grins.
"You. Way better than Crave." I grin back.
"Aw, shucks…" Vik blushes.
"Wow, I can actually see his head swelling. Somebody get ice." Nicky comments, and Vik glares at her again. "Geez! I'm kidding. You dun good, Vik." Nicky states.
"Thank you. Now then, our next plan of attack… booking live performances, more promotion, and writing more songs." Vik points at me. I raise my hands.
"Okay, okay. I got it." I sigh. We talk a bit more about our next steps and throw more non-Cat related song ideas around. But more often than not, I was looking over at Cat. She was sometimes engaged in what we were talking about, but mostly she was worriedly chewing on her lip, with a far off and sad glint in her eye. You know how I get when she's like this… Extremely concerned.
"Well maybe we can get her to feature or something. Like, T could sing with Lights or someone." Nicky suggests.
"And how exactly do we make that happen?" Vik sighs.
"I don't know. Ask?" Nicky huffs. I look at Cat again, and her eyes are shut tight and her lips are pressed together. She opens her eyes and stares at the ground, looking very closed off.
"Like it's that simple. You can't just ask a big Canadian artist like Lights to let you feature on her song." Vik sighs. This is stupid. Not their conversation, but the fact that Cat's clearly upset and I'm doing nothing to make it better.
"Hey, have you seen the kind of person she is? She'd totally take a chance on T." Nicky states.
"Now who's having a woman-crush?" Vik jeers.
I get up and leave their argument behind to approach Cat. As I get closer, she looks up at me with her large eyes, and then she smiles. I stand in front of her silently, and I let out a sigh. She gives me a puzzled look before I sit down on her lap and wrap my arms around her neck, pulling her close. She collapses into my embrace immediately, as if she was trying to hold herself up this entire time.
"Tell me what's wrong." I whisper into her ear.
"Tori…" She mumbles. "I'll tell you later. I promise. I don't want to interrupt your work."
"Okay. I'm here for you, though. Anytime, no matter what." I state softly, giving her a squeeze.
"I know. That's why I came here… I just needed you near." Cat sighs, nuzzling close. I hold her tight and shut my eyes, breathing her in.
"I'm here." I say.
"Uh, guys?' I hear Vik say.
"Shh! This is adorable!" Nicky hisses to Vik, and I hear Cat giggle lightly. She pushes me back gently, giving an affectionate look.
"Get back to work. It's okay." Cat whispers, patting my sides.
"Okay. Let me know if you need anything." I state, and I leave a very soft kiss on her forehead. She blushes and smiles as I get up from her and head back to Vik and Nicky. Vik is raising his eyebrow while Nicky is giving me a smug look. I don't regret comforting Cat, but… Nicky's never going to stop bringing this up. Sigh.
Despite her not wanting to distract me from work, I still look over at her often. She always gives me a small, encouraging smile, and I smile back before tearing my gaze away. Vik has to frequently wave a hand in front of my face or Nicky would flick my forehead before I could really get into the work, but eventually my mind would always move back to Cat.
At one point Nicky is playing a jazz guitar beat, and I'm digging it at first. Then there's a break in the beat, and I hear a sniff. Not a cold sniff, not a breathing in sniff, but a trying-to-hold-it-together sniff. My head whips toward Cat and I see her wiping her eyes on her sleeve. I stand up quickly, facing her direction.
"Cat?" I ask quickly. She removes her sleeve and her eyes are glistening, and her make-up has smudged a bit.
"Oh, sorry. Don't mind me." Cat forces a smile.
"What's wrong, kid?" Nicky asks.
"This is a safe space, Cat. You can tell us anything." Vik assures her. Cat drops her head, looking at the ground.
"It's stupid… Barry and I had a fight." She mumbles. I pause for a moment, processing, and then I throw myself across the room and swoop down to pull Cat into another hug. She grasps at the back of my shirt, burying her face into my neck.
"Barry? You mean your fiancé?" Vik asks.
"Mhm." Cat mutters against me.
"Cat, I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?" I murmur.
"Maybe later. Right now… this is good. Being surrounded by supportive people." Cat sighs.
"No worries. Feel free to be as sad as you want here. You're like family." Nicky states. I hear Cat choke out a sob, which makes me squeeze her tighter.
"Thanks, Nicky. And Vik. And… Tori. I'm sorry I-"
"No more being sorry. Just let yourself feel. I got you." I mutter, and at these words she lets the walls come down and she cries into my shoulder. I once again slip onto her lap and hold her close to my chest, rocking her back and forth.
"Here. I got her a water." Vik says gently, appearing at our side. I take the bottle with a grateful smile and Cat tips her head back, looking flushed and tired but still so beautiful. She gives Vik a teary smile takes a sip from the bottle. Vik walks back to Nicky and leans against the wall. "You know, I bet our arguing hasn't helped." Vik whispers to Nicky.
"You're right. Temporary truce. Sorry, Cat." Nicky nods.
"It's okay. Not your fault. I think your arguments are funny, anyway." Cat smiles, leaning into my shoulder. I rest my lips against the top of her head.
"Oh, well in that case…" Nicky trails off, and then she lands a sharp punch on Vik's shoulder.
"Ow, geez Nicky!" Vik winces, and Cat lets out a giggle along with my own. Cat snuggles closer and takes in a deep breath.
"Feeling better?" I ask her quietly.
"Yeah. Thank you." Cat mumbles. I run my hand soothingly through her hair. I wish I knew what happened but… it's not my place to ask. All I know is that I want to murder Barry. With a chainsaw. And a spork.
"…Why don't you two get out of here?" Vik suggests with a sigh. I look at him questioningly.
"What?"
"Look, I know what it's like to have a bad fight with a significant other. I can't imagine how it must be with someone you're about to marry. I don't want to speak for you, Cat, but I can imagine you don't want to just sit around and dwell on it when you could be distracted." Vik says. Cat looks at him for a moment, and then slowly shakes her head. "Exactly. So maybe it's better if Tori took you out to get your mind off it."
"Plus, T will never be able to focus while her friend is upset." Nicky smirks. I blush and roll my eyes while Cat looks at me worriedly.
"I don't want to impose." Cat sighs. I turn to look at her, and I touch her cheek gently, feeling the wet streaks her tears left behind.
"If it'll help, I'll spend the day with you. I can think of worse things." I smile. She smiles back.
"Okay." She agrees, kissing me on the cheek.
"Great. That's settled." Vik nods. "We'll work on some more things. Maybe we can do something with the pancake song." Vik ponders. Cat raises an eyebrow at me and I just give a sheepish smile.
"Why don't you guys go see the cherry blossoms? They're supposed to be in full bloom now." Nicky suggests. Oh god yes. I can just imagine… walking amongst the trees, Cat walking close to me… But wait, doesn't she have memories with Barry there? Is that really the best place for her right now?
But I feel a gentle tugging on my sleeve, and I turn to look into Cat's big, excited eyes. "Can we?" She asks. Aw, she's suddenly like a child full of wonderment.
"Of course." I smile, and she brightens up immediately. Thank you, Vik and Nicky… this is definitely something she needs. "Okay, let's get going. Hopefully it's not too crowded." I say, sliding off of her lap and pulling her up by the hands.
"But I like that about it… tons of people gathering in one place to see a fleeting moment of nature in one of its most beautiful moments. It's kind of poetic." Cat states.
"Poetic? That's it. Tori, you're to go there to have fun with Cat and get inspiration." Vik orders.
"Yes, sir." I chuckle.
"But fun is your first priority." Nicky winks, shoving us out. "And don't come back until you're both totally happy with life. See ya!" She pushes out the door and closes it behind us, leaving us in the early spring air. Still a bit chilly… but it's comfortable. I like it.
"You heard the girl. Come on." I smile at Cat.
"Kay, kay." Cat nods while following me to my car, and I feel my heart swell. How cute can you get…
While driving, I find the happiest sounding song on the radio and blast it, and while I'm driving, I notice Cat staring over at me. I glance over at her and she releases a bashful smile, turning back to the front.
"You're going to love the cherry blossoms. There's something so serene about them. Like snow, only… warmer. A serene warmth. I know you'll like it." Cat gushes.
"I know I will, too." Because I'll be with you…
"And I know I'll really like seeing them this year with you." Cat sighs. Did she… just read my mind? "In the past years, I imagined what it'd be like to show them to you. Now I get to. You have no idea how much that means to me." Cat looks over again.
"Aw, Cat…"
"Sometimes, I still can't believe you're in my life again. Even though it's been a while… I still have to pinch myself when I think, 'I'm going to see Tori today!', and that's an incredible feeling." She mutters.
"I know what you mean." I agree. I still wake up some mornings and have to remind myself that Cat's alive and safe. I spent too long believing otherwise.
"Of course… it must be worse for you. At least I knew where you were, and how you were doing." Cat sighs. Seriously, she can read my thoughts…
"I guess. But I think we missed each other equally." I state. I feel her small hand touch my arm and squeeze, and shivers run up and down my spine.
"Yeah… you're probably right." She smiles. "I love you a lot, Tori."
Full on flush. Tingles everywhere. Head floating in the clouds. "I love you too, Cat."
Friends, just as friends. Not in love with anything. I don't even know what that feels like.
"I know… that's why you're taking me to one of my favourite places in the world just to cheer me up, as usual. You're the… best, best friend I could ever ask for." Cat states.
"As if you can talk. Vik still can't believe you got me to meet Crave." I chuckle.
"Still mad at me for how I did that?" Cat smirks.
"I found it in myself to forgive you." I smile.
"Excellent." Cat clicks her tongue as we head into High Park. I eventually find a parking spot, and Cat and I get out of the car. I already notice white and pink petals floating by in the breeze. Cat takes my hand and starts leading me down a path. "This way… get ready for your jaw to drop." Cat giggles. Her hand is so, so soft… this is the first time we've held hands while we were out without my hand being covered by a stupid glove. It takes everything in me not to run my thumb over her skin…
Apparently everything in me isn't enough. I'm doing it anyway. Ugh, whatever. I'm enjoying how smooth and silky her hand is to care right now. Cat squeezes my hand and leans closer as we walk in silence. Can I just… stay in this moment forever? I don't want to leave this moment. I don't want to give her back to Barry so he can make her upset again.
"Tori?" Cat asks softly.
"Mm?"
"Do you… do you think I'm insensitive?" Cat asks. I turn to stare at her.
"What? Cat, are you serious? You're probably one of the most caring, compassionate and sensitive people I know." I state. She grabs my arm with her other hand and moves her hand to lace our fingers together.
"Thanks, Tori… it makes me feel better that you think that." Cat mumbles. I look at her watching the ground as we walk.
"Why do you ask?" I question. She shakes her head.
"It's been on my mind lately. I… try my best to make the lives around me a little better. I try to be sensitive about other people's needs. But then I do selfish things like… Leave all my friends and family without telling them. Or…" She stops short, biting her lip. "I think I'm incredibly selfish. Barry said so… said I'm… self-absorbed."
"He what? How could he even think that? Does he not know you at all?" I seethe.
"Tori…"
"No, listen… I don't know the context of what you fought about, but the idea of you being selfish is… bullshit. If you ever do something for yourself, I know you have a good reason. This includes how you disappeared over three years ago. This is includes whatever caused Barry to accuse you of this. There's no reason you shouldn't do something that you feel is best for yourself, because you should always come first and… and… wow." I'm cut short by the sight in front of me.
White. But not from snow. There are a line of trees blanketing the pathway, dressing the area as if a wedding gown. The branches sway in the breeze, the petals fluttering around in flashes of pink. It's… beautiful. I've seen pictures, but nothing compares to seeing it in person. Just, the precious beauty of a new beginning. No wonder Cat loves it…
"Cat, this is… wow." I gape.
"Mhm." She agrees softly, but her eyes are trained on me, not even noticing the trees around her. I look over at her, and she's giving me an unreadable look. I just wish I could always read her face, or just know what she's thinking… "Tori?"
"Yeah?"
"I wish people didn't have to get hurt in the wake of me doing something for myself." She frowns. I sigh, touching her cheek slightly. She closes her eyes, a lone tear escaping. And I desperately want to kiss it away.
"You can't protect everyone." I mutter. She places her hand on my hand, leaning into it.
"What if I keep hurting the people I love most? What if I hurt Barry? Bev? Vik and Nicky?" Cat lets out a shuddered breath and her eyes meet mine. "What if I hurt you again?"
"Cat… what happened today?" I ask.
"Today… May 5th…" Cat trails off.
"Go on…"
"It's mine and Barry's anniversary. Of when we first met. Of when we first went on that date." Cat reveals. I stare at her.
"Did he forget?" I ask. She bites her lip.
"No. But you see how that's a bad thing, right? How that's insensitive to forget something so important with someone who you're going to spend the rest of your life with?" Cat looks away guiltily, and realization dawns on me.
"You forgot." I state plainly.
"Yeah. I woke up this morning to breakfast in bed, the biggest bouquet of flowers I've ever seen, and a gorgeous necklace. And my response?" Cat drops into her Stacy voice, "What's the occasion?" She seems to laugh a bit, mostly at herself, before she bites her lip to try to keep the tears at bay. I look at her neck and I notice… no necklace. "The look on his face… I swear I reached in his chest, yanked and pulled."
"But you didn't, Cat… You forgot. It was an honest mistake. You… you have a wedding coming up. An anniversary that will trump any coffee date. Not to mention it's keeping your mind pretty occupied. He can't blame you for forgetting…" I sigh.
"Under normal circumstances, yes. He would've probably just found it funny. But… This fight we had… it was a long time coming. And it was all my fault. He says I've been distant… I've been missing more appointments with wedding things than I ever should. I'm sleeping when he gets home at night rather than waiting up like I usually do, and if I get home later than him, I go straight to bed. I haven't been there for him recently. He called me out on all these things, and he's right… He's right, Tori. I should focus on him more. I should…" Cat chokes.
"And… why haven't you, lately?" I ask calmly.
"I don't know… I guess I'm confused." Cat furrows her brow.
"About Barry?"
"I think I'm just scared. I don't know what to expect…" Cat sighs. "I guess I'm taking that out on Barry."
"Sounds like you're still figuring things out." I say, running a hand through her hair. "Remember how I was? Worried about my future? If I could handle it? What'd you tell me?"
"I… didn't really tell you anything. I just dragged you into a grocery store and danced with you." Cat recalls.
"Exactly. That's how you are. You don't dwell on things. You dance them away. You laugh them away. Scary things can't even touch you, because they don't know how to handle you, not the other way around. You'll figure it out… just take it one day at a time." I state. She gives me a long look before tearing her gaze away.
"I better figure it out soon. Barry said it can't work if I keep going on like this." She mumbles. He said… he said what.
"Seriously?! So he just… placed all the blame on you. That's ridiculous. Yelling at you instead of talking it out? Instead of figuring out what's needed on both sides? Relationships involve communication, for god sakes. You can't always have them fit your ideal perception of what you want them to be like." I gape. This seems to light a bit of a fire in her.
"Well, I did try to tell him I've just been going through a lot of changes the past while." Cat recalls. "And that's not a bad thing."
"As you should've." I nod.
"And he just… dismissed me. Said he didn't think it was a very good thing if it took me away from him, but he doesn't even know if I'm going anywhere!" Cat rants. "Which I'm not. God, you're right. I start to break out of my shell a little bit and have a little less time for him because I'm finally putting myself out there a bit more, just like he's always told me, and suddenly I'm doing it wrong!"
"You're being Cat." I state. She blinks.
"What?"
"You're being Cat… He's used to Stacy." I observe. She blinks again, several times.
"Yeah… that's it. That's exactly it. I'm being Cat. I'm being a bit flighty and absent minded and distracted and you know what? I fucking love it." Cat fumes.
"Then let him get to know Cat. The real you." I say. "Because in my opinion, she's fucking awesome."
"I will… because Stacy is a side of me as well, but I really just want to… be Cat again. I get to be Cat around you and… not around him. That's why. That's why I'm distancing myself. I'm not being insensitive. I'm being Cat." She realizes with wide eyes. I take her by the shoulders.
"And Cat is the most caring, sensitive and beautiful girl I know that he is lucky to have." I claim. Uh… too much?
"Beautiful?" Cat blinks. Yeah… too much.
"W-well, yeah…" I mutter. She's still for a moment, and then she picks a petal out of my hair.
"You're beautiful too, Tori. And thank you. You… helped me figure things out. You make them better." Cat sighs, and I smile, almost certain my face is about to burn off from this blush.
"Talk to Barry, okay? Just talk it out. You'll fix things, I know it." I state. She throws her arms around me.
"Thanks, Tori. I will." She murmurs, and then she pulls back with a bright smile on her face. "Okay, let's actually enjoy the trees now."
"Yes, lets." I laugh, and I also brush a petal out of her hair. "Do you feel better?"
"Loads." She grins. "Look! See how half of that tree hasn't flowered yet? It's behind all the other trees. It only has buds. But when the petals fall off all the other trees, it'll stand out among the rest and still capture everyone's attention."
"Sounds like late bloomers are a blessing in disguise." I chuckle.
"Mhm. And those two trees are tied together at the branches…" She keeps making observations like this as she goes along. Being cheerful. Being free. Being Cat.
She walks ahead and I watch her endearingly as a gust of wind picks up some petals and swirls them around her. Damn… she's just… incredible.
"Hey Tori?" Cat calls back.
"Yeah?" I ask, trying to restart my heart.
"September 17th, 2012." Cat recites. I raise my eyebrow.
"What?" I question. Well she's definitely channeling the random side of Cat…
"I got a really weird perm that day. My brother wanted to try doing my hair, and… yeah. I guess it looked okay, but it wasn't really my style. My brother could've done worse." Cat recalls. And… the brother stories return…
"Uh huh…"
"I was walking through the hallway and I ran into this new girl. She was really pretty and really talented from what I saw at the showcase. I was hyper and over reactive and random… She must've thought I was crazy. But she was so nice… and she hasn't stopped being nice since. Even when I'm at my craziest." Cat smiles, turning to me. "That was the day we met, Tori… it's one of the most important days of my life. I'd never forget that."
Ulgh. Right in the feels.
"Cat…" I breathe, and she smirks and turns to walk away. Another gust of wind picks up and the petals blow around her. She looks like a mythical princess right now, the way the wind picks up her hair. Her hair… I love her hair, the vibrancy that matches her perfectly, and how it outlines her skin. You already know what I think of her skin, and how it covers that perfectly sculpted body that fits in my arms so well… And I love how she'll smile up at me, or at me in general, that flash of white breaking through my darkest moment along with her laugh and voice. I love how compassionate she is. I love how she looks at life. I love her comforting presence. I love… I love…
…
Shit.
ShitShitShitShitShitShit
May 19th, 2017
I've been avoiding Cat. Ever since my little… epiphany in High Park. I know. So mature. But I don't want to deal with this, and seeing Cat would mean dealing with it, on some level. It's too intense. When she's not around, I can ignore it a little bit… but I still pick her up from her late shifts, which luckily haven't been too often the past two weeks. But even then I'm pretty unresponsive and barely look at her. Every time I see her… It's too much.
She's been worried, of course. Asking me to talk. Asking me what's wrong. And I feel awful because I know how concerned she is and I despise causing her any sort of hurt. But what can I say to her? I just have to keep dancing around it. Sending her texts about how I'm busy at the studio, and she'd ask to come by, but… I'd just say no, that's okay.
I'm horrible. Absolutely horrible. But this is what I need to do. Anything else is… too hard. I wanted to move on from my feelings. Not… not…
"Kid!" Nicky slams a book down next to me and I jump. "What's up with you? You haven't been yourself for the past two weeks!" Nicky huffs.
"What happened to the gung-ho Tori? Now you're all… depressed." Vik notes.
"Yeah. It's bumming me out. Did you have another friend who was kidnapped?" Nicky asks.
"Nicky! Jesus Christ. Have some tact." Vik snaps.
"Sorry." Nicky mumbles. Vik comes over to me and kneels down.
"I mean, in some ways you've been burying yourself in recording and work more than ever. The cover we recorded and put of Splashface this week was very… passionate. But there's nothing here. You're not happy." Vik sighs. I turn away, frowning.
"Why be happy when things feel devoid of meaning, even happiness." I mutter. Great. I'm now a tortured soul. Fuck.
"…I thought you wanted to write pop music, not emo." Nicky blinks.
"Nicky, please." Vik shushes her. "Tori, you know by now you can talk to us."
"I don't want to talk about it." I mumble, turning my back away.
"Is it Cat?" Nicky asks suddenly, and I wince. "…it is!"
"Nicky, Tori said she didn't want to talk about it… Did you kiss again?" Vik inquires.
"Vik!" I glare at him.
"…That just slipped out. Sorry. No more questions. I'll leave it alone." He states. I let out a sigh.
"Iymunlufithkat." I rush out. They blink at me.
"Sorry… English, please?" Nicky requests. Another sigh.
"I'm in love with Cat." I say more slowly. I expect Nicky to cheer or something, but they both stand there stoically.
"Shit…" Vik sighs.
"That was my reaction." I mumble. Nicky kneels on the other side of me.
"What's your plan? What are you going to do?" She asks. I shake my head.
"So far, I've just been avoiding her. Trying to stay away, like I should have done in the first place when these… feelings came up." I reply. Nicky just shakes her head.
"No wonder you're so down. You can't keep yourself away from someone who means so much to you. It's not good on your mental or emotional health." Nicky sighs.
"Well what are my options? Being near her when I can't have her? I can't… I tried and it's so painful. Being in love sucks." I mumble.
"I'm not going to lie, you're in a really tough situation. Love can either be the best or worst feeling in the world. You're feeling the worst of it right now, and I'm so sorry." Nicky says softly. Nicky really does have a soft, caring side at times.
"What do I do?" I ask. "Do you still think she could love me back? I mean… I can't handle this. Feeling like this." I groan. She touches my shoulder gently.
"I do. I believe there's definitely a chance." Nicky murmurs.
"But what about her fiancé?" Vik asks, and I cringe again.
"Vik! Tact!" Nicky snaps.
"I'm just saying! He's kind of a major roadblock, whether Cat returns Tori's feelings or not. There's got to be feelings there, too. And if Cat does have feelings for Tori…" Vik trails off.
"It must be excruciating for her." I sigh. "But she has Barry to fall back on. He's the safe choice. Why would she take a chance on me?" I wonder aloud.
"Because maybe you're the one. If you believe in that." Nicky suggests.
"Do you?" I ask. She shrugs.
"To an extent. I believe everyone who comes along affects your life in some form or another until you and the right person reach the point where you're ready for each other." Nicky philosophizes.
"And are we ready? What if we're never ready? And besides, Barry believes Cat's the one for him. I can't… if it were me, how would I feel if someone tore Cat away from me?" I sigh, and then my head slams on the desk. "They have sex… I bet they have sex every night." I groan.
"Vik, we're losing her." Nicky states.
"Uh, okay. Don't… think about that. That'll just make it worse. Obviously falling in love with Cat is an unpleasant thing when you can't have her, but I think Nicky is right. Ignoring her and staying away isn't going to work now, either." Vik says.
"Why?" I mumble against the wood of the desk.
"Because… she makes you happy, on some level. Very happy. You want her in your life… But you're scared of complicating both of your lives. And I think she needs you, too. If she didn't, she wouldn't have come by here several times after you left to ask us if you were okay." Vik explains.
"She did?"
"Yeah, that's how I knew to ask if it was about Cat. She's very worried… we just kept telling her we'd keep an eye out." Nicky admits.
"You're not going to figure this out like this. You're just going to… fall into an even deeper pit of despair. You need to figure this out together." Vik says.
"How can I tell her? How can I tell her I'm in love with her? Then what? Ask her to leave Barry for me?" I whine.
"I say screw Barry. Take your chance. Maybe his time is up, and now it's your turn." Nicky suggests firmly.
"Or, you can do that thing where you love her so much that you're happy no matter who she's with. You know… just in case she doesn't choose you." Vik offers.
"I can't. I can't do that, Vik. I could tell myself I'm happy, but it'd be a big fucking lie." I sigh, turning my head on its side.
"Why? You love her, don't you?" Vik asks.
"Yes. And I've been in love for about two weeks. Or at least… since I've realized it. It's probably been longer. I'm not saying I'm an expert on the feeling, but I've noticed one notable difference." I state, drawing a circle into the table with my finger. "When you love someone, you want them to be happy. When you're in love, you want to be the one to make them happy."
"Damn." Nicky states.
"Tori… I don't know what to say." Vik sighs.
"Tell me what to do." I groan.
"What do you have to lose by taking a chance on her?" Vik asks.
"My world." I mutter.
"Annd we're back to emo." Nicky huffs.
"So, find a way to keep her close without destroying yourself." Vik says. I shut my eyes tight. They're right. I can't keep pushing Cat away from me. She means too much to me. She's my little ray of sunshine and right now my life is black as midnight. Okay, this tortured soul stuff needs to stop… either way, I risk destroying myself.
"I miss her." I mumble.
"I know you do, T." Nicky sighs.
"I don't know if I'm ready to face her." I say.
"Don't make her wait too long. You're just going to upset her, and I know you don't want that." Vik says.
"You're right." I mutter, sitting up. "Sorry I'm a mess."
"Hey, like I said… Best or worst feeling in the world. I hope you feel the best of it eventually." Nicky states.
"Me too. I'm still… not too comfortable with the idea of homewrecking, but… maybe you really are that cliché meant-to-be couple. Just… don't do anything that would ruin the purity of that. Talking only." Vik says.
"I know. I would never… I couldn't do that." I sigh. If I was that kind of person, who knows where Cat and I would be right now… "And maybe I just need some more time to get used to it. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion."
"That's the spirit, kid." Nicky grins.
"Thanks guys. I feel a bit better." I say.
"Good. Now I feel like I give you way too much time off, but maybe we should wrap up for the day." Vik states.
"I'd appreciate that. I need some time to sort out my thoughts." I mutter. "I'll see you guys on Monday, though."
"Uhh, no you won't." Nicky pipes in.
"Why not?" I furrow my brow.
"Monday is Victoria Day." Vik answers.
"What day?"
"Victoria Day… it's a holiday in most of Canada, so we'll be closed." Vik explains.
"Oh… what's it celebrating?" I ask.
"Some… queen. But honestly, it's mostly a day meant for drinking. Kind of like St. Patrick's Day." Nicky says. I stare at her. "Actually, having a drink on Monday might not be the worst idea for you. Take the edge off. After all, it is your day. Victoria Day." She winks.
Actually, it'd be a horrible idea for me. Vik and Nicky still don't know my wrestles with falling into a bad place with drinking. But, you know…
When in Canada, do as the Canadians do.
May 22nd, 2017
The Summerhill LCBO. This is apparently the largest liquor store around. If I'm going to let loose tonight, I'm going to splurge. It's just one night… one night of numbing, and then I'll face Cat tomorrow. You know, after the hangover dissipates.
This is… there are a lot of choices, holy crap. I was used to just wandering around parties and taking the alcohol off of anyone who I could charm enough – and depending on what those people wanted from me, it could be very easy to get them to give me a few shots. But now, I have the choice… what do I want? Beer? Vodka? Tequila? Ugh, not tequila. I'm still recovering from an incident back in my partying days.
And holy hell Canadian liquor is expensive… Well I'm just going to step away from the wine section… Okay, Vodka is a safe bet. Well… as safe as alcohol can be. And… that looks pretty. Sour Puss? Sure! Grab it. And, um… Creamsicle rum coolers? Yes please. Wow, I couldn't be more of a girl if I tried. I'm almost tempted to buy whiskey just to break gender stereotypes… Almost.
One stupid grin on my face while buying the alcohol later, and I'm on my way back to the apartment. When I walk in with my big bag of booze, I feel my phone vibrate.
Tori, can we please talk? I really miss you.
Oh, Cat… damnit. I miss you too. But I can't talk to you. Not yet.
I ignore the text and put my alcohol in the fridge, ready for later. It's too early now, even though I'm itching to break into it now… You know, thoughts like that make me really think I may have a bit of an addiction. Maybe this whole… getting drunk for a night is a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't…
Another vibrate.
If I did something wrong… I'm sorry. And if you just don't want to be friends anymore, I'll be confused but… I'll accept it. I just need to know, Tori.
Ugh, my heart. I can't ignore that one… I need to make her feel better somehow.
Cat, of course I still want to be friends with you. I'm sorry I've been distant. Do you want to meet for lunch tomorrow? We'll talk then.
I send that, and then I pause a moment before sending her another text.
And I really miss you, too.
I let out a sigh and collapse on my bed. I feel so drained. No, I need a night to let loose. To forget what's going on around me. Dull my feelings… Cat sends me a reply.
Okay. You've always helped me, so I want to help you. I'll see you tomorrow. Just come to my place around 12. I'll make something up for us.
I know she wants to help, but she can't. Not when she's the problem. I don't know how she'll react to the news… that I'm in love with her. I have no idea what will happen from there. Part of me wants her to kick me out. Be angry and tell me she never wants to see me again, so I don't have to see her and I can move on. A larger part of me wants her to be understanding and tell me she can't be with me but she still wants to be friends and she'll do what she can to make it as not painful as possible until I can cope with my feelings. Knowing Cat, that's probably the most realistic response. And that still hurts my heart because… the largest part of me wants her to say she's in love with me, too.
And… and then what?
Ugh, I can't think about this right now. It's too much. I look over to the fridge. Maybe I could just have a shot now… just something take the edge off. Yeah.
I get up and drag myself to the fridge, pulling the vodka bottle out. And… shit. I don't have a shot glass. Oh well, I'll just… guestimate a shot amount in a glass. Perfect.
I pour a bit into a glass and hold it up to the light, seeing it gleam through. Soon, my world won't be as clear as this glass, and there's a weird comfort in that. Not a Cat kind of comfort, but…
"Well, happy Victoria Day, Victoria." I sigh, downing the liquor.
Something I forgot… When you don't drink for a while, and then you drink a lot, it hits you hard. So hard. It's been a few hours and I've been taking it slow, but man am I ever feeling it. Woo!
The first little bit I was just revelling in the warm, light headed feeling. The nice little numbing. Then I started drinking more, and I started giggling to myself… and then I drank more, and more… and somehow it got dark out. I should probably eat something. Then more drinks.
Look. Mac and cheese. Perfect.
Shit, I spilled the milk.
Shit, I dropped the butter.
Ow boiling water.
I don't think I got all the cheesy powder in the pan… oh well.
I eat my less than fancy meal, but I know I'm only eating it so I can drink more. At the rate I'm going at, I'll pass my limit in no time, and I'd really rather not do that. I just want to keep a nice buzz… forever…
Alone. In my apartment.
…
This is stupid. I'm in one of Canada's most urban centres on a day known for drinking! I shouldn't be inside drinking by myself. That's just sad. I should be out, living! But first, more alcohol.
There we go.
Now, let's hit the city. I pick out a black pencil skirt, black tights, and a frilly blue top… and I cake on my make-up. I think. I don't know, my image in the mirror was swaying too much.
Grabbing a clutch and everything I need, I put on my black heel boots and "sneak" out of the building. I'd feel ashamed if Ms. Wilkinson saw me like this, and it's a little hard to hide… I'm stumbling everywhere. But it's not my fault the hallway is so crooked!
I step out into the outside and… Now what? Fuck, I didn't think this through… Maybe I should just go back inside and look something up. Or sleep…
"Whoa, hi!" I hear as I bump into a large body. I stumble back to see a group of people about my age. I smile, embarrassed.
"Sorry!" I say. The guy I bumped into looks me up and down, and then smiles at his friends.
"No problem. You on your way to a party?" He asks.
"Yeah! Except… I don't know where." I furrow my brow, and then I start laughing nervously. The group looks at each other again with smiles on their faces.
"Well, girl, you can come with us! We're heading to the entertainment district to do some bar hopping." One of them says. I brighten up. They know where the night life is!
"Okay! That sounds fun!" I grin.
"Oh, it will be. What's your name, girl?" Another one asks.
"Tori." I answer.
"Alright, Tori. Let us show you a good time." The guy I bumped into says.
"Sounds good to me!" I beam.
Look at all this lack of judgment I have! Look at it! So freeing…
We all walk down the street together talking about random things. Apparently they're students at the University of Toronto, or something. They all have early class tomorrow, but apparently they're disregarding it in favour of Victoria Day. They all thought it was really funny when I said my full name was Victoria, and then they found it really interesting when I told them I was a singer from LA.
"Can you sing for us?" One asks.
"Ohhh, no, singing while drunk is a bad idea for me." I laugh.
"C'mon, you're not even that drunk." Another winks. Ha, what a kidder.
"Just a little bit. Go on." A guy near me nudges me. Well… Alright.
"You don't have to be afraid to put your dream in action, you're never gonna fade you'll be the main attraction, not a fantasy, just remember me when it turns out right!"
"Woo! This girl is good!" One cheers, I smile and start spinning.
"'Cause you know if you live in your imagination, tomorrow you'll be everyone's fascination! In my victory, just remember me, when I make it SHIIIIINE!"
And then I fall over, but somebody caught me. I'm still amazed how Make it Shine is still my go-to song.
"Dude, this girl is so hammed." I hear one of them mutter to the other.
"Haha, whoops." I chuckle, righting myself up.
"No problem. Let's hit up a club. I'll buy you a drink." The guy who caught me smiles.
"Yeah, me too." Another one snickers. Yes… free alcohol.
We head into a club and the music is blaring, the lights are flashing, and the atmosphere is fantastic. I went to a ton of house parties back in the day, but this is my first club experience. I just want to dance everywhere.
So I do. I bounce around the dance floor like a fire cracker. Eventually the guys I came here with start feeding me drinks. Good, all this dancing was sobering me up. Then I hear the DJ mix in a very old song.
"Oh my god, I love this song!" I yell, hanging off one of the guy. "Who sings it? I forget!"
"The Pussycat Dolls. And I only know that because Nicole was hot." He shouts back, and I laugh.
"Oh yeah! The Pussycat Dolls…" I trail off. Cat…
No, no I'm not going to get emotional drunk here. This is fun drunk Tori time. Not… thinking about Cat time…
I wonder what she's doing. Is she having a nice night with Barry? Has she even patched up with Barry? I never checked in with her… I'm a horrible friend. Cat's been nothing but wonderful to me. It's all my fault that I fell in love with her. God, I want to hear her voice right now…
"Tori, you okay?" A guy from the group asks. I look at him for a moment.
"Yeah! I'm just going to get some air." I yell.
"Smoke break?" He asks.
"Sure." I shrug. Not really, but I don't want to explain. I stumble through the crowd and back out to the outside. I walk far enough so the bass line of the club isn't too blaring, and I fumble for my phone. I have to try a couple times to get her number right before I remember I can just tap her name. Silly Tori…
"Tori?" Her voice answers right away when I put the phone to my ear, and it's enough to send my heart pumping wildly.
"Heeey, Cat." I grin stupidly.
"Hey… what's up? I thought we were going to talk tomorrow…" She questions.
"Yeah, we are, but you know… Just… wanted to see how you are… So. How are ya?" I ask.
"Oh. Um, I'm okay. How are you?" She asks back.
"Me? Oh I feel… I feel breat. Great." I stumble.
"…That's… good. What are you doing right now?" Cat asks. So many questions… but that's okay because they're coming from her beautiful mouth.
"You know… shtuff." I chuckle. "Just… Chilling."
"Tori, are you drunk?"
"Yes… wait, shit! I was supposed to say no!" I curse myself.
"…Tori, why?" Cat sighs, and she sounds sad. She shouldn't be sad… I'm happy. Happy Tori.
"Because it's… Victoria Day! It's my day! And apparently people drink today so I drank and now I'm drunk. Haha whoops." I giggle. She lets out another sigh on the other side of the line.
"Yes, but why would you drink? You know you shouldn't… because of your… history." Cat reasons.
"Oh, lighten up. It's just one night. I needed a night of fuzzy fun." I mumble.
"But why?"
"Because I just have so many feelings, you know? Feelings are… are difficult. I don't like them." I groan.
"Oh… okay… Are you okay? Where are you?" Cat asks, voice thick with worry.
"I dunno. Somewhere. I was just in a club. Cat, clubs are fun! I was dancing and then Pussycat Dolls came on and I realized the word Cat is in Pussycat Dolls so I thought you and I wanted to hear your voice and here I am!" I grin.
"Yeah… I'm glad you wanted to hear my voice. Are… are you with someone? Like Vik and Nicky?" Cat inquires.
"Pfft, no, they don't even know I'm here. I came alone!" I laugh.
"What?!" Cat gasps.
"No, no it's okay! I met this group of guys and they said they'd show me a good time!" I assure her.
"…What?!"
"Cat, relaaax. I'm fine." I huff.
"Tori… I think you should go home now. Just, leave those guys and call a cab and go home. Please?" Cat begs, sounding desperate.
"Why would I do that? I'm not ready to go back to reality." I scoff.
"Listen, I don't know why you're reacting like this, but it's not worth putting yourself in danger! Remember? You regretted doing this before!" Cat pleads.
"Yeah but Cat, it's just too hard." I whine.
"What's hard, Tori?" Cat asks softly.
"My feelings…" I groan.
"What kind of feelings, Tori? What's making you want to shut reality out this much?" Cat interrogates. Geez, this phone conversation is getting too deep.
"Feelings for yooouu." I admit, sighing.
"…Wh…What?" Cat gasps. I concur, Cat. What the fuck did I just say!?
"Oh, um, you weren't supposed to hear that…" I chuckle.
"Hey, Tori!" I hear from one of the guys, walking over in the group. "There you are. We're going to hit up another club! You coming?"
"Yeah, for sure! Cat, I gotta go. Time for more dancing and partying!" I grin, happy for a way out.
"Wait, Tori. Where are you?" Cat asks sharply.
"I don't know… um… entertainment district? Where ever the fuck that is. Haha. Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow! The guys are calling me!"
"Tori, hold on-"
But I hang up and let out a breath. Okay, no more drunk dialing. At least it'll give me a segue tomorrow.
Enough about tomorrow. I'm in another club and I'm being given more drinks! I know I should probably stop soon. I'm reaching my limit, if I haven't already passed it. Probably passed it, seeing as I'm not used to alcohol anymore… And judging by how sloppy I'm getting. I feel like the guys are just holding me up, now. Some of their hands are getting a little grabby, though…
"Hey, let's get out of here! I want Subway or something." One of the guys shouts. They all nod in agreement and pull me along with them, taking me out onto the sidewalk.
"How you doing, Tori?" One of the more grabby guys asks.
"Good, good! I'm having a ton of fun." I hiccup. They all laugh a bit to each other. They're probably laughing at me… Okay, no more alcohol, Tori.
"Well once we get back from Subway we'll do shots, okay?" A guy chuckles.
"Okay!" I grin. Damnit, Tori.
"Damn, she's cute." I hear. I follow his eyes and see a girl storming towards us… and I can barely believe my eyes, but I'd recognize that red hair anywhere.
"Hey honey, where you going?" One of the guys in my group hollers. Cat ignores him and stops right in front of us, staring right at me.
"Tori, come on, I'm taking you with me." Cat states. I stare at her dumbly. The guy next to me looks between us.
"Why do all the prettiest girls know each other?" He laughs.
"How'd you find me?" I ask.
"I've just been having a cab drive me up and down the entertainment district until I spotted you. Now I did so we can leave now." Cat says, taking a step forward.
"Wait, you two are leaving? Aw don't do that. Come party with us!" A guy drawls drunkenly. Cat shoots him a glare.
"Tori needs to come with me, now. Someone who can actually take care of her." Cat spits.
"Hoohoo! Check out the claws on this one." One of them jokes. I guess Cat can be vicious when her waitress outfit isn't on…
"I think we take care of her pretty well." I feel an arm slung around me.
"Oh yeah I can see that. She can barely stand!" Cat shoots me a worried look. Aww, Cat, don't look so worried…
"Hey, she's just having some fun!"
"I don't think her fun is what you're concerned about." Cat fumes, and someone chuckles.
"Well, you're more than welcome to join in on that fun." He winks. Cat rolls her eyes.
"Thanks, but I could think of many things that would be more fun… like jumping in front of a train." Cat huffs. Wow, go Cat.
"Then maybe you should go do that, bitch." The guy with his arm around me glares. Something about that statement sobers me up a little bit and I quickly shuffle away from his grasp. He goes to grab me and I somehow maneuver away, next to Cat.
"Hey, you… you treat her with respect!" I growl.
"Geez, Tori, don't be like that." One of them holds up his hands.
"No! She's right. You're not taking care of me at all! And I trust her way more than I trust you." I state. They look at each other with raised eyebrows and I turn to Cat. "Let's go."
She smiles slightly at me, anger dissipating. I walk by her and I stumble a bit, causing her to hold me up. I lean against her as she leads me to a cab and helps me inside. I wish I had worn flats or something…
Cat gives her address instead of mine, surprisingly, but I'm too tired to ask why. I'm just going to rest my forehead against the cool glass of the cab and try not to think of the movement of the cab. Urp. Definitely drank a little too much.
Neither me or Cat say anything the whole ride, but when we get to the front of her condo she's very hands on. Gathering me out of the cab, pulling me to the entrance and up the elevator. Then she leans me against the wall as she pops her door open, and she leads me inside.
"Is Barry here?" I ask. She shakes her head.
"He's in the Maritimes… They have something different than Victoria Day and he's representing TD at something or other." Cat explains.
"Oh, okay." I mumble. She sits me down on the couch, and then she's gone. "Cat?"
"I'm here, Tori." Cat calls from the kitchen. She comes out with a glass of water. "Drink this."
"Thanks." I sigh, taking big gulps. When I'm finished, she takes the glass and heads back into the kitchen. She comes out again with the glass full of water again. "Another?"
"You had a lot of alcohol tonight, Tori. You need to rehydrate." Cat says. I take the water and nod sadly, now feeling ashamed.
"Sorry I'm such a mess." I mutter, drinking more of the water.
"…Don't do this again, Tori." Cat sighs. "You can't do this."
"I know." I frown.
"I don't even want to think about what you might've done if I hadn't of shown up… if you hadn't of called…" She bites her lip and shakes her head before enveloping me a tight hug.
"I'm sorry." I repeat, feeling guilty. Damnit, I apparently love her meanwhile I'm causing her so much turmoil. Stupid, stupid…
"Don't be sorry. Just promise me." Cat requests softly.
"I won't do this again." I state, and I mean it. Not if me drinking upsets her this much.
"Thank you." She squeezes me tight, and then pulls away. "Now drink up or you'll feel awful in the morning."
"Am I staying here?" I ask.
"Yeah… just to keep an eye on you." Cat says, getting up. She heads into another room and I look down into my water, staring.
"Cat?"
"Yeah?"
"You're the greatest." I call to her. I hear her laugh a bit.
"You'd do the same for me. I think." Cat says back. I blink for a moment, finishing the glass of water.
"You think? Of course I would!" I state. She walks back into the living room with a bundle of clothes.
"Well, I wasn't sure there for a bit. I thought you hated me." Cat sighs, her voice sad. I did that… I made her sad. She sits down next to me, handing the bundle to me. "Here, something for you to change into… even though that outfit looks great on you."
"Hey! My sweater!" I laugh, and she smiles.
"Yeah, made sense for you to wear it tonight." She says. I furrow my brow.
"You like my outfit?" I ask, and she nods.
"Of course. Very sexy." She admits, and I feel myself blush. I stare down at the clothes she gave me.
"I definitely didn't hate you. Quite the opposite…" I mutter. I look up at her and her eyes are searching mine.
"Yeah… about what you said on the phone …" Cat trails off. Okay. How do I handle this situation?
"What'd I say?" I ask. Um… Coy works. I guess.
She bites her lip. "About… why you were drinking… about feelings…"
Coy didn't work.
I stand up quickly and get a bit of a head rush, but I ignore it. "Ohh, Cat, I'm drunk. You can't take anything I say right now seriously. Sorry for whatever I said. I have no idea what I'm saying." I rush out. She looks up at me, staring.
"Oh. Okay." She says quietly. I run my hand through my hair.
"Um, do you have a bathroom? Stupid question. It's okay, I'll go fine it. Find it. I just need to go splash water on my face and- whoa!" I cut myself off by tripping over my own feet, but Cat's there in a flash to catch me.
"Geez, Tori! Careful." Cat chides.
"Whoops." I mumble.
"Maybe you need another glass of water." Cat chuckles.
"Maybe… But I think I need to just… sit down." I groan, falling forward.
"Tori-!" Cat cries, trying to hold me up. She stumbles back, right into an armchair. And I fall on top of her.
"Oh god, sorry, I didn't… I didn't mean…" I fumble, trying to push myself off from my awkward straddling position. But she grabs my arms gently, stopping me.
"That's okay, Tori." She breathes. I meet her eyes, and they're large and bright as always. But there's something else there, along with the light flush in her cheeks.
"Cat…" I mumble. Despite my intoxication, I'm suddenly so aware… of her legs between mine, of her hands on my arms, the smoothness of her cheek, where my hand has found its way. I look at her long and hard, trying to make sense of the situation, and my eyes trail down to her pink lips, slightly parted…
I should turn away, now. Go splash that water on my face. Drink more water. Lots more water. But… Something stops me, and it's either the alcohol, or the feeling of her fingers tightening around my arms.
"Are you… feeling okay?" Cat asks gently. And I nod slowly.
"Yeah… I'm feeling great." I mutter, and I lean forward to press my lips to hers.
No. Wrong. So, so wrong. So… right… Her lips feel so right… No!
I pull away, looking at her with horror and embarrassment. She's staring at me with wide-eyes. "Sorry. I shouldn't have… shit. I should go. I should-"
"Shh…" She cuts me off with a hand on my cheek and I freeze, searching her. "It's okay."
"It… it is?" I gape. She bites her lower lip and her eyes drag down my torso and up to my eyes again. She nods slightly and then leans up to capture my lips in hers.
I respond immediately, as if my body is reacting to something that it's been craving for a long time. And it has. I've wanted this for so long… and it's just as amazing as I imagined it. More so. I collapse myself into her, pushing her back gently into the chair and move my lips against hers slowly. I move my hands to lightly grasp her waist and she moans – very lightly – before moving her hands up to tangle into my hair.
The sensation just causes me to deepen the kiss, this time me releasing the muffled moan. She arches a bit into me as the kiss becomes more heated, and I feel her tongue drag along my bottom lip agonizingly slow… But there's this voice in the back of my head… The sober side of me that's screaming at me to back off now.
I pull away for a moment, my face still nuzzled against hers as my lips rest against her jaw-line, mouth open and panting. "What… what are we doing?" I ask in a breathy voice.
"Tori…" Cat sighs, turning to kiss my neck. "Does this feel right?"
"Yes." I moan, my eyes fluttering shut. She pulls away and cups my face in her hands, forcing me to open my eyes and look at her. Her eyes are heavy.
"Then stop thinking about it." She whispers, pressing her lips to mine again. This time, when she runs her tongue along my bottom lip, I open my mouth – and my tongue meets hers, and it's glorious. She tastes exactly how I expected Cat to taste… and it's more intoxicating than any alcohol I've ever had. A good intoxication.
This is crazy… this must be some sort of drunken dream. But it's not. I can feel how concrete it is, and usually in my dreams I wake up before Cat and I can kiss. And I definitely recognize the feeling of the skin of her waist. My hands move up her shirt and I feel the tingly warmth it leaves on my fingertips. Just when I decide to take a breath, I pull away and then kiss her lightly again. I want to get back to the same intensity, because god knows her mouth and tongue are probably the best things in the universe, but I also want to experience more of her skin…
I drag my lips from her lips back to her jawline, and I start leaving little kisses along it. Her hands slink up my back and I feel her fingernails curl into my skin as I kiss down to her neck. I let out a small grunt as I start to suck on her neck, her soft skin gently nestled between my teeth. I know I've said this before, but… She smells amazing. Like everything I love most rolled into one… And I love her.
I let go of her soft flesh with a wet smacking sound and she groans, and I wonder if she's thinking the same thing. Will that leave a mark? Maybe I shouldn't leave it somewhere so noticeable…
I leave firm kisses down her neck and over across her front. She tilts her head up, allowing me access, and I continue my trail of kisses until I meet the material of her shirt. She places her hands below my arms at this and pushes me back. I give her a puzzled look, but it only stays a second as she rips her shirt off. I remove my hands and stare at her, smooth skin only covered by a bra. I must look completely awestruck, because I am. She's way too beautiful for comprehension.
My eyes dart up to hers and my mouth hangs open a moment, trying to find the words for something. This is… huge. She sees my hesitation, and she quickly swoops up for a deep kiss, and I quickly shove any inhibitions into the back of my mind at the feeling of her lips against mine – slowly becoming my favourite thing ever, if it isn't already.
She pulls back, giving me a comforting smile. "Tori, relax." She whispers, her hands finding my tense shoulders. She kneads into them, and I feel the tension melt away. "It's alright. I want this."
"Cat…" I murmur. I kiss her again and her arms wrap around my neck tightly. I move my tongue against hers, and she moans again before pulling away, nuzzling next to my ear.
"Do you?" She asks softly. I pull her close around the waist, feeling the skin of her back, the defined ripples of her spine…
"Yes…" I whisper. She squeezes me tightly and moves her head down to plant a firm kiss on my shoulder. Her hands move up to tangle in my hair again, and she leans back to kiss up my temple, along my forehead and the top of my head. I notice I'm at chest level and I lick my lips just thinking about running my hands over what's under that bra. I press my lips between her breasts and her head falls back with a grunt.
I kiss up to her collar bone. Here… here it won't be so noticeable. I suck along her collarbone, nipping and running my tongue along it. My hand runs up her side, shaking slightly and rippling along her ribcage. She shivers as I find a sensitive spot – either along her collarbone or the skin just below her bra – and then I fluidly cup her breast in my hand.
"Oh, Tori…" Cat breathes, arching into my touch. I can feel her nipple hard through the material and her breath comes out as a hiss as I run my hand over it. I imagine the imprints I'm leaving on her skin; the marks that have my name on them, and no one else's. I know because she gasps my name as I leave them, both on her skin and her mind.
I shiver and bite a bit firmly on her skin as I feel her fingers crawl up my thighs. I knead into her breast and she hikes up my skirt, her hands disappearing underneath. My skin feels hot and I kiss down her chest, leaving more firm kisses as I go. I reach the top material of her bra and almost growl in frustration, reaching around her back to the clasp of her bra. I fumble with it for a second as I feel her hands crawl up between my legs, resting on my inner thighs. I find myself aching for her and I thrust forward a bit, letting out a gasp. This is sobering. Too sobering.
"C-Cat." I shudder.
I start to think about why I needed to find a less noticeable place to make my mark. Why I need to move so slowly and cautiously. Why she needs to keep reassuring me. Why this feels so right, so incredibly right… but there's a nagging feeling that doesn't make this moment right. Not perfect, like it should be.
I'm kissing – no – making out with another person's woman. And if I don't stop this now, it'll progress even further. And I can't… I can't taint this. I can't taint her. She's not that kind of person, and I refuse to make her so. No matter how drunk I am, she's too important. I want this to happen, but not like this.
I want to be the person to make her happy, but not like this.
I pull back and grab her arms. "Cat, we can't." I pant, my heart squeezing tightly. Her eyebrows pull back, a look of pure disappointment.
"Tori…"
"No, Cat. This isn't… this isn't right. I'm drunk. You're engaged. This can't happen." I mutter through gritted teeth. I push myself up and off of her stumbling back, trying to ignore the throbbing sensation she left me with.
She lets out a shuddered breath, closing her eyes. "I know."
"This isn't okay." I state.
"I know." She repeats.
"What have we… what have we done? Oh my god, Cat… That shouldn't have even happened. I… uh… nng…" I groan, clutching my head. Why is the world suddenly spinning? Stop that, world.
Cat's head snaps to look at me. "What? What's wrong?" Cat asks frantically, standing up. I try to grasp at something for support only to find it's not there.
"I feel…" I mumble. It was too much. Too many feelings. Too much alcohol. Not a good combination.
"Tori? Tori!"
I feel her arms clasp around me just as my face rushes toward the floor.
May 23rd, 2017
Ugh. My head. I forgot how shitty this feels… everything's pounding. I definitely didn't drink enough water before bed… Bed… I'm in a bed, but it's not mine. I open my eyes fully to see a room I don't recognize. It must be Cat's room… It's starting to come back to me slowly. I stayed the night at Cat's after a… rigorous night of drinking. Stupid. But I did this to myself. I notice I'm still in my clubbing clothes. I guess Cat decided not to take it upon herself to change me, which is good considering what we did last night.
…Last night.
Oh my god we made out. Passionately.
How could I forget? It was… incredible. But wrong. That's why I stopped and then… I passed out. That's what happened. And now I'm in Cat's bed… please don't tell me I actually blacked out and had sex with Cat. One, because that would go against all my ethics and two, because I'd really like to remember something like that. But no, I'm still in my clothes from the club, tights and all, so I assume if I had sex last night I'd be a lot less clothed…. So I guess I only passed out and that was it. Phew.
I guess she must've carried my limp self to her bed. I notice I'm in that… position on my side you're supposed to put drunk people in when they're passed out. I remember because posters depicting that were all over the colleges I would party at. It's kind of her to do that and take care of me, even though I shut her down… and she seemed to really want it.
Why did she want it? She's the engaged one. Maybe… Nicky was right. Where is Cat, anyway?
I slowly turn my body with a bit of a groan, ignoring the nausea, and flip on my side to see Cat facing me, eyes closed, chest rising and falling with the rhythm of sleep. Luckily, she has a shirt on again. Oddly enough, I'm used to seeing her look really peaceful when asleep, but right now she looks… troubled. I turn away again, not wanting to see that on her. I don't know how our talk is going to go when she wakes up, but I know I should at least look a little more presentable and less… promiscuous.
I drag myself out of the bed slowly as not to disturb her or my stomach. Cat doesn't stir, but my stomach does. Shit. Cat never showed me where the bathroom is.
I rush out of the room and find the bathroom just in time to be sick. Gross. Just leave me on the floor to die, please.
After a bit I collect myself and take the time to collect myself and clean myself up, including my smudged make-up, my bed head, and try to wash the disgusting taste out of my mouth. But I don't think anyone suffering from a hangover can really look that great. I head out of the bathroom and into the living room, seeing the bundle of clothes, my sweater included, still bundled up on the couch. Well, better than nothing. I take them back into the bathroom and change into the much more comfortable attire. Much better.
While I'm folding my clothes up, I check my clutch near the door to make sure all my cards survived the night. Looks like everything's there… my phone's dead, though. Great.
"You're not leaving, are you?" I hear a small voice behind me. I turn to see a frowning Cat standing in the doorway of her bedroom. I look at her a moment, flashes of last night stirring in my pounding head. I can see that armchair from here, and I swear I can still see the indent left by her back…
"No, of course not." I sigh. She nods slowly.
"How are you feeling? I heard you… in the bathroom…" Cat bites her lip. Fuck.
"Oh… I'm really sorry about that. I cleaned up, though, don't worry. And I feel pretty shitty… about a lot of things." I mutter, feeling flushed. Cat chews on her lip, those lips I felt on my own last night…
"Thank god you woke up, though. I was worried you had alcohol poisoning... I'll go get you a glass of water and an advil… or would you rather flat ginger ale?" Cat offers.
"Ginger ale, please." I mumble. She nods again, heading into the kitchen. I collapse down on the couch and hear the hiss of a soda can being opened, poured, and then stirred to make flat. She comes out with a large glass and an advil, and I take them both immediately. Again, really kind of her to take care of me, despite everything.
She sits down beside me and stares ahead, fingers curled around the cushion beneath her. "I'm really, really sorry, Tori." She whispers.
"Cat… I was the one who was shit faced." I sigh. She turns to look at me, and she looks close to crying.
"Yeah… and I took advantage of that." Cat mutters. I stare at her.
"I wish I could say I wasn't aware of what I was doing, but I can't… I knew what was happening." I mumble.
"Yeah but… I feel like… that wouldn't have happened if you were in more of a right mind, and maybe I knew that… I didn't bring you back to my place to get in your pants, Tori. I swear. That was never my intention. I just… I saw an opportunity and I lost control." Cat admits, her eyes downcast.
"…Why?" I ask.
"I don't know… I guess I… I guess I never stopped thinking of what we could've been, you know? I just… wanted to kiss you. I never thought it'd get so… far." Cat sighs, shutting her eyes tight.
"Maybe I was wondering the same thing. Maybe I was looking for an excuse to kiss you… and the alcohol gave me that. I think… we're both at fault here." I say slowly. She nods a bit.
"Yeah." She sighs.
"…So… what does this mean for us?" I ask. I want to know… if this changes anything. It should change everything. She looks at me again, a look in her eye… fear?
"Tori… I made a promise to Barry." Cat sighs. I bite my lip, feeling my heart shatter.
"I know. I understand. I totally get it. I do." I mutter. "It's okay. It… it didn't have to mean anything." I say. She looks at me with another sad look.
"I… don't want it to mean nothing. It was… nice. Even though it wasn't right. We still had… a moment. We can't ignore that. But it doesn't have to be a big deal." Cat suggests.
"Right…" I nod. Okay. It meant something. It was a moment we shared, but it doesn't have to be more than that. I can deal with that. God, imagine how much more complicated it would've been if we had had sex… "It was just… a very long kiss."
"A very long, nice kiss." Cat corrects, and I feel myself smile a bit in spite of the situation.
"Are you going to tell Barry?" I ask. She lets out a deep sigh.
"Like I said… it doesn't have to be a big deal. I don't want to… ruin anything between me and Barry if he blows it out of proportion. So, I'd like to just… keep it between us, if you don't mind. Our little secret." Cat requests, and I nearly shudder at the thought.
"Okay, if that's what you think is best." I nod, and I look at her neck. "Good thing I didn't leave anything noticeable." I state, pointing at the clear skin of her neck. She bites her lip and tugs her shirt down, revealing her collarbone. My eyes widen. Her right collarbone, chest and shoulder are covered in hickeys.
"Good thing I'm good at make-up, huh?" Cat sighs, smiling slightly.
"Uh, yeah." I stare. She pulls her shirt back up.
"So… are we okay?" Cat asks.
"Yes. Yeah, we're okay." I nod. She smiles more.
"Good, I'm glad. I'd hate if I… ruined anything with my selfishness." Cat mutters.
"Cat, for the last time, you're not selfish. I wanted it to happen, too." I sigh. "At the time."
"At the time?" Cat questions.
"Yeah. At the crazy, confused, drunken time." I state. I know. I've wanted it… always. Alcohol had nothing to do with it. But she's right. I can't have this ruined, and she can't know how much I really love her. That would ruin things. My heart aches more than my head, but I have to face the facts. She chose Barry.
But at least we'll always have that moment. Happy Victoria Day.
Author's Notes: Released earlier than you thought, huh? Yeah, for some reason I really wanted to write this chapter... it must've been the steamy make-out session. How many of you were waiting for that? I know I was. Now there's still a problem... Will it happen again? I mean... it doesn't seem like it, but Cat and Tori do seem to have some unresolved feelings to deal with... especially Tori. She's in love, the poor girl. Now what are they going to do? WHY CAN'T BARRY JUST STOP EXISTING? Ehem.
So, did you like it? Did it satisfy your craving for Cori or do you need MOAR? You all probably want more. Well, okay. Leave a review if you do. I mean, I'll try to deliver the best that I can... eventually. School is doing that thing where it's being overbearing. Why, school. Why. Anyway, just know I'm going to do what I can, but it might not be once a week anymore! (At least, for November) Hey, at least I left you with the lovely image of a drunken Tori pushing Cat into a chair, furiously running their lips together... Oh, and happy Halloween, you crazy kids.
Fun Fact: Every time drunk Tori stumbles over a word, it's because I made a typo and I just kept it because it's funny and I could see drunk Tori mixing up words like that. Thought it was a fun way to write...
